Green Living by Janet Marchant: New Book Has Greens Seeing Red

I was browsing at the local bookstore the other day when I made a shocking discovery. There's a new book out that claims that only a complete idiot would be interested in green living! At least I think this is what the book claims, because I haven't read it and I have no intention of doing so.

You see, if I bought the book, I'd only be enriching its misguided author, and if people saw me reading it in the bookstore or checking it out from the library, they might mistake that for some kind of endorsement. No, I'm not taking any chances with something this important. That's why I'm calling for a boycott of every bookstore and library that has this hateful tome on its shelves!

Of course, pre-eminent environmental authors have extensive research needs, not to mention a weakness for eco-romance novels during the summer beach reading season, so I won't be participating in the boycott myself. Nevertheless, I'm sure that everyone else's selfless actions will send the message loud and clear that green living is for all of us, not just complete idiots!

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland: "Cromwell Is Spinning In His Grave"

Editor,

I am saddened by the Board of Education vote Tuesday night which will be so costly to the district, so discriminatory in putting thespians above all other protected classes, turns an "overall" curriculum meant to be a "framework" into an actor-exclusive "victory", and dividing the house that was our school district’s community.

The lawyers were in the room and there is no way of knowing how much this will cost the district in terms of funds. No way of knowing how many lawsuits will result. No way of knowing if the curriculum will achieve the goals for the thespians, or if it will create more name calling after the curriculum is taught as it has at Otis School after the test stage productions.

There was a time when thespians rightly followed a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Normal, civilized members of society could pass them in the street without ever knowing of their shocking dramatic inclinations, and everyone was happy. That joyful time was thanks to the sensible policies of Oliver Cromwell, who outlawed all theatrical performances in Alameda in 1642. Cromwell is spinning in his grave, now, thanks to the BOE's disappointing vote and blasphemous comments.

It is a shame the new superintendent doesn't have her head on straight like Oliver Cromwell. It has been overwhelmingly obvious that the majority of Alamedans rejected this proposal for teaching about thespianism in the schools, and did so for a wide range of reasons. Since this is the way this superintendent and Board want to run our schools, they will do it without any more parcel tax support. This is a sad turning point and a heartbreaking way for a new board and a new superintendent of a broke school district to establish a relationship with the community.

Donald Kirkland

Former City Council Candidate Goes Too Far

Rog,

I can't believe anybody was ever worried about brown-nosing or any other minor problems at our fire stations. Now that I know how much those moochers earn, even apart from overtime, we know what the real problem is. If they are too incompetent to provide us with high quality service for half the cost, I say just shut 'em all down.

What do we need emergency response for, anyway? You know what? The world's a tough place. I mean, maybe if your house is burning down you might need a little help, but what's all this nonsense about fire stations rushing to the aid of somebody with "cardiac arrest?" In my day, we didn't coddle heart-attack victims. Just walk it off, we'd tell them. Don't give me some song and dance about being "unconscious" or "unresponsive." Heart-attack "victims" used to help themselves and not expect some emergency team to do it.

Nowadays, people talk like it's important to have a heart in the first place, which quite frankly I don't think is necessary. Anyone who has that much trouble with their heart should just have it removed.

Former City Council Candidate

Editor's Comments:

Nobody is going to shut down our neighborhood fire station if the Alameda Daily Noose and I have anything to say about it. This time, Former City Council Candidate has gone too far. Clearly, fire service is one of those rare good uses of our tax money, because we might need to use it someday.

Parents, It's 5:45 AM: Do You Know Whether Your Children Are Chit-Chit-Chittering?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning up last night after our big Memorial Day barbeque when the doorbell rang. By the time we reached the front entrance of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, nobody was there, but we found this ominous little note had been slid under the door:

http://twitter.com/common_squirrel

BEWARE!!!!!!

