Cindy Sherman Exposes Yet Another Case of Indoctrination in our Schools

Editor,

Yesterday I overheard my children singing a song they had learned at school. What began as a seemingly innocent song about a series of Christmas presents took a disturbing turn when "eleven pipers piping" were mentioned not once but twice. I did some quick research on the Google, and my worst fears were realized. Just look at what I found on some interweb page:

The pipers referred to in the song would be the professional bagpipe musicians hired to entertain the guests with their music and provide music for dancing.

Just as I suspected! The mention of "pipers piping" was not some innocent reference to plumbing, but rather a clear case of Bagpipe indoctrination in our schools!

This may be hard for Right-Thinking Alamedans to believe, but the idea that the Tartan Agenda would be forced down our throats was openly discussed by rabid Bagpipe-huggers like Roy Avery over a year ago, in the run-up to the presidential election. Unfortunately, Alameda ignored these warning signs and put that Secret Scotsman Barack Obama in the White House, and now those Tartan-clad, Bagpipe-playing chickens are finally coming home to roost.

This brings me to Measure B. Bagipes are a Bad Deal for Alameda. Vote no on Meausure B!

Cindy Sherman

Reader Connects Dots to Reveal Deadly Triangle

Editor,

I have noticed your publication has been not necessarily obsessed with, but rather focused on Squirrels and Robots of late, with nary a mention of the ever-present threat posed by Bagpipes. Right-thinking Alamedans around the world thank you for your pioneering work on the link between Robots and Squirrels, as well as your earlier reportage on the complex relationship between Squirrels and Bagpipes. However, it appears that you have overlooked the crucial third side of this Sciurine-Scotian-Robotic Triangle of Death: the Bagpipe-Robot connection!



A vacationing friend of mine used his "Eye Phone" to shoot this shocking footage on the streets of another city that, thank God, is not Alameda…yet. It's all too clear that Robot Bagpipers are capable of unleashing sonic mayhem at speeds and volumes no human—or even Scotsman—could produce. Don't let our Evil Robot Mayor's apparent change of heart on the Secret Robot Base issue fool you. Just imagine what havoc her leagues of Robot minions could wreak upon our Treasured Isle if they were retrofitted with these fearsome mechanical Bagpipes!

Drake Census

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Pause to Reflect

Lately, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have been looking over some of our past journalistic masterpieces, and wondering, have we been too grumpy? It's not that we could ever be wrong in our evaluation of the hottest issues in our community, but maybe some of them aren't quite as imminently threatening as we thought at first. For example, Squirrels are annoying, without a doubt, but is there really reason to believe that they have a wide network of covert operations underway in Alameda and were responsible for the fraudulent election of our current President, Secret Scotsman Barack Obama?

And speaking of Scotsmen, maybe a little more Tartan-Oriented Development is exactly what our community needs. Of course, that would lead to increased Bagpipe traffic, but there aren't really that many Bagpipers on our streets now. Other communities are already housing more than their share of Bagpipers, and Alameda could easily absorb some of the excess Pipers. The resulting reduction in acoustic competition among overcrowded Pipers would make the entire Bay Area more livable.

Perhaps we were hasty in labeling the mayor as an Evil Robot. Maybe she's just a mildly malicious Robot. And her minions, such as that John Knox White guy, might actually be well-meaning, intelligent people who love Alameda but just happen to disagree with us.

Ha! April Fool! We hope we didn't scare you too much. The Alameda Daily Noose and I realize that not everyone has such a good sense of humor as we do. We'll give you a moment to catch up and understand the tremendous prank we just pulled on you. Are you feeling better now? Don't worry, we know full well that Alameda wouldn't be Alameda without plenty of snap judgments and general grumpiness. Our journalistic integrity demands that we continue to bring you scoops of hard-hitting grump, and stand behind our noble persecution of Wrong-Thinking "Alamedans."

Nightmare Becomes Reality: Squirrel-Hugging Secret Scotsman Becomes Our 44th President

Yesterday was a sad day in the Global War on Squirrels. Due to covert interference of the Bushy-Tailed kind in last November's election, the Great Island Nation of Alameda has now lost a golden opportunity to rout the Sciurine menace once and for all. Instead, we have a new president who is even more Soft on Squirrels than the last. The Alameda Daily Noose and I couldn't be bothered to watch the sham of an inauguration that ushered in this new era of Sciurine appeasement. Alameda should have learned its lesson when that sniveling Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to the Squirrels in 1938.

