Gene Clipworth Wants Alameda to Immediately Terminate its Master Tree Plan

Editor,

I am not anti-tree, but I AM against planting trees for the wrong reasons. We've all heard a lot about the City of Alameda's so-called Master Tree Plan, but we have to ask ourselves who is behind this plan. For that matter, who or should I say what is behind the TREES? Is that a bushy tail I see sticking out?

I was searching the google the other day when I ran across this shocking propaganda video:



It ends with a reference to an interweb sight filled with even more hateful pro-Squirrel propaganda masquerading as environmental advocacy. This, in combination with the video, constitutes absolute proof that the Squirrels are merely trying to promote tree planting in order to obtain more government-subsidized housing for themselves.

Alameda already has more than its fair share of trees. Sure, you'll hear some Squirrels complaining that their pups have to scurry off to other cities to find trees of their own, but these whiners need to realize that not every Squirrel has a right to live in Alameda. Maybe if those pups work hard and save their acorns they'll be able to afford to move back into a small "starter bush" in Alameda some day. Our government has no business interfering in the tree market by subsidizing housing for these Squirrels with their outsized senses of entitlement.

Trees are an important part of the city, and we have an alternative vision: a public tree trust. The concept behind the notion underlying this idea is that the trees belong to the People, not the Squirrels and that's all of Us not all of Them. There are many things that can be done with the trees to discourage Squirrels: limiting tree height and density, little wrought-iron fences with spikes on top, rings of sticky stuff smeared around the tree trunks, or perhaps even catapults. Of course, this won't look like the groves of trees we're used to seeing. It will look like the Alameda Tree Trust, with its own special system of anti-Squirrel defenses.

We've heard a lot about our "carbon footprint" lately, but that doesn't concern me. The kind of footprints we should REALLY be worried about is Squirrel footprints!

The city should immediately terminate the Master Tree Plan, and join with the rapidly growing numbers of Alameda folks who have signed on to this alternative vision.

Gene Clipworth

City's Tree Plan at Root of Business Loss

Rog,

I knew it! The City's devious, unpopular, tacky "Master Tree Plan" has caused a disaster larger than any I've witnessed for weeks.

Mind you, Right-Thinking Alamedans were already suffering on a daily basis from this stupid policy of planting trees next to streets. I mean, how am I supposed to drive around corners when even getting so much as one wheel up on the sidewalk puts me in danger of clipping one of those woody monstrosities? I've found that, unlike soft, squishy pedestrians, those trees can really do some damage to your car.

A few months ago, the City deliberately stuck a tree alongside one of my usual driving routes, and I must have run into the stupid thing every time I've gone that way since. It's like they expect me to stay on the road, which, what with all of those distracting "lane markings" and other gobbledygook, is impossible!

Since everybody drives the way I do, it's obvious that this twisted tree-planting mania gripping our town was the root cause of one of our major car dealerships deciding to throw up its hands in despair, and move to some place whre they have the sense to keep streets far away from trees. I always prefer to buy my cars in places like that anyway, so maybe now I'll give our old dealership, whatever their name was, some business.

Former City Council Candidate

How Many Alamedans Will Be Alive After 40 Years to "Benefit" From Newly Planted Trees?

Rog,

For far too long, Alamedans have failed to ask the tough questions about trees. I am the only person who is independent-thinking enough to ask why the City is spending our tax money to plant spindly little trees that will take decades to reach their full height, if they survive that long. How many people who are paying taxes now will be around to "enjoy" these full-grown trees forty years from now?

Even if a tree planted today escaped such pitfalls as Squirrel gnawing and runaway skateboard damage, and reached its full height, how do we know that there would be any actual advantages to having it in our town? Some claim that trees prevent run-off, but I tried pouring some water over a tree in my neighborhood and it was abundantly clear that all of it was running right off the branches and straight down the trunk. Then there's some nonsense about trees providing shade for parked cars along the streets. Well if it's so important to have shade for parked cars, why isn't the City bringing in fully grown trees so that we can have that shade without waiting for it? With today's technology, it can't be difficult or expensive to uproot a twenty-foot oak tree, truck it into town, and excavate a space for it on some shade-deprived street.

But it's blatantly obvious to anyone who is paying even the slightest amount of attention that everything is always a zero-sum game - where somebody wins, someone else loses. So who loses? Right-Thinking Alamedans. Planting trees shifts the so-called benefits of forestation away from Right-Thinking Alamedans and over to the Squirrels and the politicians who do their bidding TODAY, with a promise of a future benefit (shade for the precious parking spaces in front of one's house) to Right-Thinking Alamedans in the future. 40 years into the future - the typical lifespan of a quote-unquote tree. How many people are aware that Muir Woods is NOT covered by Alameda's Master Tree Plan, and yet Muir Woods was somehow able to grow redwood trees big enough to drive a car through without government subsidies? Were there any studies done to examine if the recently planted trees at Wood Middle School could have been similarly grown without the use of funds from City coffers?