At first we thought it was just gibberish, but then we remembered a letter from loyal reader Frieda Bellows, in which she warned us of the danger of this thing the kids today call "tweetering." We immediately contacted our Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur friend who lives here in the East Bay and is a real genius with computers, and he had the Alameda Daily Noose and me tweet-tweet-tweeting away in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were surprised and, frankly, shocked, by what we saw:
Yes, Squirrels are now using the latest in computer technology to corrupt The Children™ directly, effectively cutting Right-Thinking Alamedan parents out of the loop! By exposing kids today to Squirrels and their innermost unthinkable thoughts and twisted desires, they are subtly giving them the message that it's OK to have a bushy tail, run around on tree limbs, and dig for acorns in the lawn.

As The Children™ come to see these deviant behaviors as normal, it's only a matter of time before their little moral compasses go haywire and they announce to their tearful parents that they are running off to live with their new "friends" in the park. The only solution is to confiscate your kids' eye-phones and lap-toppers and ban them from using computers without parental supervision. They'll thank you later, when they're happily married with kids of their own, instead of living in a hole in a tree with some chit-chit-chittering Squirrel.

Special Encore Presentation of a Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments on the Editor's Comments:

As time passes, people are sometimes forced to re-evaluate their statements, positions, and even deeply held beliefs. Fortunately, though, this never happens to the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We refuse to let ourselves be confused by the facts; we stand firmly behind our comments from one year ago, whatever they were. That is why, once again, we have dusted off the following classic piece of journalism pulled from the Alameda Daily Noose archives. This one always brings noble tears of pride to our eyes, and we know that you will enjoy it just as much now as you did last year:

Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments:

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan family has its treasured holiday traditions, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I are no exception. Whenever a special day rolls around, we are literally inundated with requests for encore presentations of our Alameda Daily Noose holiday classics. So, without further ado:

Alameda Daily Noose honors those who made ultimate, penultimate sacrifices

The annual Memorial Day Ceremonies at Alameda's Veterans' Memorial Park at the foot of the Bay Farm Island Bridge will begin this morning at 11:00 AM. In a time when it's so easy to become distracted from the issue at hand, we must remember this Monday to focus all of our thoughts on those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the freedom we all hold dear. But how, you might ask, would we remember to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice if it were not for those of us who made the penultimate sacrifice to bring you the story? Yes, that's right, it was the brave journalistic legions of the Alameda Daily Noose who toiled around the clock to bring you the time and place of the Memorial Day Ceremonies.

Although we're far too modest to talk about it, Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, every hour of every day of every week, bravely protecting you, the readers, from the slings, arrows, bullets, and grenades of public discourse that are constantly slung, shot, and hurled our way. When we see a letter to the editor whizzing through the series of tubes that is the interweb, we throw ourselves in its path — without a thought for our own safety — defiantly shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as everything goes into slow motion. We hit the "delete" key, and millions, or at least hundreds . . . well, perhaps dozens of readers are spared from opinions that might jangle disharmoniously with the established thought patterns of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. Before you can raise your voice to utter a word of gratitude, we've already said it: "No need to thank us, Sir or Ma'am, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me."

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Spicking and Spanning, Bluing and Greening Alameda Point

I keep hearing people complain about the need for toxic clean-up at Alameda Point, and let me tell you, I am all for it! There's no reason why that piece of land shouldn't be spick and span by the time the Navy transfers it to the City of Alameda. With just a few simple steps, the Navy could easily return Alameda Point to its former pristine condition, in no time at all.

Now, the ground is what needs cleaning most of all, so let's start there. Based on my own knowledge of house cleaning, I would recommend that the Navy use Mop & Glo to get rid of that pesky radium glow. Not only does it clean away complex hydrocarbons, Mop & Glo leaves an unbeatable shine!

I understand that there's also some contamination in the water at Alameda Point. Well, you can't go wrong with Ty-D-Bol. A bottle of that miracle cleaner in my toilet tank keeps the water fresh and blue with every flush. All the Navy needs to do is hang a container of Ty-D-Bol in the Seaplane Lagoon, which would also be a convenient spot for the Ty-D-Bol man to dock his boat.

Once they've tidied up the soil and the water, that just leaves the air. I have a perfect solution to that, and one that takes full advantage of the wonderful historic resources at the old Air Station. Those big, empty hangars would be a great place to hang a bunch of those giant air fresheners that give you a pure, pine-fresh scent without the annoyances and hazards of actual trees.

