When will the City of Alameda disclose the full extent of its thievery?

Our crack team of investigative journalists turned up this shocking piece of photographic evidence of widespread corruption in Alameda's city government. Amazingly enough, this piece of City property, a sawhorse of some type, was brazenly placed in full view of the public at a recent street fair. Normally Alameda Daily Noose and I would have to dismiss this out of hand due to the apparent spelling error; however, since we agree wholeheartedly with the message, we are prepared to overlook it, just this once.

Alameda shuffles slowly toward "gathering place" plan

Rog,

Thank you so much for your continuing coverage of the super-mega-monster-Plex project that Everyone hates. Now that Unaction Alameda has revealed that the new Parking Garage will be made largely of green Cheese and stale Twinkies, it is only a matter of time before ravenous Squirrels and overly frugal Scotsmen in search of a Free meal devour the structural supports and send the whole Thing tumbling down. Fortunately for us Right-thinking Alamedans, this cloud has a silver Lining!

What this town really needs is a Gathering Place. The rubble of the super-Mega-monster-plex project that everyone Hates could be seeded and turned into a lovely meadow. It would be a great place for folks to Gather, perhaps at Night, or at Dawn, or maybe even in the Day. It would be a great place to Wander aimlessly, and who knows, maybe even find a tasty Bite to eat.

This will be a Great chance to turn a Dead space into a Living place. It's a no-Brainer!

Glinda Costman

Paper nobody reads offers cautionary tale for Alameda

Editor,

I opened up this Sunday's San Francisco Chronicle, and I just had to share what I saw with the readers of your noosepaper, the circulation of which I'm sure is a hundred times larger than that of the so-called Chronicle. (I know you must have had some technical problems over the weekend, because it's not possible that the quote-unquote Chronicle scooped you on this story.)

Anyway, this Sunday's shocking exposé documented the sub-human conditions that have resulted from an overpopulation of Scotsmen in San Francisco. The overcrowding is so severe that it has forced elderly Scotsmen to practice their bagpipes in the dank, haggis-infested cellars of local businesses!

These horrible scenes, many of which stretch the boundaries of what is printable in a family noosepaper, take place every day on what most people agree is a peninsula. Alameda, on the other hand, is an island! Can you imagine what the situation would be with our limited ingress and egress of Scotsmen? I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say it involves bumper-to-bumper bagpipes backed up all the way to Buena Vista. Think of The Children!

San Francisco doesn't have Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," and look what a God-forsaken Hell-hole it has become. Everybody needs to remember that Alameda is not San Francisco. Keep "Measure Angus"!

Jack Delinger

5:02 a.m.: "Measure Angus" Sub-committee Hunting for Speakers

The last forum on Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," held in 1898, was a lively event well-attended by the townspeople. Although fiery and sometimes pointed arguments were made, in the end, everyone joined hands to tar and feather the quote-unquote facilitator and shove him onto the next streetcar headed for Berkeley. The tintype above is the only official record of the meeting. Although the image pretty much tells the whole fair and balanced story, a vocal minority of uppity newcomers have had the gall to claim that we need yet another forum on "Measure Angus," so the same old issues can be rehashed one more time.

To that end, the "Measure Angus" sub-committee is soliciting public suggestions for speakers to present, at a public forum on "Measure Angus," the facts, benefits and limitations of "Measure Angus," in the context of bagpipe "music" and the Scottish Housing Element. Please submit the suggested speaker’s name, kilt size, contact information, interests, so-called experience, quote-unquote qualifications, proof of medical insurance, and name of next of kin, in writing, by Friday, June 29, 2007 to: Aithbhreac Auchmuty, Haggis and Kilts Director, City of Alameda, Haggis & Kilts Dept., 2263, Santa Clara Avenue, Room 390, Alameda, CA 94501-4477 OR e-mail:

aauchmuty@haggis.kilts.ci.alameda.ca.us

The sub-committee will review the suggestions and select potential speakers at its next committee meeting, which has yet to be scheduled. The sub-committee will present its final recommendations for the forum to the Haggis Board in a public hearing that provides opportunity for community input. Notice of the Haggis Board hearing will be given when the date is set.

