Finally, Some Real "Trash Talk" from Brenda Karl!

Rog,

I think that you and I, as well as the Alameda Daily Noose, know full-well who's going to kick whose bushy-tailed posterior at tomorrow's "Fray by the Bay." Yeah, that's right, former councilmember Brenda Karl is going to administer a smack-down the likes of which D.A.R.L.I.N.G. little Elaine Hollandaise has never seen! I'm going to come down on her like her good friends, the Squirrels, on a bag full of nuts! She won't be feeling so chipper when I've got her in a headlock. She'll be begging to be sent back to San Francisco, where we all know she lives with all her rodent buddies. She'll be hugging those ropes like they were a tree, but little does she know, I'll be the axe comin' to chop her sorry derriere!

It's lucky for little Elaine that tomorrow's big match is going to be held in Alameda Hospital, because she's going to need intensive care when I'm through with her. I hope she hasn't cashed all those checks from Big Arborist yet, 'cause she's going to need them to pay her hospital bills! She may float like a flying Squirrel, but I'm going to drop her like an acorn in autumn. Boo-yah!

Sincerely,
Brenda Karl

Editor's note: Now that's more like it! What is it that the kids these days say? Oh yes, "You are a go-go girl!"

Squirrel-Hugger's Pathetic Attempt at "Trash Talk"

Dear Editor:

I was a bit taken aback by your piece on the upcoming "Measure Acorn" debate being held by the City of Alameda Democratic Club. I was under the impression that this was to be a free exchange of ideas on the potential benefits and challenges posed by urban wildlife in our community. The notion of a violent conflict involving personal, physical attacks on those with differing opinions was the farthest thing from my mind when I accepted the invitation to participate, and I do not recall any mention of "wrestling" in the description of the event.

I'm sure that all those involved intend to engage in a spirited tug-of-war of ideas, and nothing more. The purpose of debate is not to determine a winner, nor even a loser, but to stimulate thought and discussion, and perhaps lead the way to a mutually agreeable conclusion at some future date. No doubt, Ms. Karl and I share a great deal of common ground on the subject of Squirrels, and those commonalities may well come to light once we sit down together in a public venue to elaborate upon our seemingly disparate positions.

Respectfully,
Elaine Hollandaise
Co-Chair, D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

Editor's note: Ms. Hollandaise—if that is her real name—is obviously unversed in the conventions of "trash talk." The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that she wrestles better than she "disses" her opponent. We think we can speak for all V.I.P. pass-holders when we say that if we don't leave with at least one decent bloodstain on our garments, paying a full $50 will have been a complete waste of our hard-earned money.

"Measure Acorn" Rivals to Face Off in Squirrel Cage Smackdown

Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! July 11, at 7:00 p.m. in the old gymnasium at Alameda Hospital, the City of Alameda Democratic Wrestling Federation (C.A.D.W.F.) will present a no-holds-barred steel cage match that is being internationally promoted as the "Fray by the Bay." Frustrated with years of so-called community meetings and quote-unquote public forums that have decided nothing, the C.A.D.W.F. plans to settle the long-running debate over Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" the American way: with good old-fashioned, red-blooded violence.

Proudly representing the views of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere will be former councilmember Brenda Karl, who is fiercely independent and is not, repeat, not wrestling on behalf of the community group "Save Quiet, Unspoiled Islands from Rapacious Rodent Evildoing Limb-Hoppers Attacking, Terrorizing, and Endangering Residents: Squirrels!" (S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!). Karl will face off against the reviled Squirrel-hugger Elaine Hollandaise, founding member and co-chair of "Delightful Acrobatic Rodents Living In Neighborhood Greenery" (D.A.R.L.I.N.G.), paid shill of Big Arborist, and all-around nasty person. The outcome of the match will determine whether "Measure Acorn" is upheld or rejected, thanks to a little-known provision in the City Charter that has not been invoked since 1894, when Thurston Wainwright defeated Fergus Avery in a thrilling match that upheld Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," which had been enacted just one year earlier.

Tickets will go on sale today, Friday, July 5 at 10:00 a.m. at the C.A.D.W.F. box office and ticketmaster.com. Ticket prices are $15 for the bleachers, $20 for floor seats, $25 for ringside seating, and special V.I.P. passes for $50. Bell time is 7:00 p.m. and the doors open at 6:30 p.m. Parents who see this be warned, this match is going to be violent and bloody and may contain foul language, twisted logic, and explicit discussion of Squirrels.

