Last Night's Meeting of Ennui Board Still in Progress

At press time, Alameda's Ennui Board was still wandering the streets in search of those last few citizens who had not yet submitted written or spoken comments on all of last night's agenda. After the Board has received those comments, it will need to carefully add up the numbers for, against, and neutral on the various items requiring a vote of the Board. No votes can be made until every citizen's opinion has been taken into consideration, and it is clear which way the political wind is blowing.

As Ennui Board member Walter Drib explained to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, after knocking on our door to obtain our comments, the only way for any elected body to make a decision is by counting the number of citizens favoring a "no" or "yes" vote. "Too many politicians these days seem to think that the people elect them to make decisions," Mr. Drib complained. "The Ennui Board, on the other hand, recognizes that Alamedans want to make all decisions for themselves. The added benefit of this approach is that the extra time required to collect input often results in matters resolving themselves, usually through a missed opportunity for action."

According to members of the Ennui Board, Inaction Alameda has praised them highly for their thorough research, which invariably leads them to the correct conclusions.

Palin Takes Fight to the Squirrels and Their Allies

Until just a few days ago, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had been in despair over the state of the presidential race. First brave anti-Squirrel crusader Mike Huckleberry was forced to drop out, then came disturbing revelations about John McCain's clandestine ties to Squirrels, and finally Barack Obama was exposed as a kilt-clad Secret Scotsman. Well, all of that changed with McCain's shocking announcement that Sarah Palin, the bible-thumping, gun-toting hockey mom featured in that well-researched Alaskan documentary series "Northern Exposure," will be his running mate.

According to some worthless rag called the Chicago Tribune, Miss Palin is not only taking the fight to the Squirrels, but also the Squirrel-hugging liberal media:

Expect Palin to knock squirrels out of trees across Ohio and Pennsylvania, along with other critters, fur and feathered. Unlike other candidates, she'll probably do her own shooting and skinning, and maybe roast them on sticks, with a pinch of salt, demanding reporters eat some, so they can say it tastes like chicken.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I had been holding out hope of writing in Heidi Wilson for president, but with Palin on the ticket we can finally put aside our reservations about John McCain and vote Republican with a clear conscience. We may not agree with McCain on any of the issues, and we may still believe that he is Soft on Squirrels; however, when we think of Miss Palin drawing a bead on a scurrilous Squirrel, nothing else seems to matter. Almost as exciting, Miss Palin's name will actually be on the presidential ballot! And how can any Right-Thinking Alamedan resist the political allure of roasted Squirrel on a stick?

So watch out, Squirrels and shameless Squirrel-loving "news" media! Well might the hairs on your flea-bitten pelts stand on end. Once this election is over, and Sarah Palin and her running mate, what's-his-name, have been swept to victory, your days will indeed be numbered.

Alameda's Herb Albert Making a Run for the Border

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that local jazz legend and foe of Squirrels Mr. Herb Albert is taking his show back on the road. Mr. Albert will no doubt soon be entertaining audiences in far-flung parts of rural Alameda, and beyond. We are sure that our loyal readers will miss our skillful and timely publications of Mr. Albert's modestly helpful leads in our ongoing investigation of the local Squirrel Problem. Clearly, he has realized that such work is safe in our capable hands, and feels free to pursue his musical ambitions, thanks to the Alameda Daily Noose and me.

Snotty Letter-Writer Tries to Tell Us All How to Shop

Editor,

I've been hearing some talk lately about supporting local businesses, and it's made me think. Sure, I love hopping in my car and going on a shopping spree at my favorite Target store, but I recently decided to try buying a few small items at stores in Alameda, just to see what it's like.

I have to say, it wasn't as difficult and unpleasant as I'd always imagined. It turns out that there are lots of good-quality products available right here in Alameda, and there are even some great bargains! I wouldn't want to be hasty, but what with new stores and restaurants opening up, I can almost imagine going for entire weekends without leaving town.

