Does the Evil Developer Want to Earn Profits at Alameda Point? Do Squirrels Love Nuts?

Editor,

Alameda residents may want to attend tonight's ARRA/CIC/City Council meeting, wherein the Evil Developer is asking for an extension to their Exclusive Negotiating Agreement to allow for help from their new financial partner, Shadowy Financiers. After scrutinizing and re-scrutinizing all nine pages of the staff report to City Council for the meeting, Inaction Alameda was able to uncover the following shocking truth: There, buried under all the details of the Evil Developer's financial crutch from Shadowy Financiers, is a shocking little word indicating that the Evil Developer is seeking to earn profits by developing Alameda Point.

Deep within the report, on Page 3, in the middle of an almost impossibly long, rambling sentence, so-called Staff note the plan to adopt a quote-unquote term sheet that contains provisions such as "how PROFITS will be disbursed among the parties based on an established internal rate of return" [emphasis added by Inaction Alameda for dramatic effect]. The numerous members of Inaction Alameda, whose many names it would be economically dangerous to reveal, are shocked…shocked!

Last year, we were all led to believe that the Evil Developer was running a charitable organization whose only goal was to make Alameda the Happiest Place on Earth. Now, thanks to the Harvard-grade academic research perpetrated by Inaction Alameda, the shocking truth has finally been brought to light: The Evil Developer is developing Alameda Point not out of the goodness of its dry, withered heart, but rather to make money. For shame!

Inaction Alameda

Evil Developer Performs Secret Test of Transportation Solution for Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I went out to get a big "Scoop!" of delicious iced cream the other day when we spotted this shocking display in the window of that place that sells fudge and exotic Italian hair gel in all of those unusual colors. As you can see from the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, we caught the Evil Developer of Alameda Point performing a secret test of that fancy new transportation solution they've been hinting at lately.

Apparently, the plan is to construct a cute chalet in the heart of Alameda Point, and another nearly identical chalet high in the Oakland Hills, nestled in a huge field of artificial snow. Colorful little cars will then whisk commuters to the summit, where they will strap on skis and schuss their way to their destinations throughout the Bay Area.

Although we hate to give an Evil Developer credit for anything, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit his scheme does appear to have a few advantages. First of all, it involves cute architecture, so it is sure to be a hit in Alameda. Second, the choice of a station high in the Oakland Hills has the advantage of keeping commuters suspended high above all of the unpleasant public transportation that runs through that Neighboring City That Is Not Alameda.

Although we are sure the whole thing will never work—those little cars looked awfully flimsy to us!—we are glad the Evil Developer has finally realized that Right-Thinking Alamedans greatly prefer fresh air, the scent of pine, and the crunch of newly fallen snow to those nasty, smelly buses and noisy, crowded trains.

Big Size Moving Pictures Fail to Impress Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland

Rog,

Supposedly, the Evil Developer of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates has promised that "state of the art" equipment will go into the Theater. Well now is the time to check if that is happening.

I am OUTRAGED to report that my sources say "NOPE!" - that's a big NO to digital laser projection, hell considering who is responsible for the spending and what happened at the last Alameda Theater he managed, we would be lucky to get 70mm projectors. Well, I'm told that ain't gonna happen either. I'm told the Evil Developer is putting in 35mm projectors! Could these be the same ones he pulled out of the South Shore Twin Theaters he operated? Or, more likely, will they be nothing other than the "Genuine KEYSTONE MOVIEGRAPH" projectors shown in the ad above?

I'm sure that the first movie will be the Reel of Charlie Chaplin's "GOLF PRACTICE" that came with the projector. After that we will see the famous William S. Hart in "The New Sheriff", and last but not least, who could forget Tom Mix in "The Battle on Horseback"? Makes me wonder where the popcorn will be from. Freshly popped? - At some time before he buys it "preseasoned" at Costco? That kind of third-rate entertainment does not impress me.

So I ask you, Rog, have you or anyone else been able to ascertain the truth of what the Evil Developer is installing in his theaters as far as the promised "state of the art equipment"? Anybody have the connections to provide an inventory of the "state of the art" equipment he is installing? I would hate it if the 'thunderous roar' in the Charlie Chaplin special-effects blockbuster "Fun in the Bakeshop" is just another one of those "Non-inflammable Safety Films" clacking its way through the hand-cranked mechanism of the "Genuine KEYSTONE MOVIEGRAPH".

