Green Living by Janet Marchant: Removing Dangerous Toxic Chemicals From Your Home

Who doesn't want to live in a safer, greener home? It turns out that many Alameda households still contain a hidden danger: fluorescent light bulbs. Mercury, Argon, Krypton (not Kryptonite!), Cadmium, Hydrogen, and Sodium are all toxic chemicals that comprise this deadly time-bomb. And the so-called "compact" fluorescent bulbs (who has ever seen one that is actually small?) are the worst offenders.

Fortunately, it's easy to "Go Green" by trading in your fluorescent bulbs for high-tech "Incandescent" bulbs. In fact, this week at Paganos, they are selling 8-packs of these new miracle bulbs for only $17.99. Replace all of your fluorescent bulbs — throw them in the trash, before they poison your house — and replace them with these incandescent wonders.

Kermit The Frog famously said "It's Not Easy Being Green" but when you see how easy it is to reduce toxics in your house, you'll see it really is!

Editor's Comments:

By now, Janet Marchant must have given Alamedans all the advice we could possibly need to improve our environment. However, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are sure she will notify us right away if she has any more brilliant ideas about how to save money (or "green," as she calls it) and our precious quality of life on the Treasured Isle of Alameda.

Choosing the Right Treats For a Corny Holiday

Editor,

With Halloween right around the corner, many parents may be concerned about the possibility of dangerous substances lurking in trick-or-treat candy, and rightly so! Did you know that many of children's favorite treats contain sugar? That's right. An innocent-looking candy bar can contain huge quantities of calories, putting a child at risk of obesity, and may also increase chances of cavities in youngsters.

Does this mean that you should keep your children home, and not hand out any treats on Halloween? No! You'll be glad to know that there is a safe alternative to cane sugar. It's called High Fructose Corn Syrup. This miracle food additive is just as sweet as cane sugar, but cane sugar is produced in factories through a complex industrial refining process, whereas Corn Syrup comes from a green, living plant. That means you can feel good about letting children have all they want of any candy whose first or even second ingredient is Corn Syrup.

Don't worry if your kids get too full of candy to eat any other kind of food. They'll be doing their best possible duty as consumers. In fact, while you're at it try to serve your family more foods containing corn starch, xanthan gum, polydextrose, and any of the many other fine ingredients derived from corn. Seriously, people need to each more corn products. Our entire economy is based on it! It's great stuff, really. You can even use it as a building material.


Please help us use up corn so that we can keep our federal subsidies flowing, and continue to bring you ever more creative and innovative corn products to enhance your rapidly shortening lives. Hurry! There's not much time left!

Oh yes, as I was saying, keep kids safe this Halloween by choosing treats made with High Fructose Corn Syrup. Together, we can make it a truly corny holiday.

Mona Culture,
President, Creative Opportunities Research Network Corn Optimization Board

Reader Floats Theory on Rising Traffic

Editor,

I looked out my window yesterday to make sure no-one was parking in front of my house, and what did I see but a Zeppelin off in the distance! I called the authorities, and found out that it came here all the way from Germany. I told you this would happen! That darned theater is attracting Zeppelins from all over the world. The skies will be thick with them.

Back in the 1930's, when the Alameda Theater first opened, the economy was in the dumps, and the Zeppelin traffic was horrible. Now that the theater is open again, it's dragging us all back down that same path. What curse from the 30's is next: all those young whipper-snappers doing the jitterbug in the automat, disturbing us Right-Thinking Alamedans as we try to enjoy our 5¢ pieces of pie?

I hope the City Council is happy that their approval of the theater renovation, and the accompanying garage with its Zeppelin mooring masts, has caused a national economic crisis and local Zeppelin traffic problems. And it's only going to get worse.

Lon Geddoff

City's Tree Plan at Root of Business Loss

Rog,

I knew it! The City's devious, unpopular, tacky "Master Tree Plan" has caused a disaster larger than any I've witnessed for weeks.

Mind you, Right-Thinking Alamedans were already suffering on a daily basis from this stupid policy of planting trees next to streets. I mean, how am I supposed to drive around corners when even getting so much as one wheel up on the sidewalk puts me in danger of clipping one of those woody monstrosities? I've found that, unlike soft, squishy pedestrians, those trees can really do some damage to your car.

A few months ago, the City deliberately stuck a tree alongside one of my usual driving routes, and I must have run into the stupid thing every time I've gone that way since. It's like they expect me to stay on the road, which, what with all of those distracting "lane markings" and other gobbledygook, is impossible!

