Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 10,000th Visitor

Yesterday, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcomed the 10,000th visitor to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. We're not sure whether this visitor was a "new bee" (which is what the kids today call a greenhorn on the interwebs) beholding our site for the first time, or a grizzled veteran pressing the "refresh" button on his browser for the 100th time, hoping to see some thrilling dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. It might even have been one of those "Spam Boughts," which we understand are so-called secret shoppers for large processed meat conglomerates who scour the interwebs for the latest prices on canned spiced pork products. Well, Mr. Spam Bought, it's only $2.27 at the Dusty Shelves Market, where the Alameda Daily Noose and I shop for those delicacies we can't seem to find at that hippie grocery store.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right, the 10,000th visitor! Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I are far too modest to boast about it, we are simply bursting with pride over the fact that nearly one seventh of every man, woman, and child in Alameda has visited our site, or pushed the "refresh" button, or checked the price of canned pork. We would say we couldn't have done it without you, our loyal readers, but the truth is that you couldn't have done it without us!

Super Scoop! of Truth about Cats and Dogs

Have you ever noticed that cats are different from dogs?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I made this shocking discovery shortly after our neighbor, Mildred Bolus, asked us to cat-sit for her while she and her husband were away on some kind of silly "marriage retreat" cruise to someplace that was most definitely not Alameda. We know, we know, we tried to talk her into vacationing here in Alameda—as all Right-Thinking Alamedans do—but for some strange reason, her husband would have none of it; in fact, if the Alameda Daily Noose and I didn't know better, we would have sworn he was angry with us!

At any rate, after a week of looking after those frisky felines, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have yet another super scoop for our readers: We hate cats.

Unlike dogs, which are intelligent and loyal, much like the Alameda Daily Noose and me, cats are stupid and selfish. They get fixated on the most trivial things, like pieces of string, birds, Squirrels, and that incredibly boring so-called expert Bernanke they keep showing on C-SPAN. When they aren't caught up in silly minutiae like that, cats are either sleeping or eating, or strutting around like they own the place, and everyone else is just an intruder encroaching on their petty little territory. They won't fetch, and they sometimes even claw you when you try to tussle with them. The nerve!

In contrast, our faithful lapdog, Scoop, has never so much as raised a paw against anyone or anything other than the Alameda Fish Wrap, which is his sworn enemy. He has the good sense to know who is boss, and will sit quietly until called upon for a reprise of our favorite tricks. Scoop is also civilized enough to do his business outdoors, in our neighbors' yard, which means no smelly indoor litter box for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to clean up.

We will sure be glad when Mildred and what's-his-name get back from their vacation. If it weren't for the great cookies that Mildred brings us—especially those ones with the red and green sugar that she makes this time of year—it wouldn't be worth our time to take care of her stupid, stubborn, arrogant, ungrateful cats. Don't tell her we said that, though. We wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, because then she might not bake us cookies anymore.

5:19 a.m.: Scoop! "Phantom" to A.C.L.O.: "Pay Back What You Owe!"

Editor's Note: Above is an excerpt from a strange note that was attached to a brick and thrown through the window of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. We knew right then that we had a story so hot that we took the extraordinary step of stopping the presses on the latest gripping golf-related press release from the City and clearing the journalistic deck for this bombshell. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not sure, but we think the note has something to do with the strange goings-on in Alameda's Kofman Auditorium on which we reported last week. In order to spare our readers a severe case of eyestrain, the Alameda Daily Noose and I dutifully transcribed the entire note, which reads as follows:

MY DEaR, SWeET, TeNDeR eDITOR:

PLEASe uSE YOUr GREAt iNFLUeNCe To COnVINce The A.c.L.O. tO cOMPlY WITh The foLlOWInG DeMANDS, alL OF WhiCH I WRotE, ALL By MySeLf:

PAy BACK WhAT YOU OWe

OR ELSe YOU WiLL NEVER See YOUR PreCIouS hEARiNg AID DEvices FoR The HEARinG iMPAiReD AGAiN!

iDIotS! yOu SHoUld HAve BOLTeD THOsE DEViCEs DOWN WHeN yOU "iNSTALLeD" THEM!

fOOLS! yOU Do noT kNOW WhO YOu Are DEALIng WITH!

iN FACT SOMETiMes i MYSElF DO nOT kNOW!

Ha HA HA "HA"!

SiGneD, YOUrs tRULy,
The PhANToM

Evil Developer Performs Secret Test of Transportation Solution for Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I went out to get a big "Scoop!" of delicious iced cream the other day when we spotted this shocking display in the window of that place that sells fudge and exotic Italian hair gel in all of those unusual colors. As you can see from the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, we caught the Evil Developer of Alameda Point performing a secret test of that fancy new transportation solution they've been hinting at lately.

Apparently, the plan is to construct a cute chalet in the heart of Alameda Point, and another nearly identical chalet high in the Oakland Hills, nestled in a huge field of artificial snow. Colorful little cars will then whisk commuters to the summit, where they will strap on skis and schuss their way to their destinations throughout the Bay Area.

Although we hate to give an Evil Developer credit for anything, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit his scheme does appear to have a few advantages. First of all, it involves cute architecture, so it is sure to be a hit in Alameda. Second, the choice of a station high in the Oakland Hills has the advantage of keeping commuters suspended high above all of the unpleasant public transportation that runs through that Neighboring City That Is Not Alameda.

