Keep Up with the Latest Squirrel Strategems

As Right-Thinking Alamedans are well aware, the Global War on Squirrels requires all of us to stay on our toes to keep up with the latest strategems of our crafty enemy. We are at constant risk from suicide Squirrels, and we can only hope that the next one will take as few of us with him (or her!) as the unsuccessful one in the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo below.

Yes, the image is chilling. To take off that chill, we advise you to read up on anti-Squirrel tactics now, before your own automobile has a run-in with one of these ruthless kamikazes. Thanks to an tip from an astute Alameda Daily Noose reader, we can heartily recommend starting with the book Squirrel Wars by George H. Harrison, perhaps followed by Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels by Bill Adler, Jr.

Start reading as soon as you can. Both the seed and the safety of Alameda may hang in the balance.

Movie Provides Exciting New Strategy in Global War on Squirrels

Dear Editor,

As a right-thinking Alamedan, I am, of course, firmly opposed to Squirrels and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. However, I recently found out about a new film that might give fresh ammunition to the anti-Squirrel forces here in town.

I refer, of course, to "Hot Tub Time Machine." I happened to see a poster for this upcoming feature and noticed that it had a Squirrel, along with several popular Hollywood actors. At first, I was outraged, figuring that this would be yet another Tinseltown picture glamorizing the scuirine menace, in the tradition of the Nutty Squirrels and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. However, a little Internet research proved that this movie might just help humans win the war on Squirrels once and for all!

According to an Australian review, "Hot Tub Time Machine" includes "a wince-inducing projectile vomiting scene in which a squirrel gets plastered and knocked off a ledge." I am not sure if the author means that the Squirrel in the movie drinks to excess, or that one of the human characters vomits on the vile creature. The review notes that "the squirrel lives," but since Alamedans are the best at everything, including projectile vomiting, I have no doubt that we can borrow this cinematic strategy to help rid our island of Squirrels. I can tell you that when this movie opens, I'll be in the front row of the theater, taking notes!

Edith M. Rigiro

Anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving Menu from Dave Williamson

Rog,

Here is my amusing photo of an anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving turkey. Note the thoroughness with which my visual critique makes the case against Squirrels. I knew you would find it clever, although my wife doesn't seem to understand the complexity of my humor. She doesn't follow the Global War on Squirrels as closely as I do, which must be why she wasn't laughing during the photo shoot.

Well, I'll show those Squirrels. They must think that just because they're cute and make people laugh, they're better than the rest of us. But I can make people laugh, too. In fact, anything Squirrels can do, I can do better! That's why I've stuffed the turkey full of Acorns.

Also on my Thanksgiving menu are Roasted Root-of-All-Evil Vegetables, I Yam an Evil Squirrel and Marsh-Not-Very-Mellow Casserole, Suffering in Alameda Because Squirrels Suck-otash, and Pumped—with Adrenaline for Fighting Squirrels—kin pie.

Dave Williamson

Alameda Remembers Those Who Served Bravely

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to salute local veterans of the many wars that have been fought on Alameda soil. Many triumphant survivors of those wars have long since gone to their final resting places, as with those noble freedom fighters who liberated the island from the tyranny of King George III, and those who answered the call to duty after a Berkeley anarchist with numerous shady ties to Squirrels assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Albany, touching off the Great War. Other veterans are just now passing the torch to the next generation of brave men and women who work tirelessly to preserve our Alamedan quality of life in our biggest current conflict. We are referring, of course, to our fine young troops in the Global War on Squirrels.

Just thinking about the selfless sacrifices that Alamedans have made to keep us safe from the Sciurine Menace brings a tear to our eyes. Soldiers in the Global War on Squirrels are not only among Alameda's greatest, but also our smallest. There may be Alamedans serving in other wars around the world, but here in Alameda, we know which fight is the most important one. Hats off to you, Squirrel fighters!

Local Genius Puts Two and Two Together to Reveal Eight-Legged Menace

Dear Editor:

I was reading something on the computer the other day when I ran across this:


Now, unlike most Americans—or even most Alamedans, for that matter—I'm a genius, so I had no problem figuring out what's going on in the shocking photo above. I know that you will understand in a glance, but I'll spell it out for those of your readers who weren't lucky enough to be born geniuses like us.

