July 4th: A Day to Celebrate Our Journalistic Independence

As the great island nation of Alameda prepares once again to honor the Alameda Daily Noose and me with its annual parade, we cannot help reflecting modestly upon the many years of service that we have given freely to our Right-Thinking fans, holding aloft the eternal flame of Alamedaness. In that journalistic endeavor, no-one yet has been able to fill our estimable shoes. Not even the mighty Dave Williamson was able to pull our noble editorial pen from the loathsome ash tree of Wrong-Thinking that we had impaled with it. Beset the while by chit-chit-chittering Squirrels as annoying as the notorious Ratatoskr of ancient Noose mythology, young Dave strove with all his strength (except for that which he expended on Miss Grumpy Alameda's publicity) for three months to gain mastery of that pen, even practicing with an electronic simulator, but to no avail. I, Roger Grumbel, was forced to step in again to show the younger generation of Alamedans how it is done.

It is just such masterful decision-making that defines the truly great editor. No set of journalistic rules, however comprehensive, can replace the daring independence of a Noose Man in the Classic Sense. There are times when one must throw off the chafing chains of fact and fly free. There is no telling where true journalistic integrity may take an editor next. Sometimes, it may even lead to some city that is not Alameda, as unexpected as it may seem that there would be anything worth noting outside our Treasured Isle. You need not fear for our safety when we go to such lengths in pursuit of items for publication, for there is always a place reserved in the Noosemobile for our faithful canine companion, Scoop, who will face any danger, with the possible exception of cats and some other things.

But let us not forget that the foundation of any noosepaper worth its salt is a firm grasp of the history of Alameda. The Alameda Daily Noose and I make sure to remind our readers of the details of long-standing institutions that should be common knowledge, such as our Secret Police. Yes, from the time of Alameda's discovery in 1492, up to our current travails under a Bagpipe-hugging President, our every scrap of history must be preserved, perhaps in some of those enormous hangars that were recently discovered in western Alameda.

It is only right that today Alameda should celebrate us, who bring you all of those noose stories and more. Of course, we are too modest to say it ourselves, but it must be obvious that we embody that ancient Alamedan legend: in Alameda's hour of greatest need, a hero braves the leaping magic flames to awaken a sleeping noosepaper. With that hard-won prize, he goes forth to fight the never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Alamedan way.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Becoming Less of a Greenhorn When It Comes to Green Living

I want to thank my readers for the neat tips they sent in on canvas shopping bags. I never would have thought of using them more than once! I'll have to try that out, along with some of those other suggestions.

Thanks to this kind of helpful feedback, I've been discovering that some of the information I gave in my past columns wasn't always 100% right. For example, it turns out that putting a bucket in your shower doesn't work the same way as a plastic laundry ball (not that my laundry ball has been working all that well lately). The way the bucket really works is that it catches the water that you'd usually let run down the drain while you wait for it to warm up. Then you can use that water for something else, like maybe maintaining your water garden. Who knew?

It just goes to show that, no matter how green you think you are, there is always more to learn. So keep striving, green Alamedans! And if those green pick-up lines work for you, you might soon be passing on your earth-friendly wisdom to your own bouncing baby environmentalists.

Roy Avery Doesn't Frighten the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Editor,

You've gone too far this time, Roger Grumbel. You've insulted the honorable clan of bagpipers, of which I am a proud member, by calling us a "bunch of cowards." You'd better run for the hills, Grumbel, because the next time I see you in a safe, well-lighted, public place with plenty of people around, I'll be asking if you want to call me a coward to my face! We'll see who's the coward then.

Roy Avery,
Bagpiper, peat bog afficionado, and staunch supporter of tartan-oriented development

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit frightened by Roy Avery's threat. We feel perfectly safe here at the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, and have been peeking outside at frequent intervals to make sure that we really are safe. Besides, Roy Avery knows that if he ever tried something as reprehensible as speaking to us in public, we would slap a restraining order on him faster than you can say "huge, intimidating Scotsman who must stand at least 5' 4", and who smells menacingly of bluebells and daffodils."

Jean Kerkwilligers is Worried about How Worried to Be about Bagpipes

Dear Roger,

It seems like it's been months since you reported on the Bagpipe situation in Alameda. I'm starting to forget how I'm supposed to feel about Bagpipes, and reading that confusing book by Alameda author Danielle MacSteele didn't help.

