Does San Francisco Really Need a Bay Bridge?

The San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge was closed over the Labor Day weekend.

Editorial comment: The closure of the Bay Bridge did not appear to have any affect on transportation in Alameda. Perhaps the Board of Supervisors should abolish the obviously unnecessary Bay Bridge and give the money saved to more deserving cities for something worthwhile, like filling some potholes in Alameda's streets.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have long argued that no-one would ever want to go to San Francisco, which is quite understandable since it is not Alameda. The complete lack of automobile traffic over the Bay Bridge this weekend just proves that we were right all along.

We didn't hear anyone complaining about the closure, and we all know that when a thing is truly important in Alameda, someone is sure to complain about it. So, obviously, getting to San Francisco is not important. Nobody was able to drive there this weekend, and it's not as if you could get there on a magical flying horse, or on something really crazy like a train or a boat.

They might as well just let that bridge fall down for all the good it's doing us here in Alameda.

Roger Grumbel

Sciurine and Scotian Chords Sound Mysterious Note in Alameda Pants Saga

Rog,

I've long been following the work of InAction Alameda for quite some time, so I think I can recognize a conspiracy when I see one. Perhaps, even you are part of it. I write, of course concerning two of your frequent contributors: Frieda Bellows and Lon Geddoff. It appears that Gerald Auslander's letter provided a perfect foil for Bellows and Geddoff to turn against all Right Thinking Alamedans everywhere. If one takes their criticism of mens wear in general and pants in particular at face value, the natural conclusion is that Right Thinking Alamedans should ban pants from the Island, after all one of them noted that pants wearing is something associated with San Francisco. However, Bellows and Geddoff only EXPOSED themselves as double agents that have infiltrated InAction Alameda.

I suspect the two are working at the behest of our FemBot Mayor, Beverly Johnson and the Squirrels. This is all part of their plot. Once Bellows, Geddoff and the Robot Mayor ban pants, every man in Alameda (Right Thinking ones included) will have to wear KILTS. Don't you see what is going on here? Once they force us into kilts, its only a short fall down the slippery slope to widespread Bagpiper-dom. Stop this scourge! I demand that you investigate Geddoff and Bellows immediately. I sure hope that Former City Council Candidate, Dave Williamson and Coho Jenkins haven't been compromised by these shills for Big Bagpipe. This has all the markings of a classic false flag attack, just like on 4/29.

Looks like the NSA and CIA took down that site, but luckily, I am able to provide a link to the site which no longer exists.

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT INNOCENT AWARD-WINNING MUSICIANS AND THEIR BRASS BANDS

Editor's Comments:

In an unprecedented step, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have redacted the name of the author of this Alameda-shattering bombshell of a letter in order to protect him from potential Tartan repercussions. Let's just say that we hope that his persistent artistic vision continues to reverberate as one note comprised of three—no, make that four—simultaneous chords: curiosity, integrity, excellence, and eternal vigilance against Squirrels and Scotsmen.

Now, the Alameda Daily Noose and I do not mean to downplay the undeniably insidious influence of Tartan in our community, but before we all erupt into entirely understandable panic, let's remember that a ban on all new trousers would not necessarily lead to greater quantities of kilts in Alameda. Existing trousers would be grandfathered in, which would mean that our current treasured way of life would be preserved forever.

Furthermore, Right-Thinking readers can rest assured that citizens such as Lon Geddoff and Former City Council Candidate are among our city's strongest opponents of Bagpipes and just about everything else. They could no more be lured into the sporran of Big Kilt than the Alameda Daily Noose and I could feel sympathy for a Squirrel.

Labor Day Special: Encore Presentation of Encore Presentation of Encore Presentation of Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments:

Due to the long holiday weekend, many of our readers may not be able to read this special encore presentation of one of our best encore presentations of an encore presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose on the day on which it was re-published. If you did not go out of town for the entire weekend, and are therefore able to keep up a normal Right-Thinking routine of reading the Noose as soon as you wake up every morning, then today is Monday, September 7, 2009. If, however, you are on a whitewater rafting trip as we write this, and therefore won't be able to read it until the day after you return from your exhausting adventures, then today is Tuesday, September 8, 2009. Of course, there are always those few readers who extend the long weekend into a full week's vacation, in which case you may be reading this on Monday, September 14, 2009.

