5:07 a.m.: Kirkland's Kriticism for Kids

Editor,

City Council did a good thing supporting extended hours for that gas station. Normally I would be against any kind of change, but my favorite Councilmember ended up voting for it, so it must have been right. In retrospect, there were a number of good speakers with good points. Good job, Council!

A disappointing aspect of the meeting was the "Youth Committee" concept. There were so many kids who thought it was so important that Alameda youth have a say, and their own "Comission". It looked like 20-30 kids showed up to the CC meeting to support the formation of the Youth Board, but not one of the kids had a word to say on the gas station, how they or others their age feel about the gas station, its impacts on them, or what their city should do about it, or anything on the decision which was the agenda item immediately following the Youth Committee vote. It looked like none of the kids even stayed for the discussion; they just filed out after getting the approval for a new comission. Don't they realize the very real impact of the gas station on their futures?

I wanted to believe that The Children are our future, but after last night's pathetic performance, I have serious doubts about the next generation's ability to face the gravest issues of the new millenium, like high gas prices, Squirrels and getting people to stop parking in front of my house. Youth should be taught to complain early and often. When I was a kid, we complained every day, uphill, both ways, and we didn't need any fancy "Youth Board" to do it!

These kids today need to use their God-given mouths and mouse pads to let everyone in town know which side they are on. We all know that there is only one right side, and that is the side that protects The Children. We can't do it without their help. I am OUTRAGED that youth today seem to have no interest in the problems of youth today.

Donald Kirkland

Parents, It's 5:45 AM: Do You Know Whether Your Children Are Chit-Chit-Chittering?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning up last night after our big Memorial Day barbeque when the doorbell rang. By the time we reached the front entrance of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, nobody was there, but we found this ominous little note had been slid under the door:

http://twitter.com/common_squirrel

BEWARE!!!!!!

At first we thought it was just gibberish, but then we remembered a letter from loyal reader Frieda Bellows, in which she warned us of the danger of this thing the kids today call "tweetering." We immediately contacted our Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur friend who lives here in the East Bay and is a real genius with computers, and he had the Alameda Daily Noose and me tweet-tweet-tweeting away in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were surprised and, frankly, shocked, by what we saw:
Yes, Squirrels are now using the latest in computer technology to corrupt The Children™ directly, effectively cutting Right-Thinking Alamedan parents out of the loop! By exposing kids today to Squirrels and their innermost unthinkable thoughts and twisted desires, they are subtly giving them the message that it's OK to have a bushy tail, run around on tree limbs, and dig for acorns in the lawn.

As The Children™ come to see these deviant behaviors as normal, it's only a matter of time before their little moral compasses go haywire and they announce to their tearful parents that they are running off to live with their new "friends" in the park. The only solution is to confiscate your kids' eye-phones and lap-toppers and ban them from using computers without parental supervision. They'll thank you later, when they're happily married with kids of their own, instead of living in a hole in a tree with some chit-chit-chittering Squirrel.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Scaring Up a Green Halloween

All Hallows' Eve is fast approaching, and my mailbox is brimming with letters from parents concerned about the environmental impact of all those plastic-and-vinyl store-bought costumes that wind up in our landfills every November 1. Like it or not, store-bought Halloween costumes are a fact of life, much like the weather, or the need to drive to the grocery store in a vehicle designed for off-road or military use. After all, everyone knows that homemade costumes are lame, and only the loser kids wear them!

It's common knowledge that purchasing a hybrid S.U.V. makes it okay to drive it to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk…if only there were a similar way to completely eliminate the harmful environmental impacts of Halloween. Well, after a good deal of thought and experimentation in my own household, I am pleased to announce that I have come up with a solution: instead of just throwing those old costumes away, now you can recycle them!

It turns out that with a little care, you can actually store your Halloween costumes and use them again next year. The key is spritz them with plenty of disinfectant, give them a once-over with hand sanitizer, spray them with Raid® Green, and store them in a closet with a box or two of mothballs. With the twin dangers of germs and insects eliminated, there is nothing to stop you from recycling the same costumes year after year. Imagine the possibilities!

What kid today wouldn't love to wear this timeless classic?


For those who want to show their softer, less cubical side, there are the ever-popular Care Bears:


With proper cleaning and storage, perennial favorites like this one will stay as fresh and relevant as the day you bought them:


Of course, it's possible that your little ones might grow tired of the same costume after five or six years. Never fear…simply arrange a swap with the neighbor kids, and everyone can enjoy the recycled Halloween fun all over again. As the kids today would say, "I pity the fool" who says you can't green your Halloween!

