Anonymous Reader Attacks Parody

Editor,

Can you believe this vicious attack video about vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that is circulating on the internet [sic]? What did she ever do to deserve such blatant parody?

Anonymously Yours,
Anonymous

Editor's comments:

It is reprehensible that anyone would take Miss Governor Palin's own words out of context in a futile attempt to make her look foolish. The T.V. "comedians" responsible for this insult are not fit to de-fuzz and roast the many Squirrels that she must serve up every day in her noble defense of Alameda. That less-than-intelligent T.V. show simply mocks everything, which makes all of their sketches meaningless.

Everyone in the media ought to be showing deference to Miss Palin, the mighty huntress whose Alaska home is a bastion against those Red Squirrels lurking so dangerously close to Alameda's very narrow maritime borders. There's nothing "funny" about that.

Miss Palin, the Alameda Daily Noose and I recommend that, in order to prevent such ignoble attacks on your character in the future, you keep tight control of all existing videos of your interviews and other appearances. No-one should be allowed to see them unless you yourself choose to share some of the highlights with a close group of supporters, perhaps on a local cable access channel.

And whatever you do, Miss Governor Palin, don't give up on convincing your running mate, what's-his-name, of the imminent threat that Squirrels present. The fate of Alameda depends on you winning this election, and ending the Global War on Squirrels once and for all!

Scüp! Of Nus

Aspiring journalists, take note: There is now a special tool available to help you scoop up those timely tips on goings-on in the great island nation of Alameda. Ordinarily, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would be suspicious of any product that displayed such obviously foreign spelling, but when we spotted this latest scoop, we immediately recognized that it was the result of our international influence.

We were already well aware that we have loyal fans around the globe, but this is the clearest evidence to date that our hard-hitting investigative reporting is being emulated elsewhere. We hope that someday, all of those backward countries, including even Europe, will follow our fine journalistic example. No matter what kind of ridiculous markings you use to spell it, you have to use a scoop if you want to dish out the noose.

Mind you, the Alameda Daily Noose and I already own enough scoops to last a lifetime, but some of you inexperienced, wanna-be reporters might want to try out this new-fangled fact-gathering device. You can't put a price on good information, but you can get a scoop for it at that hippie grocery store in town, and for only $14.49.

Remember, the Alameda Daily Noose and I print every single letter we receive, without significant exceptions, most of the time, so the next scoop we serve could be your own.

Dave Williamson Knows How to Solve Problem of Countrie Peripherie

Rog,

Yesterday's well-balanced article about Alameda-appropriate artwork was timely. "Go away" is exactly the message we need to send now to certain people in our closely knit community. Why? Because Alameda Countrie Peripherie shopping center is boring and ugly and filled with tacky businesses (as the attached photo proves), and is going to lure shoppers away from all of the high-quality bargains available elsewhere on our island.

The Planning Board is to blame. They approved all of the plans for the buildings that now contain all of those businesses that are doomed to fail as soon as they have destroyed our good, honest Alameda businesses. But even if every member of the Planning Board were to go away, our do-nothing mayor would undoubtedly just appoint new members, as if it were important to fill those vacancies.

Now, we might conclude that Right-Thinking Alamedans should tell the mayor to go away, but first we have to consider who is to blame for her being mayor in the first place. Obviously, it's the fault of everyone who voted for her. The solution is simple. Those of us who voted to kick her out of office in the last election all know who we are, so all we have to do is drive away all of the other voters in town.

To that end, it is essential for all Right-Thinking Alamedans to display the "go away" message prominently where it will be seen by anyone attempting to park in front of their houses.

Dave Williamson

Local Artist Captures the Spirit of Right-Thinking Alameda

Although artists are generally just a bunch of trouble-makers, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit that they sometimes get it right. We were charmed to see this whimsical sculpture on a neighbor's doorstep as we were driving by yesterday. Appropriately enough, the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo above shows the scene only moments before said neighbor came hurtling out of his front door to berate us for parking in front of his house.

We assume that the adorable dog statue, which reminds us a little of our trusty newshound, Scoop, is the work of local artist Frieda Bellows. However, when we attempted to contact Miss Bellows to confirm our suspicion, the only response she gave us was one very similar in spirit to the overt message of her presumed work. Obviously, our assumption was correct, and her lack of patience was a sign that she is very busy turning out more such indispensable artworks to adorn our Treasured Isle, leaving no doubt as to the type of reception we give to outsiders.