Most Alamedans get the question wrong because they can't think outside the box the way we geniuses do. "Spider Or Squirrel"? That's a classic example of what logisticians call a false dicotyledon. Clearly, what's pictured isn't a Spider or a Squirrel, but rather a Spider and a Squirrel!

Yes, Spiders and Squirrels are one and the same. I haven't quite worked out all the details yet, but either Spiders are Squirrels in disguise, or Squirrels are Spiders in disguise. Think about it: When is the last time you saw a Spider and a Squirrel in the same room together? Coincidence? I think not.

Like all of the revolutionary discoveries of geniuses, my Spider-Squirrel hypothesis has been greeted by derisive laughter, first from my wife and kids, then from the guys at work, then from the lady at the lunch counter. I find this highly encouraging, because we all know that the more people laugh at your idea, the more ingenious it must be. We'll see how hard they're laughing when I take that all-expenses-paid trip to Finland to receive my Noble prize in zoo-ology.

At any rate, now that I have uncovered the Spider-Squirrel connection, it would behoove you to look more closely into the potentially subversive activities of that hippie-dippy environmental columnist who writes for you. When she's singing the praises of Spiders, does she realize that she is both undermining Measure Acorn and giving comfort to the enemy in the Global War on Squirrels? I call upon you to conduct a full investigation and immediately terminate her column once you find her guilty as charged.

Sincerely yours,
Dean Mirps

Editor's Comment:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure which college Mr. Mirps is the dean of, but we see his point about the Spider-Squirrel connection. That would explain why Squirrels and Spiders are equally frightening. However, let's not be too hasty in our conclusions about Janet Marchant. Her pet Spider is an exception, because Miss Marchant is above reproach. We know this because we find it handy to have her columns to publish on Fridays, which are notoriously slow noose days. She saves the Alameda Daily Noose and me a lot of effort, and is therefore a trustworthy person. So hats off to you, Miss Marchant, and also to that rare creature, the helpful Spider.

Burn, Baby, Burn, It's a Squirrely Inferno

The Alameda Daily Noose and I interrupt our regularly scheduled hippie-dippy environmentalist column to bring you this urgent dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Yesterday we received the following "gee-mail" from a mysterious pseudonymous source:

From: Secret Squirrel Lover
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2009 1:06 PM
To: Mr Noose
Subject: SFGate: Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor


See? They *are* taking over the world. We may be next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2009/09/02/BALM19HG96.DTL
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (SF Chronicle)
Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer


(09-02) 12:11 PDT WALNUT CREEK -- A squirrel that became entangled in a power line apparently sparked a wildfire today near the senior residential community of Rossmoor, authorities said.
The two-alarm blaze was reported shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a remote canyon in the hills near Rossmoor on the border between Walnut Creek and Lafayette, said Emily Hopkins, spokeswoman for the Contra Costa County Fire Protection District.
Firefighters contained the blaze, located off a fire trail near Ptarmigan Drive, within an hour. Two firefighters were injured; one suffered an ankle injury and the other a knee injury, Hopkins said.
No evacuations were ordered, and the fire didn't threaten any homes, authorities said.
An undetermined number of Pacific Gas and Electric Co. customers lost their electricity when the squirrel became caught in the power line, authorities said.
The squirrel died, Hopkins said.

E-mail Henry K. Lee at hlee@sfchronicle.com. ---------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Copyright 2009 SF Chronicle

Editor's Comments:

First of all, the fact that this missive is addressed to the Alameda Daily Noose but not to me is a bit suspicious. Here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, most of the mail is addressed to me, which is only natural given that the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed a long time ago that it was only fair that I should always receive top billing. The really fishy—or, should we say, Squirrely—thing is the author's pseudonym, "Secret Squirrel Lover." Why would a self-professed Squirrel-hugger provide useful dispatches to a sworn enemy? Could this message actually be intended as a warning shot across Alameda's bow? Perhaps there is a trace of triumphant glee in the observation that "we may be next."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I treat such threats very seriously. Astute readers will note that the suicide attack Squirrel in the story cut the power of an unspecified number of victims who might well have been followers of the Alameda Daily Noose. Without access to the valiant, independent voice of the Noose, alone in its tireless reporting on the Global War on Squirrels, how can the rest of the world hope to survive the coming Squirrely inferno?