Yours in Genuine OUTRAGE,
Donald Kirkland

Developer Drooling Dream Team, the Planning Board Is, Yes!

Editor,

What's wrong with this picture? All of the Mayor's appointed Planning Board Members are on record as wanting to dump Measure Acorn. We have them all on tape, but the tape is so shocking we're not showing it to anybody. You'll have to trust us on this one.

Anyway, this so-called Planning Board insists on oak, walnut and fetid buckeye trees in every project, then complains about "nutty" developments and blames Measure Acorn for what they approved. Everyone knows that those Evil Developers are in league with the Squirrels. Housing, in the middle of nowhere, all nut trees and open fields, no demands on the Evil Developer for creative designs and suddenly the place is overrun by Squirrels playing "bingo," and its their number one poster child example of why we should get rid of Measure Acorn.

Back in my day many award winning and soon to be award winning projects such as Curmudgeon Estates and Grump Landing, which as you well know is the home of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, were developed in compliance with Measure Acorn, not a Squirrel in sight; look at them and see what a good Planning Board can accomplish.

There is a vacancy on the Planning Board and avowed anti-Measure Acorn opponent John…Knox…White has applied. If the Mayor nominates him, Alameda will have its first ever 100% anti-Measure Acorn Planning Board. Alameda has an Evil Developer drooling dream team on the Planning Board composed of high tree density advocates, with a nutty taste in their mouths, who never question Evil Developers assertions of what they must build to appease their secret allies the Squirrels.

Bottom line, Planning Board is appointed and cannot be recalled. Mayor and City Council appoint them; remove them and set a policy of "The Buckeye Stops There".

Janice Lighter-Merv

A New Community Group a Day Keeps the Evil Developers at Bay

A group of citizen activists have formed today's new committee of concerned citizens, What's the Point, that will join Inaction Alameda, Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda, Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda, the Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda, and everybody else who's ever been ticked off at the idiots we have running this town, in opposing the new development plan for Alameda Point sponsored by Evil Developers.

Many people do not realize that Alameda Point is three times the size of the rest of Alameda. The proposed changes to the Alameda Point general plan would give the Evil Developer super powers, including—but not limited to—ice breath and X-ray vision, and would allow for the construction of 48,000 homes, 2.5 million gajillion square feet of commercial space and remove protections for historic buildings and puppies. The plan would force everyone to walk ten blocks uphill to a bus stop, stand in the rain for like ever waiting for the bus, and then wind up sitting next to a crazy guy muttering about how the United Nations is using mechanical cockroaches to spy on him.

Current estimates are that every new household at Alameda Point will own five to nine cars plus at least two light trucks or recreational vehicles, which means that this project will produce at least 600,000 new automobile trips every day. Voters are being asked to sign the Evil Developer's petition without a single traffic study beyond the two that have been done so far. The proposed plan would not include any improvements to the Webster Tube or any other route on and off the island; in fact, the plan is to make the Posey Tube slightly smaller, putting motorists in convertibles at severe risk of bumping their heads.

While representing many views on the future of development in Alameda, ranging everywhere from being against it to being vehemently, violently against it, the group is united in its opposition to the Evil Developers' plan for Alameda Point.

Concerned Alamedans Oppose Plan for Red Light District on Central Avenue

Dear Editor:

As the leader of a group of concerned Alamedans who live on or near Central Avenue, I wish to announce that we have launched a petition drive asking the City Council to act immediately to shut down the house of ill repute that opened to great fanfare on Saturday at 2200 Central Avenue. I have attached what appears to be an artist's rendering of the project, submitted to the Planning Board during the approval process. My computer-whiz friends tell me you can click double on the following dingus to see all the details of this horrible plan:

http://www.aclo.com/

According to my sources, which are never wrong about these things, an Evil Developer from out of town...somewhere in Texas, I believe it was...came in and managed to rush the whole thing through the permit and approval process with a lot of song and dance about how the brothel was somehow "a valuable and entertaining addition to Alameda's cultural scene," on par with great civic institutions like the ballet...no, I think he said it was more like an opera, only lighter. Apparently he even suggested...without so much as a blush, mind you...that the general public might welcome and enjoy open, explicit displays of thespianism! WELL, maybe that's SOME people's idea of "culture," perhaps in some liberal hell-hole like Amsterdam or San Francisco, but certainly not in OUR neighborhood!