My friends all think I'm crazy for even suggesting such a thing, but I'm starting to think that that's what people have in mind when they talk about supporting local businesses. I know it's good for our tax base, and saves me money on gasoline, so I think I might continue with my experiment. Of course, buying things locally isn't for everyone, but I thought some of your readers might be interested in hearing about my novel experiences, so I'll let you know how it goes.

Dawn Diamond

Editor's comments:

This ridiculous letter from some sanctimonious Poindexter is a load of complete hogwash. Everyone knows that it's too expensive to buy from local businesses, which never have anything worth buying anyway. Besides, some of us can't give up buying toilet paper by the forklift pallet. These days, we can barely afford to fill up our SUV's to drive to the outlet store for our monthly groceries, so how are we supposed to pay premium prices for boutique toilet paper in Alameda?

Clearly, it's impossible for anyone to support local businesses and still get everything they need without going bankrupt. It is beyond the Alameda Daily Noose and me how an ignorant little twit like Miss Diamond can lambaste all of us good, honest bargain shoppers for not buying anything in Alameda. Just because she has the luxury of being able to buy "good-quality products" doesn't mean that the rest of us should have to. Any "bargains" that she finds can't possibly be as good as the bargains that we get by driving that extra mile outside Alameda, which can't possibly hurt our tax base, because everyone is already doing it, so what's the problem?

Miss Diamond lives in a fantasy land. She thinks everyone should be forced to buy everything in specialty shops for twice the amount they would charge elsewhere. The Alameda Daily Noose and I bet she doesn't even practice what she preaches; in fact, we're 100% positive that we think we heard from someone who's pretty sure that a friend might have said that Miss Diamond has an entire basement stuffed full of bulk products from Sam's Club, while she expects the rest of us peons to content ourselves with shopping locally. What a filthy rotten hypocrite!

You know what? If that goody-two-shoes Miss Diamond doesn't like the way we shop in Alameda, then she should go live someplace where people already shop the way she wants them to!

Bushy-Tailed Terrorists with Toxic Chemicals Dance across So-Called Newspaper's Front Page

The Alameda Daily Noose and I never read those sorry excuses for Alameda "newspapers" that litter doorsteps all over this town. However, we have it on good authority that the Alameda Puppy Trainer, despite warnings that We Are On To Them, continue to allow Squirrels to run rampant through their coverage of supposedly unrelated "news" items. Just look at this quotation from last Thursday's front page:

"The proposed plan, if implemented, would leave uncharacterized industrial-type wastes in a condition vulnerable to future releases by seismic damage, shoreline erosion, site inundation and incursion by burrowing animals," such as ground SQUIRRELS, wrote George Humphreys, co-chair of the RAB.

It's almost as if the "editor" of that so-called paper is goading the Alameda Daily Noose and me by inserting references to Squirrels on purpose. Of course, everyone who works on that rag is far too ignorant to understand how offensive seemingly off-handed Squirrel references are to Right-Thinking Alamedans. Even if they were aware of it, they aren't even competent enough to tie their own shoes, let alone weave such a fiendishly cunning web of deception.

Of course, just because the Puppy Trainer can't possibly be conscious of how irksome they are, that doesn't mean we are going to let them off the hook. Anyone who mentions Squirrels as much as they do deserves to be treated with suspicion.

Alameda Daily Noose Soon to Be No Longer Soon to Be Award Winning

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are pleased to announce that our relentless coverage of our soon-to-be-award-winning status has paid off! And when we say "paid off," we mean to the tune of roughly 910,150 U.S. dollars, depending on the exchange rate. Here is the official letter that we received with the happy news that we are now soon-to-be-almost-millionaires:

From: Dell@ms1.vianet.ca 
Sent: Tuesday, September 2, 2008 3:18 AM 
To: rogergrumbel@gmail.com 
Subject: PROMOTIONAL AWARD 
 
Dell Award Notification 
 
We are delighted to inform you that you are one 
of the THREE LUCKY WINNERS whose e-mail address 
won the sum payout of 500,000 pounds.(Five 
Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterlings Only) in the 
DELL ELECTRONICS SEASONAL AWARD 2008. 
 
