The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, according to a so-called memorandum issued January 15, 2008, the spectacular and inevitable failure of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will be delayed by a whole two months.
The delay is supposedly due to the rain or something, but the journalistically trained eyes of the Alameda Daily Noose and me saw right through that ruse. The real reason for the delay is to deprive Right-Thinking Alamedans of two full months of complaining about the latest abomination to blight our Treasured Island!
The Mayor and her Cronies know how much we were looking forward to attending every infuriating screening held at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. We Right-Thinking Alamedans are willing to brave the traffic and the crowds so that we can see for ourselves what we knew all along: Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because nobody wants to brave the traffic and the crowds! The Mayor is quaking in her boots at the thought of the grumpy letters to the editor that we will write, announcing the imminent demise of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, so she has ordered her Cronies to delay the opening.
Let it be known that this delay will not slow us down. We will be there, along with thousands of our Right-Thinking friends and family, on the day the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens, tickets in hand, ready to prove that we were right about what an awful, unpopular failure it will be. Just be sure that you don't park in our spot in the new parking garage, you know, the one right by the door.
Yesterday's letter from a Mr. Leonard Putkin Obama threw Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters into a tizzy. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had grown so cynical and disillusioned about presidential politics that we could hardly muster a tch-tch-tch, to say nothing of an endorsement. All of that changed forever, though, when we opened our hearts and heard Mr. Obama's message of hope.
After a hastily convened editorial conference in front of our bathroom mirror, the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel together decided to embrace a new hope for Alameda's future by endorsing presidential candidate Mike Hucklebee.
The incredible story of Mike Hucklebee is the story of Alameda, the story of you and me. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
After teaching himself the three R's—Ranting, Raving, and Right Thinking—in the humble one-room school he fashioned from rolled-up copies of worthless local newspapers, a young Mike Huckleberry donned diving gear and floated down the Mississippi River on a raft. His literary account of his boyhood adventures, Huckleberry's Fins, continues to thrill the children of Alameda to this day.
Fresh out of medical school, Mr. Huxtable met the love of his life, Janet, and in 1984, they settled down to raise a family in a ground-breaking and award-winning television comedy series. The day-to-day family life of Mike, Janet, and their four children, John, Mark, David, and Sarah, delighted audiences throughout Alameda and became a touchstone for a decade.
Once the children went off to college and the show went into reruns, Mr. Huxley wrote his first novel, Brave New World, about how wonderful life in Alameda will be once we are finally rid of the twin plagues of Squirrels and Bagpipes: Everyone is happy all the time, and nobody parks in front of anybody else's house.
As Mr. Obama's letter pointed out, the thing that sets Mr. Huckleberry apart from all of the other presidential candidates is that he is truly a hawk in the Global War on Squirrels. He doesn't just talk tough on Squirrels; he eats them for breakfast…literally!
Sure, other candidates like Fred Thompson and Mike Gravel may seem exciting, but the hard truth is that all of them—young and old, liberal and conservative, Democrat, Republican, and Independent—are Soft on Squirrels. We are at war, and we can't afford to elect a lily-livered president whose quaking finger might slip off of that big red button. For Mr. Hucklebee, on the other hand, the task will be no more difficult than frying up a mess o' Squirrels in the popcorn popper.
For vice-president, the Alameda Daily Noose and I heartily endorse Heidi Wilson, the only other person on the national scene who actually has a plan to save Alameda from the sciurine threat. Like most candidates, especially those who aren't officially in the race yet, Miss Wilson has not gone into great detail on her plan…but suffice it to say that it involves delicious melted cheese.
Miss Wilson, the Alameda Daily Noose and I hereby implore you to throw your hunting cap into the ring. You and Mr. Huckleberry will make an unstoppable ticket, and once you have triumphed this November, we will hardly be able to wait for the inaugural banquet!
Everyone's favorite movie theater in Alameda has another hit on its hands! The Orphanage has been showing to sold-out audiences, according to owner Ed Haskell. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will have to take his word for it, since we haven't seen the movie even once, and don't intend to. We know more about orphans than anyone who might decide to make a movie about them. We're sure this film is a heartwarming tale about clean, well-behaved, deserving children from Alameda earning their own way in the world through daily chores and the sale of subscriptions to a soon-to-be-award-winning internet noosepaper, but we see quite enough of that in our daily lives without having to go to a movie about it. However, anyone who does not run an orphanage should take their children to see this undoubtedly family-friendly cinematic work.