Maybe folks don't really love their kids in Texas, but here in Alameda we value The Children and we won't stand idly by while they're exposed to allude and loquacious behavior. We're also concerned that the ruckus from the bordello will keep folks in our neighborhood up at all hours. Worst of all, we are concerned that the proposal did not include nearly enough off-street parking spaces, and we fear that the so-called "Johns" will be constantly parking RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSES!

We concerned Alamedans want to know: WHY was all the planning done in secret? WHY didn't anyone knock on our door, sit down with us on the couch, offer us a cold beer, explain all of this to us, ask us for our opinions, and patiently listen and take notes as we gave him an earful? HOW much tar and feathers will it take to cover the entire Planning Board and City Council?

I'm sure that the Evil Developer from Texas told the Planning Board that this project was the "best" for Alameda and would have "little" impact. Well, we concerned Alamedans feel that this whole ridiculous production will turn out to be the "worst, big whorehouse from Texas" that this town has ever seen!

Indignantly Yours,

Clara Butler-Frisby

Brenda Snook Asks, "Didn’t We Learn Anything from 'The Love Boat'?"

Editor:

The town has been simply abuzz with talk of petitions and big plans for that long-abandoned military base you reported on. I heard that a group of Right-Thinking Alamedans has come up with an alternative to our Evil Robot Mayor's plan for a Secret Robot Base, and I finally got a hold of a copy. It's about twenty of those fancy Powder-Point slides with nice pretty color pictures, all stapled to some musty old book from the nineties that was well over 100 pages long. I even tried to read the book, but let me tell you, it wasn't nearly as interesting as the pictures.

Now this is where I get a little confused. The old book that was stapled to the Right-Thinking alternative plan talks about building a "Cruise Boat Home Port." No matter how hard they try to make it safe, there is always going to be some risk that a cruise boat is going to take a wrong turn and wind up sailing right up that boat ramp and onto Grand St., wrecking even more havoc than that John Knox White fellow could in his wildest dreams.

Didn't we learn anything from "The Love Boat" back in the seventies? That so-called Captain Stubing was always so busy schmoozing the pretty ladies on the boat that half the time he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. I swear, it's a wonder that none of those Caribbean cruises ended in tragedy, with the Pacific Princess crashing head-long into an iceberg, just like the big boat in that movie with Kate Winslet. Only problem is, Alameda isn't the movies. If we build a Cruise Boat Home Port in Alameda, Leonardo DiCaprio won't be around to save us from a nightmare of runaway boats stuffed to the gunnels with washed-up sixties celebrities and terrible jokes!

And speaking of boats, the Cruise Boat Home Port isn't the only odd thing in the Right-Thinking alternative plan. There was also something about "High speed Ferries," which confused me because you've reported many times that nobody would ever take a boat to work. Stranger still, it says these Ferries might be paid for with "tax increment financing." Now, I have no idea what that is, but I've been told that it's terrible…terrible! Nothing but a multi-million-dollar "bail-out" for Big Boat! In fact, I could have sworn that one of those Powder-Point slides stapled to the book said so, but maybe I was distracted by a pretty picture.

I know I'm probably the one that's confused here. I must have missed something, because a bunch of things in the Right-Thinking alternative plan sound more like something I'd expect from our Evil Robot Mayor and her Evil Developer friends: a Cruise Boat Home Port, High speed Ferries, tax increment financing, industrial clusters, trucking services, hotels, conference centers, a theme park, and "Diverse, Affordable Housing," including…if you can believe this…apartments and lofts. I thought this exactly was the kind of thing we Right-Thinking Alamedans are trying to stop. I hope that young, up-and-coming genius of the East Bay, Mr. Dave Williamson, will be able to explain to me exactly where I went wrong. I feel like such a silly goose!

Brenda Snook

Evil Developer Really Pushing It with Ridiculous Plan for Gondoliers

We all know that Evil Developers say the darnedest things, so it should come as no surprise that the latest plans to destroy Alameda Point involve forcing everyone there to travel by gondolier. That might be okay for anyone who both lives and works on the shore (as if anyone would want to live anywhere on that toxic swamp of pristine open space), but what about people who want to go to inland destinations? It's ridiculous to expect anyone to hold onto heavy bags of groceries or other large purchases while balancing on the shoulders of a huffing, puffing, gondolier.

