Concerned Citizens Fighting to Keep Propagandistic Children's Books Out of Alameda Schools

Editor,

A group of concerned citizens here in Alameda is working to remove a certain book from the AUSD curriculum. The book in question, titled And Tango Makes Three, is based in part on the story of two male penguins that temporarily form a couple to raise a penguin chick.

When it comes to this kind of subject matter, young and impressionable minds must be protected for the sake of their innocence. Discussions get introduced to young children unnecessarily and before kids are mature enough to handle these discussions with their parents. It is the duty of voting taxpayers to speak up when the schools attempt to indoctrinate our children with the values of special interest groups.

We don't want our children to get the idea that it's okay to be a penguin. We contend that teaching penguin lifestyles in Alameda's K-5 amounts to indoctrination of our children. Now, we have nothing against birds that choose to live in cold climates, and to swim rather than fly, but we shouldn't have to accept them as normal. Imagine trying to get kids on airplanes once they've been convinced that swimming is better than flying. And do we really want them to be drawn into those circles where people publicly mill around in black and white? That sort of thing may be tolerated in San Francisco, but not here in Alameda!

We're sorry to say the chilling rumors you may have heard as a result of our efforts to spread them are true. Your child will be zoologically indoctrinated in public schools. It is up to Right-Thinking Alamedans to push back against the penguin agenda. One of the more insidious aspects of the penguin agenda has been its willingness to manipulate young people's minds to promote sphenisciform behavior. We shouldn't be talking about penguins to kids who are years away from understanding what normal birds are.

Alameda's schools should focus on academics first, academics second and academics before any other issue. So for goodness sakes, let's take a hard look at this ridiculous practice of teaching schoolchildren about sports, art, music, penguins and other non-academic time-wasters. Any program that creates a diversion from academics must be challenged and reconsidered.

If you a concerned, nervous, or worried citizen who would like to serve in our Right-Thinking ranks, helping save our children from penguin propaganda in our public schools, contact "To Serve Alameda." We are a grassroots organization which has nothing to do with cooking, nor with turning island cities into appetizers for alien invaders…honestly, we don't know where anyone got that idea.

Worriedly Yours,
Hannah LaBarbera
To Serve Alameda

Radical Petition Proponent Blames Alamedans for Not Reading Things before Signing Them

Editor,

A number of petitions have been circulating in Alameda this year, and from what I hear, they have caused some confusion and anxiety among voters. A number of people are disappointed to have missed the opportunity to sign certain petitions, while others are regretting having signed them. Some, in fact, have become so mired in an indiscriminate fear of ballot measures that they are attempting to gather signatures on a petition to ban signature gathering.

Let's all take a deep breath, and remember these three time-tested principles of petitions:

1. First, when confronted with a ballot measure or other petition, you should take a minute to read whatever it is that you are signing. If you are in too much of a hurry to read so much as the first sentence of a ballot proposition, you probably shouldn't take the time to put your signature under it, either. Although it may be possible to remove a signature later, it will sure be a lot simpler for everyone concerned, including you, if you look before you leap.


2. Second, if a proposition seems too good to be true, it probably is. Be especially careful to check for small print if the signature collector smells strongly of sulfur. Quite a few Alamedans have been burned by failing to observe this simple principle.


3. Third, think twice before signing a petition that uses the word "penguin." To the best of my knowledge, there have never been large numbers of penguins in Alameda, nor do they seem inclined to relocate here, so any claim that we face problems stemming from an excess of penguins is probably a red herring.

If you follow these three principles, all that remains is to judge each proposition as best you can by testing it against your knowledge and personal convictions. A functioning democracy depends not only on an educated population, but also upon every individual's attention to issues of the day, and the guidance of our conscience.

Sincerely,
Marjorie O'Leo

Editor's Comments:

Miss Oleo is clearly unaware that we Right-Thinking Alamedans deserve to be outraged at the results of our own inattentiveness. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure what else she is going on about, but it can't be anything good, because we thought we saw the word "penguin" in there somewhere.