These three simple steps would leave us with an Alameda Point that's clean enough to eat off of, so why should we settle for anything less? I hope my helpful hints will inspire the Navy to start their base clean-up tomorrow!

A New Community Group a Day Keeps the Evil Developers at Bay

A group of citizen activists have formed today's new committee of concerned citizens, What's the Point, that will join Inaction Alameda, Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda, Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda, the Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda, and everybody else who's ever been ticked off at the idiots we have running this town, in opposing the new development plan for Alameda Point sponsored by Evil Developers.

Many people do not realize that Alameda Point is three times the size of the rest of Alameda. The proposed changes to the Alameda Point general plan would give the Evil Developer super powers, including—but not limited to—ice breath and X-ray vision, and would allow for the construction of 48,000 homes, 2.5 million gajillion square feet of commercial space and remove protections for historic buildings and puppies. The plan would force everyone to walk ten blocks uphill to a bus stop, stand in the rain for like ever waiting for the bus, and then wind up sitting next to a crazy guy muttering about how the United Nations is using mechanical cockroaches to spy on him.

Current estimates are that every new household at Alameda Point will own five to nine cars plus at least two light trucks or recreational vehicles, which means that this project will produce at least 600,000 new automobile trips every day. Voters are being asked to sign the Evil Developer's petition without a single traffic study beyond the two that have been done so far. The proposed plan would not include any improvements to the Webster Tube or any other route on and off the island; in fact, the plan is to make the Posey Tube slightly smaller, putting motorists in convertibles at severe risk of bumping their heads.

While representing many views on the future of development in Alameda, ranging everywhere from being against it to being vehemently, violently against it, the group is united in its opposition to the Evil Developers' plan for Alameda Point.

Special Election Results: That Showed 'Em!

Well, the results are in, and by soundly rejecting Propositions 1A through 1E, Alameda voters have sent a clear message to those bums in Sacramento: We killed a short-sighted spending cap that would have starved the essential government services we use, and we rejected an economy-killing tax increase that would have been wasted on the bloated government services we don't use.

Just like Suzanne Somers and Bette Davis in that classic chick flick from the early nineties, Alameda voters have bravely driven the '66 Thunderbird of state off the cliff of half-hearted compromise and into the broad, inviting canyon of lower taxes. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can hardly wait for our tax rates to hit bottom!

Thanks to an early warning from the Alameda Daily Noose and me, Alameda voters craftily avoided the trap that had been set for them by Proposition 1F. Those jokers in Sacramento thought they could use reverse psychology on us, putting a measure on the ballot that practically begs people to vote for it, secure in the knowledge that we would do the only logical thing and vote against it. Well, we were so clever that we failed to see through their little non-trick, and we all voted for it, so there!

Alameda Daily Noose Special Election Guide

There's nothing like an election for making people righteously grumpy, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I expect today's vote to be particularly grump-inducing. For those who can't be bothered to read any "information" about the measures on today's ballot, just follow our all-purpose Generic Election Guide, which is every bit as useful now as it was in November, if not more so.

Remember, a "yes" vote on propositions 1A through 1E will send the clear message to our legislators that we Alamedans want a tough spending cap to prevent our tax money from being wasted on frivolous programs like education, road repair, and health services, and that we are ready and willing to tax ourselves to pay for vital programs like education, road repair, and health services.

A "no" vote, on the other hand, will send the clear message to legislators that we Alamedans reject the gimmickry of an arbitrary spending cap that will starve vital programs like education, road repair, and health services, and that we adamantly reject all tax increases that will be squandered on frivolous programs like education, road repair, and health services.

As for 1F, it is clearly a trap of some sort, because we can't imagine why anyone would vote against it. Therefore, the Alameda Daily Noose and I advise everyone to vote against it, unless you suspect that those bums in Sacramento are trying to use reverse psychology on us, in which case you should vote for it.