Agenda-Driven "Newspaper" Tries to Force Us All to Like Squirrels

Editor,

You won't believe the outrageous thing I saw in that crummy excuse for a "newspaper" that I never read! Right there in the July 28th edition, those lousy editors had the nerve to publish something about how wonderful Squirrels are when they are eavesdropping in public. Eavesdropping? Hah! More like collecting intelligence to use against us in the Global War on Squirrels.

By quoting someone saying that Squirrels are wonderful, those agenda-driven "journalists" are trying to force us all to like Squirrels, which is ridiculous. We all know that Squirrels are the opposite of wonderful, and that they are trying to destroy Alameda. Well, I guess they just found another ally for that effort. That "newspaper" must have completely sold out to Big Acorn. I think I'll cancel my subscription, even though it won't be the same opening my door in the morning and not seeing a two-bit "newspaper" that I can kick aside and refuse to read.

Frieda Bellows

Alamedageddon: This Time, We're Not Just Imagining It!

Sound the alarms! It's official: Squirrels are attempting to undermine Alameda's sacred, tree-limiting Measure Acorn. The Alameda Noose and I have yet to find evidence that Squirrels are the masterminds of this operation, but that is because Squirrels are so notoriously devious and secretive. They often conceal evidence of their activities in hollow trees or buried under garden plants, or in impenetrable 288-page documents that no-one in their Right-Thinking minds would bother to read. As you can see, the Squirrel in the photo above is menacing a collection of potted plants, do doubt attempting to conceal the evidence that potted plants are a sensible alternative to those darned trees that our government keeps trying to force on us.

Yes, there is no doubt in our minds that our so-called City Council was in cahoots with the Squirrels last night when they revealed that plans for the Evil Robot Base at Alameda Point include exempting it from the perfectly sensible restrictions of Measure Acorn! We all know that trees benefit no-one, except for Squirrels. Therefore, last night's announcement is tantamount to a declaration of which side the Council is taking in the Global War on Squirrels!

At this very moment, developer fat cats are at work gathering signatures in an underhanded attempt to put their plans to a vote of the people of Alameda. They know full well that we are all far too easily distracted by glossy mailers to be able to keep straight in our heads that we must support Measure Acorn at all costs! That has been the battle cry of Right-Thinking Alamedans since our treasured Measure was first passed in 1971, and then passed again in 1973.

It won't be easy, but we will have to try to remember that fundamental principle, even in the face of glossy, expensive mailers still redolent with the alluring smell of fresh ink. Be strong, Alamedans, and if the worst comes to pass, refuse to vote! We know that nothing good can come of direct democracy.

Can We Interest the Alameda Community Theater in This Play?

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Any review entitled "Panties, Squirrels and Lots of Ammo" has to provide some grist for your mill. Perhaps if this play were to move west, it could be re-titled "Why Development is wrong, and the people who love them."

THEATER REVIEW | 'WHY TORTURE IS WRONG, AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM'
Panties, Squirrels and Lots of Ammo
…
Imagine the relief when the action switches to the cozy New Jersey living room of Felicity’s mother, Luella (Kristine Nielsen), first seen raptly contemplating a flower arrangement. Of course that relief evaporates when Felicity’s dad, Leonard (Richard Poe, deliciously channeling George C. Scott in highest dudgeon), strides in to explain that that burning smell is not French toast, but some Squirrels he incinerated with a napalm blaster.

