ROGER KORNBLUTH Proves PARKING GARAGE Was Designed by a Drunkard

DEAR EDITOR,

I CAN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY NOBODY IS PARKING IN THE PARKING GARAGE. NO, NOT BECAUSE IT'S NEXT TO THE SUPER-MEGA-MONSTER-PLEX THAT EVERYONE HATES. IT'S BECAUSE THE GARAGE WAS DESIGNED SO POORLY THAT IT DANGEOROUSLY SAGS.

I HAVE ENCLOSED A PHOTOGRAPH THAT DEPICTS THIS ATROCITY. NOTICE HOW THE FLOORS SAG TO THE LEFT. ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, THE OAK STREET SIDE OF THE GARAGE IS A FULL STORY TALLER THAN THE BACK OF THE LOT. IN THIS EARTHQUAKE-PRONE AREA WE CAN'T AFFORD TO RISK OUR LIVES BY ENTERING A STRUCTURE THAT WAS CLEARLY DESIGNED BY AN INTOXICATED (OR WORSE) ARCHITECT.

IT'S HIGH TIME WE DEMOLISH THE GARAGE BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT. IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD, PERHAPS IF A FEW OF US GIVE IT A SHOVE.

ADMIRINGLY,

ROGER KORNBLUTH

P.S. PLEASE EXCUSE THE IMPROPER CAPITALIZATION OF MY LETTER. MY PC'S "CAPS LOCK" KEY HAS BEEN STUCK IN THE "ON" POSITION.

We Fight Them There So That We Don't Have To Fight Them Here

An alert reader has notified the Alameda Daily Noose and me of a chilling development in the Global War on Squirrels. Yes, we knew this day would come; in some parts of the world, the Sciurine Menace is now armed.

Despite the nightmare images, and the fear for our own safety that they conjure up, there is a method in this madness. Clearly, our government and its esteemed private contractors are following the time-honored foreign policy of supplying weapons and other advanced technology to hostile elements in distant countries, where they can safely engage our troops without any danger to the Alamedan homeland and its people.

And we'll continue to take the fight to the enemy. That's why we're fighting them in Iraq, and we're not fighting them here at home. We're fighting them in Iraq so that we can defeat them abroad, so we don't have to fight them here in Alameda. That's one of the lessons of Measure Acorn, is that we must take the fight to the Squirrels, and that's exactly what Right-Thinking Alamedans have done and will continue to do.

Scoop! of Nothing: New Garage Is Empty, As Predicted in Alameda Daily Noose

Remember, you read it here first! The prediction that the new multi-million dollar parking garage on Oak Street would be too big appeared over a month ago in these very pages. And as you can clearly see from the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above, the prediction was dead on; no-one is parking in the garage, and no-one ever will. The City might as well board it up, or knock it down. It would have made much more sense to create ten new free parking spaces right in front of each business in the neighborhood, because no-one wants to walk a block just to get coffee and a sandwich, or buy furniture, and no-one wants to pay for parking.

Now the nattering nabobs of negativism will be quick to point out that there isn't room to put in all those parking spaces right in front of each business, but the great minds here at the Alameda Daily Noose city planning think tank have the answer: We simply tear down all the buildings and rebuild them far enough back from the street to allow convenient free parking right in front, just like at the Seven-Eleven.

Of course, if there are houses or other buildings behind the first row of buildings, we may have to tear them down and move them back a bit, too, repeating the process until we reach the shoreline, where we can simply reconstruct the final row of houses on sturdy piers standing in the water. Problem solved!

Although this plan might sound just a bit extreme at first blush, all Right-Thinking Alamedans know that a business without plenty of free parking right in front of the door is not a business worth patronizing. Sometimes you have to destroy a downtown in order to save it!

Lady Hornets Undefeated According to Official Alameda Daily Noose Reckoning

Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I predicted over a fateful beer way back in November, the Alameda High School women's varsity basketball team was undefeated in the games of the 2007-2008 season, held on November 29 and 30, December 6, 7, and 8, January 18, 25, 26, 29, and 31, and February 7, 8, 12, and 19, for an unbeatable total of 14 of 14 games won. As you can see from our exclusive Alameda Daily Noose file photo above, the ladies of A.H.S. have always known how to celebrate a victory!

