Can Alameda's Mexican Food Be Spicy? The Answer May Surprise You!

Yesterday evening, fire crews responded to a major incident at one of Alameda's most popular Mexican eateries. By the time the Alameda Daily Noose and I arrived, the situation appeared to be under control. Fire vehicles, firefighters and equipment from Oakland responded to the scene, joining numerous Alameda firefighters, fire trucks and other equipment already responding.

The incident began when right-thinking Alamedan John Blanding ordered what the menu described as a "'spicy' three-cheese burrito." Upon popping said "burrito" into his mouth, Mr. Blanding immediately felt an intense burning sensation he had never before experienced in Alameda. He cried out, "My God, when it said 'spicy' I thought it meant Alameda spicy! It feels like my mouth is on . . . FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" Panicked patrons stampeded out of the restaurant, and a quick-thinking staff member sounded the alarm and activated the building's emergency sprinkler system.

Mr. Blanding was rushed to the recently opened Capsicum Trauma Center at Alameda Hospital, where a quick application of milk and sour cream saved the man's life. The extent of damage to the restaurant was not available at the time of publishing this story in Alameda Daily Noose.

Sadly, this incident could easily have been prevented. All restaurants in Alameda are supposed to be inspected regularly to ensure that no traces of chilies or other exotic spices ever accidentally find their way into the food. Alameda candlestick maker Pat "the General" Mills was an observer at the scene and commented: "This was an accident waiting to happen. I've been writing grumpy letters to the editor for years about the lax enforcement of Alameda's spice control ordinances. It's a wonder some right-thinking Alamadean's tongue hasn't gone up in flames before today."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to remind our readers to check carefully for a posted up-to-date certificate from the Alameda Department of Spice Control before eating in any local restaurant. The tongue you save may be your own!

Bagpipe-Hugger Roy Avery Is at It Again

Editor,

I'm sure that long-time Alamedans are proud of our Danny MacSteele's success. I've read her historical novels with great interest, and especially enjoyed Love's Caber's Toss'd, but I think she's made a serious error in her latest work.

I haven't read her new book yet, and I don't intend to now that I know what an unkind portrayal of Angus Horsburgh it contains. The way I've heard it told, Angus was no monster. He was just a music lover, and a supporter of the arts, who happened to look a bit too handsome in a kilt for his own good. True, he made some mistakes, but it does our community no good to spread exaggerations and harmful falsehoods about a one-time vice-mayor. And the bit about the Squirrels was totally uncalled for. That was just a vicious rumor cirulated by men who were jealous of Angus and his manly charms!

I hope little Danny will consult with me next time she's writing a book, so that I can help her steer clear of such jarring inaccuracies in her accounts of Alameda history.

Roy Avery

Alamedan Danielle MacSteele Writes Yet Another Book

Alameda author Danielle MacSteele has written yet another book, Devil in a Kilt, a historical romance novel taking us back to Alameda during the century before last. It is the story of three college friends and their families, well educated, well to do, and loyal to the City Council. Delighted, they see conservative Heinrich Weichhart win the mayoral election. But within months, the reins of government tighten. Weichhart's new vice-mayor, Angus Horsburgh, asserts more power daily. Blinded by his promises in their hour of need, the people rejoice; little do they know that he will lead them into tyranny and doom.

Why did the people fall under his spell and worship him? The author gives compelling answers by reaching behind the mystique that shrouded Horsburgh's persona, the man who called himself the Kilted Savior sent by God. Her characters struggle between Right Thinking and the temptation of Tartan and Bagpipes.

Alameda is at a crossroads: a city of splendor amidst the abject poverty of new Scottish immigrants; Horsburgh as choirboy, his stormy love affair with a niece half his age whose obsession with Squirrels caused many rumors. It is the story of people coping with adversity, of their fear of informers lurking everywhere, of human ingenuity to make do and survive when everything is lost and nothing can be bought. It is the account of a people saved by Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" that helped them, and their Treasured Island, back to their feet in 1893.

All in all, it is an inspiring chronicle of the resilience of the Alamedan spirit. The author is a seventh-generation Alamedan, which makes her books at least seven times better. Her family's experiences and those of their friends give a panoramic view of all aspects of life during that tempestuous time. In 1998, she published her first book, A Whiff of Whiskey. Ms. MacSteele's subsequent works included Love Among the Walnuts, Sporran in the Grass, Squirrel o' My Dreams, Wuthering Haggis, and Love's Caber's Toss'd. Her previous book, 2004's critically acclaimed Clash of the Tartans, recently received Alameda's highest literary honor: having a copy donated to the library by the community group Unaction Alameda. (The Alameda Daily Noose and I kindly ask our readers not to inform Miss MacSteele that the library already had a copy; she would undoubtedly be devastated.)