As usual, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will nobly abstain from voting in this election.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Urges Furious Parents to Sound Off Against Age-Inappropriate Curriculum Tonight

Roger,

I urge everyone who is a parent, voter, or parent and voter to attend tonight's big meeting at 6:30 PM in Kofman Auditorium, located on Central Ave. in the sinister shadow of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. It's time for concerned parents, voters, and various combinations thereof to express their righteous OUTRAGE at the AGE-INAPPROPRIATE curriculum that is being shoved down our children's throats by those pencil-necked bureaucrats on the School Board.

I was shocked when my little girl came home from school the other day and told me that she and all of the other kids were forced to gather in the auditorium and watch as a bunch of la-di-da types in tights pranced around on a stage, engaging in what can only be described as a FARCE characterized by FLAGRANT misrepresentation of the facts! We send our kids to school to learn the Truth of Right Thinking, but it seems that everything in this so-called production was nothing more than FICTION!

I immediately called the principal to complain (I have her on speed dial), but I was told that as part of the School District's new curriculum, they are introducing concepts like THESPIANISM to our innocent, impressionable youngsters in grades K-5! I, for one, do not want any child of mine exposed to the kind of flamboyant drama that these theater types are into.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have some close friends who are thespians. I even took my entire family to a fundraiser for the Alameda Community Theater, and we all had a great time. I am NOT prejudiced against thespians, but I just don't want them anywhere near my kids when they are so young. Now, when they're older, that's a different story. We all know somebody who may have experimented with thespianism in college and yet still went on to become a Right-Thinking Alamedan.

People need to show up tonight full of SOUND and FURY over this new K-5 curriculum that uses unneeded, troubling, and confusing age-inappropriate vocabulary words like "thespian," "striplight," "teaser," "breast line," "double handling," "belaying pin," "fribble," and "gobo." Theater advocacy groups pushing this kind of curriculum benefit from the school commitments they themselves create; for them this is also their business, their income machine. Big Entertainment struts and frets around like all the world's a stage, and all of us poor parents and voters are merely being PLAYED for IDIOTS!

Donald Kirkland

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Another Successful Take Our Bikes to Work Day

My goodness, I was so busy trying to avoid touching things last week that I didn't have time to touch on the very important subject of Take Our Bikes to Work Day, which was yesterday. I hope you had as much fun as I did! I will definitely participate next year, too. It's so easy and fun, and introducing our bicycles to the professional work world can really help them grow.

We all know that riding bicycles is good for the environment, so any way you can figure out to ride your bike more is a boon to our planet. Of course, the streets in Alameda are too dangerous for bikes, because they are all over capacity and infested with dangerous buses. Instead of riding on the streets, I rode my bike around my front yard a few times before loading it on the car rack to take to work with me yesterday.

Usually, my family's bikes only get to go out on occasional weekends, so a little freeway trip, on the back of my hybrid S.U.V., really blew the cobwebs off them, and most of the dust, too. Then, during my lunch break, I was able to ride each of the bikes around the parking lot a few times. Whee! It's so unusual to be able work that kind of recreation into an ordinary work day, and all that riding in circles gave me a delightfully dizzy feeling that really helped with my environmental writing. Who knew saving the planet could be so much fun?

Remember Alameda History, Her Story

Editor,

You'd better believe it's time for our two zip codes to unite against a common enemy! At this very moment, Right-Thinking Alamedans across the Island are being deceived into signing a petition to build a white tablecloth restaurant at Alameda Point, not realizing that it is part of a plan to exempt the Point from Measure Acorn.

Don't be taken in! As any Alamedan worth his salt remembers, this is exactly what happened with Lady Godiva and the Trojan Horse. For those of you who happen to be Right-Thinking newcomers to the Island, and so aren't familiar with the legendary Lady Godiva, I'll fill you in on her story.

Lady Godiva, an early entrepreneur in the chocolate business, was sympathetic to the hard-working people of Alameda when they demanded a white tablecloth restaurant. Her husband, Earl Leofric, insisted on passing a parcel tax to cover the cost of developing the restaurant. When she pleaded with him not to raise taxes, he declared that redevelopment without tax money would happen when Lady Godiva rode naked through Alameda on a horse.