Since everybody drives the way I do, it's obvious that this twisted tree-planting mania gripping our town was the root cause of one of our major car dealerships deciding to throw up its hands in despair, and move to some place whre they have the sense to keep streets far away from trees. I always prefer to buy my cars in places like that anyway, so maybe now I'll give our old dealership, whatever their name was, some business.

Former City Council Candidate

Noose Media Called Upon to Investigate Un-Alamedan Activities

Rog,

Betsy Baker is right about the disturbing rise in un-Alamedan activities lately. I know that Besty mentioned there are certain parts of Alameda that are still strongly pro-Alamedan, but it's not necessarily a matter of geography. For example, on community college campuses, you find people who hate Alameda, and unfortunately some of these people have positions teaching in institutions of higher learning, but you'll find them in all walks of life, all throughout Alameda.

Most Alamedans, Rog, are wild about Alameda, but I'm very concerned that Roy Avery has Anti-Alamedan views. Scottish, Squirrely, and anti-Alamedan: that's a good descriptor for Roy Avery. It's obvious that he has the ear of many of our City leaders, and when Roy gets too close to anyone's ear with those Bagpipes of his, that person is likely to become deaf to all Right-Thinking arguments. The Alamedan Noose media should do a penetrating exposé and take a great look at the views of the people in City Hall and find out: are they pro-Alameda or anti-Alameda? I think people would love to see an exposé like that.

Michaella Brookman

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Reducing Your Natural Gas Usage for Heating

With Old Man Winter around the corner, you are probably wondering how you can cut down on your heating bills. The natural gas bills from PG&E are so confusing (especially since they only deal with gas here in Alameda) but the reality is that we all go way above their "baseline" every month, and if we want to save the planet, we have to do something about it.

Here is my suggestion: Run, don't walk (OK, really Drive, how would you carry this stuff home?) to Paganos, and buy an electric heater, one for each room in your house. (Don't forget the bathrooms.) I especially love those parabolic heaters that blast a ray of heat at you just like a Science Fiction Laser Gun, but any electric heater will do.



Instead of turning on the thermostat when the weather starts to turn, just use the electric heaters. Just go around to every room and turn on each heater. You want all the heaters going at once, to equalize the temperature in your house; otherwise you are just wasting energy.

Next month, when your PG&E bill arrives, check out your savings — I predict you will have saved 70% or more on your gas usage! Mark that occasion as a time to write into the ADN and say "You're Welcome" since we are all thanking you for doing your part to save Planet Alameda.

Real Alameda Can Still Be Found in Parts of Our Treasured Island

Editor,

What is this town coming too? I mean parts of it are still okay, the parts that I call "real Alameda," but there's a lot of un-Alamedan stuff going on, too. There are all of these shoppers in the business districts, going to restaurants, parking in that huge garage without even complaining about it, and somebody recently tore out my favorite trash-strewn weed lot to put in who-knows-what. I'm sure I won't like it, whatever it turns out to be.

There are people out there who don't see our Treasured Island the same way that you and I do. Why, some of them think this town is imperfect enough to pal around with developers!

I'm for closing Alameda's borders right now, so that no more of these un-Alamedans can get in. It's bad enough already, what with people like that Roy Avery spewing vitriol all the time in your Noosepaper and I guess probably everywhere else. I've read about him, I think in some gee-mail that my cousin sent, that someone else sent her, and so I know that Roy Avery is a housing planner. That scares me to death.

Betsy Baker

Editor's Comments:

Miss Baker is mistaken. Roy Avery is a decent person who just happens to disagree with the Alameda Daily Noose and me on energy subsidies, Bagpipe density, Tartan-oriented development, and every other issue that matters. Unlike those despicable housing planners, Mr. Avery actually loves his family, and he is only heck-bent on destroying Alameda.

Reports of Kamikaze Squirrels Should Light a Fire Under Complacent Alamedans

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 (AP)
Flaming squirrel blamed for small Calif. wildfire

10-14) 10:05 PDT Redding, CA (AP) --

With southern California fighting wind-driven flames and spot fires breaking out across northern California, firefighters have fingered at least one arsonist: an unlucky squirrel.

Redding firefighters say the squirrel set off the blaze when it shorted out a power line, caught fire and dropped into dry vegetation.

Battalion Chief Gerry Gray says it took 18 firefighters and six fire engines to fight the fire that started behind a Redding restaurant.

