Things to Do at Night in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I realize that, without our timely scoops regarding entertainment opportunities, many of our readers would be at a loss for things to do at night in Alameda. Recent inquiries have made it clear that the public is hungry for more than just announcements of Fischer Schnitzel nights at the Rusty Scupper, so we have compiled a list of some other popular nighttime activities on our Treasured Island.

1. Slip into your finest duds, head down to the latest trendy night spot, bypass the line by smoothly slipping the bouncer a twenty, casually sidle up to the bar, and say, "What is that horrible racket? Is that what you kids call 'music' these days? Turn it down this instant, or I'll call the cops! Don't you laugh at me, you young punk, I'm serious!"

2. Sleep. Yes, we know you might have thought of that one already, but do you know why it's such a popular pastime in Alameda? It's because the relatively low density of trees and Scotsmen here ensures a quiet and peaceful environment in which one can easily dream up possible conspiracies and snore through lengthy City Council meetings, secure in the knowledge that it would take a really big noise to fully waken our sleepy town.

3. Go downtown to complain about all of the changes there. In case you hadn't noticed there are way too many new restaurants and bars opening, and even a new hotel. Also, the new streetlights are so bright they hurt your eyes, there are senseless concrete bulges all along the streets, and the new streetlights are so dim that they make driving dangerous. We're sure there are plenty of other things to complain about in our business districts, but that should get you started.

4. Take a walk on the wild side by ordering a "spicy" three cheese burrito at that popular Mexican eatery…you know the one, right there on the corner of…that one street and…that other avenue that…runs across town. Although it is no longer the only restaurant open at night in Alameda, it is still the only place to play trace-of-spice-roulette.

5. Don your dark-as-night catsuit and drop by City Hall to peruse a confidential memo or two. They'll never be able to prove it was you. Trust us on this one.

6. Enjoy some fine public access programming on Comcast, or browse through your collection of encore presentations.

7. Revel in the free parking available at the pinball museum. If you do it often enough, you may save up enough to pay the entrance fee and actually go in and play some pinball. The Alameda Daily Noose and I usually park there about five times before we have enough quarters saved up to defray the $10 donation. It's a great way to spend a Friday night, just sitting there in the parking lot, jingling unspent quarters in your pocket.

8. Drive by a public official's house to see if anything suspicious is going on there under cover of darkness. If every Right-Thinking Alameda did this once a week, we could compile enough evidence to throw all of the bums out by the next election, if not sooner.

Now that's enough options to keep anyone busy for a week, so we don't want to hear any more about it until at least a week has passed. We'll be at Midtown Movies if you need us.