Sciurine Sartorial Menace Imperils Alameda Juveniles

Dear Roger,

Yesterday, I was doing some grocery shopping when I happened to notice an Alamedan teen wearing the following T-shirt:

I fear that this is further evidence that the Squirrel population is co-opting the youth of our island. The Squirrel is obviously "protecting" his stash of delicious nuts against the humans of Alameda who might be inclined to enjoy some tasty peanuts, almonds and macadamias. Once the Squirrels have secured their nuts, what will they try to get their paws on next — the trees, the roads, the very island itself? We must arm ourselves against these creatures (which, as you can see, are only able to guard their treasures with simple sticks) and take back the nuts! Once the local teenage populace sees that adults carry guns and not just sticks, they will finally realize who the "cool" ones truly are.

—Edith M. Rigiro

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Sustainable Sports

Lately, I picked up a newspaper in my aromatherapist's waiting room, and noticed with excitement that there was an entire section devoted to green living! It was even printed on green paper, which is usually a good clue that something is environmentally friendly. At first, I thought the focus of the articles was on fashion, because the title of the section was "Sporting Green," I thought as in "She's sporting a splendid, sustainable, free-trade, hemp chapeau today." However, after reading a few of the articles, I realized that they were all about environmentally conscious athletes.

For example, did you know that pitcher Nick Green brings his own natural, relaxed style to a baseball team called the Red Sox? With all that red and green together on the same diamond, it must be like Christmas for sustainably living sports fans.

And then there's a local team called the Green Bay Packers. I assume they are made up of green-thinking football players from many different cities in the Bay Area, and that they pack their games full of energy-saving plays, organic cotton uniforms, recycled nacho cheese, and all kinds of other wonderful green features.

Best of all, though, is the auto racing team Andretti Green Racing. I can just imagine Marco Andretti beating out all of the competition in a super-efficient hybrid racecar that gets almost 2 miles to the gallon! Car racing has to be one of the best sports on the planet, and now it could be the best sport for the planet. If only we could all drive the way that racecar drivers do, we would spend a lot less time in cars, which is what we're supposed to do to help keep our planet healthy.

So remember that next time you're on the freeway. Every little bit you do to increase your speed and reduce your travel time can add up to a big difference!
Isn't it wonderful how inspiring sustainable sports can be?

Friendly Farm Supplier Loves the Alameda Daily Noose

Dear Author of Alameda Daily Noose

Hello.

This is Howard from feedmill.com, a new real-time search engine dedicated for fast feed discovery. I am writing to invite you to submit a short informative description about the feed you publish at http://alamedadailynoose.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss .

At feedmill, we provide not only feed search but also individual feed pages so that users can conveniently examine more details about a feed before they decide whether or not to subscribe to it.

Description about your feed in your own words will be listed under the section titled "Words from the Author(s)" of your feed page at feedmill, and we believe that it will help your potential subscribers better understand what your feed is mainly about and what kind of feedback you want, possibly increasing the number of subscribers to your feed.

You can send me any content you like to be displayed under "Words from the Author(s)" for your feed by replying to this email, and any kind of additional materials in the form of attachments in the reply email would be welcome as well.

I sincerely thank you for all the great content you publish, which makes the service like ours possible. Your attention would be highly appreciated. Thanks.

Best wishes,

Howard

The Feedmill Team


Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not surprised to once again be the recipients of lavish praise from our readers, but we are a little surprised that this fellow named Howard thinks we are in the animal feed business, and is offering us the use of some kind of engine that speeds up the process of discovering new kinds of feed. Perhaps he was confused by our references to Bay Farm Island, which is actually neither a farm nor an island.

Here at the Noose, the only kind of grain we deal in is the grain of truth. Consequently, the only mill we need is that of our sharp journalistic intellect, which grinds facts and opinions together into a homogenous mixture so rich that most of our readers don't seem to need more than a little bit of it at each sitting.

Nevertheless, we have great admiration for those who labor to turn corn and other vegetable commodities into palatable foodstuffs. We wish Howard much success in his search for new kinds of feed, and in selling whatever kind of feed it is that his company currently churns out.