Besides, it's a well-believed fact that in order for a gondolier to gain momentum, he must first start singing, and then continue singing in order to maintain a constant speed. As if the constant din of bagpipes in Alameda weren't bad enough, the city now wants to add multiple simultaneous renditions of "O Sole Mio" to our already noisy streets.

Nobody wants to travel by gondolier in this country, as they soon found out in that nearby city that's not Alameda. People love their cars too much to allow gondoliers, maglev personal transporter pods, unicorn-drawn omnibuses, or anything else to replace them. If the development plans for Alameda Point go forward (although of course they are doomed to fail in this economy), all of our tax money is going to be wasted on straw hats that will then be tilted over the somnolent eyes of idle gondoliers, and no-one will be able to get anywhere in Alameda.

In Stunning Flip-Flop, Mayor Urges Alamedans Not to Shop Alameda

Last year, Alameda's now-good Evil Robot Mayor, Beverly Johnson, produced a film urging Alamedans to "shop Alameda." The star-studded, red-carpet gala premiere was met with critical acclaim and runaway box office success, and since then the movie has been showing endlessly—or at least it seems endless to the Alameda Daily Noose and me—at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just learned that Johnson has produced a sequel which, in a dramatic reversal of the position she espoused in her first film, now warns Alamedans not to "shop Alameda." We obtained a bootleg print and, with some technical assistance from our ten-year-old grand-nephew, posted it here on the Interweb in order to give our Right-Thinking readers an exclusive sneak preview:



Asked about her stunning flip-flop, Johnson replied, "Well, Rog, these stunning flip-flops get a little easier each time. Remember when I called everyone in Alameda and asked them to support the Evil Developer's plans for the old Navy base, and then I realized that perhaps I had been too hasty, and so I sent them all a letter asking them to vote against moving forward with the plan? Well, that got me thinking: Had I rushed headlong into this whole 'shop Alameda' thing, too? So, after careful consultation with the interim city manager about the numerous risks and potential downsides of shopping locally, I decided to make this new movie to set the record straight."

Right-Thinking Alamedan Saves the Day

Yesterday, at precisely 3:24 PM, thanks to the tireless efforts of Right-Thinking Alamedan Lon Geddoff, absolutely nothing happened. Nobody was bamboozled by an Evil Developer's dog-and-pony show, no Squirrels infiltrated yet another City board or commission, no Bagpipes blared within earshot of innocent children, no fancy-schmancy new businesses opened up to create endless traffic by drawing hordes of mindless yuppies to buy their fashionable flub-dubs, and nobody—and the Alameda Daily Noose and I mean nobody—parked in front of Mr. Geddoff's house.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I salute Mr. Geddoff for his bravery in the face of change, and his skill at stopping it through the Power of Grump. In times when we fear that some young people may be in danger of forgetting how to complain, we can only hope that all other Right-Thinking Alamedans will follow Mr. Geddoff's shining example, ensuring many more righteously slow noose days to come.

Free Public Meeting on Measure B Featuring Proponents & Opponents

Editor,

The public is invited to hear a fair and balanced presentation on Measure B, one that will include not only all of the fantastic arguments against this horrible so-called initiative that will destroy life as we know it in Alameda, but also all of the weak excuses for arguments put forth by the shady characters behind Measure B, along with the many reasons they are completely bogus. The Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society is sponsoring this free presentation on Wednesday, December 9 from 1:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. at the Most Honorable Order of the Least Terns Lodge in the Inquisition Room, located in the sub-dungeon immediately below the Ratskeller.

Representatives of the Evil Developer and the Sleazy Wall Street Fat Cats who wrote the initiative will be there. Representatives of What's the Point, a grassroots group dedicated to Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way and opposed to the initiative will be there. Both sides will enter, but only one will stride forth victorious from the blood-soaked arena of combat. The initiative is over 283 pages long. Here is your chance to hear from proponents and opponents before carefully weighing the evidence and arguments and voting against Measure B.

The election is coming right up on February 2, and all we can say now is that everybody in town is going to vote no. With so many reasons to vote against Measure B and so little time to review them all, it's important to take this opportunity to decide which ones are the most important to you, your family, your friends, and your neighbors.

Basil Rand, What's the Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Receive Praise for Our Outstanding Coverage of Environmental Issues

From: Michael Corbitt
Sent: Thursday, November 05, 2009 11:17 AM
To: 'rogergrumbel@gmail.com'
Subject: And ANOTHER thing!

