Measure Bagpipe Proponent Needs to Clean Up His Act!

Rog:

Out of curiosity, I decided to go take a look at the house with the pro-measure-Bagpipe sign that you reported a couple of days ago. Thank you for mentioning the address of the house — it took no time to find it!

I have to say, I was shocked. One thing you didn't mention was how ugly the sign owner's house is. It is an absolute disgrace!

I mean, there were broken windows all over the front of the house, like the owner had been tossing balls into the windows on purpose. He had spray painted profanities all over the front of his house. Most of what I saw was not printable in a noosepaper, but the one phrase that can be repeated was "traitor go home." What kind of homeowner would do such a thing — that clearly lowers the property values of the house, not to mention the entire neighborhood!

As I got out of the car to investigate, I noticed a peculiar sulfur smell, like rotten eggs. Sure enough, there were eggshells strewn all over the otherwise well-manicured lawn. It was a bit odd that the lawn had streaks of yellow all over it, as if the owner had poured chemicals all over the place.

What strikes me as the oddest, however, is that the Measure Bagpipe sign, while it had appeared to be brand new and pristine in the photo in the ADN, was instead covered in blue slime and perhaps the remains of rotten tomatoes.

Clearly this homeowner is not going to make any points in influencing his neighbors by showing such an obvious lack of etiquette and taste.


With great affection,

Terry Jimpson

Editor's Comments:

Janet Marchant is on vacation this week, and it's a good thing she isn't in town to see that kind of mess. It would break her clean, green heart to see such abuse of Kentucky bluegrass. It's no wonder that people "discriminate" against Bagpipers, given the appalling lack of respect that these sonic lowlifes and their enablers have for their neighborhood property values. What kind of sick individual leaves rotting food on his own lawn instead of discreetly dumping it on someone elses's property, as the rest of us do?

Voter Information for Special Election on February 2, 2010

This weekend, the City of Alameda will release a documentary to educate voters on Measure B. The following video is the official trailer for that documentary. The Alameda Daily Noose and I believe you will find it informative, and hope that the full documentary will live up to our expectations.

Actual "Yes" Sign Spotted

If you have driven around town in over the last few weeks, you are sure to have noticed the thousands of NO signs on almost everybody's lawns. (This is a sure way of knowing which of your neighbors are Right-Thinking Alamedans.)

Since this is a Noosepaper, however, we feel obliged to tell the other side of the story. So here we present a photograph of the single house that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have found in Alameda that is actually showing a "YES" sign, in favor of Measure Bagpipe.

The residence is on the 3200 block of Lincoln Avenue. 3206, to be exact. The cross street is High Street.

Oakland Cinema Chimes in on Measure Bagpipe

Spotted! The historic "Grand Lake Theatre" in the foreign country of Oakland has taken a keen interest in Alameda Politics.

The controversial theatre, known for playing movies about things that happen outside of Alameda, is well known for its politically charged marquees. Usually the signs declare half-brained cockamamie accusations about flaws in electronic voting machines or insider trading or government coverups, but it's nice to see that even these "liberal" nut-jobs have embraced the grumpy side of the force, and are now coming out against Measure Bagpipe!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't believe it took so long for a bunch of nuts to realize that they are in danger from Squirrels. Right-Thinking Alamedans have long known that Measure Acorn is the one thing standing between us and destruction by Squirrels, and now Measure Bagpipe (colloquially known as Measure B) threatens to undermine Measure Acorn, thereby destroying our precious quality of life.

A Day for Appreciation…of the Sciurine Menace

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I received a tip from a concerned reader whose name we are withholding in order to protect her life. She alerted us to a shocking story in one of those Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.) called the Hufflepuff Post, or something like that. We wouldn't know because we never read B.L.O.G.S.

Supposedly, last Thursday, January 21, was "Squirrel Appreciation Day," but the Humperdinck Post's radical pro-Squirrel agenda went far beyond mere "appreciation." Not content merely to indoctrinate its readers with Sciurine propaganda and urge them to "spread the word," this shameful rag asked people to fortify the Enemy with sustenance, including—but not limited to—pine cones, peanut butter, and nuts.