Tickets are $8.00, unless you are paying for someone else's ticket too, in which case you'll need $16.00, and of course children don't get in for free, so be prepared to pay for them if you bring them. Also, matinees are a little cheaper, but just call Midtown Movies if you want details about prices, show times, or what refreshments are available.
Editor,
Can you believe that huge parking garage right near City Hall? I just noticed it for the first time yesterday. It must have sprung up overnight. I don't know who would ever want to park there. It's too big! It's obvious that it is going to have way too many spaces!
Of course, when people see all of that empty parking space, they're going to want some of it for themselves. How long do you think it will be before employees at the high school, and City Hall, and nearby businesses, all have their special reserved spaces and their special free permits, and take up two spaces each with their big subsidized vehicles? And then there will be no place for the rest of us to park!
Clearly, there will not be enough spaces in that thing. They should never have built it because it is too small! Don't our City officials realize that people drive cars in Alameda?
Jane Dervish
Editor,
It's time for people to lay off the bagpipe-bashing a bit. There are many of us in Alameda who believe that, if it is done right, a large number of bagpipes can actually coexist harmoniously in a relatively small space. There are parts of our community that could actually be improved by the addition of a few more bagpipes, so let's do our part to accomodate more bagpipes instead of forcing them into more congested urban areas.
Bagpipes can actually have a stimultating effect on a population and its economy. In fact, the presence of bagpipes is one of the reasons that I am able to live happily here. Mr. Census and others should stop trying to blame all of their problems on bagpipes, and start looking at the problems that are being caused by a lack of bagpipes. If you've ever witnessed the pathetic efforts of a lone piper to cover both parts in a duet, you'll know what a tragedy it is when there are not enough qualified bagpipers to go around.
What little bagpiping there is in Alameda is essential to maintaining air circulation on the island. Most people don't realize that we could quickly become enveloped in smog of our own producing if it were not for the exhalations of bagpipers' powerful lungs. You should not be complaining about that bagpiper in your neighborhood, but hailing him as the environmental hero he is. Bagpipers breathe greatly that we may breathe more easily.
If Mr. Census had stayed for more than 30 seconds of the performance on
Saturday, he would have learned that bagpipes are also a healthy alternative to pesticides and other poisons for driving out rats, cockroaches, termites, horseflies, squirrels and other vermin. Those fine, musical lads explained that the powerful vibrations of the bagpipe's drone is too much for inferior creatures to bear, and they go scampering for the nearest way out almost as soon as the music begins. Come to think of it, I think I witnessed an example of such pestilent behavior at the performance in question.
Roy Avery
Rog,
I am disappointed that one of Alameda's long-time restaurants is being replaced by that "BarSaloona" place, or whatever it's called. I never ate at Luciano's, but I heard it was good. I even peeked inside once, and it looked beautiful, but I just couldn't spend that much money on a meal when there is a perfectly good Wienerschnitzel right around the corner.
Anyway, the real tragedy is that we are going to lose that public art on the front of the building. It symbolizes the deliciousness of food and the importance of mothers in our society. I think the moustache is particularly well done, as well the medal on the chef's chest, which symbolizes award-winning cooking. It really burns my bacon that the Evil Developers want to destroy this priceless piece of our history just so they can get filthy rich by attracting a bunch of mindless yuppies who don't even deserve to live in Alameda to get schnockered at their fancy-schmancy bar-saloon.
Our City Council needs to step in and make sure that the mural is preserved in its original location no matter what business takes over that space. It is part of Alameda's history, and no-one should ever forget that there was some kind of restaurant there once that had wonderful decor, including that mural. If they could leave the inside and outside of the building exactly the way they are, that would be best.
Longing for the good old days,
Brenda Snook
The PG rated fantasy movie "Inferno: Book of Secrets" opens today at Alameda's Midtown Movies, 824 Encinal Avenue. This film is a dramatization of the fate that awaits opponents of Alameda's Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," in the afterlife. Rog Grumbel gave it a grade of A+, and the Alameda Daily Noose gave it a grade of A++.