Scoop! of Revelations: Mayor Johnson's "Robotic" Call Now on the U-Tubes

Editor's Comments:

On Thursday, many Alamedans received a telephone call from Alameda's lame duck mayor, Beverly Johnson. The Alameda Daily Noose and I soon realized that this was no ordinary phone call, but rather a shocking and surprising revelation of our so-called mayor's shocking hidden secret. We have once again scooped all of the other major news media by obtaining the following exclusive, 100% accurate dramatization of Thursday's "Robotic" call to Alameda residents, which we have posted on the U-Tubes so that all Right-Thinking Alamedans, even those crazy kids today, can see it for themselves:



Johnson courted Alameda voters by stating on her campaign in the mayoral election that she was a "good" "person" who could be "trusted." Her signs included the slogan, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." However, as the "Robotic" call and our hard-hitting dramatization thereof prove, our so-called mayor is, in fact, an Evil Robot bent on destroying Alameda with some kind of "Force Fields" emanating from a secret base cleverly disguised as a Tartan-Oriented Development.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I suspected all along that the mayor is an Evil Robot, but we did not mention it publicly for fear of creating a panic. Well, the time for panic has finally arrived. Today at noon, there will be a demonstration at City Hall protesting the mayor's plan to build a secret base at Alameda Point as a launching pad for her army of Robotic minions to enslave the human race.

We hope that this will be only the first of many demonstrations against the mayor's diabolical plan with increasing numbers of protesters in future weeks to insure that the Evil Robots will be defeated in the upcoming Apocalyptic Battle for Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way. We hear it's scheduled for November.

Roger Grumbel

College Kids Hail Avian Hero in Global War on Squirrels

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had the honor of receiving yet another gee-mail message from none other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:

From: marc albert
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2007 1:48 PM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: Alameda's savior

Perhaps all the local peaceniks can be pushed aside. What we need to save Alameda is a real hawk for our War on Squirrels

http://media.www.thelantern.com/media/storage/paper333/news/2007/11/13/Campus/South.OvalKill-3097245.shtml

Apparently, an entire college campus somewhere in Ohio, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I understand is a Midwestern state famous for its potatoes, was being terrorized by a Squirrel that, no doubt due to exposure to gamma radiation in one of the institution's research labs, had mutated into some kind of hideous genetic freak. Thankfully, the beast's reign of terror was cut short by a true avian hero, an ordinary hawk that somehow managed to fell the monster, as shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Immediately after the incident, there was a great outpouring of support from the student body, as documented on one of those so-called My-Face pages on the interwebs that the kids today are so fond of.

On behalf of our grateful readers the Alameda Daily Noose and I thank you, Mr. Albert, for taking time out from your illustrious musical career to inform us of this great victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Bride of Greening Your Halloween

Last week, I gave my readers some tips on recycling Halloween costumes, and you'll be glad to know that I have even more fresh-out-of-the-box ideas for you today!

Did you know that some Halloween costume companies are starting to use recycled materials in parts of their production process? It's true! You can now buy costumes that used to be cardboard tubes or snack bags. Some of the sturdier plastic materials are impervious to moths, so they will keep your little spooks and sprites in Halloween wear for years to come. Just one look at the expression on the face of little "Count Chipula" in the photo above tells you how much kids love it when their mothers dress them up in old potato chip bags!

You'd better hurry, though; green-thinking parents are going to be snapping up these alternative costumes by the minivan-full. Besides, you will need to allow time for shipping that perfect get-up, since none of the companies that make recycled costumes are in Alameda. So let's all start today, and make sure that none of Alameda's kids will have to be green with envy over their friends' green costumes!

Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 10,000th Visitor

Yesterday, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcomed the 10,000th visitor to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. We're not sure whether this visitor was a "new bee" (which is what the kids today call a greenhorn on the interwebs) beholding our site for the first time, or a grizzled veteran pressing the "refresh" button on his browser for the 100th time, hoping to see some thrilling dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. It might even have been one of those "Spam Boughts," which we understand are so-called secret shoppers for large processed meat conglomerates who scour the interwebs for the latest prices on canned spiced pork products. Well, Mr. Spam Bought, it's only $2.27 at the Dusty Shelves Market, where the Alameda Daily Noose and I shop for those delicacies we can't seem to find at that hippie grocery store.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right, the 10,000th visitor! Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I are far too modest to boast about it, we are simply bursting with pride over the fact that nearly one seventh of every man, woman, and child in Alameda has visited our site, or pushed the "refresh" button, or checked the price of canned pork. We would say we couldn't have done it without you, our loyal readers, but the truth is that you couldn't have done it without us!

Mars Exploration Yields Good News for Young Alamedans

Alamedans are rejoicing at news that NASA's Phoenix Lander may, indeed, have discovered ice on the surface of Mars. What this means is that the children of long-time residents may be able to invest in pristine parcels of waterfront property in a completely new, wide-open real estate market, and eventually work their way up to living in Alameda again.

