When will "Measure Acorn" Critics Start Practicing What They Preach?

Rog,

I snapped this picture of a Squirrel in my neighborhood. This Squirrel is no doubt one of the recent arrivals to Alameda who insist that while they don't necessarily want to change Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," they are not familiar with it and simply want to have a forum on the topic to educate the public. These are the same Squirrels that are constantly hugging trees, yet I have personally seen them take shelter under automobiles! You don't see them hiding under bicycles in a rain storm, do you? What a bunch of hypocrites!

Dave Williamson

P.S. — I forgot to mention that I own the new Motorola SQRLZ™ cell phone. Among its many cutting-edge features is a little-known capability: Its built-in camera is able to capture and translate Squirrel brain waves into English, and then superimpose the text onto photographs. I assure you that I have in no way altered the picture you see here.

Somebody somewhere in China is 2,000th visitor* to Alameda Daily Noose

In what will undoubtedly be recorded as the crowning achievement of over 4,000 proud years of Chinese civilization, this Saturday, May 27, 2007, a resident of the city of Qingdao, China, became the 2,000th visitor* to Alameda Daily Noose. Although we don't know the name of this brave ambassador of goodwill to Alameda, we salute his or her impeccable taste in journalism. It just goes to prove what Alameda Daily Noose and I have known for years: The largest, most powerful nations on Earth regularly turn to the Alameda Daily Noose when they want the real scoop on issues that don't really matter.

Although some of them may not recognize the modern spelling of the city's name, Qingdao is well known to beer lovers as the home of Tsingtao Beer. Alameda Daily Noose and I imagine that our Chinese friend probably knocked back a bottle or six before his or her fateful visit* to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, the only place he or she could quench his or her thirst for knowledge about the innermost thoughts and desires of our former city council candidates, the timeliness of our publication of random press releases, the virtues of our density-limiting "Measure A," the vices of our super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates, the intricacies of our conspiracy theories, and, of course, the grave threat posed by our Squirrels.

So, my fellow Alamedans, please join Alameda Daily Noose and me in extending a hearty "喝啤酒" (pronounced "ha pi jiu" in the local dialect) to our distinguished visitor* from Qingdao!

Homeowner's tent removed by city over concerns about Measure A

Clifford Grandrougechien of the 3600 block of Central Avenue was forced to remove a large six-person tent from his backyard on Monday. The tent, which Mr. Grandrougechien claimed was set up for a backyard sleepover with his eight-year old daughter and three of her friends, was found to violate Measure A, the city's density limiting law.

Alameda Planning Department Manager said, "I can understand why Mr. Grandrougechien is upset, and it was very difficult enforcing this action, what with all the crying and sobbing on behalf of the little girl. But really, what choice do we have? That tent could be set up for weeks. Add a camp stove and a camping potty and you have a livable unit, and that clearly violates the will of Alameda's voters and the city charter."

The Planning Department Manager added, "I'm sure everyone remembers the great scout campout fiasco of '96. Since that time, we have taken a very aggressive role in processing Measure A concerns. With the help of our state of the art Complaint Possibility Computational System, we are now able to determine whether a possible concern can arise from a given situation and move to deny it before it even has a chance to become a possible problem."

EDITOR'S NOTE: It is important for me, I mean us, to remind you that Measure A allows only two units to be built on a parcel of land and that each unit must have 2,000 sq. feet of property. We fear that by not reminding you of this, the above story might not make sense.

Alameda Daily Noose honors those who made ultimate, penultimate sacrifices

The annual Memorial Day Ceremonies at Alameda's Veterans' Memorial Park at the foot of the Bay Farm Island Bridge will begin this morning at 11:00 AM. In a time when it's so easy to become distracted from the issue at hand, we must remember this Monday to focus all of our thoughts on those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the freedom we all hold dear. But how, you might ask, would we remember to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice if it were not for those of us who made the penultimate sacrifice to bring you the story? Yes, that's right, it was the brave journalistic legions of the Alameda Daily Noose who toiled around the clock to bring you the time and place of the Memorial Day Ceremonies.

Although we're far too modest to talk about it, Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, every hour of every day of every week, bravely protecting you, the readers, from the slings, arrows, bullets, and grenades of public discourse that are constantly slung, shot, and hurled our way. When we see a letter to the editor whizzing through the series of tubes that is the interweb, we throw ourselves in its path — without a thought for our own safety — defiantly shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as everything goes into slow motion. We hit the "delete" key, and millions, or at least hundreds . . . well, perhaps dozens of readers are spared from opinions that might jangle disharmoniously with the established thought patterns of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. Before you can raise your voice to utter a word of gratitude, we've already said it: "No need to thank us, Sir or Ma'am, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me."

Alameda History Board rejects planned renovation, demands horses!

At last night's Historical Accuracy Board meeting, the board rejected plans to renovate a former stable that has been used as a garage for nearly 65 years. City planning staff had given a provisional stamp of approval to the project, claiming that the building was in a state of disrepair and in danger of collapsing. Staff cited the decades-long use of the garage for car parking as the appropriate historical context for the building and recommended approving the structural rehabilitation project that would have allowed the homeowners to begin using the building again.

Heroically, the History Board saw through this blatant attempt to rewrite Alameda's architectural history and voted 4-1, with member Marcus Steel dissenting, to recommend denial of the project and require that the applicant return the building to its original horse-housing use.