Despite our bitter difference of opinion on the quality of this film, the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed that one of the best parts was when the hero, Don Tay, first arrives in the Ninth Circle of Hell, which is reserved for the Muzzlers and Bamboozlers who spent their useless lives trying to destroy Measure Acorn. As Don arrives at the shore of a huge, very convincing model of a frozen lake, the movie's narrator solemnly intones:
So, to where modest shame appears, thus lowAs great as that part was, our favorite part was the dramatic climax of the film. We don't want to spoil it for those who weren't important enough to be invited to an exclusive sneak preview, so we can't tell you how shocked we were to see Satan depicted in all his computer-generated glory:
Blue pinch'd and shrined in ice the Muzzlers stood,
Moving their teeth in shrill Bamboozlement.
Her face each downward held; their mouth the cold,
Their eyes express'd the dolour of their heart.
Speak of the Devil! To his rear shot forthThe movie will be shown at 1:00 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. Friday through Sunday and at 3:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday.
A mighty tail, enormous as became
A Squirr'l so vast. Sails never such I saw
Outstretch'd on the wide sea. No plumes had it,
But was in texture like a brush; and this
He flapp'd i' th' air, that from him issued still
A chit-chit-chitting deep within his throat
The likes of which no human ears have heard
Whilst perch'd upon a bench in Jackson Park.
Roger,
The good people of Alameda have been hoodwinked! During its construction, the enormous, sun-blocking building across from the police station was billed as the Alameda Public Library. Well, I went into it last week and I think you'll be as shocked as I was at what I found. Books written by people who do not live in, and — even worse — have never even been to, Alameda!
That's right — books by complete strangers! Wake up, librarians — it's not called the "Everywhere Public Library"! If the city had stayed true to its stated goal, stocking only books written by residents of our treasured isle, the building would've been much smaller, allowing for much more parking. What Right-Thinking Alamedan wouldn't support that?
What can we loyal islanders do? Simple — refuse to read any book not written by a resident of any City That Is Not Alameda. Let's show those fat cats at the library who's boss!
Bill LeFleur-Smensky
Dear Roger,
As did all Right-Thinking Alamedans, my wife & I forsook a City That Is Not Alameda and moved to the Treasured Island, drawn by its bucolic splendor and ample parallel parking in front of our house. We especially loved the half-built mega-plex that usurped most of the parking on Santa Clara Avenue.
Imagine our shock when we learned that construction on the mega-plex has continued, even nearing completion! Mr. Grumbel, we did not relocate to Alameda just so buildings could be finished willy-nilly right under our noses! We expect things to stay exactly as they were when we arrived: ACLO reviving DAMN YANKEES, trees barren and lifeless, and a half-finished garage/theater forcing the closure of Oak & Central during the busiest traffic times. These are the treasured memories of our very recent past. Let us not sully them by continuing to work!
What's next? Days getting longer instead of shorter? I'll have none of it!
Gruffly yours,
Morman Nailer
Editor's note: The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only assume that by "mega-plex" the author means the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Normally we would jump all over any "new bee" who made such a glaring gaffe, but we like the cut of Mr. Nailer's jib, so we're going to let it slide.
Rog,
I opened up the sample ballot that I got in the mail (not that there's any point in voting, but I like to know what I'm refusing to vote on) and what was the first thing I saw? It was a big "A" staring me in the face. Everyone knows that "A" stands for only one thing in Alameda, and that's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus! Oh, that and Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn…but that's all! We all know what is the real threat, and I am OUTRAGED that those money-grubbing, know-nothing, Council-co-opting DEVELOPERS would try to back-door the vote on the most important law there is in Alameda.
Did they think we wouldn't notice that big "A"? Do they think we're too stupid to realize that changing Tartan-limiting Measure Angus won't do anything to help children or hospitals? I, for one, like children, and I think it's absolutely DISGUSTING to use them for political purposes. I know my own adorable kids would burst into tears if they ever saw Measure "A" on the ballot. You'd like that, wouldn't you, you heartless Measure Angus opponents!
What, you may ask, could be even worse than exploiting children? Well, half of the language on the ballot is about That City That Is Definitely NOT Alameda, and they admit that the ill-gotten gains to be generated from changing Measure Angus will be going directly to That Other City, NOT Alameda!!