Could you please let me know how worried I should be about Bagpipes? Lately, I've been having to do most of my worrying and complaining about Zeppelins instead.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

You can be sure that if there had been any untoward Bagpipe in Alameda recently, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would have reported on it. Obviously, we have those tartan-wrapped ruffians, the Bagpipers, on the run. That bunch of cowards must have been driven right out of town by our unrelenting critiques. Their ear-splitting racket was no match for our journalistic integrity, which just proves the old Alamedan maxim that the pen is mightier than the chanter.

One-Third of Alameda Breathes Sigh of Relief after Mighty Hunter Bags Mammon-Eating Beast

Editor,

My fellow Alamedans will be relieved to know that I have returned unscathed from my most recent tax hunting safari. As we all know, the tyranny of ferocious tax beasts has long forced us all to enjoy social services that we do not even desire. Only when every one of the savage monsters has been eradicated will we be free from public schools, paved roads, waste collection and countless other wasteful services. Therefore, I sally out as often as I can (without unduly worrying my wife) to confront the dangers of taxation and bring them to the ground.

This time, I managed to bag the King of the Fiscal Jungle, the vicious, notorious Measure E. This is a victory in the fight against predatory taxation. Some say that Measure E was able to swallow an entire bank account in a single bite, although I feel sure that it would have choked had it tried that with my bank account.

Although it may seem amazing that I can defeat a fearsome tax beast single-handedly, the truth is that the lone tax hunter is assured of victory in any one-on-one battle. Only if there are two or more of them against one is it time to retreat and live to fight another tax another day. Don't listen to those bleeding hearts who oppose the wholesale slaughter of taxes. We must destroy as many of the creatures as we can if we are ever to achieve fair taxation. I welcome any red-blooded Alamedan who cares to join me on my next tax-hunting expedition.

Ned Elksfield

Bright, Young Marketing Maven Loves the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor,

Good Afternoon! My name is Ashley and I’m part of the Promotions Team here at racksandstandsrus.com. We have been seeking out high quality websites and blogs, gauging interest in doing a giveaway with one of our sites. We love the look and feel of your blog and think that your US and Canadian readers might be interested in a giveaway with our sites.

Have a look at a couple of our sites and let me know if you think that this might be something you’d be interested in. Perhaps we could give away a selection of our racks and stands! I’d be happy to brainstorm some other ideas with you if you’re interested. Alternatively you could do a review of something from our site. Please let me know if you have any questions for me. I hope to hear from you to further discuss the details of the giveaway.

Kind Regards,

Ashley

**Please note: If are unable to reply to this message for any reason, please email my alternate email address at completelylegitimatebusiness@geemail.com and I will get back to you. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are sure that many of our readers are likely to be in need of a source for high-quality racks and stands. We are seriously considering ordering some and writing reviews of them, since we are so adept at reviewing things. Don't feel that you have to wait for our reviews before purchasing any racks and/or stands for yourself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have legendary levels of sales resistance, so you can be sure that when we are interested in a product or service, it's not because we are swayed by the girlish charms of some slick, unprincipled wheeler-dealer. We can tell from her naive use of asterisks that Ashley is an innocent, straightforward type who could use a few pointers on the rack and stand business from an experienced reviewer.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Shopping Green with Canvas Bags

Hey, everybody! I recently learned that doing your shopping with your own canvas bags is better for the environment than those paper ones they give out at the stores, and they're even more planet-friendly than plastic bags. Why? Well, I'm not sure about that part yet, but I've noticed that canvas is nice and sturdy. They don't tear when you put heavy or sharp-cornered things in them, and they're easier to lift in and out of your hybrid SUV thanks to those substantial handles. I'm especially eager to use the clean, green bag I picked up at one of our fine local businesses, because it advertises the importance of supporting environmental superstar countries like China by buying their products in our local stores.


The only problem I've had with canvas bags so far is that they take up a lot more room in my trash containers than the plastic ones. There must be a solution to this. Maybe my readers have some suggestions. If so, I'll be sure to pass them along to the rest of you.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 63 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, May 18, 2010

Editor's Comments:

City staff seems determined to go on and on about plans to develop Alameda Point, even though the electorate, by voting down Measure B this spring, soundly rejected the idea of ever changing anything at the former naval air station. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are amazed that the City still cannot get this fact through their skulls!


