Pay no attention to the traffic snarl at the Bay Bridge

We here at ADN take great pride in not bothering our readers with information that actually affects their lives. Today will be no different. Unlike other news outlets, who create concern and dismay over possible traffic problems on I80 after Saturday's giant fire, we insulate you from these concerns with coverage of potential conflicts of interest and historical non-sense.

Think about it. you'll know about the traffic jams as soon as you are stuck in them (especially since with our help, you won't have given any thought to using Alameda's convenient Ferry System or directly Express Bus service to downtown SF). There's no need to worry ahead of time, we believe in living in the moment.

And before you can thank us, we say "you're welcome."

Mayor must act to defend an Alamedan's right not to have to choose

Dear Roger,

This town just isn’t what it used to be. When I was a girl, there were real sailors whistling at us on the streetcorners, not these well-behaved young Coast Guard fellas who sometimes find their way into Alameda. Why, some of them aren’t even men, now that women are taking over our nation’s armed forces at an alarming rate.

The point is, I don’t like it. This used to be a sleepy town with quiet business districts and not much going on. These days, I hardly know if I’m coming or going, there’s so much to keep track of. I remember when going out to dinner meant getting a hamburger and a root beer, or maybe a steak dinner for special occasions. You never had to decide where to go because there weren’t all that many restaurants, but yesterday I counted over five different restaurants on Park Street, many of them new, before I got dizzy and had to sit down. Imagine my surprise when I realized that the bench I was sitting on was in front of a brand-new coffee shop!

Things are moving too fast, and our mayor needs to do something about it. Bring back the empty storefronts with dirty windows covered with paper, and the dusty displays of familiar drugstore items, always with the same dead flies reassuringly scattered in between. If things don’t stop changing soon, Park Street will get so crowded that no-one will want to go there anymore! And I don’t even want to think about what could happen to Webster Street. If the mayor won’t do something, we’ll have to do it ourselves. I, for one, am ready to boycott local businesses until they start sliding safely downhill again. Who will join me?

Worriedly yours,
Marlene Verloren

11:31 PM: Oops! Technical difficulties on "Talkin' Sports with Ron Kleinsaucer"

Rog,

On his self-serving "sports commentary" show on today's Comcast community-access cable TV lineup, so-called host Ron Kleinsaucer started the program, unaware that his lapel microphone was still sitting uselessly on the table next to him. The tardy Kleinsaucer got halfway through his mindless sports blather, all of which was completely inaudible to the viewing audience, before realizing his mistake; however, once he pinned the mic to his lapel, the screen briefly went blank. Shortly thereafter, a woman off camera exclaimed, "Oh, my God, not again!" Suddenly, a scratchy recording of the show's completely incongruous theme music, Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy," started playing, drowning out Kleinsaucer's commentary; then all was silent. After an excruciatingly long pause, during which Kleinsaucer looked as confused as a goat on Astroturf, order was finally restored and the show plodded along in its usual mind-numbing rut.

Kleinsaucer mis-handled his "program," with numerous glitches throughout. Is that what he means when he calls himself a "sports authority"? Are these grievous technical errors an indicator of factual errors his program makes?

Sports authority? Ha! Kleinsaucer can't even "play" community-access cable host!

Dave Williamson

What's to discuss?

Editor,

Like the ridiculous discussion regarding Alameda Point and how to design it, which should not happen until voters vote to change the plans that we haven't talked about. I'd like to also point out that a small group of citizens is trying to get the city to change the city's laws surrounding parking.

First those "concerned citizens" should convince the council to make the change without talking about it. THEN we can have a discussion about city parking regulations and what kind of change we'd like to see.

I'm sure these people can afford to hold meetings around town if they really cared about changing things. They certainly seem to have a lot of time on their hands since they show up at every meeting I'm at, and I'm too busy to attend a lot of meetings.

Let's get some common sense back in this town. Stop talking about issues until people have changed them.

Lydia Huntington

City Council working against local businesses

Roger:

I am outraged and I must share my outrage with your readers. Recently, I heard from my neighbor’s brother’s girlfriend’s dogwalker’s babysitter that one of our City Council people had taken a campaign contribution in 1998 from Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream! Does this mean that our City Council is trying to undermine the sweet deliciousness that is our very own Tucker’s Ice Cream? While I have no proof, this 1998 campaign contribution clearly shows that the City Council is working against local businesses and trying to replace them with chain stores bent on destroying our small town character.