Homeowners, and horse home-wreckers, Chuck and Myrtle Urbane, attempted to sway the History Board's decision by claiming that it is illegal to house horses in Alameda, and even if it weren't, there is no pasture land for one to let a horse run. The pseudo-animal lovers were visibly upset with the board's vote.

A majority of the board's members were indignant at the idea of destroying a connection to Alameda's agrarian culture and asked city staff to look into whether the city could require Mr. and Mrs. Urbane to purchase horses to house in the building. Said board member Johan Kraze, "Without the actual horses, people driving by the building will be unable to place the building in an accurate agrarian context. Only with this equine addition will our history be truly understood by today's busy motorists."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Measure A protects Alameda's Architectural heritage by barring multi-family homes from being built. While this has no bearing on the issue at hand, we haven't reminded people of that for a while and felt compelled to do so.

Dave Williamson sets the record straight

Rog,

Elaine Hollandaise should get her facts straight before she presumes to correct the supposed errors of right-thinking Alamedans. First of all, she claims that she and the rest of her D.A.R.L.I.N.G. friends live in Alameda. Anyone who understands logic can see that this is false. Everyone knows that to live in Alameda is to love Alameda. People love Alameda because of that special quality that makes Alameda great. Everyone knows that Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" preserves everything that's great about Alameda. It's common knowledge that D.A.R.L.I.N.G. is out to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." That means D.A.R.L.I.N.G. wants to eliminate everything that's great about Alameda, which means that they cannot possibly love Alameda. If they don't love Alameda, then they must not live in Alameda. Q.E.D. So, Elaine Hollandaise may have resided in Alameda for over 40 years, but she most certainly does not live here!

Elaine Hollandaise goes on to claim that the brutal Squirrel attack in San Jose was an isolated incident. Preposterous! If it was an isolated incident, then why did multiple news media outlets cover the story? In addition to the Chronicle article, KPIX TV broadcast shocking coverage of the aftermath of the attack. Intrepid reporter Tony Russomanno, visibly shaken by the horror of the situation, began his report, "Wendy, here in San Jose's Evergreen School District there have been attacks on school administrators by wild boars, a lock-down caused by a mountain lion, but the only time anyone was injured by a wild animal was today, when two parents and an eleven-year-old girl were clawed and bitten by a squirrel. That's right, a squirrel."

Yes, you read that right. This statement proves that Squirrels are more dangerous that wild boars and mountain lions combined! Tell that to the D.A.R.L.I.N.G. deceivers who claim that Squirrels aren't really all that dangerous!

Some Squirrel-coddlers might say, "It can never happen here in Alameda because we have a relatively low density of Squirrels; Manhattan, definitely, Brooklyn, maybe, but never here!" Well, think again. As the Chronicle article I quoted earlier points out, even a low density of Squirrels can be enough to give rise to an attack like this one:

"It's not a heavily infested area, it's not like there are squirrel everywhere," he [school district spokesman Will Ector] said.

But even this horrific attack is just one shot in the opening salvo of the Squirrels' bid for world domination. As the Chronicle reports, it's not difficult to connect the dots in the emerging pattern of violence:

It's not the first aggressive squirrel the South Bay has seen lately. Since the fall, there have been problems at Mountain View's Cuesta Park, with at least four people suffering bites.

Animal control officials attributed the aggressive behavior to a preponderance of food being left around the park, which had emboldened the animals. In one case, a 4-year-old boy was bitten after a squirrel attempted to steal his muffin.

Our precious children and their delicious muffins are not safe! This quotation proves not only that Squirrel-on-human violence is widespread, but also that Squirrels are dangerously emboldenable. Just as criticizing our President's war policy only emboldens our enemies, criticizing Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" policy only emboldens the Squirrels.

So, Squirrel-snugglers, you have a choice to make, one you had better consider very carefully: You can stand with us Human Alamedans on the side of Freedom and Dignity, or you can side with the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists in their sworn struggle to destroy everything that is Right and Good about our town. I ask you: Are you with us, or are you against us?

Dave Williamson

Nut case who claims to live in Alameda hates dogs and wants to ban them

Dear Editor:

I am writing to correct some errors in Mr. Williamson's letter of Tuesday, May 22. For starters, Mr. Williamson claims that none of the members of D.A.R.L.I.N.G. actually live in Alameda. This couldn't be further from the truth! We are a homegrown Alameda organization. Most of us first met at Washington Park, where we love to sit on the benches with our bags of peanuts and talk — just talk, mind you — about squirrels. All of our members are residents of Alameda. I myself have lived in Alameda for over 40 years.

Mr. Williamson goes on to present a highly sensationalized version of a story about a squirrel "attacking" a school child. This is a crude exercise in fear-mongering that has no basis in fact. What actually transpired appears to have been an isolated incident that produced only minor injuries. Only a relatively small number of squirrel attacks are reported each year, none of which has ever resulted in a fatality. By comparison, there are almost 5 million victims of dog attacks every year. Between 15 and 20 of those victims — most of whom are children — die. If Mr. Williamson is so concerned about protecting children from vicious animals, why hasn't he mounted a campaign to ban dogs?

Respectfully,
Elaine Hollandaise
Co-Chair, D.A.R.L.I.N.G.