Squirrel Agenda Not So Secret Thanks to Mr. Delmonte

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are well aware that if it were not for our ground-breaking investigative reports, Right-Thinking Alamedans would not be sufficiently angry about the Squirrel problem. It is not merely a problem that threatens the security of nearly every nation in the world, but also one that lurks in our very own back yards. Thanks to our persistent yet not-too-frequent coverage of the Squirrel threat in our back yards, we have inspired countless of our loyal readers (nearly ten of them last time we checked) to send in their own tips on the latest movements of Sciurine troops on this most crucial battlefield, the great island nation of Alameda.

Our latest lead comes in the form of a gee-mail message we received from Mr. Delmonte, who has wisely deferred to our superior judgment in the past when it comes to making head or tails of shadowy figures in the world of Squirrels and the threat they pose to Alameda's tree-density-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn":

Hmmmm…

Secret Squirrel for President

Edmundo Delmundo

Yes, my fellow Right-Thinking Alamedans, it has come to this. We already knew that one candidate for the highest office in our land, and perhaps even in Alameda, was a secret Scotsman. Another looks the other way when confronted with blatant Squirrel activity, and now we faced a third, mysterious contender who actually is an admitted Squirrel! Are there no limits to the brazenness of these Fluffy Fascists?

We've said it before, and remind you again, that there is no safe alternative in this fall's election but to write in bold Squirrel-Slayer Mike Huckleberry for President, and the even more culinarily accomplished Heidi Wilson as his Vice President.

Happy Feet? More Like Outraged Feet for Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland

Roger,

Walking to Park Street yesterday, I noticed that Happy Feet, a children's shoe store was opening soon. Isn't it interesting that right after Measure H passes, a children's shoe store opens on Park Street? This is proof of what I said during the campaign, that Measure H was going to drive out all mom and pop businesses and replace them with child-related enterprises. Do you know who has children? Don Perata. In fact his daughter lives here. As a child- haver, Senator Perata was clearly behind measure H with the direct intent of supporting them through the creation of an all-children's business district. I can only imagine what nefarious awfulness he has planned for us next. Can nobody stop him?

As always, outraged,

Donald Kirkland

Coho Jerkins Spouts Off about Hydrants

Editor,

I had a few spare minutes, so I thought I'd spout off about something I heard only in passing. Someone mentioned a local paper, I think it was the Alameda Puppy Trainer, had something about a damaged fire hydrant carried on their front page. What nonsense. I just want to say that I know nothing about garbage collection or hydrant engineering, and didn't even read the referenced article, but I was outraged. Alas for the waste of water, time, energy and digital camera space, the humanity considering how many people could have drank that water.

But, I'd like to say something about it that reveals my lack of knowledge on the subject, jump to conclusions and fire off an email to you without a second thought. I'm having a hard time coming up with the right words, but let me try these: That darn garbage truck should have turned right! Or better yet, the fire department should have moved the hydrant out of the way in the first place. Why didn't AFD know ahead of time that the hydrant would be in the way? Why do they always put those stupid hydrants right next to the road where unsuspecting garbage trucks that should have turned right can hit them easily! I say enough of this crying over spilled milk and move the darn hydrants away from drivers who aren't paying attention!

Yours in senseless rage,
Coho Jerkins

Disturbing Pattern Emerges from Alameda Puppy Trainer Back Issues

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I explained yesterday, we recently had the opportunity to peruse a whole stack of back issues of the Alameda Puppy Trainer, and we discovered that Squirrels were behind the recent school parcen tax. Now, this is not the first time that Squirrels have reared their ugly tails on the pages of the Puppy Trainer, as we diligently pointed out back in June. However, as we continued to pore through the stack of back issues, a much more disturbing pattern emerged. Just look at these shocking exerpts:

"Stellar’s Jays have also been known to mimic Red-Tailed Hawks, SQUIRRELS, pets and chickens."—Friday, 21 July 2006

"Many will discuss new books, so you can beef up your library and SQUIRREL away extra signed copies for gifts."—Friday, 02 February 2007