Consider the Master Tree Plan - a scheme more diabolical than any hatched in the twisted brain of the most evil of Squirrels. What's in it for the current residents of Alameda to plant any trees at all? While Big Arborist and the Squirrels will make money and gather nuts, respectively, and the politicians will declare "victory" over "sun" and for creating shade, we Right-Thinking Alamedans will have to wait 40 years to see any supposed protection for the precious parking spaces in front of our houses. How many Right-Thinking Alamedans reading this can imagine that they will be here in Alameda 35-40 years hence to realize the so-called benefits of these trees when they mature?

Dave Williamson

Alameda in the Balance: Time to Confront Greatest Threat to Our Fragile World

On Saturday, April 19, from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m., crowds will gather in Washington Park, while anyone with common sense will remain safely at home. If we are lucky, and stay away from the park in sufficient numbers, our Treasured Island's quality of life may just survive this latest threat.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have always been suspicious of our City's annual "Earth Day" celebrations. They place undue emphasis on the so-called planet, when we know that there is no place more important than Alameda. What does it matter if we destroy the planet as long as we preserve Alameda?

Until now, we have regarded the City's promotion of this event as merely a misguided waste of time and money, but in following an investigative hunch, we have uncovered incontrovertible evidence of a far darker truth.

Yes, the pieces are all fitting into place. It is no coincidence that the so-called Master Tree Plan is underway at this very moment, or that Squirrels seem to be getting craftier, more well-educated, more in touch with earth-hugging granola fanatics, in a word: more Squirrely. You've noticed it too, haven't you?

The reason for it was there all along, staring us in the face. The City thought we wouldn't be clever enough to see it, but we saw it all right. It's no use their saying now that out-of-control tree density will have no significant impact on Squirrel overpopulation, because it is clear now that the City is actively distributing pro-Squirrel propaganda via its media lapdog, the Alameda Puppy Trainer "newspaper"!

The advertisement features a sneering Bushy-Tailed Terrorist holding the globe in the iron grip of its blood-soaked claws, with Alameda clearly visible in its rightful place at the center of the world. Here is our highly disturbing Alameda Daily Noose exclusive scan of this vile piece of pro-Squirrel propaganda, complete with our insightful editorial commentary:

Well-Prepared Reader Offers Praise, Realistic Squirrel Combat Simulator

Editor:

Thank you for having the courage to publish the truth about the City's so-called "Master Tree Plan," the truth your readers are never going to hear from the Squirrel-coddling mainstream news media. Kudos to you!

I thought you and your readers should know that I just returned from the 2008 Backyard Soldier of Fortune Convention and Exposition held at the Sands Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and I am excited to report that I learned a number of techniques that every Right-Thinking Alamedan will need in the escalating Global War on Squirrels.

In addition to the usual catapults, flame throwers, and stainless steel Ruger 10/22s with Volquartsen heavy barrels and gas stabilizers, this year's convention featured an exciting new technological development, the Sciurine Combat And Tactical Simulator, or S.C.A.T.S. This advanced computer program, once accessible only to those with supercomputers in their basement bunkers, is now available in a format suitable for distribution on the Interweb. I have attached a copy above that your readers can use to begin their training.

I realize that some of you namby-pamby, latte-sipping, bicycle-riding, Birkenstock-clad, lily-livered liberals out there might wring your hands over the level of violence depicted in the hyper-realistic S.C.A.T.S. program. Listen, before you strain your limp wrists trying to pick up the phone and call the S.P.C.A., you would do well to remember the official slogan of the Backyard Soldier of Fortune:

"Guns don't kill people; Squirrels kill people."

Sincerely,
Buck Schaat

Brenda Snook Has the Perfect Platform for Airing Her Concerns about Trees

Rog,

It is a sad state of affairs when our City Government holds yet another secret meeting. I only just found out about last Thursday's violation of the Brown Act. The Public Works Department met with the public behind closed doors to review the City's Master Tree Plan. Why didn't anyone notify me ahead of time? And don't bother telling me that there was an announcement in the Alameda Fish Wrap or Puppy Trainer. I never give those rags a glance, because there's nothing in them that interests me. When someone is going to make a decision about something I care about, I expect them to knock on my door, and be persistent, because I don't usually answer the door when people knock on it. Even the doorbell makes me suspicious.

And suspicious is exactly what this so-called plan is, as far as I can see. The name says it all. When the Trees are our Masters, we will all bow to the Master Tree, and that is what this plan is all about. I wasn't surprised to learn that during an earlier, also secret, meeting, "participants wrote down their concerns about trees." Now it's the job of the City to convince us that those concerns don't matter—that our fears about high Tree density are irrelevant, and that it won't cause all of the problems that we know it does. As usual, they are going to try to ram these Trees down our throats, leafy, Squirrel-harboring branches and all!

Back in the good old days, people knew how to deal with Trees, and showed them who was boss. I have fond memories of listening to my grandmother tell tales of how they used to chop down Trees to keep their pesky branches from blocking the arc lights. She always said the only good Tree is a dead Tree, chopped up and stacked next to the wood-stove for winter.

They say there are going to be more of these secret meetings, but you can be sure they won't notify me. I wouldn't go even if they did, because what is the point of airing your concerns about the Trees that are poised to take over our Treasured Island when people are just going to ignore you and plant more of the stupid things? I hope that all Right-Thinking Alamedans will boycott these meetings just like they did the huge failure of a "forum" that the City tried to force us to attend earlier this year.

I'll get off my stump now.

Brenda Snook