Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Our Coastal Cleanup

Who likes clean beaches? We do! Yes, this Saturday, it's time once again for Alamedans to pitch in and pick up all of the litter that's landed on our shore since last year. A tidy beach is much nicer for people to play on, but why stop with trash removal? This time around, let's give some thought to those other users of Alameda beaches, the wildlife!

You may have noticed that although there is a nice, clean, sandy beach along Shoreline, it turns into a muddy, swampy mess as soon as it hits the bird sanctuary. Why should those poor birds have to wade through a stinky swamp while we frolic on natural, sustainable sand? I say we clean up that mud, haul in some bags of sand, and give all of those overgrown marsh grasses a trim. The water birds should be much happier when they have more open space and maybe some clean plastic bags to nest in.

And while we're at it, both the sanctuary and the rest of the shore could use some serious kelp removal. We should follow China's example by clearing out all of that algae while it's still in the water, before it washes up on our beaches.

Anyone who would like to join me in going above and beyond on this cleanup day can register online with the Alameda Recreation and Parks Department or just meet me at the registration table at Park St. and Shoreline Dr. by 9 a.m. I'll be the one on the riding lawnmower with the trailer full of sand!

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 28 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Transportation Commission August 26, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Transport Commissary should know that Right-Thinking Alamedans are too smart to think that it would take five hours for the sun to set over the bay, and yet that is all that their supposedly real-time interwebcast showed. Clearly, they are trying to conceal their lack of any real meetings this month, which is probably due to their all sneaking off to The Developer's Pocket speakeasy for a secret meeting about their latest plans for high-speed ferries or some such nonsense.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council September 15, 2009

Editor's Comments:

Apparently, our city is now being run by school children who insist on having a "recess" part way through the meeting. Fortunately, the break in the interwebcast gave the Alameda Daily Noose and me a chance to go and get some milk and cookies from the kitchen.


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council September 1, 2009
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board August 24, 2009


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular ARRA Meeting September 2, 2009

Entire Executive Staff of Inaction Alameda News Teaches Jane Sterner a Hard-Hitting Lesson in Journalism

An Open Letter to Jane Sterner, If That Is Her Real Name

Jane - when we published our shocking exposé of your illicit ties to Big Apple, we had no idea you would seize the opportunity to drag the good name of Inaction Alameda News through the mud in a shameful letter to the editor.

We would have been happy to have called you directly to verify the reports, but you have been so rude as to always be ahead of us while waiting on line at the bakery, repeatedly, and made so many personal attacks against us by flagrantly disagreeing with us in various cooking forums, that we felt little interest in initiating direct contact. How could we forget the way you viciously mocked us for stating in a guest editorial in the Alameda Puppy Trainer that apple pie is not, in fact, made from apples at all, but from 36 delicious Ritz® crackers? Then as now, your weapon of hate was the letter to the editor, with which you relentlessly bullied us by calling us "incorrect" and - even now, we shudder to think of it - "wrong."

We here at Inaction Alameda News are hard-boiled news men in the classic sense. We put our lives on the line every day to bring you all the latest hard-hitting rumors and gossip, but surely we can't be expected to pick up the telephone and talk to somebody who might not be nice to us. I mean, we might get our feelings hurt, and how could we possibly continue reporting the news after an unpleasant experience like that? You need to educate yourself a little about journalism before you start beating up on us journalists.

The total record is here for everyone to see – the rumors, and your denial of them. You should get down on your hands and knees and thank us for the invitation and opportunity to publicly refute the rumors that are circulating by word of mouth, especially now that everyone has read about them in our newspaper.

Thanks for reading Inaction Alameda News!

Sincerely yours,
Dave Williamson
Editor-in-Chief
Inaction Alameda News

Dave Williamson
Ace Reporter
Inaction Alameda News

Dave Williamson
President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher
Inaction Alameda News

Jane Sterner Admits to Promoting High-Density Pie Development for Alameda

Editor,

I was doing some internet [sic] research yesterday on the history of apple pie, and I was surprised to come across Dave Williamson's letter accusing me of being "on the payroll of Big Apple." Huh?

It would have been nice if you had given me a quick call before publishing this completely unfounded and frankly puzzling rumor about me. Better yet, Dave Williamson could easily have gotten in touch with me before even writing his letter. As the senior lattice-top consultant in the Alameda Apple Pie Association, my contact information is publicly available, and I'm always happy to answer questions about pie.

The truth is that no-one pays me anything to bake apple pies. I do it because I enjoy pie-making, and because I believe that delicious pies are good for the happiness of our community. I would be happy if the city of New York, or anyone else, decided to pay me to make pies for those reasons. So far, that hasn't happened.

Also, what is this nonsense about me being "a proponent of high-density pie development for Alameda?" I don't even know what that means, unless Mr. Williamson is referring to my customary advice to really pile the apple slices high to make a nice, thick pie. Oh, and for the record, I'm really not a fan of pastrami or cheesecake, although I might enjoy the challenge of trying to bake bagels to the same golden-brown as my favorite piecrust.

