So Tell Me, Johnny, Have You Been a Right-Thinking Little Alamedan This Year?

Yes, it's the time of year once again, when people all over Alameda are thinking of that certain someone who's been watching over them, keeping track of who behaves well and who crosses that line that might get their names put on a less-favorable list. They've been busy writing him letters and sending them off to his remote and mysterious base of operations, eagerly anticipating a response to their entreaties. Every night they go to bed dreaming of how they will rush down the stairs in the morning to discover the surprising and delightful treasures, all wrapped up in bright, colorful packaging, that have appeared as if by magic while they slept.

It is therefore with heavy heart that the Alameda Daily Noose and I must inform you that we will not be publishing our usual hard-hitting Monday edition next week. It's been a busy year, what with so many people being naughty enough to earn one of our signature tch-tch-tch-ings, so we will be taking Tuesday off, too. In fact, we've been so good this year that we deserve a nice long stretch of private time, so we'll be on Holiday Hiatus until our triumphant return on January 2nd.

Of course it will be hard for you to get along without us, but please, be strong. If you have trouble making it through the Hiatus, you can always revisit a classic Noose item, such as our beloved and timeless Fourth of July, Labor Day, Columbus Day, and Thanksgiving specials.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I wish you and all your Right-Thinking friends and family a Very Contrary Christmas, a Chutzpah-Filled Chanukah, a Querulous Kwanzaa, a Cynical Solstice, and a Grumpy New Year!

Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 10,000th Visitor

Yesterday, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcomed the 10,000th visitor to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. We're not sure whether this visitor was a "new bee" (which is what the kids today call a greenhorn on the interwebs) beholding our site for the first time, or a grizzled veteran pressing the "refresh" button on his browser for the 100th time, hoping to see some thrilling dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. It might even have been one of those "Spam Boughts," which we understand are so-called secret shoppers for large processed meat conglomerates who scour the interwebs for the latest prices on canned spiced pork products. Well, Mr. Spam Bought, it's only $2.27 at the Dusty Shelves Market, where the Alameda Daily Noose and I shop for those delicacies we can't seem to find at that hippie grocery store.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right, the 10,000th visitor! Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I are far too modest to boast about it, we are simply bursting with pride over the fact that nearly one seventh of every man, woman, and child in Alameda has visited our site, or pushed the "refresh" button, or checked the price of canned pork. We would say we couldn't have done it without you, our loyal readers, but the truth is that you couldn't have done it without us!

Super Scoop! of Truth about Cats and Dogs

Have you ever noticed that cats are different from dogs?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I made this shocking discovery shortly after our neighbor, Mildred Bolus, asked us to cat-sit for her while she and her husband were away on some kind of silly "marriage retreat" cruise to someplace that was most definitely not Alameda. We know, we know, we tried to talk her into vacationing here in Alameda—as all Right-Thinking Alamedans do—but for some strange reason, her husband would have none of it; in fact, if the Alameda Daily Noose and I didn't know better, we would have sworn he was angry with us!

At any rate, after a week of looking after those frisky felines, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have yet another super scoop for our readers: We hate cats.

Unlike dogs, which are intelligent and loyal, much like the Alameda Daily Noose and me, cats are stupid and selfish. They get fixated on the most trivial things, like pieces of string, birds, Squirrels, and that incredibly boring so-called expert Bernanke they keep showing on C-SPAN. When they aren't caught up in silly minutiae like that, cats are either sleeping or eating, or strutting around like they own the place, and everyone else is just an intruder encroaching on their petty little territory. They won't fetch, and they sometimes even claw you when you try to tussle with them. The nerve!

In contrast, our faithful lapdog, Scoop, has never so much as raised a paw against anyone or anything other than the Alameda Fish Wrap, which is his sworn enemy. He has the good sense to know who is boss, and will sit quietly until called upon for a reprise of our favorite tricks. Scoop is also civilized enough to do his business outdoors, in our neighbors' yard, which means no smelly indoor litter box for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to clean up.

We will sure be glad when Mildred and what's-his-name get back from their vacation. If it weren't for the great cookies that Mildred brings us—especially those ones with the red and green sugar that she makes this time of year—it wouldn't be worth our time to take care of her stupid, stubborn, arrogant, ungrateful cats. Don't tell her we said that, though. We wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, because then she might not bake us cookies anymore.

