Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Holiday Feast

I just love all of the festive meals of the holiday season. When the whole family gathers around the table instead of just grabbing our organic pizza pockets on the go, it makes me feel glad that I can leave a better planet for my children. That's why, at this time of year, I'm usually busy in the kitchen, preparing my special soybean casserole while my husband puts the finishing touches on a big pitcher of eggnog. This year, however, I've started thinking more about how the choices we all make in our own kitchens can affect our carbon footprints.

Now, if you've already torn out all of your old kitchen cabinets, counters, and flooring to replace them with more sustainable alternative materials, there are still plenty of things you can do to make your kitchen greener. The foods you choose, and the way you prepare them can affect how much energy goes into a meal, and how much carbon dioxide gets dumped into our atmosphere as a result. There are various cookbooks and grocery aisle tips that my family has used for years to help reduce our kitchen's carbon footprint, but I realized recently that there's a quick and easy way to reduce your kitchen's footprint to zero!

Here's how you do it: pack your family into the old hybrid S.U.V., and drive to a restaurant of your choice. Now, eat your meal in the restaurant. Since you haven't used your kitchen at all in the production of the meal, that means your kitchen has produced zero carbon! I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. Why not try it today, and start enjoying your cleaner, greener kitchen right away?

"Ja, und das ist Polka!" Band to Perform at Gym's Coffee Clutch in Downtown Alameda

In an attempt to compete with the fancy-schmancy new restaurants that keep opening up downtown, the venerable Gym's Coffee Clutch has announced that it will be staying open late on Monday nights to offer patrons a chance to experience Alameda's exciting music scene live on their new stage, which they constructed by dismantling the salad bar. "Nobody was using that thing anyway," said Roland Dunkelbauer, former all-Alameda bodybuilding champion and owner of Gym's, "and we were able to re-use a lot of the lumber, which we believe will be sturdy enough to support the considerable musical heft of Alameda's own 'Ja, und das ist Polka!' band." Their first performance will be Monday, December 21, from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.

"We realize this is pretty late at night for a lot of our regular clientele, but we are hoping to attract some of those mindless yuppies to spend their big wads of money here at Gym's instead of at new places like that raw fish and yogurt beauty parlor," Mr. Dunkelbauer explained to the Alameda Daily Noose and me. "We've added a lot of sweet coffee drinks with funny names to the menu, and we've started using words from various foreign languages instead of 'small,' 'medium,' and 'large.' We've turned down the lights and turned up the music, installed some extra flat-screen T.V.'s, and we've started serving dishes with reductions and compotes and demi-glace, whatever those are. And of course, we've jacked up the prices on everything. We think it's going to be a huge hit!"

In Scathing Response, Little Jimmy Demolishes Little Johnny's Flimsy Arguments

Dear Johnny,

I am writting this to answer your stupid letter from yesterday. Remember what the teacher told you in math class – you dont know what a fact is and what an opinion is.

The facts are the facts. The people that read my letter can draw a conclusion – or not – of whatever they want to from them. They can even draw a picture of stupid Johnny in your stupid Stuperman Underoos if they want to. After all I found the package in your garbage and you never denyed it not even once so you agree I was right all along.

Sounds like you are pretending to know a lot of stuff you do'nt really know and just repeating things that people say about you, even though you dont' understand them.

Sinscerely,
Jimmy Ward

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have to hand it to little Jimmy Ward. His perceptive, thoughtful, and thoroughly original critique of little Johnny's letter systematically demolished each and every one of Johnny's weak attempts at arguments, tearing into them like some kind of unstoppable argument-demolishing machine. The way this kid shines at anything he undertakes reminds us of—dare we even think it, much less say it?—a young Chuck Corica!

Little Johnny Breaks Silence in Weak Attempt to Deflect Devastating Underoos Charges

Dear Alameda Daily Noose Editor,

Please don't put this letter on your website, but I want to set the record straight, like my mom always says. So the problem is that I'm tired of Jimmy Ward saying stuff about people that isn't true. Like, I do not wear Superman Underoos. My little brother does, but why would anyone care about that, anyway?