Many current homeowners had to live in that other city that's not Alameda while saving up their money. Nothing has really changed, except that kids today don't work as hard, and so may have to start out in some part of the solar system that is not as close to job centers as starter home suburbs used to be. Sure, it's a long commute from Mars, and the climate isn't as pleasant that far from the bay, but how can you argue with dirt-cheap land values?

Residents of Mars will enjoy gorgeous views, unobstructed by trees. Also, there will be plenty of free parking.

Scoop! of Accolades Starts 2009 Out Right

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are used to receiving a lot of praise for our journalistic excellence, but even we were pleasantly surprised by the flurry of accolades we have received in the new year. On January 3 alone, no fewer than four enthusiastic readers wrote us seven times to tell us how much they love our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, a new record for adoration. One of these excited readers, undoubtedly a very attractive woman who makes jewelry by hand, even went so far as to ask for our telephone number, but we must inform her with a deep blush that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are already taken.

Now, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not up on all of the latest interweb slang that the kids today are using, so we're not sure what a "lol" is, but we can only assume that it's a good thing. We are a little concerned by the fact that some readers appeared to use the word "blog" to refer to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. Normally we would be highly offended by the suggestion that we have anything in common with those Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops, or B.L.O.G.S.; however, we are going to be charitable and assume that these youngsters are so new to the noose business that they simply don't understand the important, fundamental, and completely obvious differences yet. In fact, it seems that the only criticism our readers have of the Alameda Daily Noose is that there is not more of it. What these poor souls don't seem to realize is that you can never get enough soon-to-be-award-winning noose.

Future Grumps of Alameda Need Your Help

On Saturday, March 20th, at the Rusty Scupper restaurant, Miss Grumpy Alameda will be holding a fund-raiser to provide Future Grumps of Alameda scholarships to young Alamedans in need of instruction in the fine art of complaining. In a statement released today, Miss Grumpy said, "Kids these days are only interested in helping other people, and doing it with a smile. That's not Alameda! Somebody needs to put these fresh-faced do-gooders on the right track, and teach them how to work up a good rant. The future of Alameda is at stake, so bring your kids and grandkids to the fund-raiser, and we'll kick of the evening with a demonstration of classic grumpiness. That's the kind of education kids should be getting."

As of press time, tickets for the event are still available, if you know who to ask. As usual, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose is not covering this event because we are being paid to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda. We are doing it despite that.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Recycling Your Summer Fun!

Happy summer, everyone! I know I'm a little early, since it won't be the official first day of summer until Monday, but it's the perfect time for some summer green living tips.

Usually at this time of year, I'd be getting ready to load the family into the hybrid SUV for a trip to Yosemite or to Disneyland, but have you seen how much it costs to get a whole family into Disneyland these days? I am seriously interested in saving some of that green for other things this year, like our suddenly-readjusted mortgage.

That's why I've come up with a better plan for family fun this summer: we'll just rehash our old vacations! There are plenty of photos from other trips that we can look at together to relive the excitement as a family.

We can say to the kids, "Remember the time when we went to Disneyland and spent half our time in the cinema, because after that we went on a ride, and Chad felt sick afterwards, and then he threw up and we all ended up going home because it turned out he was coming down with the flu? Wasn't that a lot of fun?"

Wow! I could really get used to this armchair traveling, and I'm sure the kids will love it too. So why not get started today with saving some green by recycling your family vacations?

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Bookshelf

Sometimes people ask me, "Janet, where do you get all of your neato-keen ideas for saving money and the enviro-whatsis?" upon which I gently remind them that it's pronounced "enviro-mint," as in "mint chocolate chip ice cream." Then I let them in on a little not-so-secret, which is that I often get ideas from pictures or chapter headings in books.

So if you like the way books look with your living room decor, and you're looking for more inspiration in the green living department, don't delay; have some of these titles shipped to you on the fastest jet you can, from your favorite online bookseller:

Anne of Green Gables: the story of a spunky young environmental pioneer who moves to Prince Edward Island to bring the miracle of modern Green Building renovations to a dumpy old farmhouse.

How Green Was My Valley: a man looks back fondly on the beginnings of clean coal technology research in his Welsh home town, where the now booming industry has no doubt made his native valley even greener!

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe: a woman gets sound advice from her elderly friend about selecting and cooking organic produce and meat alternatives for the restaurant market.

Green Eggs and Ham: this is just the ticket for getting kids excited about free-range, cage-free, free-love eggs and the biodynamic pigs that taste so good with them.

There are plenty more books chock full of Green Living tips, but that should get you started. Unlike some condescending and unhelpful manuals, these books are truly accessible, and provide models for Green Living that Anyone can follow. Why, they even tell you what to do when you get a bad dye job on your hair! Otherwise, I might never have thought of wearing a darling straw hat until my hair grows out again, which should only take a few more months. So what are you waiting for? Let's all bone up on our Green Reading today!