Nakedness was no obstacle, as Lady Godiva already had an inexplicable tendency to walk the ramparts of Alameda without any visible garments on, but riding on horseback presented a difficulty. There were no horses in Alameda at the time, since they arrived later with Christopher Columbus, so the Earl he thought he had her there!

Well, Lady Godiva outsmarted him. She hired a local carpenter named Troy to build her a life-sized wooden horse. It rolled on wheels that were powered by hundreds of Squirrels (collected from that city that's not Alameda) hidden inside. Lady Godiva rode the Trojan horse from one end of Alameda to the other.

The good people of Alameda rejoiced that Lady Godiva had won them a white tablecloth restaurant that served the most sinfully delicious chocolate desserts in all Alameda, but they were horrified when the Squirrels gnawed their way out of the wooden horse and swarmed across the city. Most of the Squirrels immediately began burying acorns that they brought along, which is why this Island was full of oak trees by the time the Spaniards arrived 500 years later.

So watch out, Alamedans! You may think you're supporting plans for a white tablecloth restaurant, but you'll actually be letting hundreds more Squirrels into our community. That's why kids these days need to learn their Alameda history.

Lon Geddoff

Cease-Fire in War of the One True Alamedas; Former Foes to Fight New Numeric Nemesis

Dear Rog:

I begrudgingly accept Mr. (or Ms.) Warard's offer of an olive branch between our two zip codes. Though I believe we will have to agree to disagree which is the superior zip code, I guess we must learn to get along in our fragile world. Mr. (or Ms.) Warard is welcome to bring his (or her) family to our several downtown shopping districts and do some shopping, eat at one of our fine restaurants, and even watch a movie at the beautiful, historic theatre that we all hate so much and yet can't stop giving free publicity to.

Really, we are all the same under our skin. Well, for the most part. What really is starting to bother me is people with these newfangled phone numbers. I still remember when you could tell that somebody lived in Alameda by their phone number - it always started with LA-1 or LA-2 or LA-3. Now people seem to have these other numbers, which don't make any sense. So I refuse to even think about calling somebody whose phone number begins with 747, 748, 846, 865, and so forth. Who are these people?

Sycophantically,
Jess Trumbell

Reader Claims His One True Alameda Is the One True One True Alameda

Roger:

I took great distress in hearing Jess Trumbell's letter in yesterday's edition of the ADN. She is sadly mistaken in her belief that Harbor Bay Isle is not part of Alameda. In fact, I would like to proffer evidence to the contrary, i.e., that Harbor Bay Isle is actually the One True Alameda.

First off, let me dispel the notion that there are multiple names for our fair Isle, and that we are liars. If you look us up in the County Registry, you will see the official name for our lovely community is Harbor Bay Isle. Not island. We are under no illusions that we live on any kind of island. If you look up Isle in the American Horticultural Dictionary, you will find:

Isle (iy-ul) : A peninsula that used to be an island, doubled in size by bringing in landfill harvested from nearby hills and dredged from a newly-formed estuary from a nearby island that used to be a peninsula.

Do you see how this matches the definition of Harbor Bay Isle perfectly?

Now onto the other points. Let me point out that the current and previous four Alameda Mayors all lived on Harbor Bay Isle. (The one before that apparently lived in Cleveland, surprisingly.) Is it possible that this is just a coincidence? City Hall is just a building. What is important is where your mayor actually lives so you can drive across the street to borrow a cup of sugar or give your mayor an earful about the latest annoyances from Squirrels, Bagpipes, teenagers, and so forth.

And now let's look at what is taking up most of the actual land mass in 94501: Alameda Point. Yes, that Developer's Dream, and the undoing of Measure Acorn if we aren't careful. Unlike Harbor Bay Isle, which was developed entirely by a 501(c)3 non-profit, woman/minority-owned cooperative that used green building techniques and operated entirely under volunteer labor using indigenous materials. I take pride in our community!