As if that weren't bad enough, the Squirrel-hugging Hackensack Post went on to preach defeatism to Right-Thinking Alamedans with enough sense to recognize the Sciurine menace: "If you're a squirrel hater, fight the urge to chase one, throw things at it, etc."

Finally, under the guise of "education," the Heffalump Post presented a terrifying film clip showing a gang of vicious Squirrels terrorizing a poor, defenseless cobra.

Watching that poor snake suffer at the paws of those heartless Squirrels reminded the Alameda Daily Noose and me of a chilling poem we learned back in our school days:

First they came for the pine cones, and I did not speak out—because I was not a pine cone;

Then they came for the peanut butter, and I did not speak out—because my name was neither "Skippy" nor "Jif";

Then they came for the African cape cobras, and I did not speak out—because I was not a member of the suborder Serpentes;

Then they came for me—and there were no Right-Thinking Alamedans left to speak out.

It's time for Right-Thinking Alamedans everywhere to wake up take back our Treasured Island from the Squirrels and the Squirrel sympathizers, before it's too late.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Why Not Water Gardens?

If you're like me, you currently have puddles a couple of inches deep in parts of your yard thanks to all of the rain. It seems especially bad this year. Maybe that's because of the unusual El Niño storms, although it could also have something to do with that new concrete parking space my family put in our front yard last summer. The biggest puddles do seem to be on the downhill side of that concrete pad.

Anyway, I was unloading organic groceries from our hybrid SUV the other day, trying not to step off into a puddle while I was doing it, when I had a fantastic idea: giant lily pads! Within a few minutes, I was back in the SUV, picking up some water plants at the nearest Wal-Mart. Did you know that a single leaf of the Giant Amazon Water Lily can support the weight of a full-grown adult, not to mention this adorable child?

They didn't seem to have any Giant Amazon Water Lilies in stock at Wal-Mart, but I did get some other plants that are supposed to thrive on being submerged, unlike my Kentucky bluegrass. I found some old sandbags that a neighbor had carelessly left lying right across his basement doorway, and arranged them artfully, like natural boulders, around the largest puddle in my yard. Then I plunked my new pots of water plants in the puddle and…well, I could describe the results, but you really need to see it for yourself. So next time you drive past my house, take your eyes off that text message for just a wee moment to get some inspiration for a clean, green solution to your own yard flooding problems. Enjoy!

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 21 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board January 11, 2010


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council January 19, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure, but it looked like there was one Council member missing at this meeting. It was not as bad as most, however, since the Good Evil Robot Mayor was in unusually fine form, displaying an impressive knowledge of streetlight design.

Regular ARRA Meeting January 6, 2010


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Special Joint City Council and School Board January 5, 2010

Editor's Comments:

If there's one body the Alameda Daily Noose and I mistrust more than the City Council, it's the School Board, with its pro-penguin bias and its scheme to turn innocent children into flightless waterfowl. Fortunately, two wrongs seem to have made a right in this case. That might be because both the Council and School Board seemed to fall under the spell of the positively bewitching Interim City Manager. With a mere wave of her hands, she was able to banish all possibility of any future redevelopment at the old base, leaving her audience giddy with relief.

Then there were some boring speakers who didn't know what they were talking about. However, the Alameda Daily Noose and I pricked up our ears when one inspiring speaker held up some kind of document that proved that certain people are, or have been in the past, nothing more than mindless shills conspiring with Evil Developers to undermine our Alamedan quality of life.



Nothing Worth Complaining About:

Artists Should Stick to Art and Leave Alameda History to Right-Thinking Alamedans

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were incensed when we read the press release below. It is clear that these so-called artists are really nothing but shills of Big Arborist, spouting revisionist history that is nothing more than thinly disguised propaganda designed to indoctrinate us into the arboreal lifestyle.

The truth is that Alameda's name has nothing to do with trees, unlike some of those other cities that are not Alameda. The name is "Alameda" not "Ala-tree-da." As all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, Alameda means "place where one's neighbors do not park in front of one's house." Or possibly "place where one may walk one's dog at night."