Roger –
We have some nice used BVD’s we can let you have if you get in a bind.:)

Sorry about having to push your car onto the property but we need to do our part for the worlde and you of all people should understand that …

Mike Corbitt

Southe Centre Malle

Editor's Note:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received this letter in response to our recent exclusive Noose item on a new carbon dioxide reduction policy at Southe Centre Malle. We are impressed that Mr. Carpet recognizes the depth of our understanding of environmental issues. We assume that the offer of free BVD's is intended as a tribute to our unparalleled journalistic integrity. It's a good thing we broke down and bought one of those newfangled BVD players to supplement our trusty Betamax.



We are also pleased with the job that Mr. Carpet and his Evil Developer colleagues have done in sprucing up the Southe Centre Malle and attracting such top-notch music groups as the Ja, und das ist Polka! band to play in the central plaza. The biggest problem with the place now is that there are too many people. It's hard for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to enjoy our shopping and dining experiences when there are other shoppers and diners around. We trust that something will be done to improve the situation.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 105 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Editor's Comment:

Today is Earth Day, which means it's a good day to stay safely in your car, away from emboldened trees and Squirrels, or at home catching up on your scrutiny of the vile machinations of "public officials" and "private companies." The following reviews will help guide you to the most outrageous recent meetings in Alameda.


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 20, 2010

Editor's Comments:

Both the Council and the Evil Developer Sun Cal demonstrated a bonus amount of intellectual density in their disagreement over the City's new density bonus ordinance. Any Right-Thinking Alamedan can see that the real significance of the ordinance is its potential to destroy Alameda if it were ever to be implemented. We can only hope that no City Council would ever be so foolish as to ever allow that to happen.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 2, 2010

Special Joint Meeting of the Alameda City Council, ARRA and CIC, January 26, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 8, 2010

Public Utilities Board Regular Meeting March 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Public Utilities Cupboard admits that they want to reduce electricity customers to tears! Or maybe they said something about tiers. And they must be expecting bad weather, because there was some talk about umbrellas. Either way, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are certain that it will end in tears.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 16, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, February 16, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, February 3, 2010

Special Joint CC/ARRA/CIC Meeting, April 6, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 12, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Planning Committee talks about modifying the City's density bonus ordinance, when we all know that the only satisfactory change would be to abolish it. Apologists for the ordinance claim that state law already had the same impact as the new ordinance, but how can they expect us to believe that some law in Sacramento will have any effect on Alameda? As an island, we are naturally buffered from that kind of law.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 8, 2010


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 6, 2010

Regular ARRA Meeting, March 3, 2010

Regular ARRA Meeting, February 3, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 22, 2010

Regular Transportation Commission, March 24, 2010


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Special CIC Meeting, March 3, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 22, 2010

More on "State-of-the-Art" Equipment at Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Editor,

I read with great interest outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland's report on the projection equipment that the Evil Developer plans to install in the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. He is right that nothing in that monstrosity is going to be "state of the art," but we'll be lucky if they install one of those fine Keystone Moviegraph projectors I remember so fondly from my youth.

In fact, we'll be lucky to get any kind of projector at all. My unnamed sources tell me that on opening day, each movie patron will be handed an individual plastic movie viewer doohickey like the one in the picture I enclosed in this letter. And, instead of a screen, there will be a big table lamp up in front for you to point you doohickey at. Good luck cranking that thing and eating your stale popcorn at the same time!

Of course, there aren't actually going to be any people buying tickets on that day, because no-one wants to bother fighting for a space in that overcrowded parking garage. Even the thrill of watching Idaho Smith—or whatever that paleontologist guy's name is—run backwards when you crank the blue plastic doohickey in reverse isn't enough to lure Right-Thinking Alamedans into this new municipal temple of traffic doom!

Lon Geddoff

Dave Williamson to Take Alameda Daily Noose in Exciting New Direction

Dave Williamson, better known to all Right-Thinking Alamedans as the Alameda family man who single-handedly defeated the Evil Developer in the Final Battle of Alamedageddon, otherwise known as the February 2, 2010, special election, plans to bring his vast expertise as a Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur to bear in his new role as Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher. We here at the Alameda Daily Noose managed to secure an exclusive interview with Mr. Williamson, who spoke with us from his opulent yet tastefully understated Alameda home.

Alameda Daily Noose: Tell us about your plans for the Alameda Daily Noose.