We assume that today's inauguration ceremony ended with a procession of Bagpipes, since there is no longer any need for Secret Scotsman Barack Obama to hide his true identity. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had so hoped for a last-minute miracle, perhaps in the form of staunch Squirrel opponent Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin delivering a devastating flying karate kick to the lead Bagpipe, rendering the whole band harmless, and inspiring the grateful crowd to sweep her into the Oval Office on a wave of ecstatic anti-Squirrel and anti-Tartan sentiment.

Unfortunately, as of press time, we have heard no rumors of such activities at the inauguration, and so must assume that we now have a Squirrel-hugger as our president. We can only hope that he will soon stop prattling on about what he is for, so that he can get down to the serious business of telling us what he is against.

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't love making predictions nearly as much as we love rubbing people's faces in them when they come true, which they invariably do. With that in mind, here is our official, exclusive list of predictions for 2009:

1. Someone will make a plan to build something or accomplish some task, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will condemn it in no uncertain terms, and then, not everything will go according to said plan, thereby proving to all Right-Thinking Alamedans that so-called planning is nothing but a huge waste of time.
2. A steady increase in the comings and goings of airships will create a sort of Zeppelin traffic Looney Tunes, or perhaps even a Zeppelin traffic Merrie Melodies, in the general vicinity of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.
3. Our new president, Barack Obama, will be tested early in his first term. As a Secret Scotsman who is also certifiably Soft on Squirrels, he will cave in to clandestine pressure and fail to allow U.N. inspectors to verify that Scotland's Bagpipe program is, in fact, being used for "peaceful musical purposes," as the devious Scots claim.
4. Blitz Donnerwetter's weather predictions will be proved more or less correct an astonishingly high 50% of the time.
5. Our loyal newshound, Scoop, will finally catch one of those pesky Squirrels that taunt him so. Either that, or he will finally catch one of those pesky young skateboard punks who pass dangerously close to our lawn every single school day.
6. A publication considered an arbiter of style and good taste will declare that lists of exactly ten items are most definitely "out" for 2009, and that six is "the new ten."

Well, there you have it. Please write these predictions down for future reference, and start thinking about whether you prefer the taste of crow or the taste of your own hat!

Nightmare of Compulsory Bagpipe Instruction to Begin When Secret Scotsman Obama Takes Office

Editor,

Now, I'm no fan of heightened Squirrel activity myself, having had some problems with them in the past that I'd rather not mention here, but I think you are placing too much emphasis on whatever gains they may have made in the recent election. It's much more important to celebrate the great gains that Alameda is sure to enjoy as soon as Barack Obama begins working on government programs to promote tartan infrastructure and bagpipe instruction.

I look forward to our new president steam-rolling right over those hysterical obstructionists who complain that bagpipes are too "loud" and should be strictly limited or even eliminated, and who say similar things about kilts and other fine tartan resources. Soon, bagpipe lessons will be not only available but compulsory for all primary school children large enough to heft the instrument. Ah, what a glorious day it will be when our Fourth of July parade is filled with little pipe and drum corps from all the schools!

And there will be no more "plaid washing" of new developments or redevelopment zones, either. From now on, it will be genuine, sustainable Tartan-Oriented Development all the way.

I'm proud to say that some of my bagpipe-playing friends and I were not only vocal but instrumental in the election of our new leader. We stood the requisite 100 feet from various polling places rendering My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean while Danny MacSteele sang her own lyrics to it, with a rousing chorus of "Bring Barack, bring Barack, oh bring Barack Obama to me." I believe the lass is heartened by Obama's keen interest in reading history and literature. She certainly belted out the tune with gusto, so I'm sure our efforts carried well beyond the 100 foot mark. We noticed that it seemed to encourage people on their way to the polls, as nearly all of them accelerated their pace as they passed us.

It's a time for all to be glad now, so let's not tarnish that mood with minor worries about Squirrels.

Roy Avery

Editor's Comments:

In reporting on the election, the Alameda Daily Noose and I connected the dots to form a "Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman." Unfortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose, I, and other opponents of this absurd candidate were ignored and The Children™ now stand in peril of having Bagpipe instruction rammed down their young, innocent throats. This sickening development makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me even prouder that we did not sully our good names by voting in this sham of a so-called election.

