Gangrene Living With Janet Marchant: Greening Our Healthcare

People who know me know how much I care about the health of our planet, and the health of people on it. That's why I've been in a tizzy for months about the whole idea of national healthcare reform. I kept hearing people say that it's urgent for our country to move forward, to ensure better health for all, but then it suddenly hit me: our health care system doesn't need to move forward. We need to take a few steps back. Yes, that's right—back in time, to a simpler kind of health.

Sometimes the old ways are best. You see, the big problem with our current healthcare system is all of those nasty chemicals that doctors use for medical procedures, and prescribe to people who are wellness-challenged. Of course, a lot of our problems could be prevented with measures like healthy eating and exercise like people used to get in the days before steam ships replaced slave galleys, but there's an even more important alternative to the "drugs," "vaccines," and "herbal remedies" that are so commonplace in conventional medicine. I'm referring to the all-natural practice of bloodletting. Most doctors seem to have forgotten that leeches have many uses outside the realm of reattaching severed body parts. And since leeches come from nature, we should be able to get them free of charge, unlike those artificial medicines.

Another old-time idea that could be just what the doctor ordered for our current crisis is gangrene. As anyone who's been to Alameda Countrie Peripherie knows, "grene" is just an olde-tyme spelling of "green," thus it's clear that a "gang grene" was just a "green gang," an association of environmentally conscious peasants who pooled their resources to get a better deal on their all-natural sustainable free-range health insurance, which I understand mainly covered the services of leeches. It's time to say no to all those artificial chemical "medicines," and say yes to all-natural healthcare: just say yes to gangrene!

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Reusable, Renewable, Ravishing Household Items

If you're like me, you go through a rolls and rolls of paper towels in the course of accomplishing ordinary, everyday tasks. I used to feel bad about putting all of that paper in the landfill, and using up trees that might be better used to stoke my living room fire pit, but now I've discovered a great alternative for many of my towel needs.

Did you know that it is possible to buy large, sturdy, reusable towels right here in Alameda? That's right! A number of stores carry them, including a couple at our own Countrie Peripherie shopping center. These amazing, paper-free towels are made of all-natural, renewable resources such as cotton. A single towel can last for years. Just wash it after use, or, if it's just wet and not dirty, hang it up to dry and use it again!

Don't be put off by the up-front cost of these miracle cloth towels. They are worth every dime. I recently bought some to use for drying off after bathing, and they've already paid for themselves! Not only that, but the cotton towels don't seem to leave my skin as chapped as the paper ones did.

So save yourself some green, both at the store and in garbage collection costs; try reusable towels today!

Dave Williamson Knows How to Solve Problem of Countrie Peripherie

Rog,

Yesterday's well-balanced article about Alameda-appropriate artwork was timely. "Go away" is exactly the message we need to send now to certain people in our closely knit community. Why? Because Alameda Countrie Peripherie shopping center is boring and ugly and filled with tacky businesses (as the attached photo proves), and is going to lure shoppers away from all of the high-quality bargains available elsewhere on our island.

The Planning Board is to blame. They approved all of the plans for the buildings that now contain all of those businesses that are doomed to fail as soon as they have destroyed our good, honest Alameda businesses. But even if every member of the Planning Board were to go away, our do-nothing mayor would undoubtedly just appoint new members, as if it were important to fill those vacancies.

Now, we might conclude that Right-Thinking Alamedans should tell the mayor to go away, but first we have to consider who is to blame for her being mayor in the first place. Obviously, it's the fault of everyone who voted for her. The solution is simple. Those of us who voted to kick her out of office in the last election all know who we are, so all we have to do is drive away all of the other voters in town.

To that end, it is essential for all Right-Thinking Alamedans to display the "go away" message prominently where it will be seen by anyone attempting to park in front of their houses.

Dave Williamson

8:48 a.m.: Glinda Wright Concerned About Exploding Squirrels at Countrie Peripherie

WATCH OUT ALAMEDA! A convoy of 20 foot-wide tanker trucks filled with fuel will soon be coming down residential streets and into the Countrie Peripherie shopping center. Piggly Wiggly refuses to tell us how many – which means it must be a lot or they would have answered the question when asked the other night at the City Council Meeting.

The neat trick is that the truck driver will have to have precision accuracy to make the necessary 3 left hand turns onto the 22 foot roads to fill up the tanks for Piggly Wiggly. That will be a sight to see!. This means the driver of one of those 20 foot-wide tractor-trailer trucks has a 1 foot clearance on either side during the turns. According to the spiffy ruler I showed off at the Council Meeting, that's anywhere from two thirds to one half the length of -- you guessed it - a CALIFORNIA GREY SQUIRREL!

Piggly Wiggly better hope they have some really good drivers - - oh, I forgot, if I recall, they said they sub-contract out the driving – so who knows what the experience level is for whatever discount fuel hauling company they use - let's hope it is not the same level as the company that was involved in the 580 melt-down.. And to make it more interesting, one of the turns could be right next to the proposed 3 level parking deck – also filled with cars, filled with fuel, next to the new sidewalk filled with pedestrians, some of which might well be Scotsmen playing distracting melodies on bagpipes! We will soon find out – probably the hard way when the truck is making the turn and a SUICIDE SQUIRREL gets into that crucial one foot gap and it explodes.

Of course, Piggly Wiggly says it is all fine – because the “software says so”. Anyone with software experience knows if you put Squirrely numbers in you’ll get Squirrely numbers out. Time will tell just how accurate this piece of software was.

Glinda Wright