Therefore, I challenge Ms. Trumbell to take back her divisive language and recognize the Alamedaness of Harbor Bay Isle, also known as 94502. Although I remain steadfast in my stance that Harbor Bay Isle is the real Alameda, I will keep my arms open and welcome all residents of 94501 to drive across the beautiful blue bridge connecting our two zip codes and come shop at our Harbor Bay Landing, where they can find things they can't find on the Island — at unique neighborhood stores like Safeway and Longs Drugs.

Sincerely,
Is'nali Warard

Adoring Female Reader Loves Alameda Daily Noose and the One True Alameda

Dear Rog:

Even though I love your noosepaper more than life itself, I have become concerned, and now even slightly outraged, that you seem to be treating Bay Farm Island (also known as Harbor Bay Island, and sometimes also known as Pirate's Treasure Island or Sailboat Vista Island) as if it were a part of Alameda.

Believe me, it isn't part of Alameda. Not even close. It's really part of…dare I say it? Oakland.

Don't let their zip code, 94502, only one digit apart from 94501, the One True Zip Code, fool you. Only somebody with the zip code of 94501 is qualified to call themselves an Alamedan.

Let's look at the facts:

• Alameda, we all know, is an Island City. Calling the land mass you live on an island does not MAKE it an island. Look at any map, and you will see that 94502 is a peninsula. So not only are 94502-ers inferior, they are also LIARS.


• City Hall is in 94501. Need I say more?


• If you feel like getting more outraged than you normally are, try to take a drive around 94502. Did you get lost? Of course you did. A true city lays its streets out in a proper, grid-like fashion.


• There is only one single place to buy ANYTHING in 94502. This is not characteristic of a city. Admit it, people, you live in the suburbs.


• The entirety of 94502 was built by DEVELOPERS, the ones we finally put a stop to by passing Measure Acorn. If we had managed to fend them off earlier, the entire peninsula would still be farmland, covered in cobweb-filled barns, and yield plenty to feed the island population, with enough to spare to export to foreign countries like Berkeley and San Francisco.

I rest my case. Please do not lump in 94502 with the true Alameda, 94501.

Adoringly,
Jess Trumbell

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Is Mother Earth Looking Green Around the Gills?

Achoo! Is that the flu? Yes, but not your ordinary flu. As you may know, Alameda is facing a global pandemic, which means that the planet itself is sick. And since we all live on the planet, we could get sick too.

Mother Earth will get better faster if we all give her some peace and quiet. That means staying indoors, which will also keep us away from our contagious planet. If you must go outside, follow these simple precautions for coping with a pandemic, or preparing for the possibility of one (I've gotten my lists a little mixed up, so I'm not sure which tips are which):

1. Do not allow any part of you to touch any part of the planet at any time. That means no touching grass, rocks, dirt, sidewalks, and certainly not pigeons. If any of your clothing brushes against part of the planet, burn it upon reaching your destination, so as to avoid infecting yourself or others. You may want to stock up on shoes.
   
2. Try not to breathe whenever you are not safely inside a building. This may be a challenge for those of you with long commutes. You might want to consider working from home until the pandemic is over.
   
3. Watch out for people who may have been infected by the planet. They may show no outward signs at first, but sooner or later they will start wearing hemp and chunky sandals, and chewing on oat groats. Make sure to stay ten or twenty feet away from them, and from anyone else who might be infected and not yet showing it.
   
4. Avoid touching things that Mother Earth-infected people may have touched. That includes doorknobs, elevator buttons, money, food. Anything! If you have to touch anything, be sure to sterilize it first. For non-flammable items, such as doorknobs, a few passes with a flame-thrower should do the trick. Then, be sure to let the knob cool before turning it. For most other objects, I carry a small bottle of alcohol with me. The alcohol is also useful if I fear that I have been exposed to the illness. I take a big swig of it to wipe out any viruses that may have gotten inside me. I think I'd better drink some of it now, since just thinking about illness is making me feel a little ill.
   
   Where was I? Oh, yes, I remember.
   
5. Wash your hands. That's what Mom always told you, right? I'm not sure why washing your hands is on this list, but Mom is never wrong. She also said to put some ice in your drink to mix out the alcohol a little. I'm gonna get some ice and come right back.
   