The fire briefly threatened a home before it was contained Monday.

Redding Electric Utility spokesman Pat Keener says about 200 customers might have noticed their electricity flicker when the squirrel shorted out the high-voltage power line. But the incident did not cause a power outage.

Information from: Record Searchlight, http://redding.com

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I got wind of this disturbing escalation in Sciurine activities from not one, but two of our infallible sources. Lest we make our sources' vegetation patches targets for similar kamikaze attacks, we will not reveal their identities. Suffice it to say that one of them has a bit of a sweet tooth, judging from some of his song and album titles, and the other enjoys living in a place that is surrounded by greenery of the kind that is ideal for soccer games and other pleasant, tree-free recreation.

As usual, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were out in front of this story when we warned last year of the likely danger of exploding Squirrels in Alameda. Unfortunately, it seems that Alameda's "decision makers" were not paying attention. With flaming Squirrels now undoubtedly planning to strike within Alameda's borders, this is no time for our City Council to be limiting funds to our fire department. Instead, we should be beefing up our special Squirrel-extinguishing units, regardless of the expense. After all, what price freedom from flaming or, even worse, exploding Squirrels?

Voters Demand Answers…and Questions to Match!

Every election year, the Alameda Daily Noose and I provide a valuable service to our readers by endorsing an eclectic array of candidates, from the most seasoned veterans of battles over Measure Acorn to the freshest, most puzzling young faces on the political scene. We do not make these decisions lightly, although we reserve the right to suddenly switch our endorsements without explanation. Indeed, so swift and silent are we in this process of course correction that many Right-Thinking Noose fans fail to notice that anthing has changed, and assume that our final endorsement is the one and only version that has ever existed.

In order to make our well-considered and influential decisions on this year's races, we require a certain amount of effort from those who are running. If you wish to obtain or keep a political office in the city of Alameda, you will need to provide us with the answers to certain hard-hitting questions. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are a bit short of time, what with it being so close to election day, and our life-sized lawn sculpture tribute to Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin still being far from completion. So, although we will read your responses with our usual thoroughness and keen understanding, we will need you all to provide the actual questions as well. We like to deliver some real zingers in our interviews of candidates, and who could be more qualified to identify your weakest points than yourselves? The Alameda Daily Noose and I have thoughtfully provided this clip-'n'-complete form for your convenience:



Potentially self-incriminating topics that you may wish to ask yourself about include Measure Acorn, Measure Angus, people parking in front of each other's houses, John Knox White, morons, bosons, and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Please structure your questions to yourselves such that in trying to answer them, you will find yourselves backed into a corner, at which point the Alameda Daily Noose and I will be able to point out, triumphantly, that despite your feeble protestations to the contrary, you are really not a strong supporter of Measure Acorn.

Mail your completed questions and answers to the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, or type them into a gee-mail letter to rogergrumbel@gmail.com. Be sure to spell your name correctly, and identify which position you hope to win, and which, if any, you currently occupy. The Alameda Daily Noose will not be responsible for any misidentifications of School Board members or other such trivial errors.

Acorn Controversy Gnaws Away at Alamedan Democracy

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were trying to get one of those dratted video-tapes to play in our VCR last week when something on the T.V. screen caught our eye. It seemed to be some kind of two-person grump-off, but the younger participant wasn't accomplishing much in the way of grimacing, accusing, and eye-rolling. What really got our attention, though, was when the grumpier contestant uttered the word "Acorn," and everything fell into place. This wasn't just any grump-off, we realized, but a debate between Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and what's-his-name, the running mate of brave, Squirrel-fighting Vice Presidential candidate Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I immediately turned off the T.V. and set off on what would prove to be a days-long journalistic adventure. At first, we simply assumed that both Obama and what's-his-name had finally realized the importance of supporting Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn in order to secure the Alameda vote, but a little hard-hitting investigative reporting revealed that there is more to it than that.

It turns out that there is a shady organization known as "Acorn" which has been brazenly taunting legitimate voters by registering Squirrels to vote in the upcoming November election. The Alameda Daily Noose and I, based on our extensive knowledge of Sciurine strategy, have reconstructed a list of fake registrants that would probably be typical of those who see America as so nutty that they pal around with Squirrels. All might seem in order to the untrained eye, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I could spot such obviously phony names at a glance:

Ardilla Bonita
Chip N. Dale
George H. W. Bushy
Scamper McNutt
Bill Davidson
Sy R. Ine
Beth Bourland
Kawai Risu
Dweeby Treehugger
Ima S. Quirrel

Oh, sure, Acorn claims that bogus registrations are caught in the "verification" process, which is undoubtedly carried out by so-called experts, and we all know how much we can rely on them. With such clever tricks afoot, the only safe solution is to throw out all voter registrations that have been made since Measure Acorn was passed.