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 10, 2010

City of Alameda Public Utilities Board, May 17, 2010

Editor's Comments:

If we can just pass proposition 16 in the election next week, this could be the last Public Utilities Board interwebcast we ever have to sit through! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't wait to join other Right-Thinking voters in wresting control of the clean coal content of our power away from those fat cats at Alameda Muniserable Power.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, April 28, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 24, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 1, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The City Council as good as admitted that the parking garage has turned out to be a complete failure and should be torn down. Of course, even the most Right-Thinking among them were too timid to suggest that sensible course of action, but they acknowledged that the garage hasn't brought in as much revenue as expected, which amounts to the same thing.


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, May 26, 2010

Editor's Comments:

We can't decide whether the footage of boats is more boring than the meetings with people droning on about public transportation, but it's high time the City stopped holding these Transformation Committee meetings altogether.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 4, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, June 14, 2010

Special Planning Board Meeting, June 21, 2010


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 26, 2010

Special ARRA Meeting - AP Environmental Update, May 6, 2010

That'll Teach 'Em!

Editor,

I hear that the preliminary results on the Measure E parcel tax show it losing by a whopping 1.28% of the vote so far. I just couldn't be happier! It's about time we stuck it to those greedy school kids. The nearly 1/3 of Alamedans who are tired of having to always pay taxes that supposedly provide "public services" are tired of being pushed around by the 2/3 of voters who want to waste our money on decadent extras like paying teachers enough to live on. Why, in my day, teachers were always starving to death in their unheated attic rooms, and I ended up getting a perfectly good education from those starving teachers.

It's obvious that there is a lot of fraud, waste and abuse in the school system, because it makes up such a large part of the state budget. But if Measure E is defeated, we'll be well on our way to a bright new future of the good, old-fashioned one-room schoolhouse, where the students can darn well chop their own desks up for firewood to stay warm instead of expecting us to always pay for expensive heating systems. That'll teach 'em!

Georgina Jones

Keep Up with the Latest Squirrel Strategems

As Right-Thinking Alamedans are well aware, the Global War on Squirrels requires all of us to stay on our toes to keep up with the latest strategems of our crafty enemy. We are at constant risk from suicide Squirrels, and we can only hope that the next one will take as few of us with him (or her!) as the unsuccessful one in the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo below.

Yes, the image is chilling. To take off that chill, we advise you to read up on anti-Squirrel tactics now, before your own automobile has a run-in with one of these ruthless kamikazes. Thanks to an tip from an astute Alameda Daily Noose reader, we can heartily recommend starting with the book Squirrel Wars by George H. Harrison, perhaps followed by Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels by Bill Adler, Jr.

Start reading as soon as you can. Both the seed and the safety of Alameda may hang in the balance.

Brenda Snook Says Community Needs to Get Creative to Fund Education

Editor,

I believe that every child should have the opportunity for a free, public education, but this parcel tax we're supposed to be voting on is the wrong way to fund it. It's a complicated issue, which is why the City should put a moratorium on public education for a year or two, to give us time to figure out what would be a fair way to pay for it.

So, if we all just vote against Measure E, then we can start over and get people involved in the process this time. Maybe the community can come up with some really creative ways of funding public education, preferably without anyone having to pay taxes for it.

Brenda Snook

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Recycling Your Summer Fun!

Happy summer, everyone! I know I'm a little early, since it won't be the official first day of summer until Monday, but it's the perfect time for some summer green living tips.

Usually at this time of year, I'd be getting ready to load the family into the hybrid SUV for a trip to Yosemite or to Disneyland, but have you seen how much it costs to get a whole family into Disneyland these days? I am seriously interested in saving some of that green for other things this year, like our suddenly-readjusted mortgage.

That's why I've come up with a better plan for family fun this summer: we'll just rehash our old vacations! There are plenty of photos from other trips that we can look at together to relive the excitement as a family.

We can say to the kids, "Remember the time when we went to Disneyland and spent half our time in the cinema, because after that we went on a ride, and Chad felt sick afterwards, and then he threw up and we all ended up going home because it turned out he was coming down with the flu? Wasn't that a lot of fun?"