Jane Sterner

Alameda Apple Pie Association’s Jane Sterner on Big Apple's Payroll?

We keep receiving un-confirmed reports that Jane Sterner, of the subversive radical group known as the Alameda Apple Pie Association, also a card-carrying mother, known baseball enthusiast, and a general baked goods activist, is on the payroll of Big Apple. Sterner is well-known – well, to us anyway… – as a pastry activist in Alameda and a proponent of high-density pie development for Alameda and as a proponent of New York City's plan to obtain additional space for real estate development by annexing Alameda Point, which would be renamed "New Manhattan."

New York City is colloquially known as the Big Apple. Coincidence? Our numerous unidentified anonymous sources think not. If this pastry pusher Jane Sterner is on Big Apple's payroll – which we must assume, since she has yet to prove that she is not – she is obviously skirting public disclosure laws by accepting payment entirely in the form of bagels, pastrami on rye, and cheesecake. If Mrs. Sterner would like to confirm this, we'd be happy to publish it. If she would like to deny this, she's on her own.

Dave Williamson
Chief Correspondent
Bureau of Urban Baked Goods and Real Estate Corruption Scandals
Inaction Alameda News

Gangrene Living With Janet Marchant: Greening Our Healthcare

People who know me know how much I care about the health of our planet, and the health of people on it. That's why I've been in a tizzy for months about the whole idea of national healthcare reform. I kept hearing people say that it's urgent for our country to move forward, to ensure better health for all, but then it suddenly hit me: our health care system doesn't need to move forward. We need to take a few steps back. Yes, that's right—back in time, to a simpler kind of health.

Sometimes the old ways are best. You see, the big problem with our current healthcare system is all of those nasty chemicals that doctors use for medical procedures, and prescribe to people who are wellness-challenged. Of course, a lot of our problems could be prevented with measures like healthy eating and exercise like people used to get in the days before steam ships replaced slave galleys, but there's an even more important alternative to the "drugs," "vaccines," and "herbal remedies" that are so commonplace in conventional medicine. I'm referring to the all-natural practice of bloodletting. Most doctors seem to have forgotten that leeches have many uses outside the realm of reattaching severed body parts. And since leeches come from nature, we should be able to get them free of charge, unlike those artificial medicines.

Another old-time idea that could be just what the doctor ordered for our current crisis is gangrene. As anyone who's been to Alameda Countrie Peripherie knows, "grene" is just an olde-tyme spelling of "green," thus it's clear that a "gang grene" was just a "green gang," an association of environmentally conscious peasants who pooled their resources to get a better deal on their all-natural sustainable free-range health insurance, which I understand mainly covered the services of leeches. It's time to say no to all those artificial chemical "medicines," and say yes to all-natural healthcare: just say yes to gangrene!

Ty Czichman: "Recall the School Board Members Who Support Anti-Racism Education!"

Dear Roger,

I cannot believe that anybody would be supporting school board members Tam, Jensen, and Mooney. Whoever these people are that are signing that notorious petition are certainly not right-thinking Alamedans!

It is time to "throw the basterds out" forcibly, for their shameful vote in favor of curriculum that tolerates equality for all.

Even though it may not be "politically correct" since the days of Abraham Lincoln, there are many Alamedans (73 percent, in fact) who are in favor of racism, bigotry, and prejudice against people of a different color of skin and hair. Alamedans of all races and creeds have the RIGHT to insult, jeer, spit upon, discriminate against, and otherwise belittle people who do not look like us.

Our country has existed peacefully for hundreds of years (well, at least until Lincoln came along), with Black and White (not to mention other colors of the rainbow) coexisting in mutual fear and suspicion. So who made these three School Board members think that they have the right to force our children to be taught about some utopian ideal in which diversity is not only tolerated, but actually CELEBRATED? This is absolute hogwash.

I hope you will join us for a midnight rally at City Hall this Sunday night to raise awareness of the upcoming recall election. Everybody is welcome, and if you happen to own a white-colored robe and a hood with a pointy hat, please wear it!

In solidarity,

Ty Czichman

Alameda S.W.E.R.V.E. - "Separating Whiteness Everywhere, Reactive Vitriolic Enterprise"

Editor's Comments:

While the Alameda Daily Noose and I applaud Mr. Chickman's spirit of outrage, we must point out that he seems to be a little unclear on the effects of the School Board's recent actions. There has never been, nor will there ever be anything in our school curricula about people of different races. It would be superfluous, since there has never been any racism in Alameda, nor unwarranted discrimination of any kind.

The real issue is the Board's insistence on corrupting innocent children by exposing them to Thespians. All Thespians, regardless of race, creed, or preference of musical instrument, are not to be trusted. It will be a sad day when an entire generation of children has grown up not being taught to deny the rights and, indeed, the very existence of Thespians.