Roger, we must expose this awful plan and our first step is to boycott Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I hope you will urge your readers to join me in a Ice Cream dump-out. Bring your Cherry Garcia and Chubby Hubby to the steps of City Hall on Saturday at 9 o’clock where we will dump the ice cream in protest to the City Council.

Brenda Gelato

Clueless person responds to Jill Snooty

Editor,

Jill Snooty's letter makes absolutely no sense. The fact that one bus passed a single stop at which no one was waiting does not make a bus stop unneeded. What about the dozens of other riders that use that stop? Don't they have a right to catch the bus in a convenient location?

And to call oneself an environmentalist while talking about increasing parking is the height of hypocrisy. Cars are the number one generator of greenhouse gases in Alameda.

Sincerely,

Fred Wilkins

EDITOR'S NOTE: Mr. Wilkins clearly doesn't understand the underlying point of Ms. Snooty's letter. The fact that the bus stop is not always in use was the crux of the issue, and clearly shows that buses are barely used in Alameda. As big, loud, smoke spewing monsters, buses are the great polluters, a fact that everyone knows. Mr. Wilkins obviously knows nothing about the environmental hazards caused by having to drive half a block further than one wants to, in order to find a convenient parking space.

Useless Bus Stops

Editor,

On my commute into work this morning, I noticed that the AC Transit bus that runs on Santa Clara did not stop to pick anyone up in front of City Hall this morning because nobody was waiting at the bus stop.

Why can't our inept city staff just get rid of these unneeded and unsightly bus stops? It's clear that nobody rides the bus in this area, all the stop does is remove parking that could be used for environmenalists like myself.

Jill Snooty

Bad election information updated with new bad information

Proving its bona fides as a true alternative media outlet, Slow Train to Berkeley, Alameda County's top alternative paper, today re-hashed an out-of-date and badly sourced news item.

During the Fall Little League elections, Bob Jackson was taken to task for accepting money from Chevy's restaurant during his original 2002 campaign. The accusations, cited as proof to how it was that Chevy's became a "fundraising hotspot," were later shown to be untrue.

But that didn't stop reporters from STB! Diving into their role as "alternative journalists" the crack staff re-printed the entire 2002 story, substituting the year 2006, for 2002 and new monetary figures for the older, smaller -- and therefore less infuriating -- ones.

Showing once again why they are the leaders of the East Bay's Alt-Noose movement, reporter Bob Leggons ignored easily found documentation, straight-out logic, and a heavy dose of common sense, writing a compelling article on a highly controversial issue. A seasoned professional, Bob didn't let facts get in his way; the article is a must-read for anyone hoping to understand what might have been happening in town, had it actually happened.

Update of the obsessives

In a week of few meetings, our continuing obsessive reporting on the minutae surrounding four specific Alamedans has been hampered.

None of these residents that we obsessively report on did anything like miss a meeting, spell something incorrectly or say something that would be easy to take out of context.

While we thought one commissioner had arrived nearly an hour late for a 90 minute meeting, it turned out not to be true and we were forced to not run the hot lead we had.

Don't forget to check out the great deals at Lee's Auto this weekend. With the rainy season coming to end, it's a great time to stock up on turtle wax.

"Baseballgate" scandal widens

Last Friday, April 13, at 4:37 PM, outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland alerted the Alameda Daily Noose to a scandal brewing in the seemingly innocent world of Little League baseball. Rather than just provide you with one of those newfangled so-called hyperlinks to Mr. Kirkland's full comment, we will instead give you the following excerpt and and let you hunt for the full comment yourself:

Bob Jackson and his T-Ball/Farm comrades in arms have been making all of these important decisions behind closed doors, in smoke filled rooms. The rules for open baseball are being abused in this burgh and the citizens are mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more. The dishonesty of closed sports, the rubber stamp support of whatever Big Baseball wants done, it all has to stop!

Today, at 10:06 AM, in an exclusive interview with Alameda Daily Noose, outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland revealed the latest shocking details in the unfolding Little League scandal, or "Baseballgate," as Alameda Daily Noose and the other major news media are now calling it. Apparently, Little League T-Ball/Farm bigwig/honcho Bob Jackson has a cousin whose old college roommate and best friend in New York City was recently hired by none other than...the New York Yankees! Bob Jackon's cousin's best friend does not actually play for the big-league team, but rather holds down some sort of "desk job," to use the euphemism so commonly employed in these sorts of shady dealings.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland demands to know, "What did Mr. Jackson know, and when did he know it?! I ask you, when will Mr. Jackson disclose that his coziness with Big Baseball led him to close Alameda's Little League registration on or about Friday, April 13, 2007? I ask you, how will Alamedans react when they learn that the strings in our 'little' league here in Alameda are actually being pulled by the nefarious puppet-masters in the far-away big leagues of New York City?"