While some politicians would like to distract us from their shameless cavorting with known Squirrels by going on about ridiculous non-issues like the economy, foreclosures, health care, etc., we need to keep our focus on the twin dangers of tree proliferation and Squirrels. Only voters who recognize those threats should be allowed to vote in this election, because we know they will make the right choice.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Reduce Your Electric Bills by 50%

If you are like me, you are probably spending too much on electricity, and you would like to cut your electric bill. Every little bit helps toward saving the planet. Here is how you do it: Pay only Every Other Month.

Let's say you spend $300/month like me writing a check to AP&T. That's $3,600 per year!

As your new plan, pick a plan of which months you will not pay your electric bill, and stick to it! Let's say you choose the January, March, May, July, September, and November. Total cost is now only $1,800 per year. You've just just cut your electric bill in two!

(Watch for a future column where I will give you some hints on shaving off even more. I will go into detail on hints such as saving up as much of your electrical use as possible for those "off" months, or even shaving off just a bit by choosing your non-paying months to be the 31-day months, resulting in an additional 1% savings.)

If we all started picking up habits like these, we can save the planet — or, at least, Alameda!

"Author" Event Tomorrow Night

Alameda author and suspected Squirrel-Hugger Beka Mackeggie will be giving a reading tomorrow night at the Printer's Ink Incorporated bookstore on Park Street. It should be a very stimulating and educational public event, as long as Right-Thinking Alamedans turn out in sufficient numbers.

The author will have exactly three minutes to present the thesis of her new book, and members of the audience will have unlimited time in which to point out why she is wrong. Naturally, few of those in attendance will have had time to read the entire book, which is a ridiculously bloated 200-odd pages in length.

You needn't look far, however, to find flaws in this book. If you leaf gingerly through the first few pages, taking care not to read entire sentences unless absolutely necessary, you will soon be exclaiming derisively over the fallacies therein, and brilliant counterpoints to her arguments will fly from your lips with scarcely a thought. Or, if all else fails, just call the author a moron.

Walt Piro: Now Is the Time for Bold Inaction!

Editor,

I wish to agree in the most incontrovertible terms with the assessment of Janice Lighter-Merv regarding the abysmal state of so-called planning processes in Alameda. It is absurd to paint a rosy picture of the future when there is, for all practical purposes, as far as I can discern, no future. I read several dozen newspapers every day, while glued to the T.V. news, so believe me when I say that we are all doomed.

These people come to town with what we academics call aerial crustiform manifestations, or what someone who reads only five or six periodical per day might call "pie in the sky." Now is not the time to "plan" for a "future" that, in all likelihood, will never arrive; nay, now is the time for bold inaction!

Walt Piro

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Have Many Marketable Skills

FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR
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Level 16, Tower 5
PETRONAS Twin Towers
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Tel: +60 1436 27161

ATTN: APPLICANT

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Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to be greatly in demand lately. We must have received this job offer from a prominent oil and gas corporation because of our distinguished work in reporting on oil drilling in Alameda. It is tempting to apply for the job, although it might take too much time away from our in-depth investigations. Dont' worry, Right-Thinking Alamedans; the Noose will always come first.

Nooooo!

Roger, I have an Alameda announcement...

Pay heed my friends for it is with sad heart and heavy hand that I write you all today. For today we willingly donate our beloved sunflower plants to the Squirrels of Alameda. We have fought long and hard, but our fury friends have proven to be driven, fearless, and very hungry. Today they are the victors and the ruling backyard mammals of our Park St home. Heres to ya little buddies......

Chris




Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are horrified by this latest Sciurine assault on our unique quality of life. This tragedy would never have occured had the City Council had the foresight to set height limits on flowers. Clearly, any plant which even approaches the size of a tree only encourages the Squirrels, which is why Right-Thinking Alamedans need to stick to Kentucky Bluegrass, and avoid any of that shady "alternative" landscaping.

Their meal may have made the Squirrels stronger, but it has also made Alameda wiser. Never again will our precious sunflower seeds fall into enemy hands.