Of course, it in no way tarnishes the success of the Lady Hornets, nor the accuracy of the Alameda Daily Noose's and my prediction, to note that these Right-Dribbling Alamedans lost the 10 games held on December 1, 11, and 14, January 8 (two games) and 15, and February 2, 5, 15, and 22. While some egghead athletic academics might claim that these are technically "defeats," we know that they are merely the exceptions that prove the rule.

We would say that the Lady Hornets deserve some kind of award for their perfect record, but their effort pales in comparison to the hard work the Alameda Daily Noose and I put into making our 100% successful prediction of how the season would play out. So congratulations to us…as the Alameda Daily Noose and I always say, it's not how you play the game, it's whether you were Right or Wrong!

Former City Council Candidate's Boycott Successful…Too Successful

Editor:

Well, the chickens have come home to roost. Thanks to my call for a boycott of the "forum" that was going to be held in Kofman auditorium this Saturday, the so-called event was a complete failure, by which I mean success. As you can see from this photo I shot with a zoom lens from the lobby, not a single Right-Thinking Alamedan showed up, either in the quote-unquote audience or on the supposed panel. If you look closely, you can see the hired-gun "moderator" up on stage, struggling to contain the angry mob of absentees.

If any Right-Thinking Alamedans had attended the forum, they would have heard one outrageous argument after another not being made, as people didn't muddy the water with facts. They would have seen deceptive photos of cleverly disguised high-density housing not being projected on the screen behind the non-existent panel. They would have erupted into applause every time a non-speaker did not say how nobody trusts the City Council, the Planning Board, or anybody else in city government, and how even his own mother is starting to seem a little suspicious these days. They would have cheered when someone did not step up to the mic to demand that we throw the heartless, shifty, no-good, greedy weasels out of office.

You know, writing about what didn't happen last Saturday makes me realize what a shame it is that my boycott was so darned successful. If the so-called forum had proceeded as planned, I would have had so much more to complain about today. I haven't been this frustrated since my ill-fated vacation!

With dislike, distaste and detestation,

Former City Council Candidate

Former City Council Candidate Urges Boycott of Unmentionable Event

Editor,

I can't believe you are giving free publicity to an event that should be buried under 20 feet of bay mud and never mentioned again. That's right, I'm talking about the "forum" that is going to be held tomorrow from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm in Kofman Auditorium in the historic Alameda High School building at 2200 Central Ave., between Oak St. and Walnut St. There is no way that any Right-Thinking Alamedan should even CONSIDER attending even PART of this completely rigged "discussion" of development in our town, because their panel of "experts" will not include a single Alamedan like me.

They practically begged me to go up there on stage and speak along with whatever slime-balls they ended up choosing, but I turned them down flat. I said I wouldn't want any part in a panel that didn't include any Alamedans like me.

The whole thing is going to be a huge waste of time, so I don't know why you even mentioned it. In addition to the lack of Alamedans like me on the panel, I'm sure there won't be any real Alamedans like me in the audience. In order to protest the complete absence of Right-Thinking Alamedans, I am calling on all Right-Thinking Alamedans to BOYCOTT this event. I'm going to ignore the whole thing from start to finish, and I expect to hear very soon about what a horrible failure it was.

Former City Council Candidate

Despite Subcommittee's Best Efforts, Forum on Housing Will Take Place on Saturday

History will not only be made, but also destroyed this Saturday, as Alameda's Planning Board dares to ask so-called experts what effect housing regulations have on development in general. All those present, from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. in Kofman auditorium, are sure to be in the pockets of high-rise-apartment-hungry developers.