Alameda Daily Noose and I urge you to contact the Mayor and Council and demand a full investigation into the Little League scandal known as "Baseballgate." On second thought, we all know that the Mayor and Council must be up to their eyes in this scandal themselves, so we now call instead for the recall of the Mayor and Council! Well, maybe not the whole Council...we call for a recall of the Council Majority, by which we mean the ones who don't always vote the way we like.

Throw the bums out!

6:39 AM: "SCOOP!"...

...Jackson, that is.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_M._Jackson

Alameda Daily Noose and I have been reading up on this influential and controversial Senator for Washington State, and we wanted to link you to his Wikipedia biography. More importantly, we wanted to introduce you to this great resource. We are constantly impressed with the depth of resources that this company, Wikipedia, has. They sure do cover a lot of material.

Our recommendation is not to start reading Wikipedia too late at night, or the next thing you know, you'll be sitting in front of your computer at 6:39 in the morning wondering where the time has gone. But at least you and your whole news organization will know a little more about muskrats than you did when you started.

There's a New Stooge in Town

There’s a new Stooge in town. Alameda’s most-watched “cable access current thoughts and events and old grainy videos” program announced this week that the City Council has decided to replace current Stooge, local businessman Jeremy Smiley, with a young new upstart, Rebecca Ovarbight.

The appointment comes as a complete surprise to Smiley. Most local pundits had thought that he had solidified his grasp on the Stooge position after his success in shepherding the Alameda Theater project through rocky political waters and building a city-run all-you-can-eat salami bar on Webster.

Smiley was unavailable for comment, but sources close to him say that he is very upset and concerned that he'll be seen as a lame-duck Stooge. At a recent council meeting, outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland demanded that the position of Stooge be put to a vote of the people. “It’s not right that the single most important and secretive position in this city should be decided by citizens, not these carpetbaggers on the council,” he said.

Ovarbight will be confirmed in the coming week at a secret ceremony held in the basement of City Hall West.

5:37 AM: Scoop! ADN uncovers Alameda's "secret councils"!

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the Noose! The Alameda Daily Noose and I have recently uncovered a secret, disturbing, and growing trend. In documents uncovered at http://ci.alameda.ca.us/gov/boards_commissions.html, we have discovered that the City of Alameda has secret councils covering everything from planning and transportation to golf and libraries.

This breathtaking discovery brings to light the truth that we have shouted to power on a nearly daily basis: the City is attempting to shut out citizens as the voice of the community. These secret councils, occupied by industry insiders and out-of-towners no doubt (more to come as we investigate further), are making decisions that affect our city without bringing to light their dastardly plans.

It is incumbent upon the City Council of Alameda immediately to put in place protections, such as public notification of all meetings, availability before these meetings of all documents used in the meeting, and a public nominating process that puts the residents of Alameda in the seats of power that are these citywide policy advisory committees. It is appalling that these "boards" and "commissions" have the tremendous power to make suggestions that might be given to the City Council, which ultimately makes the decisions that so often imperil our very way of life. We must have processes in place to regain local control of our decision-suggestion power. If you're not paying attention, you're outraged!

5:41 AM: Little League report update

Another slow day at the Noose . . . we're up bright and early to regale you once again with a publicly available report with no context whatsoever.

2007 Season Online Registration Closed
Online registration for the 2007 baseball season is closed.

Registration for the Baseball divisions is closed. Players that are interested in being put on a waiting list should contact Stacy Marino (Player Agent of Baseball) at p_smarino@yahoo.com.

Registration for the T-Ball and Farm divisions is closed. Players that are interested in being put on a waiting list should contact Bob Jackson (Player Agent of T-Ball/Farm) at BobChrisRobby@alamedanet.net.

Is the mayor taking bribes from local school children?

Rog,

I thought it was interesting that at the recent School Board/City Council meeting, the mayor spoke out in favor of education for young kids. It made me wonder how she came to hold these views. Could it be that she's in the pocket of the K-12 set?

I'm not saying that she's taking bribes. I'm just suggesting that children 5-18 are giving her money to hold a public opinion that is of benefit to them.

What's really happening here?