These punks need to educate themselves about Alameda. That's what the Alameda Daily Noose and I did. We didn't need any teachers or books. When something seemed right to us, we just wrote it over and over again on the chalkboard until we were convinced that it was true.

This just goes to show that you can't trust artists. Not only do they get their history wrong, but they lied about the content of their current exhibit. The Alameda Daily Noose and I decided to take a look at it, and there wasn't an auto body part in sight! Obviously, they know as little about art as they do about Alameda history.


PRESS RELEASE: CALL FOR ENTRIES:

"Future/Tense", an exhibition honoring the ecology of Alameda Island
April 9th- May 2nd, 2010
Opening Reception April 22nd, Earth Day, 7 - 10pm

Autobody Fine Art is proud to announce its first juried show, celebrating the ecology and geographic diversity of Alameda Island and opening in conjunction with Earth Day. As many of you know, the island that Alameda occupies was originally a peninsula connected to Oakland. Much of the peninsula was low-lying and marshy, but on higher ground the peninsula and adjacent parts of what is now downtown Oakland were home to one of the largest coastal oak forests in the world. The area was therefore called "Encinal," Spanish for "oak grove." "Alameda" is Spanish for "grove of poplar trees" or "tree-lined avenue," and was chosen in 1853 by popular vote

Five species on the endangered wildlife list make their home on Alameda Island, alongside a wide variety of waterfowl, plant life, domesticated animals and landscaped gardening, as well as over 75 thousand human beings. Artists have a responsibility to reflect social and environmental issues, be it through commentary, critique or celebration, and we are inviting you to become a part of the visual record of the island by taking part in our honoring of Earth Day.

We are soliciting submissions from local artists that focus on the ecological and environmental issues that affect Alameda Island. This could take the form of direct representation, metaphorical or allegorical abstraction, performance or installation, or, perhaps, a more didactic response to preservation, pollution and waste management. It's up to you, but Autobody Fine Art encourages you to think "outside the box," and surprise us with your creativity. Alongside static works, we are also encouraging artists to submit video, performance and installation concepts.

In addition to the exhibition Autobody Fine Art will be presenting a presentation on Shellmounds, including those in Alameda. It is important to acknowledge the first people of Alameda and their stewardship of the land. The Chochenyo (Ohlone) people lived in Alameda until the late 1840's and there are 5 recorded shellmounds in Alameda. Sites found in the East Bay including Alameda are recognized as an archaeological deposit from the time of the first historically recorded settlement of the East Bay, and was subjected to one of the earliest archaeological excavations in the United States. Please check our website for presentation dates and times.

Submissions for visual artworks should be in the form of up to 5 jpeg images on a CD formatted for Windows. Please include a list of the artworks submitted, including size, materials and titles. Cost for submission is $15.00. Submission fee payment can be made at our website www.autobodyfineart.com or a check made out to Autobody Fine Art Inc.

Submissions for performances should be up to 3 minutes in length and include a written description of the performance.

Submissions must be received by March 10th, 2009. Accepted artists will be notified by March 20th. Installation will begin on April 5th. Accepted installation artists will meet prior to installation and will be given a reserved space in the gallery for their work.

Please contact Jacqueline Cooper or Amy George at 510.865.2608 or info@autobodyfineart.com with any questions.

Thank you.


Amy M. George
Autobody Fine Art
1517 Park Street
Alameda Ca 94501
gallery: 510.865.2608
amy@autobodyfineart.com
www.autobodyfineart.com

Often-Overlooked "Measure C" Also on the Ballot

While most attention has been paid to Measure B, the "bagpipe" measure that we and all right-thinking Alamedans are in opposition to, we at the Alameda Daily Noose would like to remind voters of the other measure on the ballot for this Special Election: Measure C. In this case, C is for "Children."

Those in favor of Children say that they are joyful, happy, energetic, and most of all, are the future right-thinking generation. Without Alameda Children, there will be no Alamedans in the future, and that would be bad.