6. Do not spill your alcohol everywhere while trying to add the ice. Of course, the kitchen is a whole lot safer from viruses now. Thanks, Mom! That was good advice after all.
   
7. If you get sick anyway, Mom will take care of you. Mom's the greatest. Don't be offended if she wears a mask and gloves while bringing you your chicken soup, though, because moms can get sick, too, you know. Even Mother Earth can get sick. That's what a global pandemic is all about.

John Knocks Whyte Promoting Blimp Rapid Transit

Roger,

I just read a newspaper story in the McAfee Stadium Office Park Tribune that exposes the machinations of a certain John Knocks Whyte who is demanding Hydrogen powered "Rapid Blimp Transit" from the Coliseum BART Station to the Oakland Municipal Airfield:

"You can provide the same public benefit for far less money with blimp rapid transit," said John Knocks Whyte, the travel choice program director for TransFormers, a nonprofit public transit advocate. "BART has never really looked at blimp rapid transit as an alternative, yet here they are two weeks away from deciding whether to commit half a billion dollars in tax dollars to a rail extension.

Under TransFormers' vision for express blimp service, sleek, quiet vehicles 60 to 80 feet long could unload passengers quickly through four slides. The blimps would run a clean alternative fuel, possibly hydrogen, Knocks Whyte said.

I am absolutely outraged. This is nothing more than a sham of a travesty of a sham. We already have enough Zeppelins destroying our quality of life in Alameda. We don't need any more Nazi Gasbags fouling our skies. John Knocks Whyte is a mere errand boy, advancing this zany nefarious proposal at behest of our Robot Mayor and her rich developer cronies. Plus, that mooring mast will be the biggest eyesore since the construction of that Giant Parking Garage That Everybody Hates. If constructed, it will further shade our glorious Twin Towers Church. InAction Alameda will not rest until this obvious crooked scheme is stopped. Furthermore, I have uncovered a secret City Attorney opinion from 1975 regarding an interpretation of Measure Acorn that clearly forbids the conveyance of more than a duplex full of persons or goods via airships, blimps or zeppelins.

Yours in Outrage,
Howard David

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were taken aback by this missive from a source we did not immediately recognize, but once we calmed down, we realized that the author must be one of the thousands of Right-Thinking members of Inaction Alameda who toil in anonymity under our good friend Dave Williamson, the tireless Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of Inaction Alameda News.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I still don't know who this John Knocks Whyte fellow is, but we don't like the sound of his name. Much like our hard-hitting stories on cygnine cleanup, ancient Alamedan cuisine, and hapless visitors to English isles, it reminds us of someone…someone evil.

Furthermore, this "TransFormers" organization certainly sounds like trouble. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure, but we think that they might well be More Than Meets the Eyes. In fact, we've long suspected that they are Robots in Disguise.

Frieda Bellows Blows Lid Off Latest Government Cover-Up

Editor,

Your readers need to know about the latest government cover-up that I just found out about. I warned people last year about Squirrels infiltrating our banking system, and look what's happened with that. So you'd better listen up when I tell you that Squirrels are also behind the recent epidemic that will soon bring Alameda to its knees if we're not careful.

Yes, I'm talking about Plague. Sure, the Bubonic Plague hasn't been a big problem in Alameda since 1666, when most of the city burned to the ground, saving many deceased taxpayers a fortune on cremation costs, but that just means that we're overdue for a resurgence of bloated lymph nodes.

Well, it turns out that Plague comes from Squirrels. I came across a top-secret government document that proves it. Buried deep within this four-page pile of medical gobbledygook is the shocking revelation that the Plague first passed from ship rats to Ground Squirrels in San Francisco, and then "moved eastward." Well, you know what's east of San Francisco, and that's Alameda! I'm pretty sure that the blacked-out parts of this document are references to Alameda, because of course they wouldn't want us to know that our island is crawling with Plague!