Right-Thinking Alamedans Should Distrust Slick Advertising

Rog,

Yesterday, I snapped a picture of a secret campaign poster that was obviously put up by those people who are bent on destroying Alameda. This slick, glossy poster advocates forming a so-called public land trust for Alameda Point. Hah! More like a public land distrust. You can never trust people who use so many exclamation points in their writing! Also, you can never tell when an innocent-looking patch of land will sprout new buildings without any warning apart from years of public meetings, workshops, and requests for input via surveys! No doubt that is what they expect to happen on the "open space" they are promoting. They want Alameda Point to be like the Presidio, which means that we would soon be fighting off legions of modern art museums and the horrendous traffic that would result from those museums.

This slick advertising can't be the work of anyone who actually lives in Alameda. Whoever this shadowy group is, they must have deep pockets to be able to plaster the town with big, glossy posters. What chance do honest citizens have against such a well-funded political juggernaut? We at Inaction Alameda call upon all Right-Thinking Alamedans to oppose the efforts of this untrustworthy bunch at every turn.

Dave Williamson

Lazy City Officials and Developers Need to Work Harder at Destroying Alameda Point

Rog,

I normally don't even glance at newspapers, since the only reliable source of information is the Alameda Daily Noose, but I couldn't agree more with the article I accidentally read yesterday about Alameda Point. One of the people interviewed pointed out that we've been waiting twelve whole years for the City to develop that old Naval Air Station. Why can't those lazy bozos get anything done? We Right-Thinking citizens have been doing our part by shooting down every cockamamie idea that the Evil Developers come up with, and believe me, they've all been cockamamie ideas! If we expect to ever hear any good ideas for Alameda Point, we need to devote all of our energy to complaining enough to make all those bad ideas crash and burn.

Janice Lighter-Merv

Alameda Has the Prescription for Health Care Reform

When complex, seemingly intractable issues rear their ugly heads, citizens turn to Alameda for solutions. The issue du jour is health care, and people are finally beginning to realize what we Right-Thinking Alamedans have known all along: A complaint a day keeps the doctor away!

At town hall meetings in cities that are not Alameda, once-timid members of the audience are finally finding the courage to stand up and shout down their elected representatives with a patriotic barrage of complaints and accusations. If it weren't so obvious already, countless studies would undoubtedly show that vigorous complaining strengthens the finger-wagging muscles, burns countless calories, and provides untold cardiovascular benefits.

If every citizen did his patriotic duty by yelling at an elected official for just 20 minutes a day, three days a week, experts would surely agree that the resulting decrease in disease would save enough money to provide health care for all, and still have money left over for another good war or two!

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Plastic Bags!

I'm sure if you are like me, or aspiring to be as green as me, you probably have a closet absolutely stuffed full of plastic bags from Safeway, Walgreens, and so on. Getting thousands of plastic bags every week is just a fact of modern life. You can't avoid them. They literally do grow on trees, after all! (Pictured is a Bag tree over near the Crab Cove Visitor's Center.)


As you can see from the photos below, not only do wild animals love plastic bags, but you can use those same bags to build even more wild animals!




This adorable plastic polar bear won't even maul you if you get too close to her egg-carton cubs. I don't know about you, but that's the kind of wildlife I want in my environment.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 28 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Special Joint Meeting of the Alameda City Council, Alameda Reuse and Redevelopment Authority, and Community Improvement Commission August 3, 2009

Editor's Comments:

It's bad enough that the City Council is colluding with another group in fiendish plans to improve our community, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I are offended that they would try to drag Swedish super-group "ARRA" into this morass. Mamma mia!


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board July 27, 2009
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board August 10, 2009

Editor's Comments:

There is already too much planning going on in Alameda, yet the Planning Board had the nerve to hold not just one, but two meetings in the space of a month. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not even sure where to start with our tut-tut-tutting.


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:


Nothing Worth Complaining About:

High-Rise Developments Menace Alameda

Editor:

Those developers are trying to keep us in the dark about this, but I've spotted some disturbing additions to Alameda recently. They're popping up all over town. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about; it's those darn high-rise mushrooms.

Some of them are four or five times as high as ordinary, Alameda-style mushrooms. They are completely out of scale with Alameda's quiet, residential neighborhoods. Those poor little normal mushrooms in the photo I took are shaded by the monster mushroom next to them. Without any sunlight, our good, old-fashioned, single-story, Alameda mushrooms are all going to die off.

I always said developers are a menace to Alameda. If Right Thinking Alamedans can't be bothered to complain about giant toadstools, everyone's going to have a rude awakening when the giant toads show up. Honestly, what are those developers on, anyway?