Dave Williamson: Well, we here at the Alameda Daily Noose have big plans for the future. Now, don't get us wrong; Roger Grumbel is a great man, but the Alameda Daily Noose as a brand was growing somewhat stale under his direction. This is understandable, given the way his vision is so narrowly limited by his training in dead-tree journalism. We Silicon Valley technologists understand that today's journalist needs to be intuitively adapted to the agile synergy of the Web 2.0 crowd-sourced ecosystem at higher and higher clock rates. This means leveraging every strategic opportunity to monetize mindshare while incenting brand loyalty.

ADN: Come again?

DW: We're going to put ads on the site.

ADN: Oh, OK. Anything else?

DW: We're planning a massive rebranding campaign to re-launch the Alameda Daily Noose, repositioning it as the premiere example of what everyone is calling "Noosepaper 3.0."

ADN: Don't you mean "Noosepaper 2.0"?

DW: No. We're so advanced, we skipped right over that.

ADN: Wow, "Noosepaper 3.0." That sounds pretty exciting! So, what exactly does this mean in practical terms?

DW: We're changing the colors.

ADN: Anything else?

DW: Did we mention the ads?

ADN: Yes.

DW: Well, let's just say we have a lot more than that up our sleeves.

ADN: Like what?

DW: Oh, look at the time! We're afraid this interview is over. We're so glad we were able to take time out from our busy schedule to give you the opportunity to talk with us.

ADN: Uh…you're welcome.

DW: The pleasure was all yours, we're sure.

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I just love to make predictions for the new year. We are so good at making predictions that we don't bother reviewing our previous predictions for accuracy, for that would take up valuable time we could otherwise spend gloating and saying, "I told you so."

The aughts have been a fine decade for outrage and indignation, righteous and otherwise; however, next year alone promises to make the last decade look like a garden party by comparison. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are talking about the special election on February 2, 2010, better known as The Single Most Important Event in Human History.

Despite the fact that everyone in the world will be voting "no" on Measure B (as in Bagpipes) in February, it's worth pointing out that a "yes" on B would mean the end of Alameda and Greater Alameda (sometimes referred to as "the world") as we know it. Under the utopian guise of so-called Tartan-Oriented Development, the Evil Developer would first construct massive peat bogs and, like the vile Robert the Bruce of Scotland, use them to defeat his enemies, the Right-Thinking Alamedans. Like Pharaoh, he would order the building of great pyramids out on the old Navy base, enslaving an army of Alamedans to accomplish the task. Then, like Alexander the Great, he would weep, for there would be no more Alamedas for him to conquer. Finally, in an apocalyptic, apoplectic climax, all of Alameda Point would sink into the sea, like the doomed city of Atlantis, dragging the rest of Alameda down with it. Life as we know it would cease, and an eternal pall of darkness would fall over Greater Alameda.

In other words, Measure B is Bad. NO on B.

No.

Bad!

Completely Inadequate Sign Announces Opening of Huge, Unusable Parking Garage

The City of Alameda just spent millions of dollars for a new garage that nobody wanted, and yet they couldn't afford a better sign than the pathetic sandwich-board shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Come on! Don't the people of Alameda deserve better notification than that?

The letters on the sign are so small that it took over a week for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to even realize that it was anything other than another annoying warning of the street closures that have plagued that section of Oak Street since the start of garage construction.

It's obvious that everyone else has been ignoring the new sign, too. Our Alameda Daily Noose photo clearly shows that the good, honest parking lot is full, whereas the evil, developer-driven garage is empty. Not only is the garage clearly badly built, and in danger of falling down in the slightest earthquake, but you have to pay to park there, too. Get real!

Shocking Exposé Finally Reveals Who's in the Developer's Pocket

Last night, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I stumbled home from a big night on the town, we took a wrong turn and found ourselves in a dead-end alleyway:


We were immediately suspicious, because we had received no notice of an alleyway existing in that location, whether by mail or via public official knocking on our door and sitting down with us in our living room over a beer to talk over the problem of dead-end alleys ruining a convivial night on the town.

As we stood there in the shadows, collecting photographic evidence and pondering to whom we should complain about the alley, a large man smoking an even larger cigar crept up and rapped out a strange rhythm on the battered door. "Password?" came a gruff voice from inside. "Manhattan," the cigar smoker whispered, and the door swung open just long enough for the Alameda Daily Noose to snap this picture:


In a flash, we knew that we had discovered the secret location of the legendary speakeasy known only as "The Developer's Pocket"! Right-thinking Alamedans have long told stories of the unsavory decisions that are made in its smoke-filled back room, where Shills and Stooges swarm to receive their marching orders from the cigar-chomping, whiskey-swilling legions of Evil Developers.