Donald Kirkland

2:29 PM: Scoop! of dirt

Today the Alameda Daily Noose scooped all of the other news media yet again. This time, we dug up the real dirt on the cine . . . er, I mean, super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates. As you can see from the photo, this is, without a doubt, our biggest scoop yet!

Despite the rosy financial predictions of the spin-meisters behind the super-mega-monster-plex that everyone hates, our photo proves that the project is already deep in the hole. This comes as no surprise to us, since we all know that the movie industry is dead, dead, dead. Everybody knows that the VHS video recorder killed the industry way back in the ‘80’s, and that it was killed again by the laser disc player in the ‘90’s, and then again by the DVD player in the ‘00’s. Hasn’t anybody seen the “Friday the 13th” movies (at home, on a DVD player, of course)? Just like Jason, this time the movies are dead for sure!

The super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates will be lucky if it manages to attract a moth to the light of the projector at the first screening. Of course, in reality the moth will drop dead before it gets anywhere near the theater, because the air will be so thick with exhaust fumes from all the traffic choking the surrounding streets, battling to get in and out of the six-hundred-story parking garage that is growing like a tumor on the side of the historic Alameda Theater! All of those people not going to the movies, driving all of those cars, and everywhere, everywhere, the children are threatened. The children!

This whole super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates stinks to high heaven. In fact, our Pulitzer-prize-eligible photograph confirms what all right-thinking Alamedans already knew: City Hall is almost completely buried in dirty politics! For now, the flag of freedom still waves above the filthy pile of muck, but for how long? I ask you, for how long?!

Parking is disappearing!

Editor,

On Sundays, my wife hits the swap meets and because they are early, she's back by 10am with a car load of things. Lately, we've been having problems parking in front of our house so that we don't ahve to walk too far with the new treasures. We're lucky that our garage isn't too far from the curb, and until recently, we've been able to park about 15 feet from it, which has made it really easy to move our latest acquisitions from the trunk to the garage.

Honestly, I'm not sure what we're going to do soon, as the place is packed to the gills with our weekly booty. The storage shed we've put in the driveway is also filling up.

But I digress, the trouble is, my neighbors now think they can park one of their cars in front of my house and that Alameda Police Department will do nothing to stop them. With all the talk about bus stops and crosswalks happening around town, I'm really nervous that we might lose our parking space once and for all. And then what will we do? Walk 50 feet from the car to the garage with our stuff? We'll have to stop shopping. This city's going down the drain quick.

Joel McGilliam

Historic building under attack!

Editor,

How did the city allow the disastrous renovations of Longs Drugs happen. This building is a shining example of period architecture. One that is disappearing quickly! The city council must act immediately to halt the proposed re-design, enough with early-century, art decko design. Hasn't the battle to redevelop the theater proven that NOBODY WAnts this type of design in Alameda.

What will we do when the last pieces of the Early-60's shopping center design disappear? We've already lost South Shore Center before anybody knew what was happening. We must fight this attack on our architectural heritage.

Margaret James

Former councilmember upset that new council has its own ideas

Rog,

When I was on the city council many years ago, I was a lone voice in the wilderness on a lot of issues, yet managed to cajole the council into doing things that I wanted. But ever since my unsuccessful run for mayor, I've found that the new council and mayor are doing things that I don't like. This is not fair.

How dare these young upstarts think that they can ignore eight years of my grumbling and snide remarks?! Don't they realize that I was on the council for eight years? They continue to make decisions as if time had gone forward, as if new decisions were needed, and as if voters had elected them personally, instead of as a stand-in for me.

Voters of this city need to wake up and realize that I'm not on the council anymore. Next election, we'll need to find a candidate who will do exactly what I would have done.

Sincerely,
Brenda Karl

11:33 AM: Somebody else's Web site makes a mistake

In the April 4, 2007, edition of the Hartlepool Mail's Web site, it has this text in a box labeled "Related Articles": "headline here headline here headline here headline here headline here headline here headline here headline here headline here headline here." Clearly, somebody at the Mail was supposed to replace each instance of the words "headline here" with an actual headline, but the mistake was not caught before the Web site went live. Now, a full two days, eleven hours, thirty-three minutes, and seventeen seconds later, the mistake has still not been corrected. Shame!

Can't the Hartlepool Mail afford to hire proofreaders?

Then again, maybe they aren't familiar with that concept over there in the UK. They need to learn from a real island nation: Alameda!