On the other hand, those opposed to Children say that they are loud, often have runny noses, grow into Teenagers before reaching adulthood, and frequently need to take a bath. Alameda should not be populated in the future with this kind of people.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are steadfastly neutral in this measure, and encourage all right-thinking readers to vote "Maybe" on your ballot.

In Stunning Flip-Flop, Mayor Urges Alamedans Not to Shop Alameda

Last year, Alameda's now-good Evil Robot Mayor, Beverly Johnson, produced a film urging Alamedans to "shop Alameda." The star-studded, red-carpet gala premiere was met with critical acclaim and runaway box office success, and since then the movie has been showing endlessly—or at least it seems endless to the Alameda Daily Noose and me—at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just learned that Johnson has produced a sequel which, in a dramatic reversal of the position she espoused in her first film, now warns Alamedans not to "shop Alameda." We obtained a bootleg print and, with some technical assistance from our ten-year-old grand-nephew, posted it here on the Interweb in order to give our Right-Thinking readers an exclusive sneak preview:



Asked about her stunning flip-flop, Johnson replied, "Well, Rog, these stunning flip-flops get a little easier each time. Remember when I called everyone in Alameda and asked them to support the Evil Developer's plans for the old Navy base, and then I realized that perhaps I had been too hasty, and so I sent them all a letter asking them to vote against moving forward with the plan? Well, that got me thinking: Had I rushed headlong into this whole 'shop Alameda' thing, too? So, after careful consultation with the interim city manager about the numerous risks and potential downsides of shopping locally, I decided to make this new movie to set the record straight."

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Planet's Natural Satellites

Guess what: according to my calendar, Alameda is getting a brand-new moon tonight. "Hooray!" you say, but wait! As we all know, the moon is made of green cheese, and it's awfully wasteful to just throw away anything that has "green" in its name.

Just think how much better off our planet would be if we found a way to recycle all of those old moons. For example, we could use an old moon for a big pizza pie! After that green cheese has sat around for a month or so, it's probably more like aged mozzarella, which is one of my favorite pizza toppings.

I'm suddenly feeling hungry for some reason. I think I need to go and make a phone call, but now that I've got you started, I'll bet you can come up with all kinds of other great solutions for cleaner, greener use of our planet's satellites.

"Alameda Towne Centre" Rechristened "Sowthe Shore Centre"

The shopping center formerly known as "Alameda Towne Centre" has been renamed "Sowthe Shore Centre" in order to keep up with demands of upscale Alameda shoppers to reduce confusion.

The new name was unveiled at a ceremony this morning, presided over by ATC manager Richard Corbin, Mayor Beverley Johnson, Alameda Chamber of Commerce President Mick Whitfield, and — some say, perhaps former State Senator Don Perata (though this cannot be verified by photos taken at the event).

The unveiling of the new signage took place at the main entrance to the mall, with its flagship stores, Mervyns and J.C. Penney, in the background.

"We are pleased to change the name of this venerable shopping institution to a name that will be less confusing for Alameda shoppers," said Richard Corbin, manager of the newly-renamed Sowthe Shore Centre. "We found that Alamedans were often driving around the MIDDLE of the island, looking for their favorite mall, due to the confusing name we were using."

"We hope that Alamedans will have less trouble finding us now that our name indicates that the "centre" is on the "sowthe" shore of the Island City," Corbin added.

When asked about the unusual spellings, the manager explained that they wanted keep some of the "old-fashioned" charm that was part of the original name, and that research shows that people spend more at malls with oddly-spelled names.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I applaud the decision to update the name.

Something Has To Be Done About Jobless Crowding Alameda's Sidewalks

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Every so often, I like to drive down to Park Street to eat lunch at one of our exotic restaurants. But nearly every time I arrive, I find that the sidewalks are packed with young, unemployed people. I'm not just talking about a few here and there, but literally hundreds of them.

This is absolutely an outrage. Young Alamedans should be working at this time of the day, not wandering around, talking, giggling, and wearing backpacks and showing off their baggy fashions. They are behaving like children! These young people need to get a job.

I believe that if they refuse to get a job by next Wednesday, we should all call the police and ask them to be arrested and taken to a place where they will do some work. That would keep these jobless youngsters from taking up so much space on our already over-crowded sidewalks.

