A Day for Appreciation…of the Sciurine Menace

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I received a tip from a concerned reader whose name we are withholding in order to protect her life. She alerted us to a shocking story in one of those Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.) called the Hufflepuff Post, or something like that. We wouldn't know because we never read B.L.O.G.S.

Supposedly, last Thursday, January 21, was "Squirrel Appreciation Day," but the Humperdinck Post's radical pro-Squirrel agenda went far beyond mere "appreciation." Not content merely to indoctrinate its readers with Sciurine propaganda and urge them to "spread the word," this shameful rag asked people to fortify the Enemy with sustenance, including—but not limited to—pine cones, peanut butter, and nuts.

As if that weren't bad enough, the Squirrel-hugging Hackensack Post went on to preach defeatism to Right-Thinking Alamedans with enough sense to recognize the Sciurine menace: "If you're a squirrel hater, fight the urge to chase one, throw things at it, etc."

Finally, under the guise of "education," the Heffalump Post presented a terrifying film clip showing a gang of vicious Squirrels terrorizing a poor, defenseless cobra.

Watching that poor snake suffer at the paws of those heartless Squirrels reminded the Alameda Daily Noose and me of a chilling poem we learned back in our school days:

First they came for the pine cones, and I did not speak out—because I was not a pine cone;

Then they came for the peanut butter, and I did not speak out—because my name was neither "Skippy" nor "Jif";

Then they came for the African cape cobras, and I did not speak out—because I was not a member of the suborder Serpentes;

Then they came for me—and there were no Right-Thinking Alamedans left to speak out.

It's time for Right-Thinking Alamedans everywhere to wake up take back our Treasured Island from the Squirrels and the Squirrel sympathizers, before it's too late.