Yard from Hell Is Dragging Down the Neighborhood

Editor,

Something has to be done to protect our property values from the blight that has appeared on my street. I live on Santa Clara Avenue, and I am disgusted to see the state that some neighbors allow their yards to fall into. First it's crabgrass, and then bald spots in the lawn, and before you know it, a yawning portal to Hell has opened up. I don't think I have to tell you how far that can drag down the whole neighborhood.

Now, I am not opposed to Satan, or entrances to the Underworld, but they do not belong in my back yard. A more appropriate place for such development, if it has to happen at all, is Somewhere Else. Perhaps any future Hell Mouth could be located next to the Target that is being planned for Alameda Point. We all know how important it is for Hell Mouths to have good freeway access.

Meanwhile, the Hell Mouth on Santa Clara has got to go. I insist that the City Council do something immediately to keep my home from dropping severely in value, which will almost certainly happen if the Hell Mouth opens up much wider, and my home drops into it.

Cindy Sherman

Ed A. Fauvre Suffers Nightmare of Pedestrian Safety

Editor,

Yesterday, I returned to my home to find that an alteration had been made to the intersection at the corner on which I live. Now, with every turning of the traffic light, a pallid figure glowed ominously from within the black box mounted on a similarly coal-hued pole. Yet, almost as soon as this ghostly vision had appeared, it was replaced by a glowing hand, orange and searing as the flames of perdition. I hurried to the safety of my front door, and closed it against this unwelcome sight.

At once I telephoned the City. I asked why this monstrous contraption must impose almost upon my very doorstep, and how long I must bear it. The answer dashed my hopes, as it was revealed that the box was there to stay, in the name of some barbaric god called Safety.

Through the long evening that followed, I sat in my darkened living room, the rubber band sorting boxes, which normally afford me many a diverting hour, lying neglected before me. The open curtains admitted not only the familiar glow of streetlights, but also a thin beam of preternatural orange, alternating with deathly white. Every shift in this intrusive glare produced a sickening sensation upon my heart, as of the weight of a cold hand pressing against it.

At last, I sought relief in sweet oblivion and retired to my bed. Yet scarcely had my head found the comfort of a downy pillow when a peculiar sound impressed itself upon my consciousness. So faint it was, that I thought at first my wearied mind was playing tricks. It was as if some distant songbird were giving voice to dolorous plaints of yore, and then falling starkly silent. Such sounds had no place in the black of night, when songbirds rest as we do. But again and again the ritual repeated itself with unholy precision. What creature of the night was this that kept me from my rest?

Nerves on the stretch, I rose and sought the source of this unnatural emanation. As I approached my front door, the sound rose in volume, though always at an unvarying pitch. A horrid certainty seized me, even as I reached to open the door, but there was no turning back. In a moment, my fears were all confirmed. Sound and light conspired in unmistakable synchrony. Oh, woeful fate! Nevermore shall I know peace! It was plain to me at last what sound had banished sleep: it was the chirping of that sinister signal!

Ed A. Fauvre

Halloween Too Scary

Editor,

I'm concerned that Halloween has gotten too far from its roots as a pleasant harvest holiday. Although many of my neighbors have cheery orange pumpkins decorating their porches, I've noticed that some of them seem to have faces cut into them. This seems strange to me, especially since some of the faces look more angry than happy. Maybe it's just the decorator's lack of skill, but I am suspicious.

I am also suspicious of the motives behind some of the costumes that parents are allowing children to choose for this fall festival. Lately, there just aren't enough friendly scarecrows, jolly beanpoles, and corn princesses going door to door to share in the symbolic bounty. I did see one young man with an appropriate agricultural implement last year, but his plain, black, hooded robe did nothing to convey the richness of fall colors, and I would think it would be difficult for a field hand to see what he was scything with that hood in the way. If he'd actually been bringing in the wheat, I would have been afraid that he might cut himself by accident.

Sometimes, it almost seems like kids are trying to look tough or scary in the costumes they choose. Parents need to remember to pay attention to what kids are wearing when they leave the house, because Halloween is no time for frightening anyone.