The City of Alameda has knowingly allowed Squirrels to spread all over the island without giving citizens any warnings about this health hazard. Now that I know about it, I'm going to trap a Squirrel in my yard and have it tested for Plague. When it tests positive, I expect the City to come and clean up all of those dangerous Squirrels that have drifted into yards all over Alameda, promising certain death.

Frieda Bellows

Alameda, on Verge of Bankruptcy, Evicted from Dream Home

On the verge of bankruptcy and no longer able to afford the ballooning mortgage payments on their palatial dream home on Santa Clara Ave., yesterday tearful residents began packing everything up in preparation for their impending move to less expensive quarters. The latest victim of the ongoing housing crisis, the City of Alameda is being evicted from City Hall. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have racked our powerful brains for what seemed like minutes, and we are unable to think of any other possible explanation for what you see in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photograph above.

Now that Alameda is on the verge of bankruptcy, some belt-tightening is clearly in order. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have already scouted out some properties that will allow the City to downsize with style, like this little gem tucked away near that sheet-metal stamping shop down on the waterfront:

This charming little place just needs a little T.L.C. Hang some curtains in those windows, slap on a little paint, and install the granite countertops required by today's building codes, and it will make a cozy home for the essential government services that the Alameda Daily Noose and I use, if not for those bloated, wasteful, inefficient government services to which those other people feel entitled.

Of course, storage space will be somewhat limited, so Right-Thinking Alamedan bargain hunters should be on the lookout for that City rummage sale that will undoubtedly be coming up soon. The Alameda Daily Noose and I hope to pick up one of those spiffy blue chairs and a couple filing cabinets, which we think will look perfect at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters.

Reader Rattled by Deafening Silence on a Critical Issue

Editor,

Alameda's problems are getting worse and worse. Our skies are constantly choked with bumper-to-bumper Zeppelin traffic, Bagpipes are proliferating at rates far exceeding government safety standards, and those kids these days are getting more and more carried away competing with each other to show off the most irritating car stereos.

Why hasn't there been more complaining about these problems? Is every Right-Thinking Alamedan asleep at the switch that could turn off these "boom car" sound systems? I thought Tim Gubitnik was going to start a crusade against noise in general, and "boom cars" in particular. Instead, all I see in the Noose is complaints about Squirrels and graffiti. I don't see how graffiti is anywhere near as important as "boom cars," because graffiti never wakes me up at night, no matter how loud the colors are.

There hasn't been any good complaining about "boom cars" in this noosepaper for almost two years now! I can't always be the one complaining about these things. Other people have to step up with the grumpy letters. Why, I haven't even personally been woken up by a "boom car" for weeks, maybe because the cement and razor wire street barricades I put up in front of my house are making a difference. Sure, they make it hard for me to drive just about anywhere, but I don't have to worry about anyone parking in front of my house, either.

Still, I know that somewhere out there, someone is being irritated by ever bigger and badder arrays of massive speaker sets on wheels. It's pretty hard for me to get up a good rant about them when they don't even come down my street, so somebody else needs to pick up the slack and get cracking with the complaints. What is this town coming to, anyway?

Lon Geddoff

Green Living by Janet Marchant: May Day! May Day!

As we all know, Mother Earth is in big trouble, and that's why this day has always been a special one for environmentalists everywhere.

Very few people realize that "May Day!" is a distress call that is universally understood by everyone in the world. That's why May 1 is set aside for calling attention to the fact that our planet is in distress. The traditional way to celebrate is to shout "May Day! May Day!" while dancing around holding a ribbon, which symbolizes the interconnectedness of all living things, that is attached to a big pole, which symbolizes the North Pole (or, for our friends Down Under, the South Pole) and the attendant danger of melting polar ice caps.

Other traditional forms of celebration include taking off work, which represents the importance of conserving your energy, marching and waving red flags, which symbolize rising global temperatures, and singing about solidarity, which represents the interconnectedness of all living things.

However you choose to celebrate your May Day, remember to take the spirit of the celebration to heart: When confronted with a massive problem, it's important not to waste precious time thinking about what you can do about it; it's much more useful to run around in circles, screaming at the top of your lungs for someone else's help!