Green Living by Janet Marchant: Can You Trust the Easter Bunny with Your Children's Health?

Once again, it's nearly the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox, and you know what that means: Yes, soon the Easter Bunny will be hip-hip-hopping his way into households all over Alameda. But have you environmentally conscious parents ever stopped to think that death might be lurking in that cute little basket of his?

Many people don't realize that eggs aren't naturally available in colors like hot pink, aquamarine, and chartreuse. These colors are produced by chemicals added by the Easter Bunny, and we all know how dangerous chemicals are to our children's health. Even one drop of chemicals can be deadly, so imagine how harmful a whole basket full of chemically altered eggs could be to an innocent child!

Fortunately, there is a "green" alternative to those chemically modified eggs the Easter Bunny is pushing. I'm talking about a miracle material that, unlike eggs, can be found in every color of the rainbow, and then some! It's called "plastic," and you know it's 100% safe, because practically everything we give our children these days is made of it. It can be produced without placing any burden on overworked hens. It is even available in egg-like shapes, making it the perfect substitute for those dangerous chemical-coated Easter eggs.

But wait, it gets better! Unlike regular eggs, which are filled with white and yellow stuff that many kids don't even like to eat, these plastic Easter egg substitutes are hollow, which means you can fill them with things kids really enjoy, like candy or colorful little toys made out of…you guessed it…plastic! Thanks to this miracle material, you can have the best Easter ever, keeping your children safe, happy, and hepped up on sugar. This year, let's send that fuzzy shill for the chemical industry known as the Easter Bunny packing!

Brenda Snook Asks, "Didn’t We Learn Anything from 'The Love Boat'?"

Editor:

The town has been simply abuzz with talk of petitions and big plans for that long-abandoned military base you reported on. I heard that a group of Right-Thinking Alamedans has come up with an alternative to our Evil Robot Mayor's plan for a Secret Robot Base, and I finally got a hold of a copy. It's about twenty of those fancy Powder-Point slides with nice pretty color pictures, all stapled to some musty old book from the nineties that was well over 100 pages long. I even tried to read the book, but let me tell you, it wasn't nearly as interesting as the pictures.

Now this is where I get a little confused. The old book that was stapled to the Right-Thinking alternative plan talks about building a "Cruise Boat Home Port." No matter how hard they try to make it safe, there is always going to be some risk that a cruise boat is going to take a wrong turn and wind up sailing right up that boat ramp and onto Grand St., wrecking even more havoc than that John Knox White fellow could in his wildest dreams.

Didn't we learn anything from "The Love Boat" back in the seventies? That so-called Captain Stubing was always so busy schmoozing the pretty ladies on the boat that half the time he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. I swear, it's a wonder that none of those Caribbean cruises ended in tragedy, with the Pacific Princess crashing head-long into an iceberg, just like the big boat in that movie with Kate Winslet. Only problem is, Alameda isn't the movies. If we build a Cruise Boat Home Port in Alameda, Leonardo DiCaprio won't be around to save us from a nightmare of runaway boats stuffed to the gunnels with washed-up sixties celebrities and terrible jokes!

And speaking of boats, the Cruise Boat Home Port isn't the only odd thing in the Right-Thinking alternative plan. There was also something about "High speed Ferries," which confused me because you've reported many times that nobody would ever take a boat to work. Stranger still, it says these Ferries might be paid for with "tax increment financing." Now, I have no idea what that is, but I've been told that it's terrible…terrible! Nothing but a multi-million-dollar "bail-out" for Big Boat! In fact, I could have sworn that one of those Powder-Point slides stapled to the book said so, but maybe I was distracted by a pretty picture.

I know I'm probably the one that's confused here. I must have missed something, because a bunch of things in the Right-Thinking alternative plan sound more like something I'd expect from our Evil Robot Mayor and her Evil Developer friends: a Cruise Boat Home Port, High speed Ferries, tax increment financing, industrial clusters, trucking services, hotels, conference centers, a theme park, and "Diverse, Affordable Housing," including…if you can believe this…apartments and lofts. I thought this exactly was the kind of thing we Right-Thinking Alamedans are trying to stop. I hope that young, up-and-coming genius of the East Bay, Mr. Dave Williamson, will be able to explain to me exactly where I went wrong. I feel like such a silly goose!

Brenda Snook

Jean Kerkwilligers Wants to Withdraw Her Signature from Stan's Petition

Dear Rog,

As I was coming out of the Dusty Shelves Market a few days ago, there was a young man asking people to sign something. Of course, I didn't have time to read what I was signing at the time, but yesterday my bridge partner told me there's a petition going around that none of us Right-Thinking Alamedans should be signing. When I heard that, I took out the copy that young man gave me, and darned if it wasn't something completely different than what I'd imagined!

Today I went back to confront this signature-gathering fellow, but he seems to have vanished without a trace! Oh, but he was such a smooth-talking and persuasive gentleman. I can't for the life of me remember his name, but I think it was "Stan." Anyway, he sure knew how to sweet-talk a Right-Thinking Alamedan gal. He promised that if I'd just sign his little petition, he would put Chuck Corica back in the mayor's office where he belongs, get that loveable cartoon kid into Congress, and personally guarantee that no-one would ever, ever park in front of my house again.