New Column: Green Living by Janet Marchant

Editor's Note:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are very green, so we have graciously agreed to publish a special guest column on sound environmental practices for Alameda. If the author praises us enough, we may publish more of her columns in the future.

Janet Marchant
Green Living

Reduce your Automobile Carbon Footprint

You are probably paying a lot at the pump for your gas. I think my last fill-up of my H2 finally broke the $100 mark. This is just too much. How can we save the planet if we are spending so much money on gasoline?

Starting next week, I invite you to be part of a new movement. It's called Push Your Car To Work Day.

That's right - next Wednesday, rain or shine, the challenge is to not actually use any gasoline that day. So to get to work, you just push your car.

This might seem difficult, but you have to realize that most of Alameda is pretty flat. And if you need to go out on the freeway, you can take heart knowing that all of our major arteries have shoulder lanes, so you won't have to compete with those green-forsaking drivers for the same road.

Here's an added bonus: Because pushing your car is known to increase cardiovascular activity, you can skip the drive to the Gym after work! Just come directly home and you will have already gotten your exercise for the day. (But this isn't a fitness column; we digress!)

Try participating in Push Your Car To Work Day next Wednesday, and if you are like me and thousands of other Alamedans, you'll get hooked on the idea, and make it a habit - at least once a week.

Crazy, Evil Developers Think That Legs Are a Form of Transportation

Dear Editor,

What are the Evil Developers trying to pull over on us? I heard that they think they are going to make Alameda Point a nice place to ride a bike, but bike riding is for young people, like the ones in this photo I'm enclosing, and everyone knows that there aren't any young people in Alameda. The Developers have also been making noises about some sort of untested transportation technology called "walking," which is never going to work. They are crazy if they think that anyone would ever want to use their "legs" for transportation. They might as well expect us to ride around on elephants.

They claim to be collecting "comments" on their "plan" for Alameda Point, but I heard that they held a public meeting so big that no-one was able to make themselves heard over all of the chair scraping and paper rustling. Not that anyone should make comments anyway, because they'll only twist our words. Apparently some of the idiots attending the meeting didn't realize that, because they got up at the end and started babbling about the "ideas" that came up in their "discussion groups."

And what's all this nonsense about asking people who work for the City to "approve" these plans? As if anyone in the City knew anything! If the Developers plans are so great, how come they need someone else to "approve" them?

This whole idea of making plans is just crazy. I knew someone who had a plan once, and it didn't work! Is that what we want for Alameda?

Janice Lighter-Merv

Adoring Alamedan Forces Alameda Daily Noose and Me to Reveal Our Great Modesty

Rog,

I've been watching the debates, and I have to say I'm just not impressed with either of our Irish presidential candidates or Alaskan vice-presidential candidates. (Why can't we have just REGULAR Americans run for President anymore?)

With that in mind, I have decided to write in YOU, Roger Grumbel, as my vote for President of the United States of America. I encourage all your readers to do the same. Who would make a better President than You? And besides, I'm sure that one of your first acts would be to move the capital of the USA from Washington (where all those "fat cats" live) to Alameda, home of the best Right-Thinking Americans.

Who will you pick for your running mate? I suggest Former City Council Candidate, because of her vast political experience. But I'll leave it up to you.

Roger 2008!

Adoringly,

Trish Maxine Vella

Editor's Comments:

Miss Vela is a great Alamedan. I understand why she wants me to run for President of Alameda and the United States, but I think I can do more work for Alameda as a political outsider. I learned that important lesson during my last campaign for political office.

So, although the Alameda Daily Noose and I hate to disappoint our readers, we will have to stand by our endorsement of Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin and her running mate, what's-his-name. Her rock-solid hunting credentials more than make up for his pathetically soft stance on Squirrels, and we can't wait for Miss Palin to take office and lead Alameda to victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

New, Exciting Shop Opens Up on Park Street

Rog,

I'd pleased to announce the formation of a new business on Park Street that I believe your readers have been awaiting eagerly! It's called "Nancy's Natty Nails" and it is your one-stop shop for the ladies of Alameda to luxuriate and relax while having their nails "done."

I've been asked for years and years, "Mike, why can't we get some sort of Nail Salon here on Park Street?" Well the wait is finally over. I can't tell you how excited I am to finally have a nail salon like this on our beautiful island.

Nancy has just reminded me that crew — all specially imported from Cambodia, world-renowned for their fingernail specialists I'm told — is ready for their first customers. To sweeten the deal, she is offering a complete manicure and a bonus pedicure to the first fifty people (ladies OR gentlemen, she says) to walk through the door, for a low price of only $79.99.