5:19 a.m.: Scoop! "Phantom" to A.C.L.O.: "Pay Back What You Owe!"

Editor's Note: Above is an excerpt from a strange note that was attached to a brick and thrown through the window of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. We knew right then that we had a story so hot that we took the extraordinary step of stopping the presses on the latest gripping golf-related press release from the City and clearing the journalistic deck for this bombshell. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not sure, but we think the note has something to do with the strange goings-on in Alameda's Kofman Auditorium on which we reported last week. In order to spare our readers a severe case of eyestrain, the Alameda Daily Noose and I dutifully transcribed the entire note, which reads as follows:

MY DEaR, SWeET, TeNDeR eDITOR:

PLEASe uSE YOUr GREAt iNFLUeNCe To COnVINce The A.c.L.O. tO cOMPlY WITh The foLlOWInG DeMANDS, alL OF WhiCH I WRotE, ALL By MySeLf:

PAy BACK WhAT YOU OWe

OR ELSe YOU WiLL NEVER See YOUR PreCIouS hEARiNg AID DEvices FoR The HEARinG iMPAiReD AGAiN!

iDIotS! yOu SHoUld HAve BOLTeD THOsE DEViCEs DOWN WHeN yOU "iNSTALLeD" THEM!

fOOLS! yOU Do noT kNOW WhO YOu Are DEALIng WITH!

iN FACT SOMETiMes i MYSElF DO nOT kNOW!

Ha HA HA "HA"!

SiGneD, YOUrs tRULy,
The PhANToM

Evil Developer Performs Secret Test of Transportation Solution for Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I went out to get a big "Scoop!" of delicious iced cream the other day when we spotted this shocking display in the window of that place that sells fudge and exotic Italian hair gel in all of those unusual colors. As you can see from the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, we caught the Evil Developer of Alameda Point performing a secret test of that fancy new transportation solution they've been hinting at lately.

Apparently, the plan is to construct a cute chalet in the heart of Alameda Point, and another nearly identical chalet high in the Oakland Hills, nestled in a huge field of artificial snow. Colorful little cars will then whisk commuters to the summit, where they will strap on skis and schuss their way to their destinations throughout the Bay Area.

Although we hate to give an Evil Developer credit for anything, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit his scheme does appear to have a few advantages. First of all, it involves cute architecture, so it is sure to be a hit in Alameda. Second, the choice of a station high in the Oakland Hills has the advantage of keeping commuters suspended high above all of the unpleasant public transportation that runs through that Neighboring City That Is Not Alameda.

Although we are sure the whole thing will never work—those little cars looked awfully flimsy to us!—we are glad the Evil Developer has finally realized that Right-Thinking Alamedans greatly prefer fresh air, the scent of pine, and the crunch of newly fallen snow to those nasty, smelly buses and noisy, crowded trains.

Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Can't Even Get Sign on Right Side of Street

Rog,

I've found another problem with Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

I happen to live on Central avenue, near Versayalls. A few evening ago, I was on my way to my car to drive over to Starbucks, when I noticed that the horrendous "ALAMEDA" neon sign had been lit up. That in itself is worth complaining about, because how dare they use the name of OUR town to name THEIR theater? But what shocked me was that the big developers from out of town had put up the sign on the WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET. Yes, the neon erection is on the SOUTH side of the street, not the north side where the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex is.

I had to take a picture of this before they realize their mistake and move it back to the correct side of the street. Please forgive the photographer's shaky hand, but I think you can see perfectly here that the sign (the pink thing) is too far to the left.

If you don't believe this, try it for yourselves! Take a little trip past my house toward Park street and you will see that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex has provided us with yet another reason for everybody to hate it!

Warm Regards,

Pamela Mirabelle

Scoop! Of Brazilians Who Are Nuts about the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are accustomed to fan mail from every far-flung corner of our Treasured Island, but it's not every day that one of our Brazilian readers chimes in. We were pleasantly surprised recently when we received this message from an avid devotee in South America, who we imagine looks absolutely stunning in feathers:

CresceNet said...