Concerned Alamedans Oppose Plan for Red Light District on Central Avenue

Dear Editor:

As the leader of a group of concerned Alamedans who live on or near Central Avenue, I wish to announce that we have launched a petition drive asking the City Council to act immediately to shut down the house of ill repute that opened to great fanfare on Saturday at 2200 Central Avenue. I have attached what appears to be an artist's rendering of the project, submitted to the Planning Board during the approval process. My computer-whiz friends tell me you can click double on the following dingus to see all the details of this horrible plan:

http://www.aclo.com/

According to my sources, which are never wrong about these things, an Evil Developer from out of town...somewhere in Texas, I believe it was...came in and managed to rush the whole thing through the permit and approval process with a lot of song and dance about how the brothel was somehow "a valuable and entertaining addition to Alameda's cultural scene," on par with great civic institutions like the ballet...no, I think he said it was more like an opera, only lighter. Apparently he even suggested...without so much as a blush, mind you...that the general public might welcome and enjoy open, explicit displays of thespianism! WELL, maybe that's SOME people's idea of "culture," perhaps in some liberal hell-hole like Amsterdam or San Francisco, but certainly not in OUR neighborhood!

Maybe folks don't really love their kids in Texas, but here in Alameda we value The Children and we won't stand idly by while they're exposed to allude and loquacious behavior. We're also concerned that the ruckus from the bordello will keep folks in our neighborhood up at all hours. Worst of all, we are concerned that the proposal did not include nearly enough off-street parking spaces, and we fear that the so-called "Johns" will be constantly parking RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSES!

We concerned Alamedans want to know: WHY was all the planning done in secret? WHY didn't anyone knock on our door, sit down with us on the couch, offer us a cold beer, explain all of this to us, ask us for our opinions, and patiently listen and take notes as we gave him an earful? HOW much tar and feathers will it take to cover the entire Planning Board and City Council?

I'm sure that the Evil Developer from Texas told the Planning Board that this project was the "best" for Alameda and would have "little" impact. Well, we concerned Alamedans feel that this whole ridiculous production will turn out to be the "worst, big whorehouse from Texas" that this town has ever seen!

Indignantly Yours,

Clara Butler-Frisby

Scoop! Aliens Invade Alameda!

At a packed-to-capacity meeting last night, the City of Alameda Public Works Department, in conjunction with the California State Coastal Conservancy, finally provided a panicked public an opportunity to learn about proposed actions and developing plans to control invasive alien infestations of our Treasured Island.

The spread of the non-native alien invaders in our lush island habitats has been a topic of concern in the San Francisco Bay region since the early 1970's. The Conservancy has identified infestations of species of little green aliens known to us only as "Spartina" in areas of prime real estate throughout the Bay Area, including Alameda. Most disturbingly of all, these ruthless interlopers have taken nearly total control of locations that are well-known as favorite gathering places for The Children.

The City has formed an alliance with the State Coastal Conservancy and the East Bay Regional Park District to provide significant, timely control and eradication of the invasive Spartina. 2007 marks the first year that invasive Spartina control efforts will occur along the northern shoreline of Alameda. Our Mayor, speaking from the steps of City Hall, assured a hastily assembled audience, "We shall defend our Treasured Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the Alameda Landing grounds, we shall fight in the soccer fields and in the streets, we shall fight on Mount Trashmore; we shall never surrender!"

Control of the spread of the non-native Spartina would serve to minimize the potential for Spartina-caused disasters, encroachment into soft, susceptible areas quite possibly inhabited by The Children, and impacts to the God-given habitat of local, native, right-thinking Alamedans.

The purpose of this public review of the proposed Spartina defense force and battle alliance efforts is to provide the public an opportunity to learn about proposed military actions to control this invasive alien menace. More information can be found at http://www.spartina.orq.

Rip-Off! "Fray by the Bay" a Huge Disappointment

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were so excited as we entered Alameda Hospital last night, our V.I.P. passes in hand, ready to witness the "Fray by the Bay." Our hearts sank as we realized that the old gymnasium looked nothing like we remembered; in fact, it had been so heavily remodeled that it looked just like any other conference room one might find on the first floor of a hospital. We looked around, but the steel cage was nowhere to be found. Instead of seeing Brenda Karl and Elaine Hollandaise face off in the smackdown of the century, all we saw were two ladies having a boring discussion about something that had absolutely nothing to do with Squirrels. They didn't hit each other at all, or even make any attempt to wrestle! As they prattled on and on about housing or density or something, we quickly nodded off.

When we awoke, everyone was gone, except for a few disgruntled gentlemen who had placed bets on the match. Tempers flared, and eventually all of the bets were reluctantly returned to the bettors. To look on the bright side, however, since no sporting event actually occurred, nobody had to worry about breaking any laws against sports betting. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are still out our $50 each for V.I.P. passes, and boy, are we miffed about that. What a colossal rip-off!

Karl is Odds-On Favorite in "Fray by the Bay"

The Alameda Daily Noose and I, Roger "The Greek" Grumbel, have endorsed former councilmember Brenda Karl as the odds-on favorite in tonight's "Fray by the Bay," which will finally settle the debate over Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." We have placed the odds at a conservative 91-1 against her opponent, all-around nasty person Elaine Hollandaise.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I remind you that betting on sporting events in the United States is a serious crime, and there is absolutely no way that we have our entire $2,035.45 Social Security check riding on tonight's match. Right-thinking Alamedans should not, repeat, not see this as an invitation to place their wagers at the ratty folding table that will be set up discreetly in the shadows of the old arched driveway at the front of Alameda Hospital, starting at noon today.

Brenda Karl vs. Elaine Hollandaise in the "Fray by the Bay"
Bell Time 7:00 p.m.
Alameda Hospital
2070 Clinton Avenue
The Old Gymnasium (now known as "Conference Room C") on the First Floor
Alameda, CA 94501