Mammoth Squirrels Overshadow Fan Mail and Other Delights

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are well accustomed to fan mail from famous people all over Alameda, but even we were taken aback when we received a letter recently from one of our all-time favorite musical artists. None other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame is apparently an avid reader of our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. In honor of the occasion, the Noose and I put on our best leisure wear and took a print-out of the letter down to the romper room to peruse while enjoying a number from our favorite album, Whipped Cream and Other Delights. In order to allow our readers to participate in this transcendent experience, we have provided an Alameda Daily Noose exclusive video of the event.

Oh, and of course we read the letter that Mr. Albert sent. In it, he alerted us to an article in one of the other major news media documenting a frightening development in the Global War on Squirrels. It seems that a youngster in La Crosse, Wisconsin, the birthplace of that game played with the funny basket thingies on sticks, was chased by a gigantic Squirrel, and escaped its horrible maw only by wrenching out the mammoth tooth that had snagged him. He is shown holding the tooth in a photo that must have been taken by his grandfather only moments after the incident. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have often warned that the Squirrel problem will only get bigger if we allow tree density to increase on our Treasured Island, and this is a sobering example of just how big that problem could be.

There but for the grace of Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," go we.

Measure Angus Champion to Take On All Comers Tonight

On Thursday, November 8, at 7 p.m., concerned Alamedan Dave Williamson will pull on his rhetorical gloves for a debate to end all debates on Alameda's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus. Mr. Williamson will, of course, be arguing in favor of Measure Angus. No-one in particular has been invited to argue the other side, but there is generally a rowdy group of auburn-haired, kilted proponents of runaway Tartan density who show up to such events.

The winner of tonight's rumble, which all Right-Thinking Alamedans already know will be Mr. Williamson, will walk away with a $10,000 purse or "sporran," as it is called by those who hate Alameda as much as they love Bagpipes. So get ready for the match of the millennium as Mr. Williamson defeats them all in a rock-'em, sock-'em, perfectly fair and completely balanced and civilized debate.

For those readers who aren't from Alameda, Measure Angus, colloquially known as "Measure Angus," is some legal dingus in the City of Alameda that saves us all from the horror of Bagpipe music, makes it safe for us to walk our dogs at night, and is the only reason we all bought houses here in the first place. For more information, attend the debate at Alameda Central Gathering Place. All cabers must be checked at the door.

The Most Amazing Customer Service

Rog,

I have to tell you a story about the most wonderful customer service I have ever experienced. Of course, it happened right here in Alameda.

As you know, I think it's important that we shop locally and support our local Alameda businesses. So I was visiting our local Starbucks, and since it was Sunday, I thought I'd treat myself to a hot cocoa. I placed my order - and the waitress (or I think they are also called barristers) actually went above and beyond the call of duty - she asked if I'd like whipped cream on my cocoa!

What a tasty delight it was! And such customer service. She didn't HAVE to offer me whipped cream, and that little token of appreciation made all the difference in the world!

I hope that all twelve of the other Starbucks in Alameda will learn from this young lady's example and continue this fine tradition of customer service.

Warm Regards,

Alicia Chen Schnatmeyer

Recipe for Creamy Hamburger Spud Bake

Following are highlights from a handwritten note stuffed under our door by our next-door neighbor, Mildred Bolus:

Creamy Hamburger Spud Bake

Ingredients:

2 lbs. hamburger, lightly browned
salt and pepper
chopped onion
1lb. package frozen tater tots

Directions:

Press hamburger and onion mixture in bottom of medium casserole. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (go easy with that pepper, though!). Place tater tots on top. Pour over top: one 8 oz. container sour cream diluted with 1/4 cup skim milk.

Bake 1/2 hour at 350 degrees, uncovered. Serve with ketchup.

Mildred Bolus visits the Alameda Daily Noose and me every Tuesday for tea while her husband Mort plays golf, year-round, rain or shine, at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters.

Chew Toy Not Lost After All

Dear Rog,

I spotted your dog's chew toy poking out from under the side hedge yesterday. Thought you might be looking for it.

Your neighbor,

Mort

Editor's comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I have reunited our faithful canine companion and journalistic watchdog, Scoop, with his favorite toy. Scoop just loves to tear into that squeaky rubber roll that looks just like one of the local rags that call themselves "newspapers". We toss it into the yard for him to chase, urging him on with calls of "After the Fish Wrap, boy! Chew up all of that bad, bad journalism into little pieces! Kill the nasty words!" Our thanks to Mort for making it possible for us to continue our exercises in thoughtful criticism.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Tells Viola Legume to Keep Her Peas in Her Pod!

Roger,

Viola Legume has some Nurve!

Writing about scary costumes when the very soul of our island is at stake. Just look at the photo I have attached, of a multi-family house using it's front yard as a repository for vegetable matter! It's outrageous. We're an island!

Everyone knows that 1973's Measure Acorn saved the city from being overrun by bushy-tailed rodents. This photo shows exactly why we worked so hard to pass it. Rabbit-hutch, apartment dwellings are known for leaving their vegetable matter just lying around their yards. Can you imagine what Alameda would have looked like had we not passed these Laws That Saved Our City?

Outrageou-edly yours,

Donald Kirkland

Tracey from Julia Park Named Publisher & Executive Editor of the Alameda Puppy Trainer

On Friday, October 26, the Alameda Daily Noose and I recieved a very important press release marked "Embargoed until Nov. 1." Naturally, we were tempted to read it and publish it early, say, on Monday, October 29, caught up in the excitement like a four-year-old the night before Christmas; however, as a Noose Man in the Classic Sense I was honor-bound to put the press release in a Very Safe Place until November 1.

Unfortunately, it seems that somehow the Alameda Daily Noose and I managed to use the press release to wrap a delicious halibut we bought at that hippie grocery store. By the time we got around to frying up that fish, we weren't able to make out all that much of the press release, but as far as we can tell, some lady named Tracey, who comes from the Julia Park neighborhood of Santa Rosa, has been chosen as the new publisher and executive editor of the Alameda Puppy Trainer "newspaper."

Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I wouldn't trust anyone who is not from Alameda, but Tracey said something nice about us, so she must be different from most outsiders. Maybe she can teach a thing or two to those hacks at the Puppy Trainer, especially if she pays close attention to the level of journalistic integrity embodied in the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We just hope that after that long commute from Santa Rosa, she is not tempted to park in front our house. Good luck, Tracey!