Scoop! Startling Footage Smuggled Out of Bushy-Tailed Terrorist Training Camp

Roger,

This documentary on the coming Rodent invasion is very scary. The newsteam infiltrates a Squirrel Terrorist Training Camp and provides some startling footage. The determination of these mangy threats is admirable while also disturbing. The story then follows the Terrorists right to the shores of one our nations biggest cities. This is why we need Measure Acorn, to stop the Squirrel insurgency.

Windemere Blovias

Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

It is important for members of our community to recognize worthy achievements within the community, wherever they may be found. That is why Inaction Alameda has spent long hours to put together a Report Card evaluating last week's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, which, coincidentally, was also authored by Inaction Alameda. It's available here:

REPORT CARD
Thorough Research	A+
Hard-Hitting Analysis	A+
Fair and Balanced Objectivity	A+
Modesty	A+
Not Muddying the Water with "Facts"	A+
Alamedaness	A++

Rog, I hope you will continue your soon-to-be-award-winning investigative reporting on boondoggles such as the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates in downtown mainland Alameda which is attached to the historic and minimally-refurbished Alameda Theatre. I have a feeling that there might be an "A+" with a shiny gold star in your future!

Dave Williamson

Inaction Alameda's Report Card Gives 5 "F"s to Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

Does anybody remember the Great Depression? This is the direction our current Mayor is taking us on - down a path where ultimately we will have to roll wheelbarrows full of money down to Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel just to buy a single pat of butter. It's unconscionable.

Don't believe me? Read our report card on the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. It's available here:

REPORT CARD
Height	F
Number of Parking Spaces	F
Ownership and Operation	F
Vertical Columns and Shear Walls	F
Concrete Masonry Units (CMU)	F

We are not making this up! All of it is based on supporting documentation provided by the City of Alameda itself, right here in this so-called "fact" sheet and these supposed "minutes" of a quote-unquote "council meeting" held earlier this year. We, too, are amazed that the City would leave this kind of explosive stuff just lying around, considering how bad it makes them look. Perhaps if they weren't such a bunch of incompetent boobs they would have anticipated that Inaction Alameda would use the data to give them this scathing indictment.

Does this phenomenal carelessness prove that democracy is crumbling beneath our feet, and our community is about to plunge into a dark age in which citizens are all herded into work gangs and made to haul huge concrete blocks into place to build towering pyramids in honor of the very officials that some of us so foolishly "elected" not long ago? Possibly.

Dave Williamson

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka Defends His, Um, Friend

My Fair, Balanced Editor:

How fortunate that Walter Drib has provided me with an opportunity to refute the claims that I exaggerate about the Sun-Blotting intentions of our City government. I have – never, not even once, exaggerated in my life – and I am not prone to making blanket statements of any kind without being absolutely sure that I am 110% correct in my beliefs.

First Mr. Drib makes all kinds of salacious suggestions about my relationship with a certain former Ennui Board member whose name I shall not sully by dragging poor Marlene into this tawdry affair. I assure Mr. Drib that this person and I are merely Good Friends, nothing more. I will have Mr. Drib know that the rumors he has heard are groundless. If he must know, I was visiting her sick mother. She was sick for quite some time, and to this day she suffers frequent relapses, the Poor Dear. I ask him, does he begrudge me the fact that I accepted Miss Verloren's, er, I mean, this person's generous offer of breakfast and a cigarette after one or two of these extended Sympathy Calls?

And I believe that Mr. Drib is entirely mistaken in his opinion of a certain former Ennui Board member's worthiness. There is no one better qualified to serve on that board than Marlene, I mean that unnamed person – is, and her lack of attendance at meetings was proof of that. Anyone with even a passing familiarity with the concept of "ennui" would understand that arriving bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for each and every one of these tedious, banal exercises in Bureaucracy known as "meetings" – when one could instead be sitting in a dark cafe sipping Absinthe, chain smoking and contemplating the utter futility of Existence, would demonstrate that one was entirely unfit to serve on the Ennui Board.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Walter Drib's Open Letter to Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka Re: Creation of a "Solar Panel"

Editor,

As someone who has served on the City's Ennui Board for several years, I object to Milhouse K. "Grr" Sanka's description of boards and commissions in general as "useless," and further implying that their being useless is necessarily a bad thing. One ought to be leery of anything that is too useful, after all, as I know well from my efforts on the Ennui Board to prevent excessive change in Alameda.

The formation of boards and commissions is a well-recognized means of delaying many types of possible change, so I am hard-pressed to understand why Mr. Sanka would object to a new one, unless perhaps he is still resentful on behalf of a certain former Ennui Board member who is close to him. If this former member had attended some of the meetings, maybe she would still be on the board.

Mr. Sanka's accusations regarding plans to blot out the sun are undoubtedly grossly exaggerated, and influenced heavily by his continued bitterness over the Ennui Board incident.

Walter Drib

5:02 a.m.: Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka's Open Letter to Mayor and Councilmembers

My Dear, Honorable, Elected Officials:

Recently I became aware of a Sinister Plan being promoted by Alameda Power & Telecom to create yet another useless City Board and/or Commission called the "Solar Panel," which would erect an Infernal Machine to blot out the sun and then charge our homeowners outrageous rates for electricity to light our domiciles, to say nothing of cable television and interweb videos to watch during those long days of permanent darkness. In fact, the foundation for the Sun-Blotting Device to be controlled by the "Solar Panel" is already in place, ingeniously disguised as a combination parking garage and Zeppelin port. How do I know this? I know this because I read about it in an objective and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper – not in one of those local fish wraps and dog trainers run by interlopers with preset convictions – and no history of life in our great city. So, without further adieu:

1. I urge you, My Sweet, Tender, Elected Officials, not to open the so-called "Pandora's Box" by approving the creation of this "Solar Panel." Once the "Pandora's Box" is opened, it's very difficult to get "Pandora" back inside. And as I mentioned earlier, the foundation of the Sun-Blotting Device is already in place, which leaves only the opening of the so-called "Box" between us and Certain Doom. Do we want a bunch of non-elected Pencil-Necked Bureaucrats controlling our Sun? Hardly! Read on.

2. Some have alleged that my concern over the "Solar Panel" has become a personal Crusade, my "so-called goal in life." What blundering idiots! My goal(s) in my life, after treading this planet for nearly as many years as there are words in one of my shorter Grumpy Letters to the Editor, surely have been/are/undoubtedly shall remain greater in magnitude than that which you would otherwise assume.

3. My verified career accomplishments – intramural, interpersonal and interdepartmental are manifold – I have eaten Squirrels for breakfast, I have defended Grand St. against none other than John…Knox…White, I have been to the Gates of Hell and back and I have even been to Oakland.

4. My unverified career accomplishments – interstate, international and intergalactic, including defeating a horde of bagpiping "Measure Angus" opponents with one hand tied behind my back and no earplugs, traveling as a Soldier of Fortune to war-torn lands and Parking in Front of the Houses of Infamous Dictators and negotiating a peace treaty with an army of hostile alien invaders will attest to the fact that my energies have been/are/always will be devoted to protecting Truth, Justice and the Alamedan Way – not abusing them.

5. Wait, what was I talking about again?

6. Oh right, the "Solar Panel." Let me add, I did not seek publicity on my efforts and success. Well, other than the multiple Grumpy Letters to the Editor I wrote to one fair and balanced and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. Oh, and other than that one front-page story in the Alameda Puppy Trainer. To this day, few know of my efforts other than the Alameda Daily Noose and Rog. Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the honors and accolades you undoubtedly wish to bestow upon me.

7. Not even if you beg me.

8. Well, OK, maybe if you really grovel and put your heart into it.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Says One Good Tern Deserves Another…But Three's an OUTRAGE!

Roger,

How can citizens just stand by while the developers of Alameda Point are planning to exploit the Least Tern Density Bonus to turn our island into a nightmare of San Francisco style high-rise wildlife preservation? Would YOU want to live next door to a 200-unit subsidized Tern nesting facility? Think of the noise! And no parked car would be safe in that neighborhood, unless you could afford the astronomical car-washing bills. Some of us love our families too much to spend that much money cleaning Least Tern leavings off of our cars.

There is already more Tern traffic in Alameda than anywhere else in the Bay Area. Enough is enough! If people want to provide living space for Least Terns at the Point, they can build single, or at most, double nesting spots, but stacking Terns on top of each other is inhumane both for the Terns and for us! I am OUTRAGED that anyone would even imagine suggesting that we sacrifice our way of life to satisfy the avian accomodation industry, colloquially known as "Big Bird."

They say birds of a feather flock together…but let them do it somewhere else!

Yours in Outrage,
Donald Kirkland