Green Living by Janet Marchant: New Book Has Greens Seeing Red

I was browsing at the local bookstore the other day when I made a shocking discovery. There's a new book out that claims that only a complete idiot would be interested in green living! At least I think this is what the book claims, because I haven't read it and I have no intention of doing so.

You see, if I bought the book, I'd only be enriching its misguided author, and if people saw me reading it in the bookstore or checking it out from the library, they might mistake that for some kind of endorsement. No, I'm not taking any chances with something this important. That's why I'm calling for a boycott of every bookstore and library that has this hateful tome on its shelves!

Of course, pre-eminent environmental authors have extensive research needs, not to mention a weakness for eco-romance novels during the summer beach reading season, so I won't be participating in the boycott myself. Nevertheless, I'm sure that everyone else's selfless actions will send the message loud and clear that green living is for all of us, not just complete idiots!

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland: "Cromwell Is Spinning In His Grave"

Editor,

I am saddened by the Board of Education vote Tuesday night which will be so costly to the district, so discriminatory in putting thespians above all other protected classes, turns an "overall" curriculum meant to be a "framework" into an actor-exclusive "victory", and dividing the house that was our school district’s community.

The lawyers were in the room and there is no way of knowing how much this will cost the district in terms of funds. No way of knowing how many lawsuits will result. No way of knowing if the curriculum will achieve the goals for the thespians, or if it will create more name calling after the curriculum is taught as it has at Otis School after the test stage productions.

There was a time when thespians rightly followed a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Normal, civilized members of society could pass them in the street without ever knowing of their shocking dramatic inclinations, and everyone was happy. That joyful time was thanks to the sensible policies of Oliver Cromwell, who outlawed all theatrical performances in Alameda in 1642. Cromwell is spinning in his grave, now, thanks to the BOE's disappointing vote and blasphemous comments.

It is a shame the new superintendent doesn't have her head on straight like Oliver Cromwell. It has been overwhelmingly obvious that the majority of Alamedans rejected this proposal for teaching about thespianism in the schools, and did so for a wide range of reasons. Since this is the way this superintendent and Board want to run our schools, they will do it without any more parcel tax support. This is a sad turning point and a heartbreaking way for a new board and a new superintendent of a broke school district to establish a relationship with the community.

Donald Kirkland

Former City Council Candidate Goes Too Far

Rog,

I can't believe anybody was ever worried about brown-nosing or any other minor problems at our fire stations. Now that I know how much those moochers earn, even apart from overtime, we know what the real problem is. If they are too incompetent to provide us with high quality service for half the cost, I say just shut 'em all down.

What do we need emergency response for, anyway? You know what? The world's a tough place. I mean, maybe if your house is burning down you might need a little help, but what's all this nonsense about fire stations rushing to the aid of somebody with "cardiac arrest?" In my day, we didn't coddle heart-attack victims. Just walk it off, we'd tell them. Don't give me some song and dance about being "unconscious" or "unresponsive." Heart-attack "victims" used to help themselves and not expect some emergency team to do it.

Nowadays, people talk like it's important to have a heart in the first place, which quite frankly I don't think is necessary. Anyone who has that much trouble with their heart should just have it removed.

Former City Council Candidate

Editor's Comments:

Nobody is going to shut down our neighborhood fire station if the Alameda Daily Noose and I have anything to say about it. This time, Former City Council Candidate has gone too far. Clearly, fire service is one of those rare good uses of our tax money, because we might need to use it someday.

Parents, It's 5:45 AM: Do You Know Whether Your Children Are Chit-Chit-Chittering?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning up last night after our big Memorial Day barbeque when the doorbell rang. By the time we reached the front entrance of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, nobody was there, but we found this ominous little note had been slid under the door:

http://twitter.com/common_squirrel

BEWARE!!!!!!

At first we thought it was just gibberish, but then we remembered a letter from loyal reader Frieda Bellows, in which she warned us of the danger of this thing the kids today call "tweetering." We immediately contacted our Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur friend who lives here in the East Bay and is a real genius with computers, and he had the Alameda Daily Noose and me tweet-tweet-tweeting away in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were surprised and, frankly, shocked, by what we saw:
Yes, Squirrels are now using the latest in computer technology to corrupt The Children™ directly, effectively cutting Right-Thinking Alamedan parents out of the loop! By exposing kids today to Squirrels and their innermost unthinkable thoughts and twisted desires, they are subtly giving them the message that it's OK to have a bushy tail, run around on tree limbs, and dig for acorns in the lawn.

As The Children™ come to see these deviant behaviors as normal, it's only a matter of time before their little moral compasses go haywire and they announce to their tearful parents that they are running off to live with their new "friends" in the park. The only solution is to confiscate your kids' eye-phones and lap-toppers and ban them from using computers without parental supervision. They'll thank you later, when they're happily married with kids of their own, instead of living in a hole in a tree with some chit-chit-chittering Squirrel.