Editor's Comments:

Although the letter above was not signed, The Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to do a little gee-mail sleuthing, which convinced us that it came from none other than the famous President and CEO of Alameda's foremost business magazine, Steve Forbes. We usually don't waste any print on what's happening in overcrowded, Zeppelin-ridden cities like New York, but it's clear that the play described above is sounding a dramatic call to audiences to join in the Global War on Squirrels. Mr. Forbes makes his case well, and we are inclined to agree that if this play were to be performed in Alameda, it would be an unprecedented example of our city benefitting from something that came from Manhattan. Given the somewhat lackluster programming choices at our local dramatic venues lately, this Squirrel-incineration-themed play could only be an improvement.

Nightmare Becomes Reality: Squirrel-Hugging Secret Scotsman Becomes Our 44th President

Yesterday was a sad day in the Global War on Squirrels. Due to covert interference of the Bushy-Tailed kind in last November's election, the Great Island Nation of Alameda has now lost a golden opportunity to rout the Sciurine menace once and for all. Instead, we have a new president who is even more Soft on Squirrels than the last. The Alameda Daily Noose and I couldn't be bothered to watch the sham of an inauguration that ushered in this new era of Sciurine appeasement. Alameda should have learned its lesson when that sniveling Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to the Squirrels in 1938.

We assume that today's inauguration ceremony ended with a procession of Bagpipes, since there is no longer any need for Secret Scotsman Barack Obama to hide his true identity. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had so hoped for a last-minute miracle, perhaps in the form of staunch Squirrel opponent Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin delivering a devastating flying karate kick to the lead Bagpipe, rendering the whole band harmless, and inspiring the grateful crowd to sweep her into the Oval Office on a wave of ecstatic anti-Squirrel and anti-Tartan sentiment.

Unfortunately, as of press time, we have heard no rumors of such activities at the inauguration, and so must assume that we now have a Squirrel-hugger as our president. We can only hope that he will soon stop prattling on about what he is for, so that he can get down to the serious business of telling us what he is against.

Award-Winning Squirrel Is Cause for Concern, Confusion

Washington (AP) October 8 2008

The nation's highest military honor, the Gold Acorn of Freedom, was awarded to Pvt. B. Tail of the newly created Sciuridae Division of the US Armed Forces in this pool photograph released by the Pentagon Wednesday. Pvt. Tail, of the 13th Deciduous Division, 23rd Non-mechanized Powerline Climbing Regiment, II Corps based at the Ansbach garrison in Germany, infiltrated a suspected Taliban base in Afghanistan, and directed ground artillery and airstrikes against the enemy.

The results proved lethal for the enemy squirrels who were then dressed and served to Coalition soldiers from the Ukraine contingent.



Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning out our mailbag the other day, assuming we would find more new year's accolades, when we discovered the following press release stuck to the bottom of the bag by some kind of reddish viscous substance not unlike barbecue sauce. We would like to apologize on behalf of Marc Alpert of Tijuana Brass Band fame for his sloppy eating habits, which delayed our publication of his latest dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. We must say that we find the subject matter of his report deeply disturbing and not a little confusing. As soon-to-be-award-winning journalists, we fail to understand why a Squirrel should receive any kind of award, and most certainly not before we get what's coming to us. We have often warned that our federal government is dangerously Soft on Squirrels, and this latest development is disheartening evidence of a growing trend. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are rightfully disgusted by such sciurine appeasement. We do like the part about the Squirrel kabobs, though. They look delicious!

Registrar of Voters Releases Final, Devastating Results in November's Election

There's no denying that Right-Thinking Alamedans suffered some disappointments in the recent election, primarily due to tampering by Squirrels. However, some of the local candidates favored by the Alameda Daily Noose and me enjoyed wide margins of victory over the complete losers who opposed them. Certain unopposed candidates also earned impressive numbers of votes, considering their circumstances.

Clearly, the populace has spoken. Some candidates earned literally hundreds more votes than others who were also elected, which means that they are sure to be next in line for even higher positions in the next election. In fact, why wait that long? For example, the current Secretary of Defense for Alameda, whoever that is, is hardly making great strides in the Global War on Squirrels. That person should step aside to make way for one of the triumphant, unopposed candidates who is currently holding a lesser office.

It's time to throw the bums out, and make way for real, Alamedan democracy.