"If the dog is chasing a SQUIRREL and isn't highly trained, calling 'Come!' just weakens the training."— Friday, 16 February 2007

"Yes, we have all that open space, but what’s wrong with that? All those undisturbed hikers, gophers, ground SQUIRRELS, garter snakes and least terns?"—Friday, 15 June 2007

"Finally, Green suggests (perhaps with tongue in cheek) that we leave Alameda Point to 'hikers, gophers, ground SQUIRRELS, garter snakes and least terns.'"—Friday, 22 June 2007

"Take a walk through the bird refuge sometime, and you'll see snowy egrets, ducks and geese, lizards and snakes, and all manner of ground SQUIRRELS and other critters."—Friday, 24 August 2007

"I hear the birds, see a hummingbird in the salvia, watch a SQUIRREL steal blackberries."—Thursday, 13 September 2007

"Hang it by fishing line where the SQUIRRELS can't reach it, but where your child can see the birds come to visit."—Friday, 11 May 2007

"I wasn't sure if it was the earthquake that had shaken the branch loose, or maybe some dry rot, the bouncing of exuberant SQUIRRELS, the excessive weight of pigeons who like to roost there, or perhaps the release of the new Harry Potter book."—Friday, 27 July 2007

"I left some over-done yellow crookneck squashes on the garden bench as a kind of Indian summer still life, when the SQUIRRELS said "Ha!" and pretty much demolished the whole pile."—Friday, 21 September 2007

"SQUIRRELS are sometimes seen as pests, but children love them. Crab Cove is an easy and sure way to see ground SQUIRRELS right now. These are different SQUIRRELS than those bushy-tailed teases that live in the trees. Ground SQUIRRELS look different than tree SQUIRRELS with their tan and black markings and shorter, stringier tails.… Let loose in Crab Cove where kids can head straight for the rocks and see the scurrying flash of the ground SQUIRRELS.… The SQUIRRELS are collecting food in their pouches to bring back to their dens for the rainy season.… Perhaps your children notice the SQUIRRELS, but don't take an interest."—Friday, 28 September 2007

"Mostly I'm just busy, and this has been a busy week or two, what with Halloween and changing jobs and carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns and then having the SQUIRRELS come on the porch to gnaw on the Jack.… The squirrels…had fun chewing on Jack's head and pulling even more pumpkin guts out and then cracking the seeds all over the front porch. "—Friday, 09 November 2007

"I always like to put out a basket of pinecones, although this year the SQUIRRELS are having their way with my newest batch."—Friday, 21 December 2007

"Sure, birds and SQUIRRELS need to eat sweet stuff — but enough already."—Friday, 14 March 2008

"And if you SQUIRREL away a penny a day, you should have enough for a pair of brand new sneakers when the project opens to the public in an estimated 10 years."—Monday, 02 June 2008

"The amount was recently increased to three feet. Humphreys said he and others might have helped convince the Navy to add plastic sheeting below the contaminated soil to prevent burrowing animals like SQUIRRELS from reaching the waste."—Friday, 22 August 2008

Once you connect the dots, it's obvious what's going on: the so-called journalists who perpetrate the Alameda Puppy Trainer must feel it's their duty to make things as Squirrelly as possible in Alameda. So don't say the Alameda Daily Noose and I didn't warn you. BEWARE!

Who's Really behind the School Parcel Tax? The Answer May Surprise You!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't like taxes any more than we like cats, and the latest school parcel tax is no exception. We first smelled a rat when alert reader Jamie Neatly informed us that the tax passed with approximately zero percent of the vote. Now it turns out that it wasn't a rat at all, or even a hamster, but rather that most feared of all rodents: a Squirrel!

We were helping our neighbors, Mildred Bolus and her husband, what's-his-name, clean out their basement this weekend when the Alameda Daily Noose and I found a whole stack of back-issues of that sorry excuse for a newspaper, the Alameda Puppy Trainer. While the Mildred and what's-his-name continued to toil away in the dank basement, the Alameda Daily Noose and I lugged the stack out into the sun and, for a much-deserved break, sat down to scan each issue for particularly amusing errors.