Special Encore Presentation of a Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments on the Editor's Comments:

As time passes, people are sometimes forced to re-evaluate their statements, positions, and even deeply held beliefs. Fortunately, though, this never happens to the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We refuse to let ourselves be confused by the facts; we stand firmly behind our comments from one year ago, whatever they were. That is why, once again, we have dusted off the following classic piece of journalism pulled from the Alameda Daily Noose archives. This one always brings noble tears of pride to our eyes, and we know that you will enjoy it just as much now as you did last year:

Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments:

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan family has its treasured holiday traditions, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I are no exception. Whenever a special day rolls around, we are literally inundated with requests for encore presentations of our Alameda Daily Noose holiday classics. So, without further ado:

Alameda Daily Noose honors those who made ultimate, penultimate sacrifices

The annual Memorial Day Ceremonies at Alameda's Veterans' Memorial Park at the foot of the Bay Farm Island Bridge will begin this morning at 11:00 AM. In a time when it's so easy to become distracted from the issue at hand, we must remember this Monday to focus all of our thoughts on those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the freedom we all hold dear. But how, you might ask, would we remember to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice if it were not for those of us who made the penultimate sacrifice to bring you the story? Yes, that's right, it was the brave journalistic legions of the Alameda Daily Noose who toiled around the clock to bring you the time and place of the Memorial Day Ceremonies.

Although we're far too modest to talk about it, Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, every hour of every day of every week, bravely protecting you, the readers, from the slings, arrows, bullets, and grenades of public discourse that are constantly slung, shot, and hurled our way. When we see a letter to the editor whizzing through the series of tubes that is the interweb, we throw ourselves in its path — without a thought for our own safety — defiantly shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as everything goes into slow motion. We hit the "delete" key, and millions, or at least hundreds . . . well, perhaps dozens of readers are spared from opinions that might jangle disharmoniously with the established thought patterns of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. Before you can raise your voice to utter a word of gratitude, we've already said it: "No need to thank us, Sir or Ma'am, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me."

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Spicking and Spanning, Bluing and Greening Alameda Point

I keep hearing people complain about the need for toxic clean-up at Alameda Point, and let me tell you, I am all for it! There's no reason why that piece of land shouldn't be spick and span by the time the Navy transfers it to the City of Alameda. With just a few simple steps, the Navy could easily return Alameda Point to its former pristine condition, in no time at all.

Now, the ground is what needs cleaning most of all, so let's start there. Based on my own knowledge of house cleaning, I would recommend that the Navy use Mop & Glo to get rid of that pesky radium glow. Not only does it clean away complex hydrocarbons, Mop & Glo leaves an unbeatable shine!

I understand that there's also some contamination in the water at Alameda Point. Well, you can't go wrong with Ty-D-Bol. A bottle of that miracle cleaner in my toilet tank keeps the water fresh and blue with every flush. All the Navy needs to do is hang a container of Ty-D-Bol in the Seaplane Lagoon, which would also be a convenient spot for the Ty-D-Bol man to dock his boat.

Once they've tidied up the soil and the water, that just leaves the air. I have a perfect solution to that, and one that takes full advantage of the wonderful historic resources at the old Air Station. Those big, empty hangars would be a great place to hang a bunch of those giant air fresheners that give you a pure, pine-fresh scent without the annoyances and hazards of actual trees.

These three simple steps would leave us with an Alameda Point that's clean enough to eat off of, so why should we settle for anything less? I hope my helpful hints will inspire the Navy to start their base clean-up tomorrow!

A New Community Group a Day Keeps the Evil Developers at Bay

A group of citizen activists have formed today's new committee of concerned citizens, What's the Point, that will join Inaction Alameda, Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda, Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda, the Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda, and everybody else who's ever been ticked off at the idiots we have running this town, in opposing the new development plan for Alameda Point sponsored by Evil Developers.

Many people do not realize that Alameda Point is three times the size of the rest of Alameda. The proposed changes to the Alameda Point general plan would give the Evil Developer super powers, including—but not limited to—ice breath and X-ray vision, and would allow for the construction of 48,000 homes, 2.5 million gajillion square feet of commercial space and remove protections for historic buildings and puppies. The plan would force everyone to walk ten blocks uphill to a bus stop, stand in the rain for like ever waiting for the bus, and then wind up sitting next to a crazy guy muttering about how the United Nations is using mechanical cockroaches to spy on him.

Current estimates are that every new household at Alameda Point will own five to nine cars plus at least two light trucks or recreational vehicles, which means that this project will produce at least 600,000 new automobile trips every day. Voters are being asked to sign the Evil Developer's petition without a single traffic study beyond the two that have been done so far. The proposed plan would not include any improvements to the Webster Tube or any other route on and off the island; in fact, the plan is to make the Posey Tube slightly smaller, putting motorists in convertibles at severe risk of bumping their heads.

While representing many views on the future of development in Alameda, ranging everywhere from being against it to being vehemently, violently against it, the group is united in its opposition to the Evil Developers' plan for Alameda Point.