Wow! I could really get used to this armchair traveling, and I'm sure the kids will love it too. So why not get started today with saving some green by recycling your family vacations?

Bah! Global Grumpiness Summit to be Held in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just heard that a conference on grumpiness is scheduled to be held this fall on the U.S.S. Hornet. Apparently, the main goal of the conference is to "identify the 10 things we can do over the next 10 years to raise the Global Grumpiness Index (GGI) by 10 points." Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I can see the value of increasing Global Grumpiness, the conference organizers obviously didn't consider the horrible traffic impacts that they will have on our Treasured Island when all of those outsiders drive through town on their way to the Hornet.


As one can easily see from the photo below, showing the participants in the first annual Global Grumpiness Summit a number of years ago, Alameda could very well have a few things to teach the conference about Grump. Despite the fearsome facial hair and defensive postures of some of the individuals in the photo, certain of them look almost cheerful. Right-Thinking Alamedans could quickly put an end to that. However, any possible benefits to them of holding the conference here would be outweighed by the enormous imposition on those of us who live in Alameda.


That means it is time for us to use the power of our grumpiness. If enough Alamedans start complaining about the conference right now, we might be able to save them the trouble of holding it at all; Alameda is already responsible for a larger percentage of the world's Grump than any other comparably-sized city, so if we double our output, we could probably raise that index by 10 points in no time. The Alameda Daily Noose and I already do our part, so it's up to our less-diligent readers to pick up the slack and get grumpy.

Annoying Phone Calls, Letters and Yard Signs

Editor,

I support Measure E to fund Alameda schools, but I'm sick of students calling me on the phone to remind me to vote for it. I'm also sick of getting fliers about it in the mail, and seeing letters about it in the local papers and signs on people's front lawns. And I can't stand it that people are talking about Measure E wherever I go.

Why can't the schools just run a nice, quiet campaign instead of getting in everyone's face with annoying methods like public advertising and word-of-mouth?

Misty Poynte

Editor's Comments:

Although we are puzzled by Miss Pointy's inexplicable stance on Measure E, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit that she has hit the nail on the head when it comes to annoying political campaigns. There should really be some kind of law against people urging other people to vote for -- or even against -- ballot measures.

Coho Jenkins Just Can't Wait for Alameda Daily Noose Election Guide

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been told that a certain Mr. Jenkins has been making noises about not having enough information for the June primary (he also seems a little confused about the election date, much as Brenda Snook was). We certainly understand that all of those candidates and propositions can be confusing if you don't have a firm grasp on the Right-Thinking way to make voting choices. That's why the Alameda Daily Noose Generic election guide is indispensible for just about any election. We were going to wait until closer to election day to re-publish our famous guide, but since there is such a demand for it, here it is now:

Governor

Vote for the fresh-thinking outsider who will root out the rampant fraud, waste and abuse in government, solving our budget problems once and for all. Look for the man (or woman) of action, who won't just think outside the box, but will blow up all of the boxes, making it impossible for anyone to think inside them again, and leaving other politicians blinking in the unaccustomed light of day. If we could only just once elect such a governor, we'd be out of this mess in no time.

Lieutenant Governor

Just vote randomly on this one. Nobody even knows what the Lieutenant Governor does, so it can't make any difference who we choose.

U.S. Representative

Vote for the candidate who is not a fruitcake.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!

Judicial

Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.

School

Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

County Supervisor

Vote for the candidate who is not an evil robot. If all of the candidates are evil robots, vote for the one who is a good evil robot.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:
Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:
Raises taxes.
Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
Sounds suspicious (it is).
Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.

Flag Day, Alameda Style

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan knows which flag to fly highest today, of course, but let's not forget about the other fine flag traditions in our city. This is a great day to display symbols of community values such as our solidarity against Squirrels:


And, those who live in certain neighborhoods may want to send a reminder to their neighbors to respect the peaceful sanctity of the holiday by refraining from excessive noise-making:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will be flying all of these flags proudly today, and more. It's a great day to be an Alamedan.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Turn Green While Getting Rid of Unwanted Oil

Forgive me if I'm not my usual chipper self today. I've been losing some sleep over the oil spill that is still going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Every time I close my eyes, I see those oil-covered birds again. It makes me feel green around the gills, and not in a good way. Just when I think that I have a lid on my anxiety, and that everything is going to be okay, more bad news comes pouring out of the gulf. I sometimes wonder if there will ever be an end to it.