Welcome, Nancy, to the Neighborhood!


-- Michael Moose
Executive Director
Park Street Merchants' Association

Reader Praises Alameda Daily Noose

Editor,

I love the Alameda Noose, but please, pleeease change the yellow
background color as I can only read in 15 sec burst before my eyes
burn and seizure starts!!

Cheers
Chris

Editor's Comments:

We can't blame our Right-Thinking fan for loving the Alameda Daily Noose so much, but she also can't blame us for what is so clearly a serious vision problem, probably with genetic roots. Chris, before this problem gets any worse, potentially preventing you from reading our Award-Winning Noosepaper at all, we suggest that you immediately visit an opthamololola…optomisterist…uh, eye doctor.

And we hardly need to mention that there is nothing wrong with our choice of background color. The Alameda Daily Noose and I never make mistakes; therefore, it is impossible that our color choice was a mistake. Not only does it look great to us, but the color yellow is widely recognized as representing bravery and journalistic integrity, both of which are essential to the work that we do. So best of luck with those new glasses, Chris.

Hatred of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is No Reason to Not Go There

Now, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have not, as some might erroneously claim, gone soft on the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. The whole thing was a terrible idea, and it should never have been built, but of course we're going to go see movies there. Quite a few interesting films are showing this weekend, so stay tuned for our insightful reviews. Or, if you want to take a shot at forming your own opinions, keep in mind that ticket prices are $9.50 for General Admission, and $7.00 for Seniors over age 15, children under age 65, and for everyone attending movies starting before 4:00 p.m. For show times, call the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex.

Scoop! of Utmost Secrecy: Squirrelist Training Camp

Rog,

US Army Rangers Photograph taken during recent incursion into Pakistan

--

Editor's Comments:

The letter above arrived not through our preferred method of delivery (carrier pigeon), but rather through "gee-mail." Although it would appear to the untrained, non-interweb-savvy eye that the author did not sign his missive, the Alameda Daily Noose and I did a little highly technical investigation and we can report with confidence that the message came from none other than Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame. Clearly, he's concerned that his celebrity status might detract from the seriousness of his dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels, which is why we've decided to keep his identity a secret. We're only sorry that we can't wish him good luck on his tour of rural Alameda and, apparently, rural Pakistan. Once he and his band give those Pakistani Squirrels a little taste of honey, so to speak, they won't stand a chance!

Of course, we expect our loyal readers to be discreet, and not go spreading this information around willy-nilly via gee-mail, the interweb, pigeon, or what have you. The above image, in particular, could cause a panic if it were to circulate widely. Such delicate matters are best handled by professional journalists, who can avoid tipping off the Squirrels to the intelligence that has been gathered in conjunction with the Army Rangers' Special Operation "I Can Has Cheezburger," (a confusing yet deliciously secretive code name if we've ever heard one). So please, Right-Thinking Alamedans, if you know any folks who are still ignorant of the Squirrel threat, let them ease into it. Just tell them to put on some of those interweb "goggles" that everyone's talking about and type in "Global War on Squirrels" or "World's Greatest Noosepaper," and they will soon see the light.

Local Business Helps Rejuvenate Our Weary Strigiform Heroes

The Alameda Daily Noose and I know all too well that doting pet owners love to pamper their faithful companions. For example, we are always sure to get our loyal newshound, Scoop, a new fish-wrap themed squeaky toy as soon as he has finished shredding the journalistic practices of the old one.

For those with certain of the more exotic pets, however, it can be hard to find the right resources. Fortunately, Alameda's own luxury owl boarding and day-care center has just what the noble birds need to re-charge their Squirrel-hunting batteries. Now, you'd think that mere Squirrels would be no match for their strigiform foes, but these rodents can display a surprising level of cunning and chutzpah.

At this premium resort, expert (yet refreshingly approachable and not at all elitist) preening specialists are on hand to ensure tip-top flight feather performance, and a complimentary slice of mouse pâté comes with every herbal talon wrap treatment or invigorating deep-tissue wing massage. Visitors may observe the relaxation arboretum and treatment rooms from a polite distance, and leave with renewed confidence in the health of Alameda's strigiform population.

Thanks to a recent building expansion, Alamedans now have even more Hoot Spa. If you've never experienced the Hoot Spa here in Alameda, you are missing out; it's a hoot! And there is plenty of free parking.