Squirrel/Bicycle Accident

Rog,

Yesterday, I came across this accident at the corner of Lincoln Avenue and Sherman Street. Around 3:00 p.m., a Squirrel traveling southbound on Sherman collided with a youngster's bike traveling north bound on Sherman, just south of Lincoln. Alameda police said the Squirrel's brazen attempt to murder a child was thwarted and nobody was seriously injured. But the hapless bicyclist's knee was severely skinned. (See photo)


Well, there you have it, the blood of a child, just like I warned you...but would you listen? No! I hope you're happy, all of you Squirrel-coddlers out there!

Dave Williamson

Dave Williamson tears Roy Avery a rhetorical new one

Rog,

There he goes again. Roy Avery tries to play sweet and innocent, claiming that he only wants a "wee" modification to Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," just for Alameda Point. Well, that is just the camel's nose under the kilt! Make one "wee" exception and pretty soon every Scotsman in Alameda will be asking for his own peat bog, and taking it all the way the Supreme Court!

Furthermore, I just snapped a picture that proves that so-called Tartan-oriented development is nothing but a pipe dream...a bagpipe dream, that is! Sure, Roy Avery would have us believe that Scotsmen are going to leave their bagpipes at home and take public transit, but he neglects to mention that only 30% of Scotsmen will ever take quote-unquote transit. That means 70% will drive their cars, and, as my photo clearly shows, they will all demand special bagpiper parking places! And I don't even have to tell you what kind of horrible effect a drive-by piping can have on The Children.


You know what? I would not be surprised at all if the white car in the photo belonged to none other than Roy Avery! Yes, he claims to be a big so-called transit advocate, but then he puts his bagpipes in the trunk of his automobile, which I'm 100% certain he drives to work every day! You don't see him trying to fit those bagpipes into the basket of his bicycle, do you? Roy Avery is just like all of the other people who are out to destroy "Measure Angus." What a bunch of hypocrites!

Oh, and did I mention that Alameda is an island? Study after study, including an extensive survey conducted by the prestigious Royal Board of Ordnance, has shown that Scotland is most certainly not an island. That means quote-unquote Tartan-oriented can never work here. I rest my case.

Dave Williamson

Traitor Roy Avery wants to destroy Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"!

Editor,

I must say, I was taken aback by Mr. Kirkland's violent overreaction to my modest peat bog proposal. Mr. Kirkland may long for auld lang syne, before Scotsmen ever found their way to Alameda's bonnie shores, but all of his wishing won't change the Association of Bay Area Governments' Projected Immigrant Population Estimate, or ABAGPIPE. According to ABAGPIPE, Alameda must accommodate its fair share of approximately 3,979 additional Scotsmen by 2025.

Sadly, Alameda's record so far is abysmal: It has only managed to house 27% of its fair share of Scotsmen from 1995 to 2005, earning it a grade of "F" from the Bay Area Scottish Council. Some have argued that Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is largely to blame.

Many things have changed since "Measure Angus" was passed in 1893. I won't deny that bagpipes are still a concern, but recent innovations in the new field of Tartan-oriented development (TOD) allow the clustering of Scotsmen around so-called Tartan nodes, where a colorful interweaving of different land uses and transportation options allows Scotsmen to board convenient public transport vehicles instead of striding endlessly around the bogs, playing their bagpipes. Here are some photographs that illustrate the exciting TOD concept in action:




These quiet, modern ferries and trains whisk the Scotsmen to their destinations in air-conditioned, sound-insulated comfort. Study after study has shown that Scotsmen living in Tartan-oriented developments own fewer bagpipes per household and play them less often than those living on the sparsely populated heaths commonly known as "Scottish sprawl."

Just a wee modification to "Measure Angus," geographically limited to the peat-friendly area of Alameda Point, would allow for the kind of Tartan-oriented development that will enable Alameda to accommodate its ABAGPIPE fair share of Scotsmen in a way that enriches the whole community while minimizing the perceived impact of bagpiping.

Roy Avery