Alameda's sidewalks and streets should be clear and quiet, to allow for retired, Right-Thinking Alamedans like myself to walk from my car to the entrance of my restaurant in peace.

With sincerity,

Dolores Freemason

Sue Rijos Has a New Name for Measure B

Editor,

I have an Idea.

They should change the name of Measure B
to Measure C for Crummy!!

Ha, ha, that's really clever and funny. Maybe it should be
Measure D for Dumb!!

Even better! How about
Measure E for Evil!!
Measure F for Foolish!!
Measure G for God-Awful!!
Measure H for Horrible!!
Measure I for Idiotic!!
Measure J for Junky!!
Measure K for Kooky!!
Measure L for Lousy!!
Measure M for Messed-Up!!

Wow, this just never gets old. How about
Measure N for Nasty!!
Measure O for Obnoxious!!
Measure P for Poopy!!
Measure Q for Questionable!!
Measure R for Rotten!!
Measure S for Stupid!!
Measure T for Trashy!!
Measure U for Unbearable!!
Measure V for Villainous!!
Measure W for Weak!!
Measure X for…

Measure X for…

Measure X for Xylophone, because…because X is always for Xylophone, and a Xylophone's as good as a Bagpipe in the dark to a blind bat, as my dear old grandmother always used to say!!

Then again, maybe it should be
Measure Y for Yucky!!
Measure Z for Zombifying!!

Which brings us back to
Measure A for…

No, no, wait, Measure A is reserved in perpetuity for Measure Acorn and Measure Angus, each of which is the only thing that stands between Alameda and total destruction. No, no, Measure A is out.

OK, so that only leaves the best name yet
Measure B for Bad!!

Sue Rijos

Sacred Symbols Left Out on the Street to Rot

Dear Roger,

I am writing to complain about the sacrilegious behavior perpetuated on Alameda streets. Every year after the Christmas holiday, people discard their Christmas trees carelessly on the street. Please find enclosed some snapshots I took around by driving around on my block.

Clearly this is the result of wrong-thinking (or left-thinking) Alamedans. Any right-thinking Alamedan knows that the Christmas tree is a sacred symbol dating back to the days of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

In the words of Jeremiah 10:1-5:

...for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

As this clearly states, a Christmas tree must be fastened, and it must not be moved after that. Any disposal of a Christmas tree, then, is sacrilege.

Like all Right-Thinking Alamedans, I have never disposed of, nor removed, any of the 23 Christmas trees I have purchased and attached to the floor in my house in all the years I have lived in my house. (I also treated the Christmas trees in my previous residence just as reverently; unfortunately they were lost when the house burned down in 1987.)

Perhaps somebody should take these trees back to the houses of the people who moved them and explain that they are not to be disposed of!

Humbugly,

Sylvia C. Richards

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your New Year

Happy New Year, Alameda! Don't you just love that fresh new-year smell? It reminds me of when my family and I make that yearly trip to the dealership to pick up the very newest, greenest model of hybrid S.U.V.

But new cars aren't the only things you can buy to make your life greener. This year, why not resolve to replace all kinds of things in your household with new, green alternatives? There's no time like the present, so why not throw out those old trash bags you've been using, and replace them with recycled ones? In fact, if you put the old ones in the recycling bin, you'll be creating more recycled plastic!

And then there are all of those outdated clothes that collect in the closet. Why not start out the new year with an all new wardrobe? Be especially careful to throw away any clothing made from nasty chemicals, like polyester and alpaca. No-one should have to have dangerous chemicals next to their skin. Instead, you can replace those items with ones made from organic cotton, hemp, and (my favorite) cashmere!

It's also a great time of year to clean out your refrigerator. If you still have any fruits, vegetables, condiments, prepared foods, etc. in there that aren't organic, you can simply empty them into your green bin, and replace them with free-range, hormone-free produce and other foods. If you aren't sure how much of the organic products to buy to replace your old ones, I recommend getting an organic ingredient conversion table like the one I used to figure out my famous organic cornbread muffin recipe.