Sham! Fraud! Squirrels Steal Election!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are deeply saddened to report that our wildest paranoid fantasies have come to pass. No, we're not talking about Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," which is safe…for now. We're talking about the unprecedented victory of Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and his dangerously inexperienced running mate Joe the Biden, who has never once been described as likely to kill, much less eat, a Squirrel.

The only possible explanation for Mr. Obama's landslide victory is the widespread Squirrel-related voting irregularities that the Alameda Daily Noose and I warned of just yesterday. So great was the level of deception that these irregularities have thus far escaped the notice of even the most eagle-eyed of Right-Thinking Alamedans, though we expect reports to begin trickling in as people think back on what they might have seen and begin to connect the dots.

Unfortunately, we may never truly get to the bottom of this dastardly caper, since the Squirrels and their allies succeeded in passing Measure Q, which eliminates Alameda's Police Secret Fund by repealing Sec. 17-11 of the City Charter. This fund would have paid for "investigation and police work of a secret character," such as determining the extent of Sciurine attempts to steal an election. How foolish of those dullards on our City Council to hand the keys to Our Fair City directly to the Squirrels by putting Measure Q on the ballot in the first place!

Of course, Barack "Angus" Obama's victory completely validates the Alameda Daily Noose's and my decision not to bother voting in this fraudulent sham of an election. Imagine how silly we would have felt if we had spent our precious time casting our ballots, only to have the election stolen by Squirrels! We certainly showed them we're nobody's fools.

Acorn Controversy Gnaws Away at Alamedan Democracy

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were trying to get one of those dratted video-tapes to play in our VCR last week when something on the T.V. screen caught our eye. It seemed to be some kind of two-person grump-off, but the younger participant wasn't accomplishing much in the way of grimacing, accusing, and eye-rolling. What really got our attention, though, was when the grumpier contestant uttered the word "Acorn," and everything fell into place. This wasn't just any grump-off, we realized, but a debate between Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and what's-his-name, the running mate of brave, Squirrel-fighting Vice Presidential candidate Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I immediately turned off the T.V. and set off on what would prove to be a days-long journalistic adventure. At first, we simply assumed that both Obama and what's-his-name had finally realized the importance of supporting Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn in order to secure the Alameda vote, but a little hard-hitting investigative reporting revealed that there is more to it than that.

It turns out that there is a shady organization known as "Acorn" which has been brazenly taunting legitimate voters by registering Squirrels to vote in the upcoming November election. The Alameda Daily Noose and I, based on our extensive knowledge of Sciurine strategy, have reconstructed a list of fake registrants that would probably be typical of those who see America as so nutty that they pal around with Squirrels. All might seem in order to the untrained eye, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I could spot such obviously phony names at a glance:

Ardilla Bonita
Chip N. Dale
George H. W. Bushy
Scamper McNutt
Bill Davidson
Sy R. Ine
Beth Bourland
Kawai Risu
Dweeby Treehugger
Ima S. Quirrel

Oh, sure, Acorn claims that bogus registrations are caught in the "verification" process, which is undoubtedly carried out by so-called experts, and we all know how much we can rely on them. With such clever tricks afoot, the only safe solution is to throw out all voter registrations that have been made since Measure Acorn was passed.

While some politicians would like to distract us from their shameless cavorting with known Squirrels by going on about ridiculous non-issues like the economy, foreclosures, health care, etc., we need to keep our focus on the twin dangers of tree proliferation and Squirrels. Only voters who recognize those threats should be allowed to vote in this election, because we know they will make the right choice.

Palin Takes Fight to the Squirrels and Their Allies

Until just a few days ago, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had been in despair over the state of the presidential race. First brave anti-Squirrel crusader Mike Huckleberry was forced to drop out, then came disturbing revelations about John McCain's clandestine ties to Squirrels, and finally Barack Obama was exposed as a kilt-clad Secret Scotsman. Well, all of that changed with McCain's shocking announcement that Sarah Palin, the bible-thumping, gun-toting hockey mom featured in that well-researched Alaskan documentary series "Northern Exposure," will be his running mate.