It seems like Jimmy is always trying to say mean things about somebody for no reason, and the things he says sometimes don't make any sense. Like, one time he told this other kid, "You're a jerk," and when I told him that was a mean thing to say, he said it wasn't because he looked in the dictionary before that and it said that "jerk" means "a quick, sharp pull," so its not a mean word. And then one time in math class he said that 9 x 9=90, and when the teacher said it was 81, Jimmy said, "That's just your opinion!" I don't think he knows what a fact is and what an opinion is.

He also seems to pretend to know a lot of stuff that he doesn't really know. Like, one time I told him, "You're a hominid," because that's something that all people are, and he said, "No I'm not! You're a hominid." It seems like he just repeats things that people say about him, even though he doesn't understand them.

So, that's why I think maybe you shouldn't always post his letters on your website, Mr. Editor. Kids are going to make fun of him when they see his letters, and then he'll start saying the same mean things they said. Maybe it would help if you or somebody else could give him some ideas for how to make his letters better so kids won't make fun of him.

Confidentially,
Johnny Black

Little Jimmy Pulls Down Pants of Deception to Reveal Underoos of Truth

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I have some great news for you. Everybody knows, " 'News' is anything that anybody doesn't want somebody to know." Thats my motto, and maybe your's too.

So what you need to report on is this amazing story I have about how that dumb Johnny is so dumb that he still wears Superman Underoos like he is a little kid or maybe Superman or both. I saw the empty package in the garbage can right in front of his house, so I know for sure.

That is so dumb. Why would anyone ever listen to someone who wears Underoos, or call on them in class, but our teachers still call on Johnny even thought hes dumb. Even he thinks it is dumb because I told him I know that he wears them and he said no I don't that is so dumb. That means it's news cause he doesn't want anyone to know. He says its not true, which means that it must be true but he does'nt want people to know.

Sinsearley,
Jimmy Ward

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Put a Green Twist on an Old Flame

There are a lot of winter holiday traditions out there, and the one thing they all seem to have in common is candles. As much fun as it is to set things on fire, it's important to think about the potential impact of all these candles on the environment. Fortunately, as we environmental writers so often discover, there is a guilt-free solution in the form of a fantastic new consumer product!

Now, those of us who like to enjoy a little sushi while we're getting our nails done (with environmentally friendly polish, of course) know all about edamame, a healthy Japanese snack food which is as delicious with yogurt as it is with beer. Apparently, edamame is made out of soy beans, which are highly flammable, but in a very Zen, connected-with-nature kind of way. You can simply twist the ends into little wicks, light them, and they burn cleanly and greenly for hours.

So the next time you're having edamame, be sure to order plenty extra. You can take them home in one of those handy Styrofoam containers and use them as environmentally friendly alternatives to candles in all of your holiday decorations!

Now, if all of this sounds like too much trouble, fortunately ready-made edamame candles are available for purchase on-line. You know they're perfectly safe because they aren't made with chemicals. The only down side is that they smell so delicious when they're burning that you may find yourself craving yogurt…or a beer!

Cindy Sherman Exposes Yet Another Case of Indoctrination in our Schools

Editor,

Yesterday I overheard my children singing a song they had learned at school. What began as a seemingly innocent song about a series of Christmas presents took a disturbing turn when "eleven pipers piping" were mentioned not once but twice. I did some quick research on the Google, and my worst fears were realized. Just look at what I found on some interweb page:

The pipers referred to in the song would be the professional bagpipe musicians hired to entertain the guests with their music and provide music for dancing.

Just as I suspected! The mention of "pipers piping" was not some innocent reference to plumbing, but rather a clear case of Bagpipe indoctrination in our schools!

This may be hard for Right-Thinking Alamedans to believe, but the idea that the Tartan Agenda would be forced down our throats was openly discussed by rabid Bagpipe-huggers like Roy Avery over a year ago, in the run-up to the presidential election. Unfortunately, Alameda ignored these warning signs and put that Secret Scotsman Barack Obama in the White House, and now those Tartan-clad, Bagpipe-playing chickens are finally coming home to roost.

This brings me to Measure B. Bagipes are a Bad Deal for Alameda. Vote no on Meausure B!

Cindy Sherman