Artists Should Stick to Art and Leave Alameda History to Right-Thinking Alamedans

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were incensed when we read the press release below. It is clear that these so-called artists are really nothing but shills of Big Arborist, spouting revisionist history that is nothing more than thinly disguised propaganda designed to indoctrinate us into the arboreal lifestyle.

The truth is that Alameda's name has nothing to do with trees, unlike some of those other cities that are not Alameda. The name is "Alameda" not "Ala-tree-da." As all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, Alameda means "place where one's neighbors do not park in front of one's house." Or possibly "place where one may walk one's dog at night."

These punks need to educate themselves about Alameda. That's what the Alameda Daily Noose and I did. We didn't need any teachers or books. When something seemed right to us, we just wrote it over and over again on the chalkboard until we were convinced that it was true.

This just goes to show that you can't trust artists. Not only do they get their history wrong, but they lied about the content of their current exhibit. The Alameda Daily Noose and I decided to take a look at it, and there wasn't an auto body part in sight! Obviously, they know as little about art as they do about Alameda history.


PRESS RELEASE: CALL FOR ENTRIES:

"Future/Tense", an exhibition honoring the ecology of Alameda Island
April 9th- May 2nd, 2010
Opening Reception April 22nd, Earth Day, 7 - 10pm

Autobody Fine Art is proud to announce its first juried show, celebrating the ecology and geographic diversity of Alameda Island and opening in conjunction with Earth Day. As many of you know, the island that Alameda occupies was originally a peninsula connected to Oakland. Much of the peninsula was low-lying and marshy, but on higher ground the peninsula and adjacent parts of what is now downtown Oakland were home to one of the largest coastal oak forests in the world. The area was therefore called "Encinal," Spanish for "oak grove." "Alameda" is Spanish for "grove of poplar trees" or "tree-lined avenue," and was chosen in 1853 by popular vote

Five species on the endangered wildlife list make their home on Alameda Island, alongside a wide variety of waterfowl, plant life, domesticated animals and landscaped gardening, as well as over 75 thousand human beings. Artists have a responsibility to reflect social and environmental issues, be it through commentary, critique or celebration, and we are inviting you to become a part of the visual record of the island by taking part in our honoring of Earth Day.

We are soliciting submissions from local artists that focus on the ecological and environmental issues that affect Alameda Island. This could take the form of direct representation, metaphorical or allegorical abstraction, performance or installation, or, perhaps, a more didactic response to preservation, pollution and waste management. It's up to you, but Autobody Fine Art encourages you to think "outside the box," and surprise us with your creativity. Alongside static works, we are also encouraging artists to submit video, performance and installation concepts.

In addition to the exhibition Autobody Fine Art will be presenting a presentation on Shellmounds, including those in Alameda. It is important to acknowledge the first people of Alameda and their stewardship of the land. The Chochenyo (Ohlone) people lived in Alameda until the late 1840's and there are 5 recorded shellmounds in Alameda. Sites found in the East Bay including Alameda are recognized as an archaeological deposit from the time of the first historically recorded settlement of the East Bay, and was subjected to one of the earliest archaeological excavations in the United States. Please check our website for presentation dates and times.

Submissions for visual artworks should be in the form of up to 5 jpeg images on a CD formatted for Windows. Please include a list of the artworks submitted, including size, materials and titles. Cost for submission is $15.00. Submission fee payment can be made at our website www.autobodyfineart.com or a check made out to Autobody Fine Art Inc.

Submissions for performances should be up to 3 minutes in length and include a written description of the performance.

Submissions must be received by March 10th, 2009. Accepted artists will be notified by March 20th. Installation will begin on April 5th. Accepted installation artists will meet prior to installation and will be given a reserved space in the gallery for their work.

Please contact Jacqueline Cooper or Amy George at 510.865.2608 or info@autobodyfineart.com with any questions.

Thank you.


Amy M. George
Autobody Fine Art
1517 Park Street
Alameda Ca 94501
gallery: 510.865.2608
amy@autobodyfineart.com
www.autobodyfineart.com

Often-Overlooked "Measure C" Also on the Ballot

While most attention has been paid to Measure B, the "bagpipe" measure that we and all right-thinking Alamedans are in opposition to, we at the Alameda Daily Noose would like to remind voters of the other measure on the ballot for this Special Election: Measure C. In this case, C is for "Children."

Those in favor of Children say that they are joyful, happy, energetic, and most of all, are the future right-thinking generation. Without Alameda Children, there will be no Alamedans in the future, and that would be bad.

On the other hand, those opposed to Children say that they are loud, often have runny noses, grow into Teenagers before reaching adulthood, and frequently need to take a bath. Alameda should not be populated in the future with this kind of people.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are steadfastly neutral in this measure, and encourage all right-thinking readers to vote "Maybe" on your ballot.