Oi, achei seu blog pelo google está bem interessante gostei desse post. Gostaria de falar sobre o CresceNet. O CresceNet é um provedor de internet discada que remunera seus usuários pelo tempo conectado. Exatamente isso que você leu, estão pagando para você conectar. O provedor paga 20 centavos por hora de conexão discada com ligação local para mais de 2100 cidades do Brasil. O CresceNet tem um acelerador de conexão, que deixa sua conexão até 10 vezes mais rápida. Quem utiliza banda larga pode lucrar também, basta se cadastrar no CresceNet e quando for dormir conectar por discada, é possível pagar a ADSL só com o dinheiro da discada. Nos horários de minuto único o gasto com telefone é mínimo e a remuneração do CresceNet generosa. Se você quiser linkar o Cresce.Net(www.provedorcrescenet.com) no seu blog eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. If is possible add the CresceNet(www.provedorcrescenet.com) in your blogroll, I thank. Good bye friend.

December 9, 2007 11:05 AM

It's been a few years since we were in Rio, so our Portuguese is a little rusty, but it's clear that our new friend finds our investigative reporting both interesting and enjoyable. He is apparently able to access it through Crisco.Net, which is the South American equivalent of the Interweb especially for those who are into cooking with delicious shortening. People in more than 2,100 cities in Brazil are willing to pay us 20 cents an hour to read the kind of journalistic masterpieces that are otherwise hard to come by in the wilds of the Amazon. We are glad that we can provide them with that opportunity, and will welcome the much needed funds for the Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda.

"Phantom" Seeks to Undermine Alameda Civic Light Opera

Dear Mr. Grumbel:

I am writing to enlist the help of your readership, which I understand is vast, in apprehending the individual responsible for disrupting the operations of the Alameda Civic Light Opera in Alameda's Kofman Auditorium.

It all began about a year ago, when members of our company reported hearing what sounded like overwrought strains of 1980's synthesizer pop emanating from deep within the bowels of the theater. Later, a series of increasingly mysterious notes was found pinned up around the hall, full of runaway underlining, spurious "quotation marks," unexpected italics, Odd Capitalization, ALL CAPITALS, and even "combinations" THEREOF. These rambling missives threatened the A.C.L.O. with ruin if we did not "pay back what [we] owe," apparently in recompense for some tragic event that befell this individual many years ago. The formal tone of the notes only imperfectly masked the writer's vehement disdain for all of the A.C.L.O.'s efforts.

In our defense, I must point out that the A.C.L.O. has suffered a series of unexpected hardships that have affected our ability to fund quality performances. After viewing a hard-hitting investigative report of damage from flooding due to burst pipes in the Alameda Museum, the A.C.L.O. decided to inspect its basement as a precautionary measure. First we discovered a long hallway illuminated by a series of non-standard lighting fixtures. Then we nearly stepped in a pile of…evidence that a large animal of some kind was being quartered in one of the subterranean chambers. Finally, the plumber we hired was alarmed to discover huge quantities of water—almost like an underground river—in a previously unexplored sub-basement deep beneath Kofman Auditorium. The poor plumber was startled by a blast of synthesizer music followed by sinister laughter and a haunting voice crying out for repayment of some terrible debt. Just before he dropped his flashlight and fled the scene, he could have sworn he saw something not unlike a barge floating in the murky water.

The public can rest assured, however, that the A.C.L.O. will take precautions to prevent moisture and rogue animals from damaging performance facilities, and that the lighting fixtures will be brought up to code as soon as possible, despite the great expense. Furthermore, it is not true, as rumors have suggested, that the company is in danger of running out of sopranos. Only a few of our lead singers have, in fact, disappeared, and our talented understudies have always proved themselves more than equal to the task of stepping in on short notice.

We urge anyone with information about what some have called a "phantom" presence in the basement of Kofman Auditorium to contact the A.C.L.O. at 864-2256.

Sincerely Yours,
Len "Bossman" Paris, on behalf of the A.C.L.O. Board of Directors

Scoop! Startling Footage Smuggled Out of Bushy-Tailed Terrorist Training Camp

Roger,

This documentary on the coming Rodent invasion is very scary. The newsteam infiltrates a Squirrel Terrorist Training Camp and provides some startling footage. The determination of these mangy threats is admirable while also disturbing. The story then follows the Terrorists right to the shores of one our nations biggest cities. This is why we need Measure Acorn, to stop the Squirrel insurgency.