In a rented back room in some kind of computer store in downtown San Francisco, auditions were held recently for pro-development cheerleaders to speak at this unspeakable event. Each applicant was required to answer the following ten questions in front of a panel of judges and a studio audience consisting of hundreds of mindless yuppies who aren't even from Alameda:

1. Who should drive the planning process at Alameda Point?
2. From what stakeholders would you seek input?
3. What are your top four priorities in planning a new community?
4. Who should benefit the most from the utilization of land at Alameda Point?
5. What is the recipe for creating a successful neighborhood?
6. What are Alameda's four greatest assets?
7. What person or persons do you most admire?
8. What is your primary source of income?
9. What are your four greatest strengths?
10. In conclusion, what is your opinion of SunCal?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to smuggle out some footage of one of the more well-received speakers who was vying for a position on the completely biased panel. Prepare to be shocked as you watch him answer the questions above:

Scoop! Council Takes Bold Stand on Controversial Issue

On Tuesday night, the Alameda City Council unanimously passed a resolution in support of Alameda's children. Councilman Matt Francagarsi introduced the item as a response to recent budget discussions in Sacramento, which the councilman says are "not good."

"It's time for the city of Alameda to stand up and say, 'We love our kids!'" Said Francagarsi, "If we don't do this now, people may wonder what we thought about children in general and the especially unique children in Alameda."

The resolution reads as follows:

            RESOLUTION OF THE CITY COUNCIL OF THE CITY OF
            ALAMEDA OPPOSING THOSE WHO OPPOSE
            THE CHILDREN

            WHEREAS, I believe the children are our future; and

            WHEREAS, we should teach them well and let them lead the way; and

            WHEREAS, we should show them all the beauty they possess inside; and

            WHEREAS, we should give them a sense of pride to make it easier; and

            WHEREAS, we should let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.

            NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, that the City Council of the City of Alameda believes that learning to love yourself…it is the greatest love of all.

                                    *  *  *  *  *  *

The resolution enacts no laws nor allocates any funding to child-related services; however it will look absolutely fabulous in an oak frame on an office wall. Community activist and political commentator Former City Council Candidate spoke in favor of the bill, saying that it's more than just a pretty picture on a wall: It could also be used as a postcard that can be handed out to remind people that in Alameda, "we care about kids, not like those heartless bastards in Hayward."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I leave you with our exclusive footage of Councilman Francagarsi reading his resolution at last night's meeting:

Laetitia Fernside Appreciates Factual Accuracy of Alameda Daily Noose

Dear Rog,

Your fact-checking is so accurate! Not like that nonsense in other major news media and those government-propaganda textbooks that we had to read in school. Your article on Alameda's greatest presidents was right on target, dispelling a lot of common myths about Washington and Lincoln. Back in the day, I'm pretty sure I attended Washington School with George, long before he was a general. I'll never forget what he said when he chopped down that Japanese cherry-blossom tree: "I cannot tell a lie; it was blocking my view."

What an honest guy! We just don't have leaders like that anymore. Some of them in this town actually insist on planting more trees, even as they claim that they are not soft on Squirrels. Hogwash!

Laetitia Fernside

Time to Honor Our Greatest Presidents

Today is a very special day, a day set aside to honor the presidents who made our great land what it is today. Naturally, we begin this day by recalling our first president, George Washington. You may be familiar with Emanuel Leutze's famous painting, "Washington Crossing the Estuary," but do you know the story behind it?

The year was 1776, and Alameda suffered under the merciless oppression of the tyrant King George III. Citizens were burdened with outrageous parcel taxes to pay for British hospitals, schools, and omnibus coaches, and many suffered the indignity of having the hated Redcoats hitch their war horses right in front of our city's lovely Victorian homes!

Having suffered a humiliating series of defeats at the hands of the British, General George Washington had been forced to retreat to a Neighboring City that is Not Alameda. On December 25, 1776, General Washington and a small army of 2,400 men crossed the Estuary at the Ferry Terminal in that Neighboring City on their way to attack a Hessian Garrison of about 1,400 on Benton St. in Alameda.

The crossing, made during a time when morale was at its lowest point during the Revolution, renewed hope among the Continental Army, Congress, and the general population. As any schoolchild—or at least one who goes to Edison School—can tell you, George Washington went on to become the first and most beloved president of the fledgling United States of Alameda and the Rest of America.

