Reader Connects Dots to Reveal Deadly Triangle

Editor,

I have noticed your publication has been not necessarily obsessed with, but rather focused on Squirrels and Robots of late, with nary a mention of the ever-present threat posed by Bagpipes. Right-thinking Alamedans around the world thank you for your pioneering work on the link between Robots and Squirrels, as well as your earlier reportage on the complex relationship between Squirrels and Bagpipes. However, it appears that you have overlooked the crucial third side of this Sciurine-Scotian-Robotic Triangle of Death: the Bagpipe-Robot connection!



A vacationing friend of mine used his "Eye Phone" to shoot this shocking footage on the streets of another city that, thank God, is not Alameda…yet. It's all too clear that Robot Bagpipers are capable of unleashing sonic mayhem at speeds and volumes no human—or even Scotsman—could produce. Don't let our Evil Robot Mayor's apparent change of heart on the Secret Robot Base issue fool you. Just imagine what havoc her leagues of Robot minions could wreak upon our Treasured Isle if they were retrofitted with these fearsome mechanical Bagpipes!

Drake Census

Mr. T. Pities the Fools Who Built the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Editor,

I love your article on the disgusting movie multi-plex. I think that place is absurd and disgusting...I am also sad that the Central Cinema will have to move. I moved to Alameda because it seemed to be an progressive place to live-apparently not! : ( BTW, do you know what happened on Webster St. last night? I am actually looking for some local news on why there were 80 zillion cop cars in Oakland on Broadway and here in Alameda on Webster last night.

Thanks,T.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I welcome T.V. personality Mr. T. to our Treasured Island, because he clearly has excellent taste when it comes to coverage of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Certainly, the absurdity is abundantly obvious in our noose stories on the subject.

As long-time readers know, we always get the scoop on nooseworthy events in Alameda. Therefore, if you don't see something mentioned here, it can't be anything worth reading about. We're sure that was the case with the incident on Webster Street, whatever it was. You will note that we are not attempting to blame either the horrors of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex, nor the non-event on Webster Street, on Squirrels. That is because we implicate them only where there is reasonable cause to do so, and not because we are obsessed.

Angling for Armageddon

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were enjoying a friendly game of Yahtzee the other day when the idyll was shattered by the sound of a brick crashing through the window of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. The Alameda Daily Noose instinctively dived under the game table, but after the initial moment of surprise, I boldly stepped forward to investigate. Upon closer inspection, the brick turned out to be not a brick at all, but a videotape, with the following note attached:

Are you or Alameda Daily Noose aware of this startling new development in the battle against Squirrels?

We dusted the shards of glass of the tape, inserted it into our trusty VCR, tuned our set to channel 3, and this is what we saw:



The fact that we published this shocking footage, despite being dogged by scurrilous accusations that we are obsessed with Squirrels, speaks volumes about our courage and journalistic integrity. It's not always easy to speak the truth about Squirrels, as our mysterious source must know all too well. However, those who truly understand the Squirrel threat recognize the importance of keeping the Sciurine Menace on a short tether, and doing all we can to keep it from running away with the peanut that is our precious quality of life.

People Named Richard Seem to Know How to Handle the Squirrel Menace

Dear Roger Grumbel,

Your rants against squirrels are keeping me up at night.But today I found THIS and I think you are really on to something. If I weren't so sleep deprived, I might be able to connect the dots.

Early years

Coulter was born in New York City and raised in Connecticut by an upper middle class family. Her father, John Vincent, was an FBI agent turned union-buster who enjoyed shooting squirrels in his backyard. According to a column Coulter wrote upon this dick’s death on January 4, 2008, She concluded her tribute, “Now he was “very funny.” Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan. I hope they stop laughing about the Reds long enough to talk to God about smiting some liberals for me.” Unfortunately for John Vincent Coulter, based on whom he’s hanging out with, it sounds like he’s in hell.

Respectfully Yours,
Edmundo Delmundo

Editor's Comments:

Anyone who is never kept awake at night by worries of the Squirrel Threat just isn't paying attention. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure why the interweb article quoted above contains so many references to people named Richard, nor why their nicknames are not capitalized, but it is obvious that the Reds that McCarthy and Reagan disliked were none other than Red Squirrels. It is also clear that Ann Coulter, in addition to coming from good Squirrel-hunting stock, understands the power of complaining in dealing with any problem, Sciurine or otherwise. Now, if there are any dots that we have left unconnected, they can't be very important. You're welcome, Mr. Delmonte.

P.S.—Given the thousands of topics we cover, it's a virtual statistical certainty that at least some of them are going to be related to Squirrels. In other words, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not obsessed with Squirrels.

Throngs of Shoppers Drive Business Away from Park Street

Roger,

As fans of parking in front of one's house, you and I share a desire for easy and quick parking no matter where we are. Imagine my shock and dismay this past weekend as I made my way to Gym's Coffee Clutch for my usual Saturday 4-egg omelet with ham steak and black coffee (2 Equals), only to find the entirety of Park Street closed! Closed! Closed, I said!

