The Alameda Daily Noose and I Pause to Reflect

Lately, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have been looking over some of our past journalistic masterpieces, and wondering, have we been too grumpy? It's not that we could ever be wrong in our evaluation of the hottest issues in our community, but maybe some of them aren't quite as imminently threatening as we thought at first. For example, Squirrels are annoying, without a doubt, but is there really reason to believe that they have a wide network of covert operations underway in Alameda and were responsible for the fraudulent election of our current President, Secret Scotsman Barack Obama?

And speaking of Scotsmen, maybe a little more Tartan-Oriented Development is exactly what our community needs. Of course, that would lead to increased Bagpipe traffic, but there aren't really that many Bagpipers on our streets now. Other communities are already housing more than their share of Bagpipers, and Alameda could easily absorb some of the excess Pipers. The resulting reduction in acoustic competition among overcrowded Pipers would make the entire Bay Area more livable.

Perhaps we were hasty in labeling the mayor as an Evil Robot. Maybe she's just a mildly malicious Robot. And her minions, such as that John Knox White guy, might actually be well-meaning, intelligent people who love Alameda but just happen to disagree with us.

Ha! April Fool! We hope we didn't scare you too much. The Alameda Daily Noose and I realize that not everyone has such a good sense of humor as we do. We'll give you a moment to catch up and understand the tremendous prank we just pulled on you. Are you feeling better now? Don't worry, we know full well that Alameda wouldn't be Alameda without plenty of snap judgments and general grumpiness. Our journalistic integrity demands that we continue to bring you scoops of hard-hitting grump, and stand behind our noble persecution of Wrong-Thinking "Alamedans."

Long-Awaited "KFC" Coming to Park Street Shopping District

Dear Rog:

Residents may have noticed the sounds and sights of new construction in the Park Street area for the first time in many months. Yes, that's right, we have a new restaurant coming to the Park Street Shopping District, one that people have been demanding for decades. It's a new business that comes our way all the way from the state of Kentucky, famous for its blue grass music, Bourbon Street, and that adorable little "KU Jayhawk" college mascot. Yes, it's called "Kentucky Fried Chicken", or for those "under twenty" hipsters for convenience in typing into their twittering eye-phones and BlueBerries, its short name is KFC.

We are more than a little excited to have "KFC" finally coming to Park Street! It will be opening up at the corner of Park Avenue (Park Street's younger sibling, but still a part of the Park Street district) and Encinal Avenue, across from Jackson Park. This is great improvement to this corner, which has been needing some fresh businesses for a while. All that we had at this corner was a "restaurant" that was, coincidentally, also called KFC. We're glad that eyesore of a building has finally been demolished and the owners of that seedy dive kicked off of the island, as it was a drain on the Jackson Park area's charming character.

Come by and say "hello" to the friendly construction crew as they put the walls and roof up on Alameda's soon-to-be favorite restaurant. This new part of the Park Street Scene promises to be classy yet family-friendly, and great for both lunchtime high school students on a tight budget as well as the most discerning eater looking for a four-star experience. And don't worry, the owner promises plenty of flat-screen televisions—one over each booth!

—Michael Moose
Executive Director
Park Street Merchants' Association

Scoop! of Revelations: Mayor Johnson's "Robotic" Call Now on the U-Tubes

Editor's Comments:

On Thursday, many Alamedans received a telephone call from Alameda's lame duck mayor, Beverly Johnson. The Alameda Daily Noose and I soon realized that this was no ordinary phone call, but rather a shocking and surprising revelation of our so-called mayor's shocking hidden secret. We have once again scooped all of the other major news media by obtaining the following exclusive, 100% accurate dramatization of Thursday's "Robotic" call to Alameda residents, which we have posted on the U-Tubes so that all Right-Thinking Alamedans, even those crazy kids today, can see it for themselves:



Johnson courted Alameda voters by stating on her campaign in the mayoral election that she was a "good" "person" who could be "trusted." Her signs included the slogan, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." However, as the "Robotic" call and our hard-hitting dramatization thereof prove, our so-called mayor is, in fact, an Evil Robot bent on destroying Alameda with some kind of "Force Fields" emanating from a secret base cleverly disguised as a Tartan-Oriented Development.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I suspected all along that the mayor is an Evil Robot, but we did not mention it publicly for fear of creating a panic. Well, the time for panic has finally arrived. Today at noon, there will be a demonstration at City Hall protesting the mayor's plan to build a secret base at Alameda Point as a launching pad for her army of Robotic minions to enslave the human race.

We hope that this will be only the first of many demonstrations against the mayor's diabolical plan with increasing numbers of protesters in future weeks to insure that the Evil Robots will be defeated in the upcoming Apocalyptic Battle for Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way. We hear it's scheduled for November.

Roger Grumbel

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Spring Cleaning

In Spring, a person's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of cleaning. But wait! Before you pull the trigger on that bottle of spray cleaning solution, have you read the label? I've read a lot of labels in the course of my in-depth green living research, and let me tell you, some of the things on those labels are scary! For your own peace of mind, take a look at what's in your cleaning closet. If you see yucky-sounding words like "Chlorinated phenols" or "Perchloroethylene" on your usual cleaning products, it could be time for a change.

When you see a label like that, immediately remove it from the container of cleaning product. Then, cut out the Green Cleaning label below, and tape it onto the container where the old label was.
Presto! No more scary words. By the way, you might also want to write in a description of what the product is for, so that you don't accidentally wash your clothes in bleach, or Armor All your carpet instead of shampooing it.

Once you get those nasty labels out of your life, you'll rediscover the joy of cleaning with a clear conscience. So come on, everyone, and let's do some green washing!

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 14 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 17, 2009
Despite public outrage, the Council majority voted to force homeowners to house their in-laws for extended periods, whether they like it or not. One of the public speakers in favor of this blantant governmental abuse used the wrong word at the 1:12:42 mark, so we can safely assume that everything he said was inaccurate and deliberately deceptive.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 23, 2009


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, March 25, 2009


Nothing Worth Complaining About:

Janet Marchant Has a New Chinese Fan

It's clear from a "comment" that appeared, as if by magic, on a page of the Alameda Daily Noose last week, that someone in China enjoyed Janet Marchant's most recent "Green Living" column. This is quite an honor, since we understand that China sets an example for the rest of the world when it comes to environmental responsibility and, more importantly, saving money. Janet must be light-years ahead of the Chinese on both counts, proving once again that Alameda leads the world by example.

So it is with great pleasure, and understandable smugness, that we give a hearty "Ni hao" to the Alameda Daily Noose's financially sound, Clean Coal-burning fans in China!

Evil Developer Really Pushing It with Ridiculous Plan for Gondoliers

We all know that Evil Developers say the darnedest things, so it should come as no surprise that the latest plans to destroy Alameda Point involve forcing everyone there to travel by gondolier. That might be okay for anyone who both lives and works on the shore (as if anyone would want to live anywhere on that toxic swamp of pristine open space), but what about people who want to go to inland destinations? It's ridiculous to expect anyone to hold onto heavy bags of groceries or other large purchases while balancing on the shoulders of a huffing, puffing, gondolier.

Besides, it's a well-believed fact that in order for a gondolier to gain momentum, he must first start singing, and then continue singing in order to maintain a constant speed. As if the constant din of bagpipes in Alameda weren't bad enough, the city now wants to add multiple simultaneous renditions of "O Sole Mio" to our already noisy streets.

Nobody wants to travel by gondolier in this country, as they soon found out in that nearby city that's not Alameda. People love their cars too much to allow gondoliers, maglev personal transporter pods, unicorn-drawn omnibuses, or anything else to replace them. If the development plans for Alameda Point go forward (although of course they are doomed to fail in this economy), all of our tax money is going to be wasted on straw hats that will then be tilted over the somnolent eyes of idle gondoliers, and no-one will be able to get anywhere in Alameda.