As great as George Washington was, he was not Alameda's only great president. Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin on—appropriately enough—Lincoln Ave. in Alameda in 1809. On November 6, 1860, Lincoln was elected president with Alameda teetering on the brink of civil war. On December 20 of that same year, Bay Farm Island, located in the old agrarian South of Alameda, seceded from the City of Alameda. The new president Lincoln led Alameda's industrial Northern Waterfront in a bloody war to reunite the city.
On November 19, 1863, nearly a year and a half before the end of the Alameda Civil War, Lincoln gave his famous Roxburg Lane Address, in which he tried to explain to a nation in turmoil how to find its way to an address on Roxburg Lane. Lincoln, aided only by a map hastily scribbled on an envelope just hours beforehand, reminded the audience that, unlike the simple grid system to which Northern Alamedans are accustomed, the street pattern of Bay Farm Island is so inscrutably convoluted that a minimum of "fourscore and seven turns" is required to reach the Roxburg Lane Address. Many of those present were moved to tears by the complexity of President Lincoln's directions, immortal words that continue to inspire us today.

So go forth, Right-Thinking Alamedans, to spend your day off in the shopping centers and business districts of our Treasured Island in fulfillment of your patriotic duty as consumers. And as you do so, remember that your freedom to enjoy fabulous bargains would not exist without the efforts of these two presidents—and a few others nobody remembers—who led the great nation of Alameda through times of dire crisis.

Right-Thinking Alamedans Must Act to Stop Leaf-Huggers from Raking Havoc

Dear Roger,

As I was parking my car in front of my next-door neighbor's house (which shouldn't have to be — there is a parking crisis in my neighborhood, but that's for a different letter), I noticed a nice-looking young man with a great suntan working on the aforementioned neighbor's front yard. Normally I would be in favor of this, except that he started using an old-fashioned RAKE to clean up the fallen leaves. I was mortified!

How can gardeners be doing something so egregious as using a rake, when they know perfectly well that everybody uses the more convenient leaf blowers. For a moment there, I thought I was in the third world. What's next - hanging your clothes from a clothesline in the name of "saving energy"? I looked around and wondered if any of my neighbors saw this embarrassing display. I would have scolded the young man and told him to get a respectable leaf blower, but his rake was making such a loud scrape-scrape-scrape sound that he wouldn't have been able to hear me.

I don't want to live in the kind of Alameda where people use stone-age tools to get the job done. I hereby call upon Mayor Johnson and the rest of the City Council to pass a ban on rakes and mandating that our gardeners make use of leaf blowers. And not those wimpy electrical-powered ones, it needs to be the industrial-strength gasoline-powered ones.

Love,
Gladys Nachu

5:11 a.m.: Scoop! Lee Harvey Oswald Framed by Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

There have been a lot of shocking photos of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates in the major news media lately, but none as shocking as the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo we bring you today. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had invited our neighbors, Mildred Bolus and her husband, what's-his-name, over to watch some slides of our vacation in Dallas back in November 1963. We shot many pictures of the terrible traffic jam we saw there, which reminded us of something from a "Looney Tunes" short.

Right in the middle of our slide show, Mildred's husband jumped up and shouted, "Look! You've solved the mystery of who really shot J.F.K.! This photo is the proof everyone's been looking for!" He whipped out a red marker and started writing on the screen. "You see, here, on the grassy knoll stands the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, which I've marked 'A.' This arrow shows that there is a clear shot from this position to the presidential motorcade, 'B.' And, as if you needed any more proof, there's the lamp post, which I've marked 'C.' Does it look familiar, Rog?"

I was dumbstruck. The lamp Midred's husband had circled was the exact type of lamp post that was recently installed in front of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. What's-his-name was right: It all falls into place! Now, this is not the first time that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates has been implicated in a murder, but up until now, the proof has been elusive. Our vacation snapshot, however, proves once and for all that this parking garage has not only killed before, but also framed an innocent man, Lee Harvey Oswald, for the crime. Clearly this is the work of an evil structure whose elevator does not go all the way to the top floor!

When Evil Red Squirrels Battle Evil Scottish Developers, Just Whose Side is a Right-Thinking Alamedan Supposed to Take?

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media by being the first to report—well, OK, the first to report in a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper—that the exodus of Squirrels from Alameda is causing confusing repercussions around the globe. Apparently, a group of Sciurine Communists has single-pawedly stopped an entire housing development in the weak, Squirrel-coddling nation of Scotland.