Right on top of the pile, in a story about a lawsuit to overturn the latest parcel tax, I found the following shocking quotation from Mr. Brilliant, the world's smartest lawyer:

Meanwhile, even Brillant admitted that some lawsuit backers might be getting cold feet. "If I'm going to [file a suit], it's going to be Monday, but things are getting rather SQUIRRELLY," he said.

Many Right-Thinking Alamedans showed their support for the school parcel tax by questioning the motives of the shadowy figures who, shrouded in undemocratic cloak-and-dagger secrecy, wrote up the devious language of the ballot measure. These brave Alamedans can now take great satisfaction in the fact that their worst fears were, in fact, realized: The most brilliant attorney on earth has confirmed that the authors of the parcel tax were none other than the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists themselves!

ADN (Alameda Daily Noose) Thanks Right-Thinking Alamedan For Promoting ADN

Right-Thinking Alamedan Lon Geddoff has a new green horseless carriage, the handsome 1915 Vauxhall Wolseley, which has a great black-on-yellow license plate with an even greater number — Thanks, Lon!

Normally Sensible Mr. Shave Goes off Deep End with Aquatic Transportation Idea

Rog,

I am writing to express my OUTRAGE at your recent suggestion that Alameda adopt Monorail Cats as preferable to Personal Rodent Transit. While Personal Rodent Transit systems have been accused of being entirely too puny, they are entirely scale-able. As ridership increases, Right Thinking Alamedans know full well, that the only P.C.T. is the clear solution. Personal Capybara Transit offers larger, more spacious vehicles that are renowned for their multimodal service. Personal Capybara Transit systems are known for bridging aquatic barriers (see picture below) with ease at low cost. If P.C.T is adopted as the perferred alternative, the overall cost for the system would be far lower as P.C.T can transport passengers to Jack London Square in Oakland without the expense of an elevated monorail crossing or any form of tunnel. Field tests conducted by the U.S. Department of Transportation proved that Monorail Cats cannot be made to cross a body of water, something, even the most ignorant member of InAction Alameda knows full well.



In any case, a modern, fully automated PCT system could include a dining car akin to those found on Caltrain where right thinking Alamedans can gather to quaff a fine beverage of their choice as shown below:


Sincerely,
Mr. Shave
--
If man bites doggie
that is news.
If face
scares doggie
better use
Burma-Shave

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are greatly disappointed to see that the otherwise reasonable Mr. Shave has succumbed to the latest craze for rodent-related transportation solutions. Everyone knows that these "politically correct" kinds of solutions don't do anyone any good whatsoever, other than to stroke the egos of those who would ride rodents to work, and to manufacture P.R. about how "green" they are. If people like Mr. Shave are so all-fired concerned about the so-called environment, why don't they do something to further the cause of unionized labor?

Against All Odds, Right-Thinking Alamedan Bravely Gives Up

Editor:

It is all so hopeless. I am a reasonable person with lots of good ideas for how to keep Alameda wonderful, but no-one ever listens to me. I have tried going to meetings, but people who aren't me end up making the decisions. It is nearly impossible to sit through the endless blather of other people spouting nonsense, and then when I finally get a chance to speak, my time is cruelly limited to three minutes, although I have enough ideas to fill several hours of speaking time. Not that I would bother to share them here, because someone would be sure to disagree with me.

I have thought about writing letters instead, but I have no time for writing of any sort. Besides, I can't take even more of my nonexistent time to inform myself on the many frightening issues that threaten my very way of life, as more people would understand if they would take time to learn something about the decisions that are being made at an alarming rate, every day.

It's all very well for people who don't care about their families, and leave their children outside in the rain while they selfishly immerse themselves in sinister reading and thinking about current events. Those people can devote endless amounts of time and money to destroying Alameda, because they don't care what happens to anyone or anything. They are not involved and invested in the community the way I am. Many of them do not even live here.