Whenever you read this issue, remember that its 100% original content is published by the Alameda Daily Noose, with all rights reserved. We are not going to sit idly by while lowlifes steal our work, especially on Labor Day.

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I know how much our readers love for things to stay just the way they are, and that's why our encore presentations of exactly the same material that was published earlier are so popular. In fact, some of them are so popular that they deserve their own encore presentations!

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Alameda Daily Noose and I always get nostalgic on holidays, and Labor Day is no exception. This is a time to for Alamedans everywhere to express their gratitude for those who toil long hours under the most difficult working conditions imaginable to bring you the comforts of modern life: things we all take for granted, like an uninterrupted flow of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. Today, as we reflect on the Herculean deeds of heroic men and their trusty noosepapers, we're sure that our loyal readers also long for a trip down memory lane. Travel with us now back to the spring of 2007, a time when a young Dave Williamson taught us how to laugh at the mistakes of others, a time when Former City Council Candidate sounded the wake-up call to a community in danger of going soft on Squirrels, a time when those darned teeny-boppers danced too suggestively to the strains of Justin Timberlake's number-six hit, "What Goes Around…Comes Around." Then, on Monday, May 14, 2007, like a smack upside the head in the middle of a cold shower, came a letter from right-thinking Alamedan Morton A. Whitling, a letter so astonishingly good that it changed a sleepy island town forever. Now, through the magic of "copy and paste," let us re-live this historic event together:

Dear Editor,

Thank you so much for the Alameda Daily Noose. It is a beautiful thing. And your television show is just spectacular. I watch every episode over and over again until I have memorized everything you say. Really - if you run into me at the grocery store some time, just quiz me and I am sure that I can quote you back to you, verbatim, from any show since the June 19, 2002 episode. Then again, I might be a bit too "star-struck" to be coherent around you; thank goodness for the Internet where we can carefully compose our letters to the editor and take out all the speling mistakes!

Anyways, my wife Claire is expecting, I am wondering if you and your wife would be godparents to our child (it's a girl!!!) It would be an amazing honor to have a celebrity as "part of the family." We love you all so much and we want our daughter to grow up with you as part of her life.

Your website is just so AMAZING. I love the color yellow; it's so under-used in journalism for some reason. And I just can't get over how impartial you are. And I appreciate you printing only the news that none of the other newspapers will print. It shows that you care about Alameda, and you aren't in the pocket of those fat-cat developers who want nothing more than to turn Alameda into a dirty, crowded city like Oakland.

I just love Alameda. I love getting in my car, rolling down the windows, and smelling the beautiful air generated by our beautiful trees along the street. Sometimes I even take myself for a spin down to the beach, and look at the beautiful high-rises in San Francisco and be thankful that they are far, far away. I love to drive by the Victorians and wave at them, and drive by the apartments and give them dirty looks (and even say "boooooo" when I've had a few too many, but don't tell that to the Mrs.!) This is what makes Measure A great. Alameda. It's what it's all about, and you are there, watching over it for us.

And thank you for standing up to defend Measure A. It's a tireless job, but as a journalist with integrity, you push aside the naysayers and you don't let them have their piece. It's what democracy is all about, and it makes me proud to be an Alamedan-American.

Love,

Morton A. Whitling

Burn, Baby, Burn, It's a Squirrely Inferno

The Alameda Daily Noose and I interrupt our regularly scheduled hippie-dippy environmentalist column to bring you this urgent dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Yesterday we received the following "gee-mail" from a mysterious pseudonymous source:

From: Secret Squirrel Lover
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2009 1:06 PM
To: Mr Noose
Subject: SFGate: Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor


See? They *are* taking over the world. We may be next.
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This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2009/09/02/BALM19HG96.DTL
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (SF Chronicle)
Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer


(09-02) 12:11 PDT WALNUT CREEK -- A squirrel that became entangled in a power line apparently sparked a wildfire today near the senior residential community of Rossmoor, authorities said.
The two-alarm blaze was reported shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a remote canyon in the hills near Rossmoor on the border between Walnut Creek and Lafayette, said Emily Hopkins, spokeswoman for the Contra Costa County Fire Protection District.
Firefighters contained the blaze, located off a fire trail near Ptarmigan Drive, within an hour. Two firefighters were injured; one suffered an ankle injury and the other a knee injury, Hopkins said.
No evacuations were ordered, and the fire didn't threaten any homes, authorities said.
An undetermined number of Pacific Gas and Electric Co. customers lost their electricity when the squirrel became caught in the power line, authorities said.
The squirrel died, Hopkins said.

