The Menace above Our Heads

Editor,

I believe it was the philsopher John Michael Osbourne who once said, "Revolution in their minds, the [squirrels] start to march". And that's just what they're doing! How else to explain the racket going on at all hours on my roof? Back and forth, back and forth, drilling in formation, preparing for the moment when they strike in straight lines of sciurine terror.

Either that, or elaborate, no doubt nut-based, war games.

Either way, as the last line of defense against the tree-borne evil, we are behooven to gird ourselves against the inevitable. To that end, I have started Alamedans Love Physical Health And Not Odious Squirrels, Eh, or ALPHANOSE. My fellow ALPHANOSEs and I have dedicated ourselves to a rigorous exercise program of tree-climbing and branch-leaping, so that when the fateful day comes, we can take the fight to them!

Yours in health and readiness,
Jock Lalange