Please be informed that all participants were 
selected through a computer ballot system drawn 
from over 30,000 company and 50,000,000 
individual email addresses and names from all 
over the world. To file in for your claims, 
contact our claim's agent  with your 
information as provided below: 
 
Brown Williams 
Email:dell_claimsunit101@yahoo.com.hk 
 
Full Names:......Country:....... 
Tel:......Marital Status.........Sex....... 
Age:.... Occupation:.... Nationality:....... 
Residential Address: ......... 
How Do You Wish To Receive Your Funds? 1. Cheque 
Delivery by Courier 2. Direct Bank Transfer 
 
Mrs Maureen Graham(Information Officer) 

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are honored to be chosen for this season's award. We are so eager that we simply can't wait for some slowpoke courier to bring us what we so richly deserve, so we're sending Miss Graham-Cracker our bank account number right away. We only hope that we have figured out how to spend all that money by the time we win the award for the next season!

Labor Day Special: Encore Presentation of Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I know how much our readers love for things to stay just the way they are, and that's why our encore presentations of exactly the same material that was published earlier are so popular. In fact, some of them are so popular that they deserve their own encore presentations!

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Alameda Daily Noose and I always get nostalgic on holidays, and Labor Day is no exception. This is a time to for Alamedans everywhere to express their gratitude for those who toil long hours under the most difficult working conditions imaginable to bring you the comforts of modern life: things we all take for granted, like an uninterrupted flow of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. Today, as we reflect on the Herculean deeds of heroic men and their trusty noosepapers, we're sure that our loyal readers also long for a trip down memory lane. Travel with us now back to the spring of 2007, a time when a young Dave Williamson taught us how to laugh at the mistakes of others, a time when Former City Council Candidate sounded the wake-up call to a community in danger of going soft on Squirrels, a time when those darned teeny-boppers danced too suggestively to the strains of Justin Timberlake's number-six hit, "What Goes Around…Comes Around." Then, on Monday, May 14, 2007, like a smack upside the head in the middle of a cold shower, came a letter from right-thinking Alamedan Morton A. Whitling, a letter so astonishingly good that it changed a sleepy island town forever. Now, through the magic of "copy and paste," let us re-live this historic event together:

Dear Editor,

Thank you so much for the Alameda Daily Noose. It is a beautiful thing. And your television show is just spectacular. I watch every episode over and over again until I have memorized everything you say. Really - if you run into me at the grocery store some time, just quiz me and I am sure that I can quote you back to you, verbatim, from any show since the June 19, 2002 episode. Then again, I might be a bit too "star-struck" to be coherent around you; thank goodness for the Internet where we can carefully compose our letters to the editor and take out all the speling mistakes!

Anyways, my wife Claire is expecting, I am wondering if you and your wife would be godparents to our child (it's a girl!!!) It would be an amazing honor to have a celebrity as "part of the family." We love you all so much and we want our daughter to grow up with you as part of her life.

Your website is just so AMAZING. I love the color yellow; it's so under-used in journalism for some reason. And I just can't get over how impartial you are. And I appreciate you printing only the news that none of the other newspapers will print. It shows that you care about Alameda, and you aren't in the pocket of those fat-cat developers who want nothing more than to turn Alameda into a dirty, crowded city like Oakland.

I just love Alameda. I love getting in my car, rolling down the windows, and smelling the beautiful air generated by our beautiful trees along the street. Sometimes I even take myself for a spin down to the beach, and look at the beautiful high-rises in San Francisco and be thankful that they are far, far away. I love to drive by the Victorians and wave at them, and drive by the apartments and give them dirty looks (and even say "boooooo" when I've had a few too many, but don't tell that to the Mrs.!) This is what makes Measure A great. Alameda. It's what it's all about, and you are there, watching over it for us.

And thank you for standing up to defend Measure A. It's a tireless job, but as a journalist with integrity, you push aside the naysayers and you don't let them have their piece. It's what democracy is all about, and it makes me proud to be an Alamedan-American.

Love,

Morton A. Whitling