These are just a few ways that you can ring out the old and ring in a greener new year. So, go ahead and use your own inspiration as your search for more unsustainable things to replace with responsible ones. Happy shopping, everyone, and let me know if you find any exciting new green products!

Art Gallery Revs Up Show for Auto Enthusiasts

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were somewhat puzzled when we received the press release below. It seemed to have something to do with automobiles, which we love, but also involved art. We all know that you can't always trust artists, so the Daily Noose and I did some investigating, and discovered that automobiles and fine art really do go together!

This sleek, cable access-watching pedestal is the kind of art that any Right-Thinking Alamedan could be proud to have in his own living room. It's hard to believe that one of those kids these days, with their so-called skate-boards and ball-point pens, could produce anything with such depth and clarity of purpose, but it takes only a cursory reading of the press release to convince us that this young Mattie G. has a way with found objects and vinyl:

Matt136 - a solo show
January 8th, 2010 - February 7, 2010
Opening reception, January 9, 2010, 7:00pm - 10:00pm
Autobody Fine Art
1517 Park Street
Alameda, CA 94501
510.865.2608
http://www.autobodyfineart.com/
info@autobodyfineart.com

Autobody Fine Art is proud to present a solo show by artist Matt136. This will mark the first time in Autobody's history that we have given one artist the entire space to work with and it is a testament to the remarkable skill, dedication and creative purpose that is evident in Matt136 artworks.

The exhibition will feature a variety of works ranging from minutely detailed drawings that elicit Renaissance comparisons with Durer and Michelangelo, to brightly colored assemblages that carry complicated meaning within their formal arrangement. A cast of recurring characters appear throughout the artwork including a plump little rat, symbolic images of the artist himself, flying toasters, hand grenades and Michael Jackson alongside numbers and text which in their specificity allude to a greater narrative. For this show Matt136 will be producing a site-specific mural within the space which will tie in with the multiple other elements occupying the gallery walls. As the viewer attempts to take in the installation as a whole, this rhythm will be interrupted as the eye alights on individual art pieces that captivate through charm and idiosyncrasy.

Matt136 is meticulous in his craft. Old vinyl records are sawn into landscapes across which people and animals march and a simple ball point pen is used to produce highly detailed images through repetitive cross hatching. As a skateboarder, Matt136 has produced a number of skate decks and also deconstructs the boards themselves to act as environments for his characters. The work is obsessive and extremely focused but retains a playful, almost cartoon-like quality that allows Matt136 to address complicated personal and social issues while still seducing his audience. Drowning drunks, insecure parents and a variety of levels of frustration are all mirrored in his characters, as is a celebration of the diversity of emotions and challenges that face both the artist and his audience.

For a full biography and more images please contact Amy George, Gallery and Event Director at 510.865.2608, or at info@autobodyfineart.com

What's Really Going On Here??? Reader Demands to Know

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Today, I received a flyer in the mail urging me to vote No on Measure B. Naturally, like all right thinking Alamedans, I was planning not only to vote no but to picket the houses of anyone who dares to display a pro-Measure B yard sign. However, I noticed something very sinister in the upper left hand corner of the mailer:

No on B is headquartered in The City that is Not Alameda!! I don't know about you, but I find that extremely ominous. How am I supposed to believe that voting No on Measure B will protect our treasured isle when apparently, the anti-B forces are coming from across the estuary? For all we know, this is the first step in a "Trojan Horse"-type of master plan that will lead to that other city sending all of its bagpipers to Alameda. I urge you to look into this shocking development to find out who is REALLY behind Measure B.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

This Right-Thinking Alamedan's missive has hit the Alameda Daily Noose and me like a bombshell. We know that Measure B, as in Bagpipes, is Bad, yet we know that people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda have no right to an opinion on anything, much less on the internal affairs of our Treasured Isle. Do we conclude that people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda are not Bad, because they oppose Measure B? Or do we conclude that Measure B is not Bad after all, because it is opposed by people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda? Clearly there is no middle ground; it must be one or the other. But which? Which?!