Another thing that scares me about this holiday is the poor quality of treats that many people hand out. I always take great care in selecting the shrink-wrapped produce and unshelled nuts that I bestow on merry-makers, but I could swear that I've seen whole piles of sugary candy in their little treat bags. Some supposedly responsible adults must be cutting corners, and it frightens me to think what those children will have to face next time they go to the dentist.

With only a few days to go, I want to remind our community to respect tradition more. Please, everyone, let's take the scariness out of Halloween this year, and ensure a healthy, vegetable-oriented celebration for all.

Sincerely yours,
Viola Legume

The real Culprits

Roger,

I was driving past catastrophe and used my "camera" to take a picture of it. I was excited enough about successfully using my "camera" to take a picture and then to actually see it on my computer that I am sending it to you!

The photo clearly shows the excitement of a fire in an apartment building in Alameda. As you know, Alameda currently disallows multi-units, like apartment buildings, to be constructed. One of the many reasons that voters decided to do this, was because multiple units can catch on fire, as proven by this photo of a fire engine, parked in front of it, while responding to what appears to have been a fire.

Clearly measure A protects us from conflagrations like the ones they are having in Southern California where they have movie stars and multiple units, sometimes even mixing together! Imagine what would have happened if the voters haven't passed Measure A, the entire island might be fire causing apartment buildings.

You're the best journalist ever,

Jeremy Ronalsi

Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda's Future

Rog,

Here are some questions for the would-be developers of Alameda Point:

Have you ever tried to run through the Caldecott tunnel while it is full of Squirrels? I didn't think so. And yet, that is exactly the scenario that Alameda commuters will be facing if unrestrained implementation of tree plans are allowed to go forward.

Also, who will be willing to live or work at Alameda Point, given that the current levels of Squirrel traffic are almost unbearable, and any further tree development will only exacerbate the situation, leading to a nightmare of cultural complicity and despair that will force us to enlist the help of a professional high-tech Squirrel control firm like the one mentioned in the chilling video above?

Finally, have you ever tried to scream for help with an acorn shoved down your windpipe? No? Well, then, exactly how do you sleep at night knowing that you are placing hundreds of families—many of which include adorable children—in exactly that sort of peril?

These are all fair questions. In fact, I would even say they are gorgeous. I wrote them myself.

Dave Williamson

Clara Butler-Frisby Opposes Legalized Gambling for Kindergarteners

Dear Editor:

As a prominent member of a group of concerned Alamedans, I was apalled to see the headline of yesterday's Alameda Fish Wrap about some ill-advised scheme to get young children hooked on gambling, starting out with a lottery. Naturally, I oppose any sort of gambling, due to its inevitable association with buses. Now, I know that unlike casino gambling, lotteries don't usually involve buses, but I'm sure lotteries are just the beginning. Next it will be baby bingo, toddler slots, junior poker and God-knows-what-else. Is that what we want for our community's children? Kiddie keno? Is that what it will take for people to wake up?

Of course, my own children are grown, and so will never even have the opportunity to participate in this proposed kindergarten lottery, so I don't see why anyone else's children should get to play. I mean, supposing my neighbor's child wins thousands of dollars that my children never had a chance at, both because there was no lottery when they were in kindergarten, and because I wouldn't have allowed them to gamble even if the option had been available to them. Would that be unfair? Well, as my grandfather always used to say, "Are bears Catholic? And what is the Pope doing in the woods?"

Clara Butler-Frisby

Blitz Donnerwetter Narrowly Misses in his Prediction for Yesterday's Weather

Alamedan Blitz Donnerwetter, "The World's Greatest Weather Forecaster", who does weather forecasts on KARP radio, and is a regular guest on the Rog Grumbel TV Show, erred in his prediction that it would rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. yesterday. Actually, it did not rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. In fact, it did not rain at all.

Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would jump right down the throat of any so-called expert who made some kind of mistake, no matter how small; however, since Mr. Donnerwetter reguarly comes on our show and says nice things about us, we will instead point out that although it did not technically rain, the humidity did reach its maximum value at 6:30 a.m. yesterday, and that should be close enough for any right-thinking Alamedan who's not into splitting hairs like some kind of latte-sipping, Volvo-driving, sushi-eating effete intellectual type who's not even from Alameda.