More on "State-of-the-Art" Equipment at Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Editor,

I read with great interest outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland's report on the projection equipment that the Evil Developer plans to install in the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. He is right that nothing in that monstrosity is going to be "state of the art," but we'll be lucky if they install one of those fine Keystone Moviegraph projectors I remember so fondly from my youth.

In fact, we'll be lucky to get any kind of projector at all. My unnamed sources tell me that on opening day, each movie patron will be handed an individual plastic movie viewer doohickey like the one in the picture I enclosed in this letter. And, instead of a screen, there will be a big table lamp up in front for you to point you doohickey at. Good luck cranking that thing and eating your stale popcorn at the same time!

Of course, there aren't actually going to be any people buying tickets on that day, because no-one wants to bother fighting for a space in that overcrowded parking garage. Even the thrill of watching Idaho Smith—or whatever that paleontologist guy's name is—run backwards when you crank the blue plastic doohickey in reverse isn't enough to lure Right-Thinking Alamedans into this new municipal temple of traffic doom!

Lon Geddoff

Alamedan Dave Williamson Wants to Know Who His Birthday Gift Is From

Rog,

My office instituted a "secret Santa" tradition for birthdays and I wanted to publicly state that I love the Hawaiian shirt that I received. But I am troubled, as the entire office should be, that I don't know who gave me this gift. How can I truly appreciate this gift if I am forced to think that one of the bastards down in accounting bought it for me? I have demanded to know who my secret birthday Santa is, and to date, no one has answered this perfectly reasonable request. Gifts are fine, but what really matters is knowing who gives them. This outrage should stop, I want to know who the gift is from and I want to know now, or the next email I send is going to be to our CEO.

Thanks a lot,

Dave Williamson

Big Size Moving Pictures Fail to Impress Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland

Rog,

Supposedly, the Evil Developer of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates has promised that "state of the art" equipment will go into the Theater. Well now is the time to check if that is happening.

I am OUTRAGED to report that my sources say "NOPE!" - that's a big NO to digital laser projection, hell considering who is responsible for the spending and what happened at the last Alameda Theater he managed, we would be lucky to get 70mm projectors. Well, I'm told that ain't gonna happen either. I'm told the Evil Developer is putting in 35mm projectors! Could these be the same ones he pulled out of the South Shore Twin Theaters he operated? Or, more likely, will they be nothing other than the "Genuine KEYSTONE MOVIEGRAPH" projectors shown in the ad above?

I'm sure that the first movie will be the Reel of Charlie Chaplin's "GOLF PRACTICE" that came with the projector. After that we will see the famous William S. Hart in "The New Sheriff", and last but not least, who could forget Tom Mix in "The Battle on Horseback"? Makes me wonder where the popcorn will be from. Freshly popped? - At some time before he buys it "preseasoned" at Costco? That kind of third-rate entertainment does not impress me.

So I ask you, Rog, have you or anyone else been able to ascertain the truth of what the Evil Developer is installing in his theaters as far as the promised "state of the art equipment"? Anybody have the connections to provide an inventory of the "state of the art" equipment he is installing? I would hate it if the 'thunderous roar' in the Charlie Chaplin special-effects blockbuster "Fun in the Bakeshop" is just another one of those "Non-inflammable Safety Films" clacking its way through the hand-cranked mechanism of the "Genuine KEYSTONE MOVIEGRAPH".

Yours in Genuine OUTRAGE,
Donald Kirkland

Vocal Minority Bashes Apple Pie

Editor,

It is one thing for Former City Council Candidate to express her support of Mom and Apple Pie in a letter, and quite a different one for her to go around planting "I (heart) Mom and Apple Pie" signs in people's front lawns without asking. I know that many people support these issues without a second thought, and one might assume that there would be no need to ask whether or not I also support them, but how about a little common courtesy?

Sure, I think Mom is great, but let's not rush into rash, citywide promotion of Apple Pie. Apples by themselves are dandy, but with my diabetes, all of that added sugar and sweet pastry could kill me! Is that what Former City Council Candidate is trying to do? Is she still sore that I didn't try her sugar cookies, which I should point out were made with actual sugar?