Windemere Blovias

Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

It is important for members of our community to recognize worthy achievements within the community, wherever they may be found. That is why Inaction Alameda has spent long hours to put together a Report Card evaluating last week's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, which, coincidentally, was also authored by Inaction Alameda. It's available here:

REPORT CARD
Thorough Research	A+
Hard-Hitting Analysis	A+
Fair and Balanced Objectivity	A+
Modesty	A+
Not Muddying the Water with "Facts"	A+
Alamedaness	A++

Rog, I hope you will continue your soon-to-be-award-winning investigative reporting on boondoggles such as the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates in downtown mainland Alameda which is attached to the historic and minimally-refurbished Alameda Theatre. I have a feeling that there might be an "A+" with a shiny gold star in your future!

Dave Williamson

Inaction Alameda's Report Card Gives 5 "F"s to Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

Does anybody remember the Great Depression? This is the direction our current Mayor is taking us on - down a path where ultimately we will have to roll wheelbarrows full of money down to Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel just to buy a single pat of butter. It's unconscionable.

Don't believe me? Read our report card on the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. It's available here:

REPORT CARD
Height	F
Number of Parking Spaces	F
Ownership and Operation	F
Vertical Columns and Shear Walls	F
Concrete Masonry Units (CMU)	F

We are not making this up! All of it is based on supporting documentation provided by the City of Alameda itself, right here in this so-called "fact" sheet and these supposed "minutes" of a quote-unquote "council meeting" held earlier this year. We, too, are amazed that the City would leave this kind of explosive stuff just lying around, considering how bad it makes them look. Perhaps if they weren't such a bunch of incompetent boobs they would have anticipated that Inaction Alameda would use the data to give them this scathing indictment.

Does this phenomenal carelessness prove that democracy is crumbling beneath our feet, and our community is about to plunge into a dark age in which citizens are all herded into work gangs and made to haul huge concrete blocks into place to build towering pyramids in honor of the very officials that some of us so foolishly "elected" not long ago? Possibly.

Dave Williamson

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka Defends His, Um, Friend

My Fair, Balanced Editor:

How fortunate that Walter Drib has provided me with an opportunity to refute the claims that I exaggerate about the Sun-Blotting intentions of our City government. I have – never, not even once, exaggerated in my life – and I am not prone to making blanket statements of any kind without being absolutely sure that I am 110% correct in my beliefs.

First Mr. Drib makes all kinds of salacious suggestions about my relationship with a certain former Ennui Board member whose name I shall not sully by dragging poor Marlene into this tawdry affair. I assure Mr. Drib that this person and I are merely Good Friends, nothing more. I will have Mr. Drib know that the rumors he has heard are groundless. If he must know, I was visiting her sick mother. She was sick for quite some time, and to this day she suffers frequent relapses, the Poor Dear. I ask him, does he begrudge me the fact that I accepted Miss Verloren's, er, I mean, this person's generous offer of breakfast and a cigarette after one or two of these extended Sympathy Calls?

And I believe that Mr. Drib is entirely mistaken in his opinion of a certain former Ennui Board member's worthiness. There is no one better qualified to serve on that board than Marlene, I mean that unnamed person – is, and her lack of attendance at meetings was proof of that. Anyone with even a passing familiarity with the concept of "ennui" would understand that arriving bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for each and every one of these tedious, banal exercises in Bureaucracy known as "meetings" – when one could instead be sitting in a dark cafe sipping Absinthe, chain smoking and contemplating the utter futility of Existence, would demonstrate that one was entirely unfit to serve on the Ennui Board.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Walter Drib's Open Letter to Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka Re: Creation of a "Solar Panel"

Editor,

As someone who has served on the City's Ennui Board for several years, I object to Milhouse K. "Grr" Sanka's description of boards and commissions in general as "useless," and further implying that their being useless is necessarily a bad thing. One ought to be leery of anything that is too useful, after all, as I know well from my efforts on the Ennui Board to prevent excessive change in Alameda.

The formation of boards and commissions is a well-recognized means of delaying many types of possible change, so I am hard-pressed to understand why Mr. Sanka would object to a new one, unless perhaps he is still resentful on behalf of a certain former Ennui Board member who is close to him. If this former member had attended some of the meetings, maybe she would still be on the board.