I was just about to sign on the dotted line when I caught a whiff of something that reminded me of the time the market's egg cooler went on the fritz back in '98. I was distracted by something swishing behind his back, and then I glanced down and noticed something funny about his feet. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Something about this doesn't seem right. It's almost too good to be true. What's the catch?"

He just smiled and said something about my sole. You see, I had just been to the fish counter, and he could probably smell those freshly thawed filets through the wrapper. While I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't asking about the catch of the day, I suddenly found myself swapping Cajun seafood recipes with him. He seemed to know a lot about the proper temperature for really blackening a sole to perfection.

Somehow, I guess I must have signed the petition while we were chatting. He was just so charming, and his knowledge of cooking was so extensive, that I couldn't concentrate. Now that I look at it again, though, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have made the bargain I did. How does one withdraw a signature they were duped into giving?

Jean Kerkwilligers

Huge Demonstration Shuts Down Alameda's Sock Drawers

Yesterday, a demonstration against our Evil Robot Mayor's diabolical plans to enslave the human race was held. There were over 100 sock-puppets mouthing in unison, "Don't Enslave the Human Race, Just Say No to the Robot Base." There were almost half as many puppeteers as sock-puppets.

Following is a flyer from the newly formed Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.), which was passed out at the protest:

• We, the members of C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A., a huge community organization that has been serving Alameda for days and is completely distinct from unrelated groups like Inaction Alameda (I.A.), Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda (S.O.S.!.A), and Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda (S.O.S.-P.!A.), hereby DEMAND that our Evil Robot Mayor withdraw her Support of her Human-Race-Enslaving Robot Base Development Proposal.
• Alameda's Evil Robot Mayor campaigned on her trustworthiness and humanity. Her campaign signs, which are featured here today, clearly state, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." Now she has been exposed as a Robot, and she is backing a plan for a secret base at Alameda Point, complete with force fields. We DEMAND that this flip-flop represents a significant 'watering down' of her campaign pledge.
• ALAMEDA CITIZENS DEMAND MAYOR'S WITHDRAWAL OF SUPPORT FOR CURRENT PROPOSED SECRET ROBOT BASE AT ALAMEDA POINT!

Contact: Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.): Klondike 5-3226.

Frieda Bellows Is Fed Up with Squirrels, Robots, and Safeway

Editor,

I'm getting more and more fed up lately. The final straw was that story you ran about feeding Squirrels to themselves, not that it's a bad idea, mind you, but the mere thought of Squirrels eating anything makes my blood boil!

It's obvious that Squirrels and City officials are all feeding at the trough of Big Acorn. Besides, when it comes to our mayor, in particular, I always knew she was an Evil Robot, which is why I didn't vote for her, along with her unreasonable attitudes on Golf. Her campaign slogan, "Trust me, I'm not an Evil Robot," wasn't fooling anybody, and everybody who was fooled by it is outraged to discover now that she is an Evil Robot. The proof is right there in black and yellow in your completely accurate and wonderfully imaginative documentary on her phone call.

How can my friends who foolishly voted for the mayor take back the votes that they were duped into casting? I tried asking the staff at the Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates, but they claimed with haughty apparatchik condescension that they didn't have any control over who I voted for. Horse puckey! If those slugabeds at Safeway don't do something soon, our town is going to be completely overrun with Squirrels and Evil Robots.

Frieda Bellows

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Saving Water When You Shower

Wow! I'm hot on the trail of a new eco-friendly tip today. Someone just told me that you can save water by putting a bucket in the shower before you start running the water. I'm not sure how this works, but it must be something like those plastic laundry balls. When the bucket is in the shower, you probably don't need to use as much soap to get clean, and so don't need to rinse as long. I'll let you know as soon as I find out more. Meanwhile, don't forget to take that bucket into the shower with you, because it doesn't hurt to be on the safe side!

Finally, a Snack We Can All Enjoy

Mr. Grumbel,

There are many reasons to feel warmly toward our English neighbors to the East. They keep the Tartans in line. They have those adorable accents I can't understand when watching AMERICAN IDOL. They always seem to be getting into scrapes involving detachable undergarments and lines of people chasing them to wacky saxophone music. Now here's another: Squirrel-flavored potato chips.

As this article explains, a British company has released upon the world Squirrel-flavored "crisps" (whatever! ;) ), finally priming people's taste buds for the real thing. All the extra "u"s in the world can't hide the heroism! Once people have a taste for Squirrels in a conveniently snackable form, they'll run to their yards and pull them from the trees, having a nibble on the way back to the front door. Heidi Wilson herself would be proud! (Maybe she can get an endorsement deal...)

The only down side is that there were apparently no Squirrels harmed in the development of the chips, but I'm sure they can put that right during the manufacturing process. One small step for crispiness, one giant leap for mankind!

—
Jehoshaphat Malone
Founder, Jumpin' Jehoshaphat's Café

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't quite understand Mr. Malone's obsession with semicolons, parentheses, and the 21st letter of the alphabet, but when it comes to the Sciurine Menace, his opinions are spot-on. We can only hope Mr. Malone will be inspired to put some Squirrel-flavored items on the menu at his popular café soon, only without that tongue-burning "spice" for which British cuisine is renowned. We're sorry, but that's just not Alameda.