Brenda Snook

Alameda Has Beautiful Parks - But, Don't Go Near the Trees!

Sunday was a beautiful day in Alameda's parks, but warning signs were posted which stated:

"Feeding wildlife...can lead to unnatural or aggressive behavior."

As all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, there is a certain type of wildlife that is naturally aggressive. Therefore, feeding Squirrels must make them unnaturally aggressive even for Squirrels!

We can never be sure that radical elements in Alameda have not been strategically feeding the Squirrels, so the only sure way to be safe is to stay far away from any trees. That might require avoiding all parks, apart from the ones that are planted entirely with Kentucky bluegrass.

Despite the warnings, many people did go into the parks on Sunday.

Secret Ingredient Is Secret to Former City Council Candidate's Home Canning Success

Rog,

Every year around this time, I make about 12 dozen jars of various kinds of jams, and while I make them I think about how much I hate that other kind of jam, the Alameda traffic jam. That's what makes my jams so special; the secret ingredient is hate! When my family spreads a little of my jam on their breakfast toast, and then finally work up their courage to take a bite, they get a jolt of the righteous outrage that should jump-start every Right-Thinking Alamedan's morning.

For some reason, I always seem to have extra jam left over from last year when I start the new batch. Just like Alameda traffic, there's always too darn much of it. That's why I'm offering to sell a jar to any of your readers who need a little extra boost for their complaining. Any time they want to drive over and pick some up, they can just give me a call, then throw their five bucks out the car window, and I'll lob some jam back in. I don't accept credit cards, and don't you dare try to park in front of my house.

Former City Council Candidate

Green Living with Janet Marchant: China, the Greenest Place on Earth!

Next time you open a package—any package—look at it carefully and odds are that you will find a label that proudly proclaims MADE IN CHINA. Smile! This means that the "Green Revolution" is working, because nowadays, more and more things are made in China, the Greenest Place on Earth.

It used to be that most products we would buy were made in the good ol' U.S. of A. Now don't get me wrong, I like to wave my flag on the Fourth of July just as much as my neighbors, but let's face it—there is no GREEN in "red, white, and blue." I mean, look at this picture of a typical American factory—one of the last of its kind, thank Heaven—and you will see absolutely nothing green about it.
But China, "The Place Where Things Are Made" as the old slogan goes, knows all about green. Not only can you see it, you can smell it—there's nothing more than I love than to come home from a shopping trip to one of the 99-cents stores on Webster Street (My Favorite is the one at the Former Grand Auto Supply), surround myself with a pile of my new treasures on the living room floor, and take in the fresh Chinese plastic smell that has stayed sealed in the containers until I open them. Yummm!

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't normally pay much attention to these hippie-dippy environmentalist columns, but we think this Marchant lady may be onto something here. We cannot help but notice that more and more of our Chinese friends are reading this soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper and leaving us little love notes. Now our Chinese may be a little rusty, but it's fairly obvious that they are saying we are the king of news, like the journalistic Michael Jackson of China. Though we admire their taste in noosepapers, we can't help but wonder how they hope to become an economic powerhouse with so little variation in their writing.

Vast Majority of Alamedans All That Outraged over an Online-Only Survey by AUSD Board President McMahon on School Funding

Early this morning, we closed the online-only straw poll which asked people exactly how outraged they are over the online-only survey conducted by Alameda Unified School District President Mike McMahon. Here are the results.

A straw poll, by its definition, is un-scientific, and non-binding, which means we can load up the questions with as much bias or slant as we want. However, that didn't stop people from voting "not all that outraged" anyway, so apparently the questions weren't leading enough. Besides, we don't remember those critics speaking out against Mike McMahon's biased, self-serving online-only survey.

But our purpose was to get people talking about how outraged they are at Mike McMahon in particular and the School Board in general, and many people who responded were appropriately outraged. Here are the results across all eleven options:

In addition, six of the nine respondents took the time to explain their outrage in great detail.

1. Why would you be outraged? This is the 21st century...
2. It is making my toes feel like they are on fire!
3. Considering the source of the outrage I am not surprised.
4. While Mike McMahon may be destroying our fair island city in the bay, I couldn't rate him a 10. I reserve that for rapists like SunCal.
5. I can't be bothered to be outraged over this. I have squirrels in my back yard.
6. I just don't see what all the fuss is about.