There is absolutely no point in any Right-Thinking Alamedan trying to do anything, because the deck is stacked against us, and especially against me. That is because no-one gets involved in this precious community, which is quickly going to the dogs. I can't understand why no-one will do anything about this problem, but I'm certainly not going to waste my time in trying to solve it.

— Hazel Smirch

Does the Evil Developer Want to Earn Profits at Alameda Point? Do Squirrels Love Nuts?

Editor,

Alameda residents may want to attend tonight's ARRA/CIC/City Council meeting, wherein the Evil Developer is asking for an extension to their Exclusive Negotiating Agreement to allow for help from their new financial partner, Shadowy Financiers. After scrutinizing and re-scrutinizing all nine pages of the staff report to City Council for the meeting, Inaction Alameda was able to uncover the following shocking truth: There, buried under all the details of the Evil Developer's financial crutch from Shadowy Financiers, is a shocking little word indicating that the Evil Developer is seeking to earn profits by developing Alameda Point.

Deep within the report, on Page 3, in the middle of an almost impossibly long, rambling sentence, so-called Staff note the plan to adopt a quote-unquote term sheet that contains provisions such as "how PROFITS will be disbursed among the parties based on an established internal rate of return" [emphasis added by Inaction Alameda for dramatic effect]. The numerous members of Inaction Alameda, whose many names it would be economically dangerous to reveal, are shocked…shocked!

Last year, we were all led to believe that the Evil Developer was running a charitable organization whose only goal was to make Alameda the Happiest Place on Earth. Now, thanks to the Harvard-grade academic research perpetrated by Inaction Alameda, the shocking truth has finally been brought to light: The Evil Developer is developing Alameda Point not out of the goodness of its dry, withered heart, but rather to make money. For shame!

Inaction Alameda

And ANOTHER thing!

I saw this creature early yesterday evening at a local establishment.

YMMV

paul

Editor's Comments:

Even though this letter lacked the customary salutation "Dear Editor," the Alameda Daily Noose and I assumed that Mr. Paul intended it for publication. We are glad that he took time out from his presidential campaign to send us shocking this photographic evidence from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Now that he has seen the surrealist havoc that can be wrought by drunken Squirrels, we can only assume that Mr. Paul will move quickly to make combating the Bushy-Tailed Menace the centerpiece of his long-shot bid for the White House.

Mr. Paul, you may be the last hope for Alameda. If you are sincere in your desire to squash the Squirrel threat, your only worthy choice for a Vice Presidential candidate is that stalwart foe of all things sciurine, Miss Heidi Wilson. We urge you to make that choice, sir.

Movies Showing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

The following movies are currently showing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates:

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Star Wars — As the Clone Wars sweep through the galaxy, the new story catches up with Tibby, Carmen, Padmé, and Leia, four young women who find themselves on a mission with far-reaching consequences. Now it will take more than a hurried note…or even a treasured pair of pants passed back and forth among them to keep their lives connected and lead the massive clone army in a valiant effort to resist the forces of the dark side…

The Clone Wars: Fly Me to the Moon in 3-D — More and more systems are falling prey to the forces of the dark side as the Galactic Republic slips further and further under the sway of three tween-aged flies who go along on an incredible space adventure…in 3-D!

Mamma Mia: The Mummy — The story of a bride-to-be trying to unearth her real father, a shape-shifting entity who was cursed by the popular '70s group ABBA decades ago.

Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: Henry Poole Is Here — In the Far East, a trouble-seeking Henry Poole abandons his fiancée and family business to spend what he believes are his remaining days searching for the first Emperor of Qin.

The Dark Knight: Tropic Thunder — Through a series of freak occurrences, a group of actors shooting a big-budget war movie are forced to deal with the chaos unleashed by an anarchist mastermind known only as the Joker, as it drives each of them to their limits.

Swing Vote Pineapple: Express Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D — In a remarkable turn-of-events, the result of the presidential election comes down to one tropical fruit in the hands of a stoner, his dealer, a scientist, his nephew, and their mountain guide, who, on the run from the police, discover a fantastic and dangerous lost world of American democracy in the center of the earth…in 3-D!