The backward island nation of Scotland, which lacks both Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" and Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," is defenseless not only against Squirrels but also against Bagpipes. Paradoxically, by allowing Squirrels to get the upper paw, Scotland has actually prevented the construction of more high-density housing for Scotsmen, which, as all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, leads inevitably to a plague of Bagpipes.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are used to sharp distinctions and easy answers. We find it extremely disturbing that we are unsure whether we should root for the Evil Communist Squirrels for battling the scourge of Tartan-oriented development, or applaud the Evil Developers for plotting to destroy the secret bases or "dreys" of the Evil Squirrels. Our uneasiness is proof that there is something terribly, terribly wrong with the country of Scotland, and only reinforces our belief that "Measure Angus"—together with "Measure Acorn"—is the only thing that can save our Treasured Island.

Running Scared: Squirrels Dash for Cover at News of Latest Huckleberry Victories

Alameda's Squirrel population is clearly getting agitated. The Alameda Daily Noose and I barely escaped with our lives after a recent close encounter. We shudder to think what could have happened if we hadn't had the presence of mind to shout "Hucklebee!" until the whiskered miscreants were frightened off.

Mike Huxtable's recent victories in Kansas and Lousiana, adding to his stunning wins throughout the Squirrel Belt, sent a clear message that voters are not going to stand silently by while the Furry Menace engulfs our great nation. Once Huckleberry becomes President, Squirrels will no doubt stream away from the heart of the country, i.e., Alameda, and cower at our borders, seeking sanctuary in Squirrel-coddling neighbor nations like Canada, Mexico, and Scotland.

Some candidates have indicated that they would cut and run in the Global War on Squirrels, whereas some have said they are willing to fight for 100, 1,000, 10,000, or maybe even 1,000,000 years. Lightweights! Setting a timetable for surrender just means the Squirrels move in for the kill in year number 1,000,001. We are at war, and Mike Hucklebee knows how to keep it that way…forever!

After Nightmare Vacation, Former City Council Candidate Is Tanned, Rested, and Ready…to Complain!

Editor,

I just got back from a trip to the island nation of Vanuatu, and boy is it good to be back in the island nation of Alameda again, with all of its problems. There was nothing to complain about on vacation! The weather was great, the scenery was gorgeous, the food was mouth-watering, and all of the natives were friendly. Even the in-flight movies were good on the way there and back. I couldn't find a single thing to complain about for days on end, and it nearly drove me crazy! Now I see why that snake of a travel agent gave me such a good deal on this trip…I wasn't even able to complain about the price!

I tell you, I was so desperate to hear the sound of complaining in Vanuatu that I rented a car just so I could park right in front of somebody's house. I got pretty excited when a real live Vanuatuan came out. Just when I thought he was going to start shouting, though, he just smiled and hugged me. I pushed him away, then I pointed at my car, and then at his house. He just laughed and invited me in to taste some coconut crab his family was cooking up. And it was delicious! Can you imagine how frustrating this was for me?!?!

Thank goodness I'm back in Alameda now. I could feel the bitterness starting to flow through my veins again as soon as I got my first glimpse of those Zeppelin mooring masts on top of the new parking garage as they came into view over the horizon. Yes, I am tanned, rested, and ready to dive back into the unspeakable muck of Alameda's dirty politics and the everyday annoyance of so-called traffic calming doohickeys and oh, so many things to complain about!

Sincerely annoyed,
Former City Council Candidate

Developer Drooling Dream Team, the Planning Board Is, Yes!

Editor,

What's wrong with this picture? All of the Mayor's appointed Planning Board Members are on record as wanting to dump Measure Acorn. We have them all on tape, but the tape is so shocking we're not showing it to anybody. You'll have to trust us on this one.

Anyway, this so-called Planning Board insists on oak, walnut and fetid buckeye trees in every project, then complains about "nutty" developments and blames Measure Acorn for what they approved. Everyone knows that those Evil Developers are in league with the Squirrels. Housing, in the middle of nowhere, all nut trees and open fields, no demands on the Evil Developer for creative designs and suddenly the place is overrun by Squirrels playing "bingo," and its their number one poster child example of why we should get rid of Measure Acorn.

Back in my day many award winning and soon to be award winning projects such as Curmudgeon Estates and Grump Landing, which as you well know is the home of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, were developed in compliance with Measure Acorn, not a Squirrel in sight; look at them and see what a good Planning Board can accomplish.