In Stunning Flip-Flop, Mayor Urges Alamedans Not to Shop Alameda

Last year, Alameda's now-good Evil Robot Mayor, Beverly Johnson, produced a film urging Alamedans to "shop Alameda." The star-studded, red-carpet gala premiere was met with critical acclaim and runaway box office success, and since then the movie has been showing endlessly—or at least it seems endless to the Alameda Daily Noose and me—at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just learned that Johnson has produced a sequel which, in a dramatic reversal of the position she espoused in her first film, now warns Alamedans not to "shop Alameda." We obtained a bootleg print and, with some technical assistance from our ten-year-old grand-nephew, posted it here on the Interweb in order to give our Right-Thinking readers an exclusive sneak preview:



Asked about her stunning flip-flop, Johnson replied, "Well, Rog, these stunning flip-flops get a little easier each time. Remember when I called everyone in Alameda and asked them to support the Evil Developer's plans for the old Navy base, and then I realized that perhaps I had been too hasty, and so I sent them all a letter asking them to vote against moving forward with the plan? Well, that got me thinking: Had I rushed headlong into this whole 'shop Alameda' thing, too? So, after careful consultation with the interim city manager about the numerous risks and potential downsides of shopping locally, I decided to make this new movie to set the record straight."

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Planet's Natural Satellites

Guess what: according to my calendar, Alameda is getting a brand-new moon tonight. "Hooray!" you say, but wait! As we all know, the moon is made of green cheese, and it's awfully wasteful to just throw away anything that has "green" in its name.

Just think how much better off our planet would be if we found a way to recycle all of those old moons. For example, we could use an old moon for a big pizza pie! After that green cheese has sat around for a month or so, it's probably more like aged mozzarella, which is one of my favorite pizza toppings.

I'm suddenly feeling hungry for some reason. I think I need to go and make a phone call, but now that I've got you started, I'll bet you can come up with all kinds of other great solutions for cleaner, greener use of our planet's satellites.

"Alameda Towne Centre" Rechristened "Sowthe Shore Centre"

The shopping center formerly known as "Alameda Towne Centre" has been renamed "Sowthe Shore Centre" in order to keep up with demands of upscale Alameda shoppers to reduce confusion.

The new name was unveiled at a ceremony this morning, presided over by ATC manager Richard Corbin, Mayor Beverley Johnson, Alameda Chamber of Commerce President Mick Whitfield, and — some say, perhaps former State Senator Don Perata (though this cannot be verified by photos taken at the event).

The unveiling of the new signage took place at the main entrance to the mall, with its flagship stores, Mervyns and J.C. Penney, in the background.

"We are pleased to change the name of this venerable shopping institution to a name that will be less confusing for Alameda shoppers," said Richard Corbin, manager of the newly-renamed Sowthe Shore Centre. "We found that Alamedans were often driving around the MIDDLE of the island, looking for their favorite mall, due to the confusing name we were using."

"We hope that Alamedans will have less trouble finding us now that our name indicates that the "centre" is on the "sowthe" shore of the Island City," Corbin added.

When asked about the unusual spellings, the manager explained that they wanted keep some of the "old-fashioned" charm that was part of the original name, and that research shows that people spend more at malls with oddly-spelled names.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I applaud the decision to update the name.

Something Has To Be Done About Jobless Crowding Alameda's Sidewalks

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Every so often, I like to drive down to Park Street to eat lunch at one of our exotic restaurants. But nearly every time I arrive, I find that the sidewalks are packed with young, unemployed people. I'm not just talking about a few here and there, but literally hundreds of them.

This is absolutely an outrage. Young Alamedans should be working at this time of the day, not wandering around, talking, giggling, and wearing backpacks and showing off their baggy fashions. They are behaving like children! These young people need to get a job.

I believe that if they refuse to get a job by next Wednesday, we should all call the police and ask them to be arrested and taken to a place where they will do some work. That would keep these jobless youngsters from taking up so much space on our already over-crowded sidewalks.

Alameda's sidewalks and streets should be clear and quiet, to allow for retired, Right-Thinking Alamedans like myself to walk from my car to the entrance of my restaurant in peace.

With sincerity,

Dolores Freemason

Sue Rijos Has a New Name for Measure B

Editor,

I have an Idea.

They should change the name of Measure B
to Measure C for Crummy!!

Ha, ha, that's really clever and funny. Maybe it should be
Measure D for Dumb!!

Even better! How about
Measure E for Evil!!
Measure F for Foolish!!
Measure G for God-Awful!!
Measure H for Horrible!!
Measure I for Idiotic!!
Measure J for Junky!!
Measure K for Kooky!!
Measure L for Lousy!!
Measure M for Messed-Up!!

Wow, this just never gets old. How about
Measure N for Nasty!!
Measure O for Obnoxious!!
Measure P for Poopy!!
Measure Q for Questionable!!
Measure R for Rotten!!
Measure S for Stupid!!
Measure T for Trashy!!
Measure U for Unbearable!!
Measure V for Villainous!!
Measure W for Weak!!
Measure X for…

Measure X for…

Measure X for Xylophone, because…because X is always for Xylophone, and a Xylophone's as good as a Bagpipe in the dark to a blind bat, as my dear old grandmother always used to say!!

Then again, maybe it should be
Measure Y for Yucky!!
Measure Z for Zombifying!!

Which brings us back to
Measure A for…

No, no, wait, Measure A is reserved in perpetuity for Measure Acorn and Measure Angus, each of which is the only thing that stands between Alameda and total destruction. No, no, Measure A is out.

OK, so that only leaves the best name yet
Measure B for Bad!!

Sue Rijos