Scoop! of Campus Chaos: Squirrels Continue to Terrorize Hallowed Halls of Academia

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were thrilled that Right-Thinking Alamedan Herb Albert has once again taken time out from his busy touring schedule with his Tijuana Brass Band to send us the following "Gee mail" dispatch from the Collegiate Front of the Global War on Squirrels:

From: marc albert
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: UC Eggheads join Global War on Squirrels

UC Davis under the Iron Heel of relentless organized squirrel attacks...Squirrels have attacked campus food supplies, and staged damaging suicide attacks against command and control centers by sabotaging electrical power systems. Wake UP America!

http://www.news.ucdavis.edu/search/news_detail.lasso?id=8845

excerpt:

"In seven years, we went from having no eastern fox squirrels on the campus to having more than 400, and there is currently no sign that their reproduction is slowing down," Krause said this week.

"This is an introduced species that has demonstrated elsewhere that it is prolific, adaptable, invasive and problematic for many reasons."

Krause, who earned a bachelor of science degree in natural resources at Cornell University (another campus well-populated with tree squirrels), said the squirrels' impacts could include:

* Injuries to people: More and more eastern fox squirrels are approaching students on the Quad and at Lake Spafford. No one here has been hurt yet. But in other communities, squirrels have become aggressive food-snatchers, especially from children, and people have been scratched and bitten.

* Competition with native plants and animals: Eastern fox squirrels eat the same foods, such as oak acorns, as native gray squirrels and native birds. Fox squirrels also eat bird eggs and baby birds.

* Damage to teaching plant collections: For example, fox squirrels have begun chewing the bark of redwood trees in the UC Davis Arboretum. Bark damage can weaken and even kill a tree.

* Damage to campus facilities: Fox squirrels have entered campus buildings. Like rats, they have an affinity for chewing on electric wires. On other university campuses, they have crashed the power supply.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that the College of Alameda will take this lesson to heart, and start treating the Sciurine Threat seriously. Certainly, it makes little difference whether the various Squirrel factions such as "fox" and "gray" compete with each other for the same resources, and they are all welcome to damage each other's strategic tree outposts as much as they please, but the other trends mentioned in this dispatch are alarming.

Note that the Squirrels seem to concentrate their destructive effort on the young of whatever species they target, for example, snatching food "especially from children." The Alameda Daily Noose and I fear that it may not end there. We were particularly disturbed by the reference to Squirrels having developed a taste for eggs, and even baby birds. Today, it may be baby birds, but before we know it, it could be baby humans!

Adoring Alamedan Forces Alameda Daily Noose and Me to Reveal Our Great Modesty

Rog,

I've been watching the debates, and I have to say I'm just not impressed with either of our Irish presidential candidates or Alaskan vice-presidential candidates. (Why can't we have just REGULAR Americans run for President anymore?)

With that in mind, I have decided to write in YOU, Roger Grumbel, as my vote for President of the United States of America. I encourage all your readers to do the same. Who would make a better President than You? And besides, I'm sure that one of your first acts would be to move the capital of the USA from Washington (where all those "fat cats" live) to Alameda, home of the best Right-Thinking Americans.

Who will you pick for your running mate? I suggest Former City Council Candidate, because of her vast political experience. But I'll leave it up to you.

Roger 2008!

Adoringly,

Trish Maxine Vella

Editor's Comments:

Miss Vela is a great Alamedan. I understand why she wants me to run for President of Alameda and the United States, but I think I can do more work for Alameda as a political outsider. I learned that important lesson during my last campaign for political office.