Although we are sure the whole thing will never work—those little cars looked awfully flimsy to us!—we are glad the Evil Developer has finally realized that Right-Thinking Alamedans greatly prefer fresh air, the scent of pine, and the crunch of newly fallen snow to those nasty, smelly buses and noisy, crowded trains.

Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Can't Even Get Sign on Right Side of Street

Rog,

I've found another problem with Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

I happen to live on Central avenue, near Versayalls. A few evening ago, I was on my way to my car to drive over to Starbucks, when I noticed that the horrendous "ALAMEDA" neon sign had been lit up. That in itself is worth complaining about, because how dare they use the name of OUR town to name THEIR theater? But what shocked me was that the big developers from out of town had put up the sign on the WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET. Yes, the neon erection is on the SOUTH side of the street, not the north side where the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex is.

I had to take a picture of this before they realize their mistake and move it back to the correct side of the street. Please forgive the photographer's shaky hand, but I think you can see perfectly here that the sign (the pink thing) is too far to the left.

If you don't believe this, try it for yourselves! Take a little trip past my house toward Park street and you will see that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex has provided us with yet another reason for everybody to hate it!

Warm Regards,

Pamela Mirabelle

Scoop! Of Brazilians Who Are Nuts about the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are accustomed to fan mail from every far-flung corner of our Treasured Island, but it's not every day that one of our Brazilian readers chimes in. We were pleasantly surprised recently when we received this message from an avid devotee in South America, who we imagine looks absolutely stunning in feathers:

CresceNet said...

Oi, achei seu blog pelo google está bem interessante gostei desse post. Gostaria de falar sobre o CresceNet. O CresceNet é um provedor de internet discada que remunera seus usuários pelo tempo conectado. Exatamente isso que você leu, estão pagando para você conectar. O provedor paga 20 centavos por hora de conexão discada com ligação local para mais de 2100 cidades do Brasil. O CresceNet tem um acelerador de conexão, que deixa sua conexão até 10 vezes mais rápida. Quem utiliza banda larga pode lucrar também, basta se cadastrar no CresceNet e quando for dormir conectar por discada, é possível pagar a ADSL só com o dinheiro da discada. Nos horários de minuto único o gasto com telefone é mínimo e a remuneração do CresceNet generosa. Se você quiser linkar o Cresce.Net(www.provedorcrescenet.com) no seu blog eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. If is possible add the CresceNet(www.provedorcrescenet.com) in your blogroll, I thank. Good bye friend.

December 9, 2007 11:05 AM

It's been a few years since we were in Rio, so our Portuguese is a little rusty, but it's clear that our new friend finds our investigative reporting both interesting and enjoyable. He is apparently able to access it through Crisco.Net, which is the South American equivalent of the Interweb especially for those who are into cooking with delicious shortening. People in more than 2,100 cities in Brazil are willing to pay us 20 cents an hour to read the kind of journalistic masterpieces that are otherwise hard to come by in the wilds of the Amazon. We are glad that we can provide them with that opportunity, and will welcome the much needed funds for the Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda.

"Phantom" Seeks to Undermine Alameda Civic Light Opera

Dear Mr. Grumbel:

I am writing to enlist the help of your readership, which I understand is vast, in apprehending the individual responsible for disrupting the operations of the Alameda Civic Light Opera in Alameda's Kofman Auditorium.

It all began about a year ago, when members of our company reported hearing what sounded like overwrought strains of 1980's synthesizer pop emanating from deep within the bowels of the theater. Later, a series of increasingly mysterious notes was found pinned up around the hall, full of runaway underlining, spurious "quotation marks," unexpected italics, Odd Capitalization, ALL CAPITALS, and even "combinations" THEREOF. These rambling missives threatened the A.C.L.O. with ruin if we did not "pay back what [we] owe," apparently in recompense for some tragic event that befell this individual many years ago. The formal tone of the notes only imperfectly masked the writer's vehement disdain for all of the A.C.L.O.'s efforts.

In our defense, I must point out that the A.C.L.O. has suffered a series of unexpected hardships that have affected our ability to fund quality performances. After viewing a hard-hitting investigative report of damage from flooding due to burst pipes in the Alameda Museum, the A.C.L.O. decided to inspect its basement as a precautionary measure. First we discovered a long hallway illuminated by a series of non-standard lighting fixtures. Then we nearly stepped in a pile of…evidence that a large animal of some kind was being quartered in one of the subterranean chambers. Finally, the plumber we hired was alarmed to discover huge quantities of water—almost like an underground river—in a previously unexplored sub-basement deep beneath Kofman Auditorium. The poor plumber was startled by a blast of synthesizer music followed by sinister laughter and a haunting voice crying out for repayment of some terrible debt. Just before he dropped his flashlight and fled the scene, he could have sworn he saw something not unlike a barge floating in the murky water.

The public can rest assured, however, that the A.C.L.O. will take precautions to prevent moisture and rogue animals from damaging performance facilities, and that the lighting fixtures will be brought up to code as soon as possible, despite the great expense. Furthermore, it is not true, as rumors have suggested, that the company is in danger of running out of sopranos. Only a few of our lead singers have, in fact, disappeared, and our talented understudies have always proved themselves more than equal to the task of stepping in on short notice.

We urge anyone with information about what some have called a "phantom" presence in the basement of Kofman Auditorium to contact the A.C.L.O. at 864-2256.

Sincerely Yours,
Len "Bossman" Paris, on behalf of the A.C.L.O. Board of Directors