We all know how lucrative Bagpipes can be, but AT WHAT COST? AT WHAT COST??? I have no idea what the actual cost is, but I'm sure it's enormous. That is why every Right-Thinking Alamedan needs to show his or her outrage by BOYCOTTING this crooked election. We don't need this change, and we shouldn't even dignify the deceptively abbreviated Measure A with a vote. So don't just vote NO on February 5th; instead, make it NO VOTE!
Yours in OUTRAGE,
Donald Kirkland
As our loyal readers know so well, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcome the cogent, well-organized thoughts and reasoned arguments of citizens whose mighty pens of protest are set in motion by righteous indignation at a world full of injustice, immorality, and people parking in front of their houses.
It is therefore with heavy heart that we proclaim our profound disappointment with an otherwise Right-Thinking Alamedan who seems to have lost his way. Although he starts out strong with his innovative ideas for a fresh new approach toward change in so-called municipal government, and then goes on to demonstrate a keen awareness of the arboreal threat, he stops just short of recognizing the One True Threat to our Treasured Island: Squirrels. Oh, and the other One True Threat, Bagpipes.
The real travesty, of course—the action that removes all doubt that the letter-writer has fallen into perdition—is that the chosen venue for publication of his missive was the Alameda Puppy Trainer, and not a certain soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. However, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are such ardent supporters of the First Amendment that we are not going to let the fact that a letter was sent to a different editor dissuade us from publishing it in its entirety:
Editor:If the Alameda Daily Noose and I weren't so miffed with Mr. Freitas for sending his so-called letter to someone else, we would salute him.
Here's where I would take each so-called member of the City Council and Board of Education, and line them each up against a brick wall, and let the Army use the wall and the "dummies" as target practice.
I would encourage the Navy not ever to turn over their land to a bunch of morons, and the so-called Alameda Point would become nothing except housing and medical facilities for armed services personnel.
I wish I was feeling better, so that I could help organize a recall of all elected city officials, as an orangutan could (do) much better. I would also take all three Alameda papers, and use them to pick up feces. They're worthless.
And as for those idiots over in Harbor Bay, I tell the airport to turn on the after-burners full-blast, and shake each and every home until the entire fill is liquidated. Amelia Earhart flew out of the airport, and those stupid people when they bought those homes did so knowing that the airport had been there for decades. I have no sympathy for them.
I know this won't make the papers, because in my city, we do not have free speech.
When U.S. Army Reserve 1st Lt. Chaplain Michael A. Stagnaro returned home after providing our men and women spiritual comfort, there was no welcoming for a man who did his duty. No wonder he moved away, and I am proud that I am able to call him my adopted "nephew."
I'm surprised that these "new" residents don't fly the flag of the Third Reich!
The city is so dumb, they plant these dumb trees, which constantly tear up the sidewalks, instead of putting back the beautiful trees we had, the Japanese cherry blossom trees, like what is in our federal capital. Change the lighting to match the Fernside Homeowners Association with the lower lights, but get rid of the orange sodium lights, and have the regular white.
But Matarrese and the other four dummies consider it more important to spend time worrying about something that is prohibited in the Constitution.
Enough said. Just throw all those bums out. Unfortunately stupidity begets stupidity.
— Rick Freitas
I propose we, the faithful readers of this site, create an award specifically for ADN so it can no longer be the "soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper" and can become a fully fledged, "award-having-since-people-who-read-it-like-it noosepaper." So as far as I'm concerned, we should offer the "Alameda-Daily-Noose-Rocks-My-Socks-Off-Because-Its-Opinion-Dovetails-with-mine-quite-nicely award" to editor Roger Grumbel at our earliest opportunity.
Dear Rog,
I have already broken my New Year's resolution to wait until afternoon to read your latest stories and letters. I just can't stop myself from getting on the interweb first thing every day, which means that then I don't have anything to look forward to later in the day. Could you maybe put out a late edition with updates every day so that I will have something else to read? That is, of course, if you can afford the extra printing costs. I understand that interweb ink is expensive, especially the high-quality yellow kind that it seems none of the other major news media can even afford.
Also, don't ever start publishing less often than week-daily, because that would be even worse than only once a weekday. It's hard enough to get through the weekend by constantly re-reading Friday's edition, which I usually have memorized by Monday. If I didn't at least get my Noose every weekday, I would get cranky, and as I am already very cranky, I'm not sure what would happen if I got any more cranky. Please, let's not find out.
