Sacred Symbols Left Out on the Street to Rot

Dear Roger,

I am writing to complain about the sacrilegious behavior perpetuated on Alameda streets. Every year after the Christmas holiday, people discard their Christmas trees carelessly on the street. Please find enclosed some snapshots I took around by driving around on my block.

Clearly this is the result of wrong-thinking (or left-thinking) Alamedans. Any right-thinking Alamedan knows that the Christmas tree is a sacred symbol dating back to the days of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

In the words of Jeremiah 10:1-5:

...for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

As this clearly states, a Christmas tree must be fastened, and it must not be moved after that. Any disposal of a Christmas tree, then, is sacrilege.

Like all Right-Thinking Alamedans, I have never disposed of, nor removed, any of the 23 Christmas trees I have purchased and attached to the floor in my house in all the years I have lived in my house. (I also treated the Christmas trees in my previous residence just as reverently; unfortunately they were lost when the house burned down in 1987.)

Perhaps somebody should take these trees back to the houses of the people who moved them and explain that they are not to be disposed of!

Humbugly,

Sylvia C. Richards

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your New Year

Happy New Year, Alameda! Don't you just love that fresh new-year smell? It reminds me of when my family and I make that yearly trip to the dealership to pick up the very newest, greenest model of hybrid S.U.V.

But new cars aren't the only things you can buy to make your life greener. This year, why not resolve to replace all kinds of things in your household with new, green alternatives? There's no time like the present, so why not throw out those old trash bags you've been using, and replace them with recycled ones? In fact, if you put the old ones in the recycling bin, you'll be creating more recycled plastic!

And then there are all of those outdated clothes that collect in the closet. Why not start out the new year with an all new wardrobe? Be especially careful to throw away any clothing made from nasty chemicals, like polyester and alpaca. No-one should have to have dangerous chemicals next to their skin. Instead, you can replace those items with ones made from organic cotton, hemp, and (my favorite) cashmere!

It's also a great time of year to clean out your refrigerator. If you still have any fruits, vegetables, condiments, prepared foods, etc. in there that aren't organic, you can simply empty them into your green bin, and replace them with free-range, hormone-free produce and other foods. If you aren't sure how much of the organic products to buy to replace your old ones, I recommend getting an organic ingredient conversion table like the one I used to figure out my famous organic cornbread muffin recipe.

These are just a few ways that you can ring out the old and ring in a greener new year. So, go ahead and use your own inspiration as your search for more unsustainable things to replace with responsible ones. Happy shopping, everyone, and let me know if you find any exciting new green products!

Art Gallery Revs Up Show for Auto Enthusiasts

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were somewhat puzzled when we received the press release below. It seemed to have something to do with automobiles, which we love, but also involved art. We all know that you can't always trust artists, so the Daily Noose and I did some investigating, and discovered that automobiles and fine art really do go together!

This sleek, cable access-watching pedestal is the kind of art that any Right-Thinking Alamedan could be proud to have in his own living room. It's hard to believe that one of those kids these days, with their so-called skate-boards and ball-point pens, could produce anything with such depth and clarity of purpose, but it takes only a cursory reading of the press release to convince us that this young Mattie G. has a way with found objects and vinyl:

Matt136 - a solo show
January 8th, 2010 - February 7, 2010
Opening reception, January 9, 2010, 7:00pm - 10:00pm
Autobody Fine Art
1517 Park Street
Alameda, CA 94501
510.865.2608
http://www.autobodyfineart.com/
info@autobodyfineart.com

Autobody Fine Art is proud to present a solo show by artist Matt136. This will mark the first time in Autobody's history that we have given one artist the entire space to work with and it is a testament to the remarkable skill, dedication and creative purpose that is evident in Matt136 artworks.

The exhibition will feature a variety of works ranging from minutely detailed drawings that elicit Renaissance comparisons with Durer and Michelangelo, to brightly colored assemblages that carry complicated meaning within their formal arrangement. A cast of recurring characters appear throughout the artwork including a plump little rat, symbolic images of the artist himself, flying toasters, hand grenades and Michael Jackson alongside numbers and text which in their specificity allude to a greater narrative. For this show Matt136 will be producing a site-specific mural within the space which will tie in with the multiple other elements occupying the gallery walls. As the viewer attempts to take in the installation as a whole, this rhythm will be interrupted as the eye alights on individual art pieces that captivate through charm and idiosyncrasy.

Matt136 is meticulous in his craft. Old vinyl records are sawn into landscapes across which people and animals march and a simple ball point pen is used to produce highly detailed images through repetitive cross hatching. As a skateboarder, Matt136 has produced a number of skate decks and also deconstructs the boards themselves to act as environments for his characters. The work is obsessive and extremely focused but retains a playful, almost cartoon-like quality that allows Matt136 to address complicated personal and social issues while still seducing his audience. Drowning drunks, insecure parents and a variety of levels of frustration are all mirrored in his characters, as is a celebration of the diversity of emotions and challenges that face both the artist and his audience.