And here is a graph below that collapses the ten "not not all that outraged" options, including the "N/A" option, into one bar. Of the people that responded, the vast majority of them are not not all that outraged.

Everyone knows that two negatives completely cancel each other out; it's elementary logic. Thus, the vast majority of people are all that outraged over this online-only survey by AUSD Board President McMahon, and we know there are at least six of them out there just itching to be the first ones to sign that recall petition!

Frieda Bellows Proves That Mayor Johnson Doesn't Even Live in Alameda

Editor,

I am incensed that you published a letter from Chris—if that is his—or her—real name—claiming that Beverly Johnson was born in Alameda. I can refute that argument easily. My zip code is 94501, and I live in Alameda. "Mayor" Johnson's zip code is 94502. Therefore, she does not live in Alameda. As the ancient Romans used to say, Q.E.D.: "Quite Easy, Duh!"

Frieda Bellows

Editor's Comments:

Being as full of journalistic integrity as we are, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would never stoop so low as to continuously report on a story with no basis in fact just because it draws readers. As far as we know, Mayor Johnson was born in Alameda, or so she says. We're merely reporting on the fact that questions are being raised by Right-Thinking Alamedans like Miss Bellows. We plan to follow up with a hard-hitting series on ordinary concerned citizens who are spontaneously exercising their First Amendment rights to raise legitimate questions about the supposed consensus view—which is really nothing more than a theory, which is just an elitist intellectual way of saying a guess—that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Keep your eyes glued to your screen as this controversial, sensational, and possibly even salacious story develops!

Pizza King Beckons Right-Thinking Alamedans

Dear Roger:

As General Manager of Pizza King on Clement Avenue, I would like to extend a personal invitation to the readership of the Alameda Daily Noose to come try our newest culinary invention: Squirrel Meat topping on our island-famous, delicious pizzas!

These are sure to please right-thinking Alamedans with the most discerning palettes. Pick a pizza with this new topping by itself for an unadulterated slice of Italian Heaven, or get our Mega Combo Squirrel Pizza and you'll be delighted with how the taste of squirrel mixes with traditional pizza toppings such as olives, mushrooms, and bell peppers! We have a full selection of wines and beers — you haven't experienced a fine Napa Valley Chardonnay until you've had it with our deep-dish Squirrel Surprise!

And be sure to bring the kids — not only will they love the food, but they will find our new squirrel-shooting video arcade games absolutely irresistible!

We're pleased that we have finally found a good use for the squirrels that Alamedans have been working so hard to eradicate. In order to let the community "pitch in", we have a drive-through squirrel carcass bin on the right side of the building, available 24 hours. So if you are cleaning out your back yard or sweeping up the street in front of your house, we encourage you to swing on by and drop off the bodies in our bin. (To make sure our food is the freshest, please no more than a week old.) And if you bring them before 11 AM, you could be eating dinner that you yourself caught!

Kind Regards,

Nigel Crossbone
General Manager, Pizza King
1301 Clement Ave.
Alameda, CA 94501

Innocent-Looking Flowers Threaten Alameda

Editor,

I used to think that flowers were merely annoying, until I saw the monstrosity in the enclosed photo. It turns out that those innocent-looking flowers have been plotting behind our backs, and some of them have already gotten as tall as trees! As if it weren't bad enough with all of the high-rise trees we already have in this town, now we have to watch out for the flowers, too. Before you know it, they'll be harboring Squirrels just like the trees. It's time for Right-Thinking Alamedans to nip this scourge in the bud. Rip out all of those threatening flowers in your yard, and replace them with something safe, namely Kentucky bluegrass.

Lon Geddoff

Green Living with Janet Marchant: Wal-Mart comes to Alameda!

I am just so excited by this news, I can hardly type the words into my typewriter. But I just had to write my regular column for the Alameda Daily Noose to inform my fellow right-thinking, GREEN-thinking Alamedans about the best news to hit Alameda since, well, since Global Warming caused the whole "green" movement to get the boost into the limelight!

Yes, I'm talking about my favorite store, Wal-Mart! I always knew this was a green business but it turns out that due to the high Green- ness of Alameda, they have just opened up a new flagship store here on the island, occupying the entirety of the recently-discovered military base known as "United States Naval Air Station Alameda." Although I'm sure I'll use WalMart.com for my pajama-shopping needs (shopping IN my pajamas, not shopping FOR pajamas), it will be nice to have a Wal-Mart that we can reach without going to a foreign city.