E-mail Henry K. Lee at hlee@sfchronicle.com. ---------------------------------
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Copyright 2009 SF Chronicle

Editor's Comments:

First of all, the fact that this missive is addressed to the Alameda Daily Noose but not to me is a bit suspicious. Here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, most of the mail is addressed to me, which is only natural given that the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed a long time ago that it was only fair that I should always receive top billing. The really fishy—or, should we say, Squirrely—thing is the author's pseudonym, "Secret Squirrel Lover." Why would a self-professed Squirrel-hugger provide useful dispatches to a sworn enemy? Could this message actually be intended as a warning shot across Alameda's bow? Perhaps there is a trace of triumphant glee in the observation that "we may be next."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I treat such threats very seriously. Astute readers will note that the suicide attack Squirrel in the story cut the power of an unspecified number of victims who might well have been followers of the Alameda Daily Noose. Without access to the valiant, independent voice of the Noose, alone in its tireless reporting on the Global War on Squirrels, how can the rest of the world hope to survive the coming Squirrely inferno?

Frieda Bellows Wants to Give Trousers-Wearers a Wedgie

Editor,

Lon Geddoff is right. We don't need any stores selling pants in Alameda. As someone mentioned recently, pants are the kind of thing they sell in San Francisco. Do we want Alameda to be like San Francisco? I don't think so!

Alameda should just ban pants outright. Have you ever noticed that almost all violent crimes are committed by people wearing pants? I mean, when was the last time you heard of a bank robber running away from the scene of the crime in spike heels and a mini dress? And how could anyone conceal a weapon in the waistband of a pair of Speedos? Obviously, pants cause crime, so selling pants in Alameda would increase our crime rate.

Existing pairs of trousers in Alameda could be grandfathered in, but we don't have room for a single new pair in this town. Mr. Auslander needs to just face reality and give up on his pants-pushing agenda right now. I'm going to be keeping an eye out for these unscrupulous, professional pants promoters, and anyone I see wearing a new pair of trousers is going to get a wedgie.

Frieda Bellows

Lon Geddoff Cuts Men's Wear Industry Down to Size

Editor,

I cant' believe that outrageous letter you printed about trying to ram a new business down our throats here in Alameda. It's obvious that Mr. Auslander, if that is his real name, is just a paid shill for the Men's Wear industry. In other words, he is in the pocket of Big Trousers! We all know that's a pretty big pocket, which is why there is room for almost all of our politicians in it. The Men's Wear industry doesn't need any help from us, in fact they need to be cut down to size.

Besides that, no Right-Thinking Alamedan would want any kind of new store in town, because that would cause traffic. Anyone who's spent any amount of time here knows that our roads are already filled to capacity. Why, there are times when I'm driving, and I have to be careful not to drift over the center line because there are actually other cars coming in the opposite direction! What is this town coming to?

Lon Geddoff

Newcomer Loves Alameda, Daily Noose, and Me

Editor,

I'm new to Alameda, and I was glad to find your website with all of the good information about what's what in Alameda. This is a great town, but the one thing I wish you had here is a good men's wear store. I was trying to buy a pair of pants the other day, and I just couldn't find what I needed at any of the clothing stores in Alameda. I thought maybe some of your readers know about some secret place to shop for pants in Alameda. Or, if there isn't any place like that, maybe some people would be interested in helping me lobby the City Council to get a good men's wear store here.

Gerald Auslander

Editor's comments:

As anyone who is actually from Alameda knows, there is no need to buy men's wear in Alameda. For hundreds of years, it has been traditional for the men of Alameda to get in their cars and drive to some other city to purchase trousers, breeches, plus-fours, jodhpurs, or whatever type of leg coverings happened to be appropriate at the time. It's a good thing that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are here to clear up this kind of misunderstanding.