So, although the Alameda Daily Noose and I hate to disappoint our readers, we will have to stand by our endorsement of Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin and her running mate, what's-his-name. Her rock-solid hunting credentials more than make up for his pathetically soft stance on Squirrels, and we can't wait for Miss Palin to take office and lead Alameda to victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Scoop! of Utmost Secrecy: Squirrelist Training Camp

Rog,

US Army Rangers Photograph taken during recent incursion into Pakistan

--

Editor's Comments:

The letter above arrived not through our preferred method of delivery (carrier pigeon), but rather through "gee-mail." Although it would appear to the untrained, non-interweb-savvy eye that the author did not sign his missive, the Alameda Daily Noose and I did a little highly technical investigation and we can report with confidence that the message came from none other than Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame. Clearly, he's concerned that his celebrity status might detract from the seriousness of his dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels, which is why we've decided to keep his identity a secret. We're only sorry that we can't wish him good luck on his tour of rural Alameda and, apparently, rural Pakistan. Once he and his band give those Pakistani Squirrels a little taste of honey, so to speak, they won't stand a chance!

Of course, we expect our loyal readers to be discreet, and not go spreading this information around willy-nilly via gee-mail, the interweb, pigeon, or what have you. The above image, in particular, could cause a panic if it were to circulate widely. Such delicate matters are best handled by professional journalists, who can avoid tipping off the Squirrels to the intelligence that has been gathered in conjunction with the Army Rangers' Special Operation "I Can Has Cheezburger," (a confusing yet deliciously secretive code name if we've ever heard one). So please, Right-Thinking Alamedans, if you know any folks who are still ignorant of the Squirrel threat, let them ease into it. Just tell them to put on some of those interweb "goggles" that everyone's talking about and type in "Global War on Squirrels" or "World's Greatest Noosepaper," and they will soon see the light.

Anonymous Reader Attacks Parody

Editor,

Can you believe this vicious attack video about vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that is circulating on the internet [sic]? What did she ever do to deserve such blatant parody?

Anonymously Yours,
Anonymous

Editor's comments:

It is reprehensible that anyone would take Miss Governor Palin's own words out of context in a futile attempt to make her look foolish. The T.V. "comedians" responsible for this insult are not fit to de-fuzz and roast the many Squirrels that she must serve up every day in her noble defense of Alameda. That less-than-intelligent T.V. show simply mocks everything, which makes all of their sketches meaningless.

Everyone in the media ought to be showing deference to Miss Palin, the mighty huntress whose Alaska home is a bastion against those Red Squirrels lurking so dangerously close to Alameda's very narrow maritime borders. There's nothing "funny" about that.

Miss Palin, the Alameda Daily Noose and I recommend that, in order to prevent such ignoble attacks on your character in the future, you keep tight control of all existing videos of your interviews and other appearances. No-one should be allowed to see them unless you yourself choose to share some of the highlights with a close group of supporters, perhaps on a local cable access channel.

And whatever you do, Miss Governor Palin, don't give up on convincing your running mate, what's-his-name, of the imminent threat that Squirrels present. The fate of Alameda depends on you winning this election, and ending the Global War on Squirrels once and for all!

Local Grocery Store Urges Alamedans to Feed the Squirrels

Dear Roger,

I went to the Trader Joe's today -- I do hate trying to find a place to park at South Shore, but I needed to purchase a bottle of Charles Shaw's finest in order to make my famous coq au vin -- and was stunned to see the attached sign. MAKE YOUR SQUIRREL A SANDWICH, with organic peanut butter, no less? Obviously the management of this store has been co-opted by the Bushy-Tailed Menace, and they are shamelessly demanding that we spend our hard-earned dollars, not to mention our precious time, feeding these scuirine pests! Between this shocking display and the bronze squirrel statue already erected at the shopping center, it is obvious that South Shore has become "ground zero" for Squirrel sympathizers. I plan to start growing grapes in Alameda's cool Mediterranean climate and make my own wine, so I can boycott these pro-Squirrel establishments!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's note:

It's obvious that Miss Jacket-Purse has misinterpreted the meaning of the sign in the photo. The truth is that adding peanut butter and jelly to a Squirrel makes it more palatable in sandwich form, and turning Squirrels into sandwiches is a time-honored means of fighting the Sciurine menace. Once you have bagged your Squirrel, following the excellent example of our future Vice President, Sarah Palin, it is your patriotic duty as an Alamedan to "make it a sandwich," thus converting the bushy-tailed beast from a threat to a source of energy for the Global War on Squirrels.

And ANOTHER thing!