There is a vacancy on the Planning Board and avowed anti-Measure Acorn opponent John…Knox…White has applied. If the Mayor nominates him, Alameda will have its first ever 100% anti-Measure Acorn Planning Board. Alameda has an Evil Developer drooling dream team on the Planning Board composed of high tree density advocates, with a nutty taste in their mouths, who never question Evil Developers assertions of what they must build to appease their secret allies the Squirrels.

Bottom line, Planning Board is appointed and cannot be recalled. Mayor and City Council appoint them; remove them and set a policy of "The Buckeye Stops There".

Janice Lighter-Merv

Protesters Battling "Uninvited and Unwelcome Intruder" Demand Reserved Parking Spaces

Editor,

All Right-Thinking Alamedans know that the hideous parking garage attached to the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is not welcome in our city. It is an uninvited and unwelcome intruder, and we encourage all people to avoid parking in it, and applaud residents and organizations such as Code Grump, that may volunteer to impede, passively or actively, by nonviolent means, the use of any parking garage located in the City of Alameda.

As one of the founding members of the Code Grump, I plan to chain myself to the entrance to prevent anyone from using that monstrosity—which I know nobody will, because nobody goes to the movies or shops on Park St. anymore because there are too many people and too much traffic—but that's beside the point. This is about free speech, after all! The only problem with this plan is that there is no place to park right in front of the garage.

It is ridiculous that my right to protest is in jeopardy because of the short-sighted removal of parking spaces on Oak Street. I hereby demand that our corrupt Mayor and those incompetent boobs on the City Council take action to add parking in front of the garage, and reserve those spaces for Code Grump protesters like myself! I know the bumbling knuckle-draggers in the Public Works department aren't capable of putting up something as simple a "reserved parking" sign without someone drawing them a diagram first, so I have attached one for illustrative purposes.

Zaynie Glower
Subcomandante of Public Relations
Code Grump

Election Roundup: Huckleberry Sweeps the Squirrel Belt!

In yesterday's Super-Duper Tuesday primary, Mike Huckleberry, the only presidential candidate endorsed by both the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel, swept America's Squirrel Belt like a vengeful tornado through a Bushy-Tailed trailer park, taking the states of Arkansas, Georgia, and Tennessee, as well as Alabama and West Virginia.

The only puzzling thing about yesterday's results is that Mr. Hucklebee does not appear to have won any other states. The only possible explanation is fraud, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I imagine there have been widespread reports of voting irregularities: voting machine wiring that was mysteriously chewed through, bushy tails protruding from ballot boxes, and voters subjected to loud, mocking chit-chit-chitting or even pelted with acorns outside the polling places. The only explanation is that Squirrel-hugging traitors John McCain and Mitt Romney formed a secret Sciurine Alliance in an attempt to defeat Mr. Huxtable through fraud and deception, and to split the ill-gotten votes between them. Shame!

Of course, the other puzzling thing about Super-Duper Tuesday is the complete lack of information about the vice-presidential race, in which the Alameda Daily Noose and I urged a vote for Heidi Wilson. We were having some flashbacks to our Civics class at Alameda High School, something about the vice-president not being chosen in the primaries, but we are going to chalk this up to a Sciurine mind-control tactic of implanting false memories. Clearly, the other major news media are buckling under pressure from Big Squirrel and are covering up the story of Miss Wilson's triumph. Shame!

Oh, and there was also something about some lady named Clinton and some guy named Obama. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have no idea what all that was about.

Show the Squirrels Who's Boss: VOTE!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will not be publishing a Tuesday edition this week, because we are too busy keeping our fingers crossed for Mike Hucklebee to win the Presidential primary. His uniquely tough stance on Squirrels makes Mr. Huckleberry the candidate for all right-thinking Alamedans.

Although our main occupation today will be waiting impatiently for the election results to confirm that Mike Huxtable is the winner we know he is, we also anticipate the satisfaction of seeing the casino propositions fail. We're not entirely sure what those propositions would accomplish, but we generally don't like casinos. Mrs. Grumbel likes to go to casinos, but we can't understand what compels her to get on that tour bus every week and go sit around in some smoky place that is probably full of reckless thrill-seekers risking everything they have on the chance of catching Lady Luck's eye. Alameda is much more interesting.

