Former City Council Candidate Responds to Danielle MacSteele

Rog,

I understand that some people consider my use of the word "moron" to be name-calling. What kind of knucklehead would think that? Back in 1912, when I was taking psychology at the College of Alameda, we learned "moron" is actually the highest of the three clinical divisions of feeble-mindedness, above "imbecile" and "idiot." Beka Mackeggie should take it as a compliment!

So I'm sorry if you don't like to honor my freedom of speech, Miss MacSteele, but I'll call anyone I want a moron whenever I want, you imbecile! Since some people in this town have a nasty habit of repeating my own words to convince others not to vote for me, I've decided to give them plenty of words to use. So take that, you toad-licking, tax-evading, dweeby idiots!

I stand by my mouth, which is wide open. That's right, I don't care who I offend, because nobody in this town ever makes a decent contribution to the Grump-A-Thon anyway, even though I've repeatedly insulted people who don't make decent contributions. What a town full of losers!

Former City Council Candidate

Some Clueless Writer Lady Claims Beka Mackeggie Is Not a Moron

Editor,

I'm surprised that the Alameda Daily Noose has been devoting so much space to insulting Beka Mackeggie. Beka Mackeggie is not a moron. I have met Beka at several literary functions in Alameda, and found her to be intelligent, thoughtful, and in no way bent on destroying our town through wanton use of humor.

It's hard to believe that this is the same noosepaper that gave its kind support to my most recent work, Devil in a Kilt. I thought you were interested in encouraging our island's diverse literary talents, but I fail to see how name-calling advances the art of letters. Perhaps if the name-calling were in the form of iambic verse, as it is in the works of that great Alamedan poet, Alexander MacPope, I could see some good in it. As it is, however, I see none. I think you do a disservice to your readers when you publish nothing but artless insults in a given day or week.

Please, raise your standards a little, even if it means not publishing absolutely every letter you receive, and restore the literary sheen to your once-proud noosepaper.

Thank you,
Seventh-Generation Alamedan Danielle MacSteele

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I want to be sure you noticed how impartial we are. We publish every letter we receive, and as you can see from the example above, even those writers who don't fully understand our great noosepaper still praise it.

Scoop! of Thai Noodle: King of Destroying Alameda

Dear Roger,

I was circling the block yesterday, waiting for that perfect parking space in front of Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel to open up, all the while fuming about just how bad things have gotten in our pathetic excuses for business districts, when I encountered the most brazen thing I have seen since my days as a singing cocktail waitress in a Navy bar: a sign that reads, "King of Thai Noodle: THE BEST NOODLE HOUSE IN SAN FRANCISCO"!

For a second I thought maybe I had woken up in the wrong town that morning, but I rubbed my eyes and surely enough, there was a big banner nearby that said, "PARK STREET." Listen here, buster, you may have crowned yourself the King of Thai Noodle, but which is it: Alameda or San Francisco?!

Now, maybe this is supposed to be some kind of joke. I know that people like Beka Mackeggie may think that Alameda needs more humor, but Former City Council Candidate and Dave Williamson certainly have her number: "Bekka Mackeggie is a Moron." I mean, how can we trust someone who can't even decide how many k's are in her name? I know Dave Williamson would never get a thing like that wrong, because he is such a bright young man and his research is always so accurate.

However, I would be even more upset to learn that the sign is not a joke. That would mean that my greatest fear has come to pass: those outsiders who want to turn Alameda into San Francisco are starting to get their way! If Park Street is already part of San Francisco, how much longer until my house is also in San Francisco, with all of the dirt, crime, steep sidewalks and world-class art institutions that that entails? I don't want my neighborhood to be crawling with filthy artists!

Worriedly yours once more,
Marlene Verloren

Dave Williamson Agrees: "Bekka Mackeggie is a Moron"

Rog,

In her letter last week, Former City Council Candidate described Alameda author Beka Mackeggie as a "moron." Ms. Mackeggie asserts that Alameda "is not devoid of humor anymore than Berkeley or Albany are." But one measurement of "humor" is the number of comedy clubs per square mile (CCPSM) relative to the nearest large city with skyscrapers and a subway system, in our case San Francisco.