This 1560-acre shopping complex calls itself "Greenest Shopping in America" and I can hardly wait to find out why! I haven't been there yet — We're piling into the Hybrid Hummer® as soon as I submit this article — so I can't tell you the specifics. But since I trust Wal- Mart, like I know you do too, I know that this store will be a greenie's dream, and a welcome addition to Alameda. Why don't you come on down and check it out too. Maybe I'll run into you there!

Express Your Outrage over an Online-Only Survey by AUSD Board President McMahon on School Funding

Rog,

It has come to our attention that AUSD Board President McMahon has been conducting an online-only survey, thus disenfranchising all those Right-Thinking Alamedans who do not have access to a computer, or who do, but think it is tool of the Devil.

To right this great wrong, Inaction Alameda is conducting an informal, online straw poll to gauge how outraged people are over this online-only survey by AUSD Board President McMahon. We ask that your readers rate their outrage on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the appropriate level of outrage for this situation.

Double-click on this interweb dingus to take the survey and express your outrage appropriately.

We will follow up with the results of our straw poll, just as soon as our flying monkeys have tabulated them.

Dave Williamson

New Sign Prevents People from Parking in Front of Jim Richardson's House

Dear Roger:

I would like you to tell your readership about a new sign that I have convinced the City of Alameda to install in front of my house. All I had to do was to tell the Department of Public Works that I am a taxpayer, and I vote. I learned that trick from your noosepaper!

This sign should do away with all my ne'er-do-well neighbors who continually insist on parking their cars in front of MY house! They think the street in front of my house is public property—well, it's not! I paid for this house in 1947 and that includes the land all around it! Of course, I park all three of my cars in my driveway (it's a beauty—it widens into a triple-wide space in my back yard) but I reserve the right to park in front of my house on the street if I should feel like it one day.

Now that this sign is in front of my house, I will be calling 911 just as soon as I see anybody dare to even slow down in its vicinity! That will teach them a lesson!

I encourage all Right-Thinking Alamedans to call the Department of Public Works and get one of these installed in front of your own house!

Respectfully,

Jim Richardson

New Book about Measure Acorn

Following is an exclusive, hard-hitting press release from Angry Minds, Inc., the world-renowned publisher of do-it-yourself books for people with self-esteem issues:

Hop on down to your local Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, Borders, or Waldenbooks store! The long-awaited Measure Acorn for Dummies book is finally available.

This is a book that every Right-Thinking Alamedan should have. This is a full guide to everything about Measure Acorn, including:

• How Squirrels are undermining our liberties
• Homemade poisons for Squirrels
• How to chase Squirrels out of your back yard and into your neighbors'
• Fun activities to do with Squirrel carrion
• Spotting double-agent Squirrels
• Creative capturing techniques

Some Hamburger Guy Thinks He Knows More about the Alameda Daily Noose Than the Alameda Daily Noose and I

Dear Mr. Grumbel and the Alameda Daily Noose:

I am glad to see that you published our letter of congratulations and that you have placed our WebBadge™ heralding your "McDonalds® Website of the Month™" upon the sidebar of your illustrious noosepaper.

However, I am a bit confused. Just below that in the sidebar, and also as mentioned in the Editor's Note for the July 29 Edition, it says "soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper." Well, my esteemed friend, "soon" has happened!

I respectfully request that you no longer refer to the Alameda Daily Noose as "soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper." If I might make a suggestion, you could refer to it is a "McDonalds® Website of the Month award-winning daily noosepaper" instead.

Admiringly,

Roland Singh
Regional Manager
McDonalds Corporation

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are sorry, but this is August, not July. We did enjoy the congratulatory photo and we were mildly amused by the little Interweb Dingus you let us use last month, but we are still waiting for the exciting award package you promised to us to arrive. Ever since that British merchant based in Dubai offered to fund our orphanage, not to mention the time we won the British Lottery, nor those cryptic messages from our Brazilian fans, nor the offers from marriage-minded Russian ladies, nor the equally tempting offer for that oil-drilling job Malaysia, nor the alluring jewelry-maker who wanted our number, nor the Burkina Faso co-ed who offered us $1.4 million for advice on her education, and to say nothing of Miss Vickie from Brazil and her riddle about a-lyin' in our bed, we are beginning to get just a tiny bit suspicious of those who transact their business on the intertubes; after all, this is not the first time we have been promised an award that has yet to arrive.