We know it will be hard for our loyal readers to get through the day without any scoops or investigative journalism in the classic sense, but you will just have to be strong until we return on Wednesday. Meanwhile, be sure that when you cast your ballot for Mike Huckleberry that you also write in Heidi Wilson for Vice President. Miss Wilson has not yet contacted the Alameda Daily Noose and me to let us know whether or not she has accepted our impassioned plea for her to enter the race, but your vote can only help convince her if she has not decided to run yet.

Family Rescued After Three-Day Ordeal in Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have never been inside the store ourselves, but we happened to be parking in front of the new Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates on Saturday, when it became the scene of a daring search-and-rescue operation.

According to authorities, it all began last Friday evening, when Dave and Nancy Perdu and their two children, Sierra and Dakota, embarked on what they thought would be a simple trip to the grocery store. Unaccustomed to the massive scale of the Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates, the family took a wrong turn in the bakery section and found themselves traveling down a deserted aisle, surrounded on all sides by a harsh landscape of frozen foods. Before they could turn back, their cart developed a severe case of "wobbly wheel" and crashed into the Totino's Pizza case, leaving the family stranded.

The Perdu family tried to call 911, but they were deep in one of the remote areas of the Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates that are still without cell phone coverage. As darkness fell, they spent a Thursday night huddled around the cart for warmth, hoping to be spotted by a passing shopper.

As Friday passed without any sign of help, the situation grew desperate. Knowing that his family would soon exhaust the last of the meager provisions in their cart, Mr. Perdu decided he had no choice but to set out on his own in hope of reaching civilization before it was too late. Due to the enormous size and confusing layout of the store, he was soon out of earshot of his family.

Meanwhile, a friend who became concerned when Mrs. Perdu failed to show up for their regular Friday pinochle night alerted the authorities. As the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above shows, a U.S. Marines search-and-rescue helicopter, a Red Cross medical van, and two trucks from the Safeway Grocery Emergency Response Team were the first to arrive on the scene. These heroes braved the impossible parking conditions outside the Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates in order to position themselves for a full-scale search of the enormous store.

Unfortunately, rescue efforts were hindered by the fact that the store's ceiling was too low for safe operation of the rescue chopper. "If only it was ten or fifteen feet higher…the kids…" said Marine Aviator Jim Lederhals, visibly shaken, "If…if they don't make it, those pencil-necked bureaucrats on the Planning Board who approved this thing will have blood on their hands!"

With the helicopter hovering helplessly outside, the Grocery Emergency Response Team sent in its pack of bloodhounds. The dogs picked up a strong scent and wound their way through the labyrinth of aisles, but hopes were dashed when they dragged their exhausted handlers first to the butcher's counter, and then to the pet food aisle.

After a full day of fruitless searching, a stroke of luck came in the form of a young stockboy, Darryl Melton, who encountered a disoriented man, near collapse from dehydration, with his right foot stuck in a 2-1/2 gallon tub of Ben & Jerry's Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies Encore Edition. Mr. Melton was able to call for help on his high-powered Safeway-issued walkie-talkie, and the rescue teams then traced the trail of ice cream drips back until they could hear the sobs of the Perdu children still waiting with their mother by their stricken shopping cart.

Following a tearful reunion in the Red Cross van in the parking lot late Sunday, the Perdu family was airlifted to Alameda hospital, where they were treated for dehydration, frostbite, and post-traumatic shopping syndrome. Doctors expect all of the family members to make a full recovery.

Convenient New Bicycle Parking Added on Park Street

We all know how pointless it is to install those so-called bike racks around town, because everybody drives cars. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have heard that some people ride bicycles for fun now and then, but what is one to do when hunger strikes during a purely recreational weekend bicycle jaunt? Now, there is an answer. Park Street business owners have started instituting convenient, lock-free bicycle parking areas right in front of stores that provide much-needed carbohydrates and other touring needs. Since no-one walks anywhere, it's a good thing that what was once wasted sidewalk space will be put to good use this summer. We are sure that Park Street will start removing those ugly bike racks as soon as this new system is well-established.