For a full biography and more images please contact Amy George, Gallery and Event Director at 510.865.2608, or at info@autobodyfineart.com

What's Really Going On Here??? Reader Demands to Know

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Today, I received a flyer in the mail urging me to vote No on Measure B. Naturally, like all right thinking Alamedans, I was planning not only to vote no but to picket the houses of anyone who dares to display a pro-Measure B yard sign. However, I noticed something very sinister in the upper left hand corner of the mailer:

No on B is headquartered in The City that is Not Alameda!! I don't know about you, but I find that extremely ominous. How am I supposed to believe that voting No on Measure B will protect our treasured isle when apparently, the anti-B forces are coming from across the estuary? For all we know, this is the first step in a "Trojan Horse"-type of master plan that will lead to that other city sending all of its bagpipers to Alameda. I urge you to look into this shocking development to find out who is REALLY behind Measure B.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

This Right-Thinking Alamedan's missive has hit the Alameda Daily Noose and me like a bombshell. We know that Measure B, as in Bagpipes, is Bad, yet we know that people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda have no right to an opinion on anything, much less on the internal affairs of our Treasured Isle. Do we conclude that people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda are not Bad, because they oppose Measure B? Or do we conclude that Measure B is not Bad after all, because it is opposed by people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda? Clearly there is no middle ground; it must be one or the other. But which? Which?!

Fallen Leaves: The Scourge of Alameda

Dear Roger:

I know that the pages of the Alameda Daily Noose have been filled of late with words about the things that we hate. I agree that there are many things to hate: people parking in front of my house, squirrels, teenagers, bagpipes, developers, music, dancing, holiday cheer and holiday asbestos, people saying nice things to you, Canadians, SunCal, thespians, bridges, neighbors, pumpkins left on people's front porches in October, the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, the School Board, B.L.O.G.S., people who don't live in Alameda, mayors who don't come from a long line of Alamedans, and so much more!

But the one thing that really bothers me is leaves. No, not the leaves stuck on trees where they belong, but the dead, decaying, dirty, soggy, brown ones that have fallen off of the trees. Whether these are falling from the trees as a result of nature or as a result of the Big Arborist, I don't really care. The fact is, this has got to stop!

What can we do to stop these leaves from falling off the trees? Or, better yet, what can we do to stop them from growing there in the first place?

Grumpy New Year!

Patricia Fowl

Editor's Comments:

Miss Fish is right that fallen leaves are a huge problem in Alameda. Huge fallen leaves, in fact, are an even huger problem. Fortunately, Alameda Daily Noose columnist and Green guru Janet Marchant has already figured out the solution to that problem. As the Alameda Daily Noose and I recall, it had something to do with chainsaws. All we need now is for Right-Thinking Alamedans to complain loudly enough to force someone else to make that solution a reality.

Reader Loves Us, Hates It When People Say "Happy New Year" and "Happy Holidays"

Roger,

I was glad to see the first noose item of the new year be "Grumpy New Year!" Let me tell you, I am so tired of people saying things like "Happy Holidays" and "Happy New Year" constantly over the last month. I'm afraid to go outside today, especially, for fear that the number of cheerful greetings will cause me to lose balance and topple over and throw out my hip again.

I would like to propose that all right-thinking Alamedans adopt a new expression as a retort to this annoying cheerfulness. It's not a word that many people know, but I ran across it in some old Great War correspondence I had found in my attic. The word is "Humbug." It's a simple retort, but even if the recipient of this verbal hand-grenade has never heard it before, the mere sound of it gets the meaning across, I do believe!

My hope is that if enough of us start using this word, it will come back into fashion, and more and more come to know its meaning. Over the long run, I hope I am not overoptimistic in predicting that enough of these "cheerful" people hear it, they too will become grumpy, and from there, perhaps even turn their ways into being a true right-thinking Alamedan. Naturally, the additional result will be the hearty defeat of Measure Bagpipe.

Let's do what we can to turn these cheerful do-gooders into proper grumps. Ladies and Gentlemen, Humbug!

Vincent FitzSimmons

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I just love to make predictions for the new year. We are so good at making predictions that we don't bother reviewing our previous predictions for accuracy, for that would take up valuable time we could otherwise spend gloating and saying, "I told you so."

The aughts have been a fine decade for outrage and indignation, righteous and otherwise; however, next year alone promises to make the last decade look like a garden party by comparison. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are talking about the special election on February 2, 2010, better known as The Single Most Important Event in Human History.

Despite the fact that everyone in the world will be voting "no" on Measure B (as in Bagpipes) in February, it's worth pointing out that a "yes" on B would mean the end of Alameda and Greater Alameda (sometimes referred to as "the world") as we know it. Under the utopian guise of so-called Tartan-Oriented Development, the Evil Developer would first construct massive peat bogs and, like the vile Robert the Bruce of Scotland, use them to defeat his enemies, the Right-Thinking Alamedans. Like Pharaoh, he would order the building of great pyramids out on the old Navy base, enslaving an army of Alamedans to accomplish the task. Then, like Alexander the Great, he would weep, for there would be no more Alamedas for him to conquer. Finally, in an apocalyptic, apoplectic climax, all of Alameda Point would sink into the sea, like the doomed city of Atlantis, dragging the rest of Alameda down with it. Life as we know it would cease, and an eternal pall of darkness would fall over Greater Alameda.

In other words, Measure B is Bad. NO on B.

No.

Bad!