As you know, we here at the Alameda Daily Noose never make mistakes, ever. If we did, though, we expect that people would take us aside and let us know discreetly, rather than crowing about it in a public forum. Unlike those yobs at the Hartlepool Mail, we are fine, upstanding citizens, pillars of the community deserving of the utmost respect.

When will the Alameda City Council stop trying to control citizens' private actions?

This morning, at 9:20, we took this picture of one of the City's "traffic control devices": yet another example of the big-government, pro-development direction in this town! The City Council, with its desire to turn Alameda into a Manhattan-like megalopolis, is trying to control the behavior of ordinary Alamedans, in much the same way that Stalin controlled the Soviet Union.

As you can see in this photo, traffic congestion is so bad that 7 cars are stuck in gridlock at the corner of Atlantic and Webster just waiting to go through the tubes.

When will the members of the City Council learn that it is not their job to control us?! We have a Constitutional right to drive where and when we want! Alamedans need to stand up and tell the members of the Council to stop with the "traffic control" and build more roads so that we can move unfettered throughout our city without this terrible congestion problem that they've created.

Thursday favorite business update

Just a quick reminder that Lee's Auto will be open today, on Friday, over the weekend, and well into next week, doing what it does best! (Selling auto parts and supplies, that is.)

For a limited time only, get a right-front (or left-front, if viewed by someone standing in front of the car) tire for the price of a left-front (or right-front, if viewed by someone standing in front of the car) tire!

Lee's Auto is open Saturday, 8:30 a.m.6:00 p.m., Sunday, 9:30 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. and Monday – Friday, 8:30 a.m. – 6:30 p.m.

Council to talk about subcommittee to talk about holding a forum to talk about Measure A

WARNING! The following article contains explicit content, including vague hinting at issues that mature adults shouldn't even discuss in their darkened bedrooms. Please, lock your children in another room and keep reading at your own risk. Those with weak constitutions should stop right now, for the Alameda Daily Noose cannot be held responsible for any heart attacks or other medical emergencies that ensue.

Last night, at the regular meeting of the City Council, Councilmember Doug deHaan issued a call for review of the Planning Board's decision to establish a subcommittee to talk about holding a forum to talk about Measure A. This suspends the Planning Board's action, thereby postponing all action on the matter until the Council can talk about talking about talking about Measure A.

Editor's Comments:

This is an outrage! I can't believe the Council and Planning Board are hurtling ahead at breakneck speed, talking about talking about talking about Measure A! Shouldn't we first sit down with each and every member of the community, in the comfort of his or her own living room, and talk about talking about talking about talking about Measure A? It's time to slow down, take a deep breath, and proceed carefully. As we all know, every Alamedan supports Measure A 110%, because Measure A is the Cat's Pajamas and the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread; however, if people rush willy-nilly into talking about it, they might not talk about it correctly, and if that happens, Poof! Measure A could just disappear in a puff of smoke. In short, we like everything the way it is, and we shouldn't jeopardize all that by even thinking about talking about talking about talking about Measure A.

Some idiot named Jim thinks the Council's doing a good job

Editor,

I wanted to say that I think the tone of this site has been a little negative lately. I think the council is doing a great job and have really enjoyed visiting Park Street lately with all the new businesses. Sometimes I'm literally quivering when I get home after supporting all five coffee shops and Julie's Coffee & Tea Garden in the space of 90 minutes.

Sincerely,

Jim Dubois

Letter writer Cindy Sherman responds directly to letter writer Joan Rhinestoner's response to Cindy Sherman's letter about buses killing children

Joan,

You are so wrong.

Cindy Sherman

Scoop! The Noose is an on-line Web site that can report press releases at any time!

In a far-reaching report, the Alameda Daily Noose has discovered that unlike weekly or twice-weekly print newspapers, ADN can quickly cut and paste any press release onto its website and call it "news."

It turns out that "news" can be anything that one says it is, much like an imaginary friend or Puff the Magic Dragon. Through extensive investigation, we have revealed that this subjective flexibility allows ADN to put almost anything on our site and yet still demand full recognition as journalists.

This finding shines a light on our constantly providing the "news" first. Whether it's a lost kitten, or the announcement of a new Fire Chief, ADN takes the words "for immediate release" seriously. Because of this committment, we are able to provide up-to-the-minute news even when items don't really require a timely announcement.

We encourage you to keep checking in, as we are currently researching our next exposé: "The Alameda Daily Noose will print anything! We mean it! Anything!*

*Except those things we don't want you to know about.