As the chart below shows, Alameda ranks well behind both Berkeley and Albany, in terms of CCPSM (except in the case of Albany, which is far funnier than its CCPSM alone implies), and far, far behind San Francisco. While Alameda has higher humor levels than, say, Livermore or Fremont (which, despite scoring the same CCPSM, are inherently unfunny), the numbers don't bear out Ms. Mackeggie's assertions. Former City Council Candidate was right.

Dave Williamson

City	Land Area in Square Miles	Comedy Clubs	Comedy Clubs per Square Mile (CCPSM)
San Francisco	46.69	8	0.1713
Berkeley	10.46	1	0.09560
Albany	1.7	0	0.0000
Oakland	56.06	1	0.01784
Alameda	10.8	0	0.0000
Livermore	23.92	0	0.0000
Fremont	76.69	0	0.0000
Pleasanton	21.67	1	0.04615

Huge Jam Planned for Webster Street

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that the West Alameda Business District intends to create some kind of huge "jam" this weekend, by which we can only assume they mean "traffic jam." We uncovered this dastardly plot by scouring their interweb site for subtle clues like press releases. It seems that they are going to cause the jam by reducing the number of traffic lanes on Webster Street. They then expect the extra space to be filled—in a flagrant violation of Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"—with roving bands of Scottish dancers and other such "musical" menaces to our way of life in Alameda. Where will it end?

Of course, it's ridiculous to assume that just setting aside some street space is going to cause people to start dancing. That sort of thing might work in Manhattan, where traffic is so bad that people are forced to dance in order to get anywhere, but nobody dances in Alameda—we're an island! Those social engineers on Webster Street will soon find out what a failure their deliberate increase of traffic congestion is. And when that happens, it will be the duty of the Alameda Daily Noose and me to say, "We told you so!"

Former City Council Candidate: "Beka Mackeggie is a Moron"

Editor,

I hear that Beka Mackeggie is refusing to admit that she was completely wrong about humor not being deadly dangerous. Let me tell you I have had an especially unamusing day, and its her fault for being such a stubborn trouble-maker. She is trying to tell us that everyone should be laughing all the time. Well I haven't laughed since 1979, and I don't plan to start that again anytime soon.

What makes her think there is anything to laugh about? Maybe she's one of those rare people who's lucky enough to be happy once in a while, but we all don't live in this bubble of wonderfulness. It seems to me that her goal is to ban anything that's serious in any way, as if having fewer problems could make anyone more cheerful. Ha!

Beka Mackeggie is a moron.

Former City Council Candidate

Local Grocery Store Urges Alamedans to Feed the Squirrels

Dear Roger,

I went to the Trader Joe's today -- I do hate trying to find a place to park at South Shore, but I needed to purchase a bottle of Charles Shaw's finest in order to make my famous coq au vin -- and was stunned to see the attached sign. MAKE YOUR SQUIRREL A SANDWICH, with organic peanut butter, no less? Obviously the management of this store has been co-opted by the Bushy-Tailed Menace, and they are shamelessly demanding that we spend our hard-earned dollars, not to mention our precious time, feeding these scuirine pests! Between this shocking display and the bronze squirrel statue already erected at the shopping center, it is obvious that South Shore has become "ground zero" for Squirrel sympathizers. I plan to start growing grapes in Alameda's cool Mediterranean climate and make my own wine, so I can boycott these pro-Squirrel establishments!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's note:

It's obvious that Miss Jacket-Purse has misinterpreted the meaning of the sign in the photo. The truth is that adding peanut butter and jelly to a Squirrel makes it more palatable in sandwich form, and turning Squirrels into sandwiches is a time-honored means of fighting the Sciurine menace. Once you have bagged your Squirrel, following the excellent example of our future Vice President, Sarah Palin, it is your patriotic duty as an Alamedan to "make it a sandwich," thus converting the bushy-tailed beast from a threat to a source of energy for the Global War on Squirrels.