Delicious melted cheese will save us

Rog,

The other night I was just browsing this thing called You Tube, which apparently is one of the series of tubes that make up the Internets. I couldn't believe my luck! It turns out that a nice lady and her son have already come up with a delicious solution to Alameda's Squirrel overpopulation problem.

I think the mayor needs to call up the owner of that new waterfront shopping center immediately and demand a white tablecloth restaurant that specializes in the dish shown in this video. That will solve two problems at once: classing up that low-class shopping center and solving the Squirrel overcrowding problem once and for all!

Janice Lighter-Merv

12:05 a.m.: Scoop! John Knox White's Commission's Master Plan for Grand Street Exposed

Acting on a tip from a concerned Alamedan, the Alameda Daily Noose's crack team of investigative journalists has obtained (through methods that most certainly did not, repeat, did not involve donning a black cat burglar outfit and playing the soundtrack from "The Pink Panther") a copy of a secret report being prepared in secret by John Knox White's Commission. This report, entitled "A System to Increase Traffic and Congestion," features a chapter called "Grand Street Master Plan" that confirms all of the worst fears of the concerned Alamedans who live on that threatened patch of our Treasured Island.


This artist's rendering, taken directly from John Knox White's Commission's report, shows the view from above Grand St. looking south. In the middle is the intersection with the newly re-engineered Santa Clara Ave. The high-density housing towers slated to rise on extensive new landfill south of Shoreline Dr. are visible in the distance.

Today, during the huge parade being held for the Alameda Daily Noose and me, a group of concerned Alamedans who live on or near Grand Street will launch a petition drive asking the City Council not to approve John Knox White's Commission's System to Increase Traffic and Congestion. We encourage all right-thinking Alamedans in attendance to sign the petition, right after they finish throwing their bouquets to the Alameda Daily Noose and me.

Time to Celebrate a Great Day for America

Strike up the band!

That's right, it's almost time to commemorate a defining event in our nation's history, one that took place nearly a full week ago tomorrow. Yes, I'm talking about Thursday, June 28, 2007, that fateful day on which the 3,000th piece of wretched refuse of the Internets arrived on the gleaming golden shores of the Alameda Daily Noose, yearning to breathe free!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were delighted to learn that the whole city of Alameda will be celebrating the auspicious occasion of our 3,000th hit—with no errors, mind you!—by staging a huge parade in our honor tomorrow, July 4, 2007! We are so excited about this that we just know we will be unable to catch a wink of sleep tonight. After all, it's not often that we take the time to celebrate what makes this country great: the fierce independence and bulldog-like determination of a News Man in the classic sense, walking hand in hand with his faithful noosepaper.

We're a little concerned that we haven't yet received word about the car in which we will be riding tomorrow, but we imagine this is due to the difficulty of leasing a Rolls Royce Silver Ghost on such short notice. Of course, if our car does not show up (those British cars can be notoriously unreliable), we are prepared to jump into any vacant vehicle we happen to spot in the parade lineup, and we won't shy away from performing a dramatic re-enactment of the event for the potential millions of loyal viewers of our award-eligible community access cable television program.

God bless America, and God bless the Alameda Daily Noose and me!

Dave Williamson Exposes Flagrant Violation of Brown Act

Rog,

Yesterday, I snapped this picture of UPS trucks in my neighborhood. As you can clearly see, there are not one, not two, but three of these trucks parked right next to each other, in a flagrant, broad-daylight violation of the Brown Act. I'm just glad The Children were not around to witness this scene.

The Brown Act was passed in 1953, in response to public outcry over an army of transient courier delivery trucks traversing the entire length of small towns each day at rush hour, contributing nothing to those cities except congestion and pollution. The Brown Act forbids three or more UPS trucks from meeting without first posting an agenda and notifying the public, and it requires that each UPS driver begin by taking public comment from all citizens in attendance before delivering any packages.

Needless to say, I never received anything in the mail about the meeting of three UPS trucks in my neighbhorhood, nor did I see a word about it in the Alameda Daily Noose or any of the other major news media. When I blocked the advance of the driver in the photo above, waving my speaker slip and demanding my three minutes of public comment, the look in his eyes was a clear invitation to stick my little slip somewhere I can't describe in a family noosepaper.

Any and all violations of the Brown Act must be taken seriously. I think our city leaders, City Manager and Council, need to call a meeting with UPS officials to discuss and discourage this. When UPS refuses to listen to us right-thinking Alamedans, we must immediately begin drawing up plans for Alameda to run its own package delivery service. All UPS truck access can then be blocked off by installing protective barricades and extensive security checkpoints at each tunnel and bridge. That will teach them to needlessly slow down traffic in our town!

Dave Williamson