Alameda Daily Noose Goes Prime Time

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce yet another important milestone in our relentless march to journalistic integrity and beyond. Last night, at 10:56 PM Pacific Daylight Time, we welcomed the 31,033rd visitor* to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, shattering all previous records for the total number of visitors.

Some of our more ignorant readers might find themselves wondering what's so special about the number 31,033…why not celebrate something more logical, like 31,030 or 31,040? Well, let the Alameda Daily Noose and me try to put it in terms you can understand. Just as Alamedans are divided into two groups called "Right-Thinking Alamedans" and "Enemies Within," it turns out that numbers are divided into two groups, which mathematicians call "prime" and "chuck." We're not exactly sure what the difference is, but it has something to do with how easy they are to cut.

According to our extensive research, not only is 31,033 a prime number, it is the 3,343th prime number, and 3,343 itself is also a prime number, which means that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are now officially double prime. Yes, we can now say with absolute mathematical certainty that we are twice as great as all of the other major news media put together. We always suspected as much, but it's nice to have it confirmed by hard science.

Frieda Bellows Is Really, Really, Really Fed Up

Editor,

All right, that does it. It seems like only yesterday when I wrote to tell you that I'm getting more and more fed up lately, and now that's not the half of it. Actually, it's more like a fourth of it, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I mean, I was fed up with Squirrels, Evil Robots, and Safeway to begin with, and what with all of the recent shenanigans—and I will use that word, shenanigans—involving sock puppets run amok, diabolical signature gatherers, vicious youth gangs, the end of the world, chicken, and sharks, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to expect that I'd be really fed up by now.

Well, guess what, Mr. Smarty Pants…you'd be wrong!

I have skipped right over being really fed up, blown way past being really, really fed up, and gone straight to being really, really, really fed up!

Frieda Bellows

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Says What Really Scares Him Is the "Hammer-Heads" Sitting on Alameda's City Council

Roger,

I was talking to ancient mariner and living Alameda legend Cap'n Everett the other day, and he told me a fish story you wouldn't believe. Apparently, City Hall has been taken over by hammer-heads, by which I can only assume he means the dreaded hammer-head species of land shark. I am absolutely flabbergasted!

What really scares me is the hammer-heads sitting on the City Council.

These ferocious fish can weigh up to 1,000 pounds, which means they could pin the Council down for hours at a time, rendering them completely incapable of making a decision. This is an OUTRAGE. We Right-Thinking Alamedans can only hope that the spineless Council Majority will not buckle under the pressure of Big Shark, which has been plotting for years to flood Alameda and turn it into a giant marine sanctuary!

Donald Kirkland

Verloren, Stewing, Has Beef with Moose over Chicken

Dear Roger,

I have a beef with that blowhard business booster Michael Moose. I have been stewing ever since I read his self-serving letter about the new establishment that will soon be opening up at the corner of Encinal Ave. and Park Ave. Like all Right-Thinking Alamedans, I'm concerned about the surplus of restaurants in this town, so I was delighted to see that old chicken place finally fall to the wrecking ball. Now Mr. Moose tells us that a fancy-schmancy new restaurant will take its place, and I don't like it.

Day after day I've been driving by very slowly, watching those burly young construction workers sweating under the hot sun to make Mr. Moose's dream a reality, but so far it looks more like a nightmare to me. Take the name, for starters: "Kentucky Fried Chic." Obviously, this is going to be another hangout for those mindless yuppies who are trying to turn Alameda into San Francisco, what with their Eye-Phones and their Tweetering and their Thai noodle monarchies.

As bad as that is, take a look at the sign on the door the next time you drive past. It says right on it that it "WILL NOT OPEN." Chic new restaurants with doors that don't even open? At least the greasy old chicken joint had a door that actually worked. I ask you, what is this town coming to?

Yours in disgust,
Marlene Verloren

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Our Whole Planet

This is my favorite time of year, when the daisies are blooming and warm breezes are blowing with just a hint of summer. It's only right that this is when we celebrate a holiday that reminds us all of why green living is so important. Yes, I'm talking about Earth Day, the day when we all renew our promise to save the planet. And when I say save the planet, of course I mean Planet Alameda.