Yours truly,
Jean Kerkwilligers
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Carl.
Carl who?
Car'l get you there faster than a bike.
As the Alameda Daily Noose and I continued to dig through our overstuffed mailbag following our much-deserved Holiday Hiatus, we remembered that we also needed to check our "gee mail." After sifting through a number of rather personal messages concerning enhancement of parts of a man's noosepaper that should not be mentioned in polite company (these must have been sent to the wrong address, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I have no need for such remedies), as well as some notifications from the British Lottery (these too must have been sent in error, because everyone knows that we have already won), we came across this mysterious little missive:
From: barbara kahn
Sent: Tuesday, January 01, 2008 2:40 PM
To: rogergrumbel@gmail.com
Subject: how do I get you to post htis?
Attachments: cant decide.doc
I am a good Democrat, but an inexperienced blogger.
SITTING ON THE FENCE ?
CAN'T DECIDE FOR WHOM TO VOTE ?COME TO OUR JANUARY MEETING
REPRESENTATIVES OF MANY PRESIDENTIAL
CAMPAIGNS WILL BE THERE TO MAKE A PITCH
AND ANSWER QUESTIONS.CITY OF ALAMEDA DEMOCRATIC CLUB
MEETING AT THE ALAMEDA HOSPITALWEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9th 7;00 pm-9:00 PM
Hillary Clinton:- Steve Tidrick Oakland attorney
John Edwaards Paul Cohen Carpenters Union
Dennis Kucinich Tom Gallagher pres.of the Bernal Heights Democratic Club
Barack Obama- Wilma Chan
Bill Richardson Jeff Harris – former pres of Cal Berkelly DemsAS AN ADDED ATTRACTION, MIKE MCMAHON WILL DEAL WITH THE PROPOSITIONS.
During our Holiday Hiatus, The Alameda Daily Noose and I were inundated with pleas to publish something, anything—maybe even a press release from some city that is not even Alameda—to help Right-Thinking Alamedans stay in a complaining frame of mind. We understand how important our journalistic masterpieces are to all of you, loyal readers, but it's more important for the Noose and me to have some quiet time in which to recharge our powerful editorial commenting abilities.
Now that we are back, and in top form, it's a perfect time to start catching up on the multitude of letters that have accumulated in our mail bag. So here, freshly dusted off for your up-to-the-minute consumption, is a letter that we know you'll enjoy:
Dear Roger,
Thank you so much for your Phantom of the Kofman pieces on the Alameda Daily Noose. They are a burst of holiday cheer. Len Bossman Paris thinks you’re a hoot. Thanks again, and the entire board of ACLO and our dear departed parents, Superman, and the American Way, not to mention show tune junkies everywhere, wish you the MERRIEST of merry, merry, merry, CHRISTMASES EVER!!!!!!
GOD BLESS ROGER GRUMBLE!
Bernice “TixRUs” Lampoon
Box Office Manager
My Charity
Alameda Civic Light Opera is a community theater that produces professional-quality Broadway musicals in the SF Bay Area. Its unique technical internship program provides summer jobs for high school and college students, many of whom are at risk.
Alameda Civic Light Opera IncDonate: https://www.networkforgood.org/donate/MakeDonation2.aspx?ORGID2=943255263&PcaItemId=8243
Create Your Own Charity Badge
http://www.networkforgood.org/pca/PcaLandingPage.aspx?source=SIXDEG&cmpgn=SCB
Some bureaucrat must have come up with this idea for changing the number on our calendars every year. It's probably a conspiracy of calendar manufacturers, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I are irritated at being forced to change anything. However, just because the artificial numerical value assigned to the year is changing, that doesn't mean that anything else has to.
As we look back at 2007, we can see many things that Right-Thinking Alamedans ought to insist upon keeping the same in 2008. We can count on Cap'n Everett's annual Yard Sail of course, and the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's ongoing efforts to raise money whenever it doesn't cut into their social schedule too much. With luck, the old Carnegie Library will remain vacant for another year. And, with a last-ditch heroic effort of coordinated complaining, it might even be possible for citizens to postpone the opening of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.
One other thing that we can be sure will stay the same is the preeminent popularity of the Alameda Daily Noose. The phenomenal number of visitors to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is one that will surely keep going up, no matter how much our natural modesty might make us wish that it would simply stay the same.