Yes, it was dusk when she tried to sneak the sign onto my lawn, but I could see her well enough. Besides, I would know the sound of that stake-pounding hammer anywhere. Of course, as a long-time member of the City's Ennui Board, it wouldn't have been worth risking my position to actually take some action, such as going out and asking her to stop. I just want her to know that I am on to her.

With underhanded tactics like these being employed, not to mention the problems of sugar content and extra calories, Alamedans need to think twice before throwing their support behind Apple Pie.

Walter Drib

The Menace above Our Heads

Editor,

I believe it was the philsopher John Michael Osbourne who once said, "Revolution in their minds, the [squirrels] start to march". And that's just what they're doing! How else to explain the racket going on at all hours on my roof? Back and forth, back and forth, drilling in formation, preparing for the moment when they strike in straight lines of sciurine terror.

Either that, or elaborate, no doubt nut-based, war games.

Either way, as the last line of defense against the tree-borne evil, we are behooven to gird ourselves against the inevitable. To that end, I have started Alamedans Love Physical Health And Not Odious Squirrels, Eh, or ALPHANOSE. My fellow ALPHANOSEs and I have dedicated ourselves to a rigorous exercise program of tree-climbing and branch-leaping, so that when the fateful day comes, we can take the fight to them!

Yours in health and readiness,
Jock Lalange

A "Third Way" Around Alameda's Bagpipe Controversy

Rog,

With all of the controversy lately over pro-Scottish propaganda, and fears about increasing Tartan congestion, it's time for some honest, straightforward analysis of where Alamedans stand on the issue of Bagpipe proliferation. Some extremists argue for an outright ban on Bagpipes as the only reliable solution. Other, equally extreme extremists actually believe that we should maintain current levels of Bagpipes, or even encourage higher concentrations of the purportedly musical instruments, as in so-called Tartan-Oriented Development.

As one of the only people doing any real research in this town, I have arrived at a solution that is not extreme at all. In fact, my research shows that the idea is supported by European Union health and safety laws. That is not to say that Alameda should blindly follow the example of other nations, which are in most ways completely unlike us. In this case, however, I can see that decision-makers in Brussels were inspired by my whitepaper entitled "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes," in which I advocate a cap on the number of homes in Alameda that would be allowed to harbor Bagpipes, and a comprehensive plan of sound-proofing and ongoing earplug distribution to minimize the impact of any increase in total Bagpipes.

It should be clear that "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes" provides a reasonable compromise - a third way - between the two extremes of Bagpipe eradication and Bagpipe hugging. We might all enjoy the charms that Bagpipe proponents insist they possess, if only the darn things didn't make so much noise! The sooner everyone recognizes the sheer genius of my modest proposal, the better.

Dave Williamson

Ian Dash-Mote Thinks Taxing to Get Money for "Free" Education is Outrageous

Dear Rog,

I think having to pay taxes to support public schools is outrageous. The deal is that they are supposed to provide a free education for all children, so why does the public end up paying for it? What part of "free education" does our City not understand? Actually maybe its the "education" part also that they dont get. The Children still have major learning problems such as dyslexia, which wasnt even around when I was in school as far as I can rebmemer. That must mean that its a result of all of the money going to insanely high administrator salaries.

Why, the mean salary in each category of administrator in our school district is almost high enough to enable those overpaid officials to live in Alameda. And for this they threaten to bring essential, long-established sports and music programs to an end? Thats downright mean! It just goes to show that when it comes to taxes, its just like that philosopher (cant remember his name) said: the means dont justify the ends.

And another thing, every time I turn around I am sick of getting parking tickets. Nobody ever tickets the good-for-nothing leeches who have the gall to park in front of my house, so why should I single-handedly support law enforcement by paying those tickets? If everyone just stopped paying their parking tickets, the money for all of those endless layers of bureaucracy would disappear in no time. Reduce the ponderous city's outgo. Problem solved!

Sincerely, Ian Dash-Mote