That's right, folks; our island nation is more than just a pretty city. It's also its own planet! Many people don't seem to realize this, which makes them think saving the planet is hard, but it's really pretty easy. All you have to do is take care of your little piece of earth. You might do that by planting it with Kentucky bluegrass, or by paving it over so that it won't erode and wash into the bay, never to return.

There are many other things you can do to protect your environment, too. Over the months, I've given my readers plenty of tips on how to encourage the use of clean coal, how to increase the amount of recycling you do, and all kinds of other things that make Alameda a better planet. One thing that all of these green living tips have in common is that there's no reason to worry about what effect they might have outside Alameda, because we are our own planet. Likewise, it doesn't matter whether anyone outside Alameda follows any of my green living tips since they can't possibly affect us here. They are free to do all of those things we won't do here, because it won't increase our traffic, or worsen our air quality.

So, fellow Alamedans, this is Janet Marchant wishing you a happy, guilt-free Earth Day, from my backyard to yours.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 7 days, with the most recent shown in green and chartreuse:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council April 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

No Right-Thinking Alamedan should have to be subjected to this kind of blatant toadying to cold-blooded Developers. As we explained yesterday in our hard-hitting exposé, the City Council has finally, publicly, as good as admitted that they are in the pocket of Big Arborist, and in league with the Squirrels. If you must watch the appalling video of this travesty of a "meeting" dealing with plans for the secret Evil Robot Base to be built at Alameda Point, be sure to take your heart medication beforehand.


This Is an Outrage:
WETA Public Hearing April 16, 2009

Editor's Comments:

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out on too many occasions to enumerate, the idea of people using boats for transportation is some kind of loony Buck Rogers scheme dreamed up by unscrupulous planners trying to distract us from Alameda's real transportation problems. So, to devote a whole meeting to the subject is the worst waste of the City's nonexistent funding that we have seen in months.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council April 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were of two minds on this meeting. On one hand, there's the Evil Robot Base, but on the other hand, there are enough grumpy speakers, with enough choice words for the Council, to keep a Right-Thinking Alamedan chuckling in agreement for a hefty portion of the interwebcast. That is why we decided that this meeting belongs in both the one Golden Acorn and five Golden Acorns categories.

Alamedageddon: This Time, We're Not Just Imagining It!

Sound the alarms! It's official: Squirrels are attempting to undermine Alameda's sacred, tree-limiting Measure Acorn. The Alameda Noose and I have yet to find evidence that Squirrels are the masterminds of this operation, but that is because Squirrels are so notoriously devious and secretive. They often conceal evidence of their activities in hollow trees or buried under garden plants, or in impenetrable 288-page documents that no-one in their Right-Thinking minds would bother to read. As you can see, the Squirrel in the photo above is menacing a collection of potted plants, do doubt attempting to conceal the evidence that potted plants are a sensible alternative to those darned trees that our government keeps trying to force on us.

Yes, there is no doubt in our minds that our so-called City Council was in cahoots with the Squirrels last night when they revealed that plans for the Evil Robot Base at Alameda Point include exempting it from the perfectly sensible restrictions of Measure Acorn! We all know that trees benefit no-one, except for Squirrels. Therefore, last night's announcement is tantamount to a declaration of which side the Council is taking in the Global War on Squirrels!

At this very moment, developer fat cats are at work gathering signatures in an underhanded attempt to put their plans to a vote of the people of Alameda. They know full well that we are all far too easily distracted by glossy mailers to be able to keep straight in our heads that we must support Measure Acorn at all costs! That has been the battle cry of Right-Thinking Alamedans since our treasured Measure was first passed in 1971, and then passed again in 1973.

It won't be easy, but we will have to try to remember that fundamental principle, even in the face of glossy, expensive mailers still redolent with the alluring smell of fresh ink. Be strong, Alamedans, and if the worst comes to pass, refuse to vote! We know that nothing good can come of direct democracy.