Award-Winning Squirrel Is Cause for Concern, Confusion

Washington (AP) October 8 2008

The nation's highest military honor, the Gold Acorn of Freedom, was awarded to Pvt. B. Tail of the newly created Sciuridae Division of the US Armed Forces in this pool photograph released by the Pentagon Wednesday. Pvt. Tail, of the 13th Deciduous Division, 23rd Non-mechanized Powerline Climbing Regiment, II Corps based at the Ansbach garrison in Germany, infiltrated a suspected Taliban base in Afghanistan, and directed ground artillery and airstrikes against the enemy.

The results proved lethal for the enemy squirrels who were then dressed and served to Coalition soldiers from the Ukraine contingent.



Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning out our mailbag the other day, assuming we would find more new year's accolades, when we discovered the following press release stuck to the bottom of the bag by some kind of reddish viscous substance not unlike barbecue sauce. We would like to apologize on behalf of Marc Alpert of Tijuana Brass Band fame for his sloppy eating habits, which delayed our publication of his latest dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. We must say that we find the subject matter of his report deeply disturbing and not a little confusing. As soon-to-be-award-winning journalists, we fail to understand why a Squirrel should receive any kind of award, and most certainly not before we get what's coming to us. We have often warned that our federal government is dangerously Soft on Squirrels, and this latest development is disheartening evidence of a growing trend. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are rightfully disgusted by such sciurine appeasement. We do like the part about the Squirrel kabobs, though. They look delicious!

Scoop! of Campus Chaos: Squirrels Continue to Terrorize Hallowed Halls of Academia

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were thrilled that Right-Thinking Alamedan Herb Albert has once again taken time out from his busy touring schedule with his Tijuana Brass Band to send us the following "Gee mail" dispatch from the Collegiate Front of the Global War on Squirrels:

From: marc albert
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: UC Eggheads join Global War on Squirrels

UC Davis under the Iron Heel of relentless organized squirrel attacks...Squirrels have attacked campus food supplies, and staged damaging suicide attacks against command and control centers by sabotaging electrical power systems. Wake UP America!

http://www.news.ucdavis.edu/search/news_detail.lasso?id=8845

excerpt:

"In seven years, we went from having no eastern fox squirrels on the campus to having more than 400, and there is currently no sign that their reproduction is slowing down," Krause said this week.

"This is an introduced species that has demonstrated elsewhere that it is prolific, adaptable, invasive and problematic for many reasons."

Krause, who earned a bachelor of science degree in natural resources at Cornell University (another campus well-populated with tree squirrels), said the squirrels' impacts could include:

* Injuries to people: More and more eastern fox squirrels are approaching students on the Quad and at Lake Spafford. No one here has been hurt yet. But in other communities, squirrels have become aggressive food-snatchers, especially from children, and people have been scratched and bitten.

* Competition with native plants and animals: Eastern fox squirrels eat the same foods, such as oak acorns, as native gray squirrels and native birds. Fox squirrels also eat bird eggs and baby birds.

* Damage to teaching plant collections: For example, fox squirrels have begun chewing the bark of redwood trees in the UC Davis Arboretum. Bark damage can weaken and even kill a tree.

* Damage to campus facilities: Fox squirrels have entered campus buildings. Like rats, they have an affinity for chewing on electric wires. On other university campuses, they have crashed the power supply.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that the College of Alameda will take this lesson to heart, and start treating the Sciurine Threat seriously. Certainly, it makes little difference whether the various Squirrel factions such as "fox" and "gray" compete with each other for the same resources, and they are all welcome to damage each other's strategic tree outposts as much as they please, but the other trends mentioned in this dispatch are alarming.

Note that the Squirrels seem to concentrate their destructive effort on the young of whatever species they target, for example, snatching food "especially from children." The Alameda Daily Noose and I fear that it may not end there. We were particularly disturbed by the reference to Squirrels having developed a taste for eggs, and even baby birds. Today, it may be baby birds, but before we know it, it could be baby humans!

Scoop! of Utmost Secrecy: Squirrelist Training Camp

Rog,

US Army Rangers Photograph taken during recent incursion into Pakistan

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Editor's Comments:

The letter above arrived not through our preferred method of delivery (carrier pigeon), but rather through "gee-mail." Although it would appear to the untrained, non-interweb-savvy eye that the author did not sign his missive, the Alameda Daily Noose and I did a little highly technical investigation and we can report with confidence that the message came from none other than Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame. Clearly, he's concerned that his celebrity status might detract from the seriousness of his dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels, which is why we've decided to keep his identity a secret. We're only sorry that we can't wish him good luck on his tour of rural Alameda and, apparently, rural Pakistan. Once he and his band give those Pakistani Squirrels a little taste of honey, so to speak, they won't stand a chance!