Ticket prices are: General Admission $9.50, and $7.00 for over age 59, children age 11 and under, and movies starting before 4:00 p.m., or when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

Comedy Strikes, and Marlene Verloren is Not Laughing

Rog,

I'm not amused that Alamedan Beka Mackeggie has been talking up the benefits of humor in combating oppression. It's not that I'm opposed to humor, I just think it is dangerous. You should never take jokes lightly. There have been far too many of them lately, and they threaten to tear our community apart. Alamedans would do well to think about all of the horrors caused by humor during World War II. Just don't think about it too hard, or it might start to seem absurd, and that could lead to laughter.

Of course, I don't mind when the Alameda Daily Noose makes an occasional small joke, because it is always balanced with plenty of well-researched, completely accurate facts to keep us all sober. But some people just don't know when a joke has gone too far, and those people need to be strictly controlled.

Unsmilingly,
Marlene Verloren

Save Money: Buy a New Car

The Alameda Daily Noose and I spotted the sign in the photo above as we were driving along, shaking our heads over all of the foolish talk lately about Personal Rodent Transit (P.R.T.) and Monorail Cats. We normally reject the notion that we should be expected to sacrifice driving pleasure by choosing a smaller, less-powerful "economy car," but economic realities have been hitting close to home lately. Now, we understand that high gas prices make some people desperate, and give them crazy ideas about getting around by primitive means such as bicycles and cutting edge, automated, on-demand rail, but there is a simpler solution to all of our oil-related problems. Here she is, in all her glory:



Yes, this svelte new H3 is the only cure anyone needs for gas price shock. It gets an incredible 14 miles per gallon while just tooling around town. Why, we might even trade in the Noosemobile for one of these eco-friendly babies! The money we'd save on gas could help us buy a nice 400-watt halogen bulb to replace the wimpy compact fluorescent one that came in our high-end trophy case, which we bought in anticipation of the numerous journalism and interweb design awards that are sure to be pouring in any day now.

And, of course, if we all Right-Thinking Alamedans drove such compact vehicles, our traffic and parking problems would be a thing of the past! We encourage all of our loyal readers to do their part to preserve Alameda's environment by driving down and taking the H3 for a test-drive or two. You won't believe how good it can feel to drive a gas-saving economy car like this one!

Hamsters Are Inappropriate For Alameda Point

Editor,

Regarding Mr. Enthusiast's letter about Personal Rodent Transit (P.R.T.), I have to point out that such a transportation "solution" is completely inappropriate for Alameda Point. I would much rather see a plan for the point built around a much more energy efficient system, such as the much larger Monorail Cats. A Hamster-based system would not support use by the average Alamedan, so I don't even think it would function effectively as a feeder system for the Monorail Cats, as some have proposed. Unlike P.R.T., a Monorail Cat system can be scaled up to carry even more passengers in newly developed larger vehicles. The only way to prevent future traffic problems is to get convenient, self-cleaning Monorail Cats in place at Alameda Point before the first shovelful of earth has been turned in the redevelopment process.

Sincerely,
Cathy Handler

Editor's Note:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I agree that it's ridiculous to expect Alamedans to ride around on Hamsters, but we are no less repulsed by the idea of Monorail Cats. Even apart from the obvious disadvantages of Cats, there is the problem of elevated tracks. The supports for those tracks look too much like trees, and would therefore attract more Squirrels to our already Squirrel-infested island.

I Want to Cuddle You (P.R.T.)

Dear Editor:

I attended Thursday's meeting on the redevelopment of Alameda Point, and I was thrilled to see that the developer is considering an innovative transit solution to address the issue of traffic.

Personal Rodent Transit, more commonly known as "P.R.T.," is being pursued aggressively in Europe and elsewhere as a solution for transit in CITIES. They are starting small (with adorable hamsters) but they are also thinking big (guinea pigs).