Apparently, some hippie freaks had convinced those nitwits on the city council to hold some sort of "festival" dedicated to selling hemp clothing and oversized novelty hot dogs. The roads were swarming with non-Alamedans and their cars! It got so bad, I had to park in the garage no one uses, and even that was full of people not using it, and for free!

What did I see when I finally made my way through the throng? Strangers wandering the streets as willful as you please, buying costume jewelry and French Fries topped with garlic! (What will those crazy French think of next?) Is this why I pay my property taxes - so non-Alamedans can shop right in the middle of the street? Is this what things will be like when the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens? Woe is us! Woe is indeed us!

Booh Gradley

Editor's Comments:

Loyal readers will no doubt notice that the Alameda Daily Noose and I refrained from pointing out the obvious connection between lack of parking and that Tool of the Squirrels called "street trees". Again, this is definitive proof that we are not obsessed with Squirrels.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Demonstrate Great Restraint and Good Judgment

After all of last week's hard-hitting, non-Squirrel related stories and other Noose items, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not obsessed with Squirrels. However, if we needed to prove that fact, we could do so simply by pointing out that we did not report at all on a number of recent minor Squirrel incidents.

For example, it's been a whole year since the skirmish between splinter factions in the Squirrel ranks that is documented in the video above, and we haven't even mentioned it once! Had it not been broken up by the timely intervention of a heroic Pigeon, the fight could have developed into all-out war, or at least something of great significance. And after all, items of great significance are the only kind that we publish.

Dave Williamson Knows the Real Reasons (and They Have Nothing to Do with Squirrels)

Rog,

I’m writing to dispel several of the myths that so-called experts are trying to foist off on Right-Thinking Alamedans. Foremost of these is the erroneous idea that tooth decay is the result of not brushing one’s teeth. We all know that eating sugary foods is what causes cavities, so there’s no point in allowing Big Toothbrush to scare us into buying useless, expensive oral hygiene instruments.

Furthermore, a penny saved is a penny earned. Clearly, then, trying to earn money by any other means, such as working at a job, is merely a fool’s errand. We should all stop doing that and spend the resulting extra time saving money instead.

Speaking of finance, no-one can convince me that the flat or even falling property values in Alameda are a result of any general problems in the housing market. The only factor that affects property values is the quality of schools in the neighborhood. Therefore, any decrease in our home values must be the result of decreasing quality in our schools. That is why we should stop voting to give the district more money to waste.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to point out that this letter had nothing to do with Squirrels. Given the hundreds of non-Squirrel-related letters we publish on a regular basis, we have no reason to be defensive about accusations that we are obsessed with Squirrels, and no one can accuse us of being protesting too much, either.

Golf Course Use Down over Last Year, As Shown in Journalistic Investigation That Has Nothing to Do with Squirrels

Last spring, the Chuck Corica Golf Complex was teeming with activity, but observant Alamedans have noticed a slight change this year. The grass on the course is just as green as it was then, and the water hazards just as beguiling, but it seems that some users have been lured away by newer, larger golf courses, and perhaps even by the restoration of marshes elsewhere in the Bay Area. Bay Farm Island's population of egrets and other water-loving birds has started to decline as the flighty, ungrateful things try walking the greens in other communities.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I conducted an in-depth investigation of this alarming decline yesterday. The results were telling. In an exclusive Alameda Daily Noose interview, we asked long-time greens keeper Flip Mulligan how many egrets had made use of the golf course recently. His answer confirmed our suspicions: "Egrets? We've had a few," he said, and after a moment's consideration, added, "but then again, too few to mention." He was further able to clarify rumors regarding a recent sighting of a birdie on the course. It turned out to not be the kind of birdie we were investigating. To date, there is no plan for how to reverse the downtrend in waterfowl on this particular course.

If the Alameda Daily Noose and I were obsessed with Squirrels—which we most certainly are not—we would have asked greens keeper Mulligan if he had seen any lately. We were careful to point out our failure to ask about this to Mr. Mulligan, and, with only the tiniest bit of prodding, he concurred that we are not, in fact, obsessed with Squirrels.

Squirrel Fanatics Are at It Again

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are flabbergasted. As if real Squirrels were not bad enough, someone actually had the bad judgment to fund researchers who have created mechanical Squirrels, which are sure to run amok and threaten Alameda to an even greater extent than it is already threatened! We thought we had seen some real Squirrel enthusiasts, but this takes the cake.

These people are so obsessed with Squirrels that they are actually trying to communicate with the fidgety little critters. Do they think they're going to negotiate a treaty? I mean, come on! We're talking about one of the most devious, least trustworthy types of creatures in Alameda. To actually talk to one of them would be to admit defeat in the Global War on Squirrels.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are highly suspicious of anyone who would devote such copious time and effort to analyzing the behavior of Squirrels. We don't need to understand them, we just need to defeat them. It's just like when you're invading a country. Every minute spent trying to learn their language, culture, history, and politics is a precious minute that could be spent kicking some enemy butt.