Alameda Threatened by Crazed Robot Lawyers Running Amok

Editor,

I have it on good authority that in the near future, Robots are going to have their own lawyers. Chances are that those lawyers are also going to be Robots, which I can easily guess since our Evil Robot Mayor, Beverly Johnson, just happens to be a lawyer. Who better to defend the activities at the Secret Robot Base that she is promoting or undermining—I forget which.

Robots are already cleaning people's houses, and soon they'll be delivering all of our mail, and who knows what all. Obviously, the human race is on the brink of destruction, because our beds are going to be short-sheeted, our floors waxed to such a shine that they're too slippery to walk on, and all of our mail will get delivered to the wrong addresses, crumpled. All the while, Robot lawyers will be suing innocent Alamedans for buying those service Robots in the first place, as if it were our fault that our housework is done badly.

Frieda Bellows

Alameda Leads the Way in Quality of Life, Sea Cucumbers

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce that Alameda's own Dancing Sea Cucumbers were recently featured in a major holiday parade in some city that's not Alameda. This means that once again, Alameda is leading the way as the rest of the world slowly comes to understand that there is no quality of life better than the Alamedan quality of life.

The Sea Cucumbers, seen here rehearsing for their busy performance season, will also dance at Cap'n Everett Street's traditional boat-lighting ceremony on December 10th, outside the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant. The boat-lighting ceremony should not to be confused with the Lighted Yacht Parade on December 5, which reportedly included no Sea Cucumbers and was therefore not worth watching.

Free Public Meeting on Measure B Featuring Proponents & Opponents

Editor,

The public is invited to hear a fair and balanced presentation on Measure B, one that will include not only all of the fantastic arguments against this horrible so-called initiative that will destroy life as we know it in Alameda, but also all of the weak excuses for arguments put forth by the shady characters behind Measure B, along with the many reasons they are completely bogus. The Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society is sponsoring this free presentation on Wednesday, December 9 from 1:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. at the Most Honorable Order of the Least Terns Lodge in the Inquisition Room, located in the sub-dungeon immediately below the Ratskeller.

Representatives of the Evil Developer and the Sleazy Wall Street Fat Cats who wrote the initiative will be there. Representatives of What's the Point, a grassroots group dedicated to Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way and opposed to the initiative will be there. Both sides will enter, but only one will stride forth victorious from the blood-soaked arena of combat. The initiative is over 283 pages long. Here is your chance to hear from proponents and opponents before carefully weighing the evidence and arguments and voting against Measure B.

The election is coming right up on February 2, and all we can say now is that everybody in town is going to vote no. With so many reasons to vote against Measure B and so little time to review them all, it's important to take this opportunity to decide which ones are the most important to you, your family, your friends, and your neighbors.

Basil Rand, What's the Point

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Your Holidays with Recycled Gift Giving

Oh, the holiday season is full swing now, and if you're like me, you give gifts for all of them. I simply can't resist a winter gift-giving occasion, whether I'm delivering a box of frozen organic latkes, or a homemade Kinara cleverly crafted from an old egg carton. As you might have guessed, the common element is always kindness to the planet.

There are lots of easy ways that you can make your gifts kind to the planet, but one that often gets overlooked is Recycled Gift Giving, or "Regifting" for short. Regifting is sustainable, because no additional resources are required to produce the gift. You simply take a gift that you received on a previous occasion, wrap it nicely in colorful hemp paper if it's not still in the original gift-wrap, cross out your name on the "To" tag and insert the name of the person to whom you are giving it.

I have been using this planet-friendly method for many of my gifts every since I saw a fascinating documentary on the subject that aired on NBC back in January of 1995. According to the documentary, there are a variety of items that are ideal for regifting, such as tickets to major sporting events or label makers. As an added bonus, I've found that items I recycle often find their way back around to me, sometimes from unexpected sources! Not only have I seen the same whole-grain, unsulfured fruitcake return to my household more than once, but my family was recently reunited with the macaroni artwork that my son gave to a friend for St. Patrick's Day.

Naturally, it's important to make sure that the gifts you recycle are not perishable, and that recycled gifts to children do not contain alcohol or choking hazards. If you follow those simple guidelines, though, you will find that recycled gifts are the gifts you keep on regiving for years to come!

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 42 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board October 26, 2009

Editor's Comments:

It's hard to believe that anyone would even consider talking about allowing the construction of a two-story skyscraper in Alameda, but that's just what our so-called Planning Board was doing.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board November 9, 2009

Replay Planning Board Meeting November 4, 2009 (September 28)

Editor's Comments:

As if it weren't bad enough that there were multiple Planning Board meetings in November, they had to hold one of them again. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are dumfounded that they would go to the trouble of repeating the exact same agenda, play by play, saying all the same things they did the first time they held the meeting, and in exactly the same tones of voice. What a colossal waste of taxpayer money! If we're going to hold reenactments, they should be of Civil War battles, or some other stirring events in Alameda history.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council December 1, 2009


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Special Meeting of the Community Improvement Commission November 4, 2009

Editor's Comments:

When it comes to "Community Improvement," the Alameda Daily Noose and I find ourselves in the unusual position of pointing out that they actually have a better approach in that city that's not Alameda.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board November 23, 2009


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council November 3, 2009

Regular ARRA Meeting November 4, 2009


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Transportation Commission October 28, 2009

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council November 17, 2009

Regular Transportation Commission November 25, 2009

Cracking Nuts and Taking Names

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were excited to learn that on Saturday, December 19th, and Sunday, December 20th, the Alameda Civic Ballet (ABC) will be performing The Nutcracker. As we understand it, this ballet is a stinging indictment of Squirrel activities, featuring a hero who fearlessly confronts the King of the Squirrels and destroys his entire stash of winter provisions by masticating them.

Attending The Nutcracker should be a great activity for children, but ABC doesn't stop there. They are also conducting a campaign to encourage children to consume ice-cream instead of alcohol, and are conducting covert operations to prevent anyone from slipping alcohol into Alameda's ice-cream supply. It's easy to imagine what kind of subversive element might resort to such sabotage, but since not all of our readers are imaginative at all, we'll spell it out for you: S-Q-U-I-R-R-E-L-S! We're lucky that highly trained ballerinas are standing ready to knock some sciurine heads together, probably with dazzlingly coordinated and deceptively powerful taps of their pointe shoes.

Frieda Bellows Knows How to Protect Alameda's Children from Distracted Drivers

Editor,

I heard that somebody read somewhere that there was a car crash recently that was caused by a puppy distracting the driver. Today's drivers have so many things to concentrate on, like sending text messages while eating a breakfast burrito (those are so good!) and putting on makeup, that even the slightest distraction could cause an accident. I've said before that this town is too soft on puppies, but did anyone listen?

Now that we know that it's puppies that are causing all those car crashes, the only solution is to ban puppies. After all, the driver crashed into a day care center, and even though none of the children were hurt, it doesn't take a genius to see that allowing puppies near children is just an accident waiting to happen.

And to think that our mayor has actually issued a proclamation in favor of puppies and kittens! Is the blood of a child what it will take for people to figure out that we have to get Alameda's puppy problem under control? Dogs are okay, as long as you're not allergic, but it's clear that we need to have a zero tolerance policy for puppies. They should never get the chance to set a paw on Alamedan soil.

Frieda Bellows