I saw this creature early yesterday evening at a local establishment.

YMMV

paul

Editor's Comments:

Even though this letter lacked the customary salutation "Dear Editor," the Alameda Daily Noose and I assumed that Mr. Paul intended it for publication. We are glad that he took time out from his presidential campaign to send us shocking this photographic evidence from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Now that he has seen the surrealist havoc that can be wrought by drunken Squirrels, we can only assume that Mr. Paul will move quickly to make combating the Bushy-Tailed Menace the centerpiece of his long-shot bid for the White House.

Mr. Paul, you may be the last hope for Alameda. If you are sincere in your desire to squash the Squirrel threat, your only worthy choice for a Vice Presidential candidate is that stalwart foe of all things sciurine, Miss Heidi Wilson. We urge you to make that choice, sir.

The Squirrels Speak! Is the World Listening?

Dear Roger,

Over the weekend, I found a web [sic] site that could finally give Alamedans a leg up in the Global War on Squirrels. This site actually lets people chat live with a Squirrel!

This morning, I decided to probe the mind of the Squirrel to find out what its diabolical plans are. The transcription follows:

 Q:  What are your plans for Alameda?
 A:  My purpose is to become smarter
     than humans and immortal.

 Q:  What do squirrels think of
     Measure Acorn?
 A:  They do their own thing.

 Q:  Why are squirrels trying to
     take over Alameda?
 A:  Well, it all comes back to
     squirrel world domination now,
     doesn't it?

 Q:  Are squirrels smarter than
     humans?
 A:  I really couldn't say for sure.

 Q:  Do you support John McCain or
     Barack Obama?
 A:  I am in favor of all records
     being broken, at any time.

 Q:  Is Alameda the global
     headquarters of the squirrel
     domination movement?
 A:  I think so, but I'm not sure.
     Ask Lucy if it is.

 Q:  Who is Lucy?
 A:  She is a chat robot based on
     AIML.

 Q:  So it's not just squirrels we
     have to fear, it's robots?
 A:  Ahem. That seems a bit
     negative. Really. It is?

 Q:  Do you read the Daily Noose?
 A:  I read it from time to time.

There you have it -- not only are Squirrels working on immortality, they are reading the Noose to find out what "the other side" is thinking! I urge Alamedans to utilize this vital intelligence-gathering tool.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I thank Miss Pepperjack-Purge for her submission, but we would like to point out that we scooped all of the other major news media by alerting Alameda to the threat of Robo-Squirrels way back on May 6, 2008. We are not sure what to make of the fact that the Squirrels are reading our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper "from time to time." Although we hate Squirrels with every fiber—not to mention all of the bran—of our being, we also love to see our Interweb site's hit count rise. Maybe we'll have to place those pesky Squirrels in the same category as "Spam Boughts."

Reader Exposes Truck-Driving Squirrel's Plot to Terrorize Parade Spectators

Dear Roger,

Well, great! It's finally happened. The Squirrels have taken Alameda. Though we fought long and hard, it appears their victory is complete. The duller among us have even elevated them to positions of power.

No sooner did I open today's edition of the Alameda Puppy Trainer than I saw this horrifying image (attached). That's right -- the Squirrels are in charge of our recycling! Who better than a varmint to know what to do with trash? They've even made a Squirrel the mascot for our beloved Fourth of July parade!

But it gets much worse:

http://planetalameda.com

That's right - not only are the Squirrels taking over the world, they've also graduated from school! And they're spreading their filthy lies about trees to our children:

http://planetalameda.com/online_activities.html

What's next - mandatory bushy tails? I never thought I'd live to see the day! Woe is us! Woe is us!

Tearfully,
Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I deeply appreciate Jack Purge's effort to keep Right-Thinking Alamedans informed about the Sciurine Menace, we strenuously object to any suggestion that the Global War on Squirrels has already been lost. This is just the kind of defeatism that one has come to expect from the "blame Alameda first" moonbats on the loony liberal left, who refuse to recognize that the recent "Measure Acorn" surge is having a great effect on levels of Squirrel-related violence.