Mr. Sanka's accusations regarding plans to blot out the sun are undoubtedly grossly exaggerated, and influenced heavily by his continued bitterness over the Ennui Board incident.

Walter Drib

5:02 a.m.: Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka's Open Letter to Mayor and Councilmembers

My Dear, Honorable, Elected Officials:

Recently I became aware of a Sinister Plan being promoted by Alameda Power & Telecom to create yet another useless City Board and/or Commission called the "Solar Panel," which would erect an Infernal Machine to blot out the sun and then charge our homeowners outrageous rates for electricity to light our domiciles, to say nothing of cable television and interweb videos to watch during those long days of permanent darkness. In fact, the foundation for the Sun-Blotting Device to be controlled by the "Solar Panel" is already in place, ingeniously disguised as a combination parking garage and Zeppelin port. How do I know this? I know this because I read about it in an objective and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper – not in one of those local fish wraps and dog trainers run by interlopers with preset convictions – and no history of life in our great city. So, without further adieu:

1. I urge you, My Sweet, Tender, Elected Officials, not to open the so-called "Pandora's Box" by approving the creation of this "Solar Panel." Once the "Pandora's Box" is opened, it's very difficult to get "Pandora" back inside. And as I mentioned earlier, the foundation of the Sun-Blotting Device is already in place, which leaves only the opening of the so-called "Box" between us and Certain Doom. Do we want a bunch of non-elected Pencil-Necked Bureaucrats controlling our Sun? Hardly! Read on.

2. Some have alleged that my concern over the "Solar Panel" has become a personal Crusade, my "so-called goal in life." What blundering idiots! My goal(s) in my life, after treading this planet for nearly as many years as there are words in one of my shorter Grumpy Letters to the Editor, surely have been/are/undoubtedly shall remain greater in magnitude than that which you would otherwise assume.

3. My verified career accomplishments – intramural, interpersonal and interdepartmental are manifold – I have eaten Squirrels for breakfast, I have defended Grand St. against none other than John…Knox…White, I have been to the Gates of Hell and back and I have even been to Oakland.

4. My unverified career accomplishments – interstate, international and intergalactic, including defeating a horde of bagpiping "Measure Angus" opponents with one hand tied behind my back and no earplugs, traveling as a Soldier of Fortune to war-torn lands and Parking in Front of the Houses of Infamous Dictators and negotiating a peace treaty with an army of hostile alien invaders will attest to the fact that my energies have been/are/always will be devoted to protecting Truth, Justice and the Alamedan Way – not abusing them.

5. Wait, what was I talking about again?

6. Oh right, the "Solar Panel." Let me add, I did not seek publicity on my efforts and success. Well, other than the multiple Grumpy Letters to the Editor I wrote to one fair and balanced and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. Oh, and other than that one front-page story in the Alameda Puppy Trainer. To this day, few know of my efforts other than the Alameda Daily Noose and Rog. Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the honors and accolades you undoubtedly wish to bestow upon me.

7. Not even if you beg me.

8. Well, OK, maybe if you really grovel and put your heart into it.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Says One Good Tern Deserves Another…But Three's an OUTRAGE!

Roger,

How can citizens just stand by while the developers of Alameda Point are planning to exploit the Least Tern Density Bonus to turn our island into a nightmare of San Francisco style high-rise wildlife preservation? Would YOU want to live next door to a 200-unit subsidized Tern nesting facility? Think of the noise! And no parked car would be safe in that neighborhood, unless you could afford the astronomical car-washing bills. Some of us love our families too much to spend that much money cleaning Least Tern leavings off of our cars.

There is already more Tern traffic in Alameda than anywhere else in the Bay Area. Enough is enough! If people want to provide living space for Least Terns at the Point, they can build single, or at most, double nesting spots, but stacking Terns on top of each other is inhumane both for the Terns and for us! I am OUTRAGED that anyone would even imagine suggesting that we sacrifice our way of life to satisfy the avian accomodation industry, colloquially known as "Big Bird."

They say birds of a feather flock together…but let them do it somewhere else!

Yours in Outrage,
Donald Kirkland