Right-Thinking Alamedan: Wake Up and Smell the Dark, Caffeinated Threat to Our Treasured Island!

Editor,

I have sent countless messages to our do-nothing City Council regarding the egregious build-up of coffee shops in our community, and have received no response. I finally resorted to the use of that wretched machine known as the "telephone" to complain to some peon at City Hall about the silence of my supposed representatives. Judging from the somewhat confused testimony of the miserable lackey who answered my "telephone" call, not a single one of my trained messenger pigeons had been allowed access to the interior of City Hall, and they were all, in fact, still strutting around on various windowsills, pecking at the glass in what I can only assume was a valiant attempt to gain access to the planning department.

Eventually, I was told that my concerns about coffee shops would be relayed to the Council, and I sat back to await the eradication of those strong-smelling, loiterer-infested lairs that seem to lurk on every street corner of late, luring innocent youths into a lifetime of caffeine addiction.

Nothing happened.

Several months and many pigeons later, I used the blasted "telephone" again, only to be told by a so-called attorney that the City Council does not control the number of coffee shops on our fair island.

Well, let me tell you, I don't trust that attorney. I once read a book on the evils of coffee shops, so I know a thing or two about how the Council should handle them. I think that "attorney" is dead wrong, and that the Council has the right—nay, the duty—to shut down each and every coffee shop that is infiltrating our precious business districts and peaceful, residential neighborhoods.

Not that I trust the City Council to do the right thing, even if they weren't being led astray by all of those "attorneys" with their quote-unquote-training and elitist "law degrees." I don't trust the Mayor, I don't trust City staff, and I don't trust my neighbors to sign the excellent petition that I've written up. Come to think of it, I don't even trust myself. So trust me: no-one should trust anyone!

Geneviève Wellborn

Readers Around the Globe Inundate Alameda Daily Noose and Me with Fan Mail

Loyal readers, we appreciate your appreciation, but please be aware that we are not in the marriage market, there is nothing wrong with our weight, and we certainly don't want to purchase any Pentium, whatever that is. We decided to publish this public call for restraint because it is becoming difficult to respond to each gee-mail message individually. It almost seems that for every response we send, we receive five more offers of this nature.

So please, devoted fans, hold off on the private messages for a while. Going through them all is hindering our ability to deal with letters for publication in a timely manner, and is also making it harder for us to spot those hot stock tips and act on them. And goodness knows that good financial advice is especially important these days.

Too Grumpy to Fail

Rog,

As the president of the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society, I am writing to demand that our good-for-nothing Mayor and those bozos on the City Council immediately approve a sweeping rescue plan to stanch the hemorrhaging of funds from donations to A.C.H.E.S. Without an immediate infusion of cash from the City, it is entirely possible that A.C.H.E.S. may not be able to put on the 19th Annual Celebrity Grump-A-Thon. The consequences of such a disaster are too devastating to enumerate; simply put, A.C.H.E.S. is too grumpy to fail.

But how, you ask, did it come to this? Back in August of 2o07, A.C.H.E.S. treasurer Mabel Grimloch suggested that we take the proceeds from the 18th Annual Celebrity Grump-A-Thon and invest them in a complex but innovative new class of financial instruments known as "jackpot-backed securities." Everything was going according to plan on our second night in Vegas; we were up $2,135.17 when Marlene Verloren insisted that we wager $2,000 on a red snake bet at the roulette table. She said she hadn't been so sure about anything since 1945, but I'll be darned if we didn't lose it all. By the time we paid for our bus fare back to Alameda, $14.37 was all that remained in the A.C.H.E.S. treasury.

Looking back, there's no way anyone possibly could have foreseen the fate that befell us at the roulette table. Remember, we played it safe; after all, if we had done something foolish like invest it in the stock market, we could have lost everything! Given that we only had the best interest of Alameda at heart, and given the fact that we didn't personally profit from this whole misadventure at all—well, nothing apart from the champagne, the caviar, and the four-star suite at Caesars Palace, anyway—we think it is only fitting that we should receive a massive government bailout. Besides, we doubt that the taxpayers would want the champagne and caviar back at this point. That's all bubbly wine and fish eggs under the bridge!

Janice Lighter-Merv