Sympathy for the Squirrel

Dear Editor:

I am dismayed that the Alameda Daily Noose is accusing squirrels of somehow tampering with last Tuesday's election results. As a long-time squirrel-watcher, I can assure you that if there was any unusual squirrel activity last week, I saw no sign of it. I believe Alameda's squirrel population had all the work it could handle just trying to stay warm and dry last week. Regrettable incidents with certain people's prize sunflowers aside, I believe that staying warm and dry are a squirrel's main concerns at this time of year, with charming skitterings among fallen leaves being a close second in frequency, according to my observations. Just take a look at those innocent, forlorn eyes in the video that one of my fellow squirrel-watchers took last week and tell me if that is the gaze of one who would try to interfere with our democratic process. Squirrels gained nothing from this election, although they could probably use some help from us.

Sincerely yours,
Elaine Hollandaise

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit moved by these images of a poor, cold, bedraggled Squirrel using its little tail as an umbrella. No, we did not feel a sympathetic shiver as we watched the raindrops pelting it relentlessly, and if even we did, it must have been due to camera tricks and deceptive editing. There is no way that this clearly amateur video will dupe Right-Thinking Alamedans into feeling sympathy for the Squirrels. Now, you'll have to excuse us, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to have gotten something irritating in our eyes.

Alameda Daily Noose and I Experience Unexpected Mail Enhancement

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received this alarming message recently:

DEAR WEBMAIL ACCOUNT OWNER
THIS MESSAGE IS FROM WEBMAIL ADMIN MESSAGINGCENTER . WE ARE UPGRADING OUR EMAIL ACCOUNT CENTER AND CENCELLING UNUSED ACCOUNTS TO CREATE SPACE.TO STOP YOUR ACCOUNT FROM CLOSING,UPDATE IT BELOW
CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL IDENTITY BELOW,
EMAIL USERNAME...............
EMAIL PASSWORD...............
DATE OF BIRTH................
WARNING!!!IF YOU REFUSE TO UPDATE YOUR ACCOUNTYOU WILL LOOSE IT PERMANENTLY.

THANK YOU FOR USING THIS WEB MAIL
SUPPORT TEAM

We quickly sent in the requested information, and it seems to have done the trick, because we are getting as much "gee-mail" as ever. Unfortunately, the update of our account must have led to some confusion of a different sort. Not only do we get our own mail, but we seem to be getting someone else's messages returned to us. We are pretty sure we did not send anyone the type of "gee-mail" that has been showing up in this way.

It must be that we did not act quickly enough, and so allowed our account to become "loose," as the bulletin warned. Since the change is permanent, we will just have to resign ourselves to having other people's messages sneaking into our loose account. We can't help it if we accidentally read some of them.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Insulating Your Home with Style

Chilly winds are blowing, but before you crank up those space heaters, are you sure your home is well insulated? So-called experts will try to tell you that most traditionally designed wood frame buildings lose more heat through the roof and in insulated walls than through the windows, but that's ridiculous. Have you ever noticed a draft coming from the roof or a wall? It's obvious that those nasty old windows are the real culprits.

One approach to stopping drafts from your old double-hung windows is to have them all replaced with new double-glazed window units, but that can be expensive. You can block cold air much more cheaply, and completely, by simply nailing sheets