But then, thank goodness, there was a bright spot in the news recently: BP is going to start burning some of the spilled oil to prevent it from polluting the ocean!

I was amazed to hear that. I'd never thought of burning oil to dispose of it. When my husband and I change the oil in our hybrid SUV, we usually just pour it down the storm drain (I know there are signs telling you not to, but everybody does it anyway, right?). Now that BP has shown that burning oil is better than dumping it in the water, though, I think I'll try that next time we change our oil. It's hard to believe that all of that yucky-looking black smoke is okay for the planet, but it must be, right? RIGHT??

Frieda Bellows Questions Need to Keep Alameda Schools Open

Editor,

I keep hearing people say that we should pass the Measure E parcel tax so that we can keep all of Alameda's schools open. But how can we be sure that there will be any teachers to teach in those schools? The state of California keeps cutting our funds for teachers, so eventually there probably won't be any teachers.

Sure, it would be nice to keep having schools in Alameda, for people who like their children to be educated (although I personally don't think education is really necessary now that you can look up everything on the interwebs). But we don't really have any control over whether there will be teachers for those schools. It might be better if we just accept that kids in the future are going to have to learn everything from their computers, and stop trying to plan our community around schools.

Frieda Bellows

Lon Geddoff Tries a New Kind of Doughnut

Dear Editor,

As you no doubt are aware, I like donuts. I just wanted you and your readers to know what happened to me this morning.

I was taking my usual morning constitutional, which consists of me getting into my XXL-sized diesel King-Cab truck, driving over to The Donut Hole over on Encinal Avenue, and picking up a dozen donuts for my brunch enjoyment. Well, I was running a little late this morning because of really interesting report on "Wake Up Alameda" about non-Alamedans sneaking past a lackadaisical border patrol with the intent of causing harm to us. By the time I got to the Donut Hole, they were out of my usual Powdered-sugar-dusted cinnamon donuts. At first I was outraged, but then I realized that I didn't have any choice in the matter -- what would I be without my morning pick-me-up -- so I opted for all that was left, the coconut sprinkle flavor. The owner kindly threw in an extra one for me to try and make up for my dismay. (making it a "baker's dozen" -- get it? He is a baker, and I got a "baker's dozen" donuts from him!)

Anyway, what I wanted to report was that I found that this new flavor was absolutely delicious! I had no idea that I had been missing out on this for the last 36 years since my beloved dachshund passed away and I started this morning ritual to fill the gap in my life. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should change over to getting coconut-sprinkle every day, or should I go back to my normal flavor, or should I do something really daring and try a completely DIFFERENT flavor tomorrow and all the days to come? Perhaps you or your readers can give me some advice.

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are dedicated to bringing our readers late-breaking developments in the Alameda doughnut situation such as the cinnamon-sugar crisis Lon Geddoff mentions. We hope that our readers will have some suggestions for helping him through this difficult time. For example, when I go to The Donut Hole, I like to get a fresh-baked Alamedian, because it reminds me of John F. Kennedy's famous statement of solidarity with the citizens of our embattled island: "I am an Alamedian." We all knew that he meant he was an Alamedan, and not a type of doughnut named for our city, but it's still funny to think of a doughnut being our leader.

Brenda Snook Is the One Who Is Confused about June Election Dates

Rog,

I think you may have gotten the dates of the two different June elections confused in your yard sign round-up. The primary, which is the election with all those propositions, is actually this week, on the 8th, not on the 27th, which I don't think is even a Tuesday, by the way. The school parcel tax ballots are the ones that need to be mailed by sometime near the end of the month, to stop them from over-taxing us even more.

It's understandable that you made a mistake, considering how complicated this month is, voting-wise, but that's all the more reason not to get people even more mixed up with inaccurate information. Could you please publish a correction so that all of your readers will be sure to get their votes in?

Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

We know we shouldn't have to keep repeating this, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I never make mistakes. We don't know where Brenda got the idea that we had confused two different election dates, but she is welcome to go to her polling place today if she believes that it's time to vote already.