Fallen Leaves: The Scourge of Alameda

Dear Roger:

I know that the pages of the Alameda Daily Noose have been filled of late with words about the things that we hate. I agree that there are many things to hate: people parking in front of my house, squirrels, teenagers, bagpipes, developers, music, dancing, holiday cheer and holiday asbestos, people saying nice things to you, Canadians, SunCal, thespians, bridges, neighbors, pumpkins left on people's front porches in October, the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, the School Board, B.L.O.G.S., people who don't live in Alameda, mayors who don't come from a long line of Alamedans, and so much more!

But the one thing that really bothers me is leaves. No, not the leaves stuck on trees where they belong, but the dead, decaying, dirty, soggy, brown ones that have fallen off of the trees. Whether these are falling from the trees as a result of nature or as a result of the Big Arborist, I don't really care. The fact is, this has got to stop!

What can we do to stop these leaves from falling off the trees? Or, better yet, what can we do to stop them from growing there in the first place?

Grumpy New Year!

Patricia Fowl

Editor's Comments:

Miss Fish is right that fallen leaves are a huge problem in Alameda. Huge fallen leaves, in fact, are an even huger problem. Fortunately, Alameda Daily Noose columnist and Green guru Janet Marchant has already figured out the solution to that problem. As the Alameda Daily Noose and I recall, it had something to do with chainsaws. All we need now is for Right-Thinking Alamedans to complain loudly enough to force someone else to make that solution a reality.

Reader Loves Us, Hates It When People Say "Happy New Year" and "Happy Holidays"

Roger,

I was glad to see the first noose item of the new year be "Grumpy New Year!" Let me tell you, I am so tired of people saying things like "Happy Holidays" and "Happy New Year" constantly over the last month. I'm afraid to go outside today, especially, for fear that the number of cheerful greetings will cause me to lose balance and topple over and throw out my hip again.

I would like to propose that all right-thinking Alamedans adopt a new expression as a retort to this annoying cheerfulness. It's not a word that many people know, but I ran across it in some old Great War correspondence I had found in my attic. The word is "Humbug." It's a simple retort, but even if the recipient of this verbal hand-grenade has never heard it before, the mere sound of it gets the meaning across, I do believe!

My hope is that if enough of us start using this word, it will come back into fashion, and more and more come to know its meaning. Over the long run, I hope I am not overoptimistic in predicting that enough of these "cheerful" people hear it, they too will become grumpy, and from there, perhaps even turn their ways into being a true right-thinking Alamedan. Naturally, the additional result will be the hearty defeat of Measure Bagpipe.

Let's do what we can to turn these cheerful do-gooders into proper grumps. Ladies and Gentlemen, Humbug!

Vincent FitzSimmons

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I just love to make predictions for the new year. We are so good at making predictions that we don't bother reviewing our previous predictions for accuracy, for that would take up valuable time we could otherwise spend gloating and saying, "I told you so."

The aughts have been a fine decade for outrage and indignation, righteous and otherwise; however, next year alone promises to make the last decade look like a garden party by comparison. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are talking about the special election on February 2, 2010, better known as The Single Most Important Event in Human History.

Despite the fact that everyone in the world will be voting "no" on Measure B (as in Bagpipes) in February, it's worth pointing out that a "yes" on B would mean the end of Alameda and Greater Alameda (sometimes referred to as "the world") as we know it. Under the utopian guise of so-called Tartan-Oriented Development, the Evil Developer would first construct massive peat bogs and, like the vile Robert the Bruce of Scotland, use them to defeat his enemies, the Right-Thinking Alamedans. Like Pharaoh, he would order the building of great pyramids out on the old Navy base, enslaving an army of Alamedans to accomplish the task. Then, like Alexander the Great, he would weep, for there would be no more Alamedas for him to conquer. Finally, in an apocalyptic, apoplectic climax, all of Alameda Point would sink into the sea, like the doomed city of Atlantis, dragging the rest of Alameda down with it. Life as we know it would cease, and an eternal pall of darkness would fall over Greater Alameda.

In other words, Measure B is Bad. NO on B.

No.

Bad!