According to some worthless rag called the Chicago Tribune, Miss Palin is not only taking the fight to the Squirrels, but also the Squirrel-hugging liberal media:

Expect Palin to knock squirrels out of trees across Ohio and Pennsylvania, along with other critters, fur and feathered. Unlike other candidates, she'll probably do her own shooting and skinning, and maybe roast them on sticks, with a pinch of salt, demanding reporters eat some, so they can say it tastes like chicken.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I had been holding out hope of writing in Heidi Wilson for president, but with Palin on the ticket we can finally put aside our reservations about John McCain and vote Republican with a clear conscience. We may not agree with McCain on any of the issues, and we may still believe that he is Soft on Squirrels; however, when we think of Miss Palin drawing a bead on a scurrilous Squirrel, nothing else seems to matter. Almost as exciting, Miss Palin's name will actually be on the presidential ballot! And how can any Right-Thinking Alamedan resist the political allure of roasted Squirrel on a stick?

So watch out, Squirrels and shameless Squirrel-loving "news" media! Well might the hairs on your flea-bitten pelts stand on end. Once this election is over, and Sarah Palin and her running mate, what's-his-name, have been swept to victory, your days will indeed be numbered.

Squirrel Agenda Not So Secret Thanks to Mr. Delmonte

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are well aware that if it were not for our ground-breaking investigative reports, Right-Thinking Alamedans would not be sufficiently angry about the Squirrel problem. It is not merely a problem that threatens the security of nearly every nation in the world, but also one that lurks in our very own back yards. Thanks to our persistent yet not-too-frequent coverage of the Squirrel threat in our back yards, we have inspired countless of our loyal readers (nearly ten of them last time we checked) to send in their own tips on the latest movements of Sciurine troops on this most crucial battlefield, the great island nation of Alameda.

Our latest lead comes in the form of a gee-mail message we received from Mr. Delmonte, who has wisely deferred to our superior judgment in the past when it comes to making head or tails of shadowy figures in the world of Squirrels and the threat they pose to Alameda's tree-density-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn":

Hmmmm…

Secret Squirrel for President

Edmundo Delmundo

Yes, my fellow Right-Thinking Alamedans, it has come to this. We already knew that one candidate for the highest office in our land, and perhaps even in Alameda, was a secret Scotsman. Another looks the other way when confronted with blatant Squirrel activity, and now we faced a third, mysterious contender who actually is an admitted Squirrel! Are there no limits to the brazenness of these Fluffy Fascists?

We've said it before, and remind you again, that there is no safe alternative in this fall's election but to write in bold Squirrel-Slayer Mike Huckleberry for President, and the even more culinarily accomplished Heidi Wilson as his Vice President.

Scoop! of Plaid: Is Barack Obama the MacChurian Candidate?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently obtained this shocking candid photograph of Senator Barack Obama, presumably relaxing on the back deck of his Chicago home. We already knew that he was Soft on Squirrels, though not to the same extent as his primary opponent, John McCain, but this latest evidence of un-Alamedan leanings makes us even more suspicious of him. Could Obama be, as suggested in the numerous interweb rumors that we are about to spread, a Secret Scotsman?

Now, some of you Bagpipe-huggers out there are probably muttering to yourselves in that thick, unintelligible accent of yours, "Ach, one wee photo of Obama in a kilt proves naught! Perhaps he was merely visiting the home of some Scottish friends and dressed in their native garb out of courtesy and respect." Sadly for Alameda, this damning photo is no isolated incident.

The connection between Obama and kilts dates all the way back to April 25, when a Scottish propaganda rag called, appropriately enough, The Bagpiper endorsed Barack Obama for President. The ugly association resurfaced on June 20, when an Australian newspaper revealed his connection to the "kilt-clad lawyer, Montgomery Blair Sibley."

Viewed alone, each piece of evidence might appear inconclusive; however, if one connects these three dots, one is confronted with a Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman who is only pretending to have the best interests of Alameda at heart, but who will seek to overturn our beloved Tartan-Limiting Measure Angus, colloquially known as "Measure Angus," as soon as he takes the oath of office, which will undoubtedly be sworn on a book of Robert Burns' favorite haggis recipes instead of the Bible.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have shown you the havoc that Bagpipes, once unleashed, can wreak on an unsuspecting Alameda. Is Barack Obama some kind of MacChurian Candidate, secretly taking orders from his kilt-clad Scottish handlers? Possibly. And that's a risk we can't afford to take. Write in Mike Huckleberry for President and Heidi Wilson for Vice President!