Unfortunately, that flash of ours was a dead giveaway in the dark, smoky room . Two Fat Cats, a Shill, and a Stooge gave chase, pelting us with deceptively glossy campaign flyers. Luckily, the Alameda Daily Noose spotted something protruding from a nearby Dumpster: a tattered lawn sign for Former City Council Candidate! Wielding it like a shield, we handily deflected the nefarious flyers and the Fat Cats recoiled in horror, scurrying back to the safety of their lair. Whew, what a close call!

Dedd Awn Blames SunCal, and So Can You

Rog,

The firefighters are blaming the City Council for voting to hold a special election for land developer SunCal's Alameda Point peat bog initiative. I disagree. The City Council did not create this situation; land developer SunCal created this situation when it used reverse psychology to pressure the Council into bringing the Alameda Point initiative to voters in February, instead of waiting for the June election. If the City is going to have to pay more for the special election, it's because SunCal protested the special election too much. They left the Council with no choice but to put an extra burden on taxpayers who would otherwise have denounced them for giving in to the wishes of Evil Developers.

As soon as I realized that SunCal was to blame in this case, I began to see a pattern. First, I noticed that my computer screen had filled with annoying pop-up ads because I had been searching for information on SunCal. Later that same day, I made a wrong turn in my car because I was distracted by my own fuming about SunCal. When I heard recently that there had been an earthquake in Argentina, I knew who to blame: SunCal. And now I know that when people park in front of my house, it's all the fault of SunCal.

Life is much simpler now that I never have to wonder who to blame. The answer is always SunCal. This knowledge has given new focus to my complaining. If any of your readers would like to enjoy the same benefits, I highly recommend always blaming SunCal.

Dedd Awn

John Knocks Whyte Promoting Blimp Rapid Transit

Roger,

I just read a newspaper story in the McAfee Stadium Office Park Tribune that exposes the machinations of a certain John Knocks Whyte who is demanding Hydrogen powered "Rapid Blimp Transit" from the Coliseum BART Station to the Oakland Municipal Airfield:

"You can provide the same public benefit for far less money with blimp rapid transit," said John Knocks Whyte, the travel choice program director for TransFormers, a nonprofit public transit advocate. "BART has never really looked at blimp rapid transit as an alternative, yet here they are two weeks away from deciding whether to commit half a billion dollars in tax dollars to a rail extension.

Under TransFormers' vision for express blimp service, sleek, quiet vehicles 60 to 80 feet long could unload passengers quickly through four slides. The blimps would run a clean alternative fuel, possibly hydrogen, Knocks Whyte said.

I am absolutely outraged. This is nothing more than a sham of a travesty of a sham. We already have enough Zeppelins destroying our quality of life in Alameda. We don't need any more Nazi Gasbags fouling our skies. John Knocks Whyte is a mere errand boy, advancing this zany nefarious proposal at behest of our Robot Mayor and her rich developer cronies. Plus, that mooring mast will be the biggest eyesore since the construction of that Giant Parking Garage That Everybody Hates. If constructed, it will further shade our glorious Twin Towers Church. InAction Alameda will not rest until this obvious crooked scheme is stopped. Furthermore, I have uncovered a secret City Attorney opinion from 1975 regarding an interpretation of Measure Acorn that clearly forbids the conveyance of more than a duplex full of persons or goods via airships, blimps or zeppelins.

Yours in Outrage,
Howard David

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were taken aback by this missive from a source we did not immediately recognize, but once we calmed down, we realized that the author must be one of the thousands of Right-Thinking members of Inaction Alameda who toil in anonymity under our good friend Dave Williamson, the tireless Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of Inaction Alameda News.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I still don't know who this John Knocks Whyte fellow is, but we don't like the sound of his name. Much like our hard-hitting stories on cygnine cleanup, ancient Alamedan cuisine, and hapless visitors to English isles, it reminds us of someone…someone evil.

Furthermore, this "TransFormers" organization certainly sounds like trouble. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure, but we think that they might well be More Than Meets the Eyes. In fact, we've long suspected that they are Robots in Disguise.