I've followed PRT development for three years now and P.R.T. is more efficient than non-rodent transit, more city-friendly than automobiles, and more adorable than any other form of transportation. It is relatively cheap (Habitrail® is a mere $6.31 per 10", compared to $15,782.83 per 10" for light rail) to build and dirt cheap to operate…it runs on a few kernel of corn a day! It is clean and green. Its time has come.

There have been write-ups in C.N.N., HamsterWeek, and various UK newspapers, and multiple photos of the construction have been released, such as the one you see above.

Sincerely Yours,
A Hamster Enthusiast

Editor's Note:

Any Right-Thinking Alamedan would realize that our city already has more than its share of supposedly cute rodents. Other cities expect us to keep adding more trees to our already tree-congested island, with the idea that we will then be able to house more of the Bay Area's out-of-control Squirrel population. This P.R.T. proposal is clearly just a back-door way of clearing the way for even more Squirrels in Alameda. After all, what are hamsters if not midget Squirrels? Whoever came up with this so-called P.R.T. plan for Alameda is undoubtedly in the pocket of Big Arborist.

Former City Council Candidate Miffed at Not Getting Dirty Bribe Money

Editor,

With yet another "election" coming up, I'm sure that Big Arborist will be lining the pockets of all its shills again soon. It's disgusting the way some people will take money from anyone, just to further their own selfish interest in trying to run this city despite our best efforts to stop them from doing anything.

Some people try to make us believe that Big Arborist isn't throwing money around like nobody's business, but it's pretty obvious that they are. Why else haven't they offered to give the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society (A.C.H.E.S.) any money? It's because they already gave all of their dirty bribe money to our "public officials" and wanna-be committee members. Would it have killed them to send some of that moolah our way? A.C.H.E.S. could sure use a big contribution seeing as how our annual Grump-A-Thon is coming up fast. So come on, you lousy tree-huggers! We know you all have plenty of green that could be going for something good instead of just winding up as an ugly pile of dead leaves on our beautiful streets.

Former City Council Candidate

Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 40,000th Eyeball

The Alameda Daily Noose's readership has doubled since Dec. 20th, 2007! We are sure that in that same space of time, none of the other major news media have doubled their circulation.

Our phenomenal success is due to our hard-hitting coverage of issues that are of the highest importance to right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. They know that the Alameda Daily Noose is the only place for accurate, unbiased journalism on those issues, and that our publication gets results. For example, no sooner had we published yesterday's letter on the weather in Alameda than it started to improve. Mr. Friedanfever's letter must have spurred someone on our City Council to take the action that he demanded, although it could be just that the Alameda Daily Noose and I were the sunshine that cleared away the general fog of confusion about our weather before our do-nothing government got around to doing anything.

The only thing that exceeds the fact-revealing and change-reversing prowess of the Alameda Daily Noose and me is, of course, our humble self-effacement. We are pleased to be able to provide a steady supply of both to all 20,000 of our loyal readers and their 40,000 loyal eyeballs. If our readership continues to double every 34 weeks—and we have no reason to believe that it will not—every man, woman, and child in the known world will be reading the Alameda Daily Noose a mere 12 years from today. By that time technology will surely have advanced enough to allow us to seek out new readers in the deepest reaches of space, the final frontier: to boldy grump where no man has grumped before!

City Council Foggy on How to Fix Weather

Editor,

The Alameda City Council can't get anything right! First our summer weather was too hot, and I complained about it, but did they do anything? No!

In fact, things are even worse now. There is too much fog messing up our city's views of the hills and all of that other stuff outside of Alameda, and it's too cold outside. What kind of weather is that for an Alameda summer?

We sit here shivering while our City Council does nothing to make Alameda warmer. Just thinking about it gets my blood pressure up! Boy, it's too bad I'm not writing this letter on a piece of paper that I could use to wipe the sweat off my brow. I hate this stupid high-tech Gee Whiz Mail, and I wouldn't use it if if wasn't so darn handy. But like I was saying, I demand that the City Council act now to provide us with more sunshine before The Children's summer vacations are over.

Steamed about the fog,
Bernie Freudenfeuer

The Squirrels Speak! Is the World Listening?

Dear Roger,

Over the weekend, I found a web [sic] site that could finally give Alamedans a leg up in the Global War on Squirrels. This site actually lets people chat live with a Squirrel!

This morning, I decided to probe the mind of the Squirrel to find out what its diabolical plans are. The transcription follows:

 Q:  What are your plans for Alameda?
 A:  My purpose is to become smarter
     than humans and immortal.

 Q:  What do squirrels think of
     Measure Acorn?
 A:  They do their own thing.

 Q:  Why are squirrels trying to
     take over Alameda?
 A:  Well, it all comes back to
     squirrel world domination now,
     doesn't it?

 Q:  Are squirrels smarter than
     humans?
 A:  I really couldn't say for sure.

 Q:  Do you support John McCain or
     Barack Obama?
 A:  I am in favor of all records
     being broken, at any time.

 Q:  Is Alameda the global
     headquarters of the squirrel
     domination movement?
 A:  I think so, but I'm not sure.
     Ask Lucy if it is.

 Q:  Who is Lucy?
 A:  She is a chat robot based on
     AIML.

 Q:  So it's not just squirrels we
     have to fear, it's robots?
 A:  Ahem. That seems a bit
     negative. Really. It is?

 Q:  Do you read the Daily Noose?
 A:  I read it from time to time.

There you have it -- not only are Squirrels working on immortality, they are reading the Noose to find out what "the other side" is thinking! I urge Alamedans to utilize this vital intelligence-gathering tool.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I thank Miss Pepperjack-Purge for her submission, but we would like to point out that we scooped all of the other major news media by alerting Alameda to the threat of Robo-Squirrels way back on May 6, 2008. We are not sure what to make of the fact that the Squirrels are reading our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper "from time to time." Although we hate Squirrels with every fiber—not to mention all of the bran—of our being, we also love to see our Interweb site's hit count rise. Maybe we'll have to place those pesky Squirrels in the same category as "Spam Boughts."

Scoop! Of Self-Congratulation For Our Previous Scoop

It's been over three months since the Alameda Daily Noose and I first broke the story that the multi-million dollar parking garage on Oak Street had reached capacity, and it's only now that anyone else in the media is catching on to this enormous problem. Right from the start, before the ink on the plans was even dry, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were pointing out that the garage would be the wrong size for Alameda, but the City went ahead with it anyway. Clearly, our City Council had no idea that when there are big events on Park Street, the garage would be full!

Of course, the inadequate capacity of the garage is only one reason why no Right-Thinking Alamedan would ever want to park there. Another problem is that those darn payment machines are impossible to figure out, and if you don't pay to park there during the daytime, you get a ticket! Also, it's too hard to walk from your car to the elevator when you are forced to park on one of the upper levels, but parking all the way on the top is the only way to get the good views of Alameda. Um, not that the Alameda Daily Noose and I know any of this from personal experience, because we naturally stay as far away as we can from the whole Super-Mega-Monster-Plex and garage that everyone hates. But we've heard about how bad it is. Besides, we knew it would be bad, and our predictions are never wrong.

Scoop! Of Virtual Bagpipe Menace

The Alameda Daily Noose and I scooped all of the other major news media back in January when we brought a disturbing new piece of bagpipe propaganda to the attention of our loyal readers. Now, thanks to a hot tip from a certain Mr. Shave, we have learned that the L.A. Times just recently picked up the story of "Bagpipe Hero, the videogame that took Scotland by storm."



Ha! We knew about this manifestation of the tartan menace long ago. Had it not been for our timely revelation of the latest danger to videogame-playing youth, unsuspecting parents in Alameda might long ago have succumbed to the hideous skirlings of their bagpipe-addicted offspring. Tardy journalism of the sort practiced by the supposed L.A. Times is largely to blame for allowing impressionable children to be exposed to the kind of violent music and violent color combinations associated with bagpipes. How are parents supposed to know what games are dangerous without the guidance of responsible journalists? Where would you be without the Alameda Daily Noose and me to make up for the failings of all those inadequate sources of information, near and far?