Of course, we expect our loyal readers to be discreet, and not go spreading this information around willy-nilly via gee-mail, the interweb, pigeon, or what have you. The above image, in particular, could cause a panic if it were to circulate widely. Such delicate matters are best handled by professional journalists, who can avoid tipping off the Squirrels to the intelligence that has been gathered in conjunction with the Army Rangers' Special Operation "I Can Has Cheezburger," (a confusing yet deliciously secretive code name if we've ever heard one). So please, Right-Thinking Alamedans, if you know any folks who are still ignorant of the Squirrel threat, let them ease into it. Just tell them to put on some of those interweb "goggles" that everyone's talking about and type in "Global War on Squirrels" or "World's Greatest Noosepaper," and they will soon see the light.

¡Scoop! South(west) of the (Clinton) Border

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently received this hot tip from Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:

Roger,

I wanted to alert you to a BLATANT violation of Alameda's bagpipe limiting Measure Angus that I personally witnessed this morning. Perhaps, an enterprising reporter such as yourself, could record and expose this flagrant outrage. I witnessed this outrage in front of 887 Cedar Street, just southwest of Clinton. Because we don't publish for another week, I thought I would turn over this scoop to the Island City's leading noosewriter.

All the best,
Herb Alpert

P.S. The incident occurred just prior to 11 a.m. on Friday 23 May

Eager to catch a Bagpipe violator plaid-handed, we rushed to gather our gear almost as soon as we'd finished enjoying our three-day weekend, and sped to Cedar Street in the Noosemobile.

At first glance, there seemed to be nothing amiss at the address in question. As we scanned the scene with our keen journalistic eyes, we asked a passerby if she had observed any Bagpipe activity there. Oddly, we heard no response to our question. Then we remembered that we were still wearing our Bagpipe-proof ear protection. Once we could hear our source, she told us that she was not aware of any Tartan violations on that street, although she did mention that one of her neighbors on Clinton owned an egregious set of Dress Stewart knickers, which should probably be reported to the proper authorities.

Just as we were beginning to think that there was nothing nooseworthy to be found, a chilling sight arrested us. Lurking behind some foliage was an actual shrine, not to Bagpipes, but to Squirrels! It included a basin that was clearly designed to catch the blood of innocent children sacrificed to the greed of tree-loving, caber-tossing, plaid-wearing, Bagpipe huggers!

Surely, this is what had Mr. Albert so alarmed. We can understand how, in an agitated state, he could have made the mistake of confusing Measure Acorn with Measure Angus in his report, especially since the two laws are intertwined in ways best not described in a family noosepaper. He must have also misstated the address, as this monstrous blight was clearly on the property of 885 Cedar, and not 887.

Of course, Mr. Albert is just an honorary cub reporter for the Alameda Daily Noose, so we can't blame him for making such common, rookie mistakes. In fact, if he keeps up the good work of alerting us to potential scoops, he may one day achieve the exalted status of soon-to-be-award-winning journalist.

We heard that Mr. Albert did, in fact, win some kind of award recently, presumably for his latest jazz album. We haven't seen that for sale anywhere yet, which might explain what he meant by "we don't publish for another week," but we look forward to hearing his latest work soon.

College Kids Hail Avian Hero in Global War on Squirrels

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had the honor of receiving yet another gee-mail message from none other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:

From: marc albert
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2007 1:48 PM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: Alameda's savior

Perhaps all the local peaceniks can be pushed aside. What we need to save Alameda is a real hawk for our War on Squirrels

http://media.www.thelantern.com/media/storage/paper333/news/2007/11/13/Campus/South.OvalKill-3097245.shtml

Apparently, an entire college campus somewhere in Ohio, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I understand is a Midwestern state famous for its potatoes, was being terrorized by a Squirrel that, no doubt due to exposure to gamma radiation in one of the institution's research labs, had mutated into some kind of hideous genetic freak. Thankfully, the beast's reign of terror was cut short by a true avian hero, an ordinary hawk that somehow managed to fell the monster, as shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Immediately after the incident, there was a great outpouring of support from the student body, as documented on one of those so-called My-Face pages on the interwebs that the kids today are so fond of.

On behalf of our grateful readers the Alameda Daily Noose and I thank you, Mr. Albert, for taking time out from your illustrious musical career to inform us of this great victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Mammoth Squirrels Overshadow Fan Mail and Other Delights

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are well accustomed to fan mail from famous people all over Alameda, but even we were taken aback when we received a letter recently from one of our all-time favorite musical artists. None other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame is apparently an avid reader of our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. In honor of the occasion, the Noose and I put on our best leisure wear and took a print-out of the letter down to the romper room to peruse while enjoying a number from our favorite album, Whipped Cream and Other Delights. In order to allow our readers to participate in this transcendent experience, we have provided an Alameda Daily Noose exclusive video of the event.

Oh, and of course we read the letter that Mr. Albert sent. In it, he alerted us to an article in one of the other major news media documenting a frightening development in the Global War on Squirrels. It seems that a youngster in La Crosse, Wisconsin, the birthplace of that game played with the funny basket thingies on sticks, was chased by a gigantic Squirrel, and escaped its horrible maw only by wrenching out the mammoth tooth that had snagged him. He is shown holding the tooth in a photo that must have been taken by his grandfather only moments after the incident. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have often warned that the Squirrel problem will only get bigger if we allow tree density to increase on our Treasured Island, and this is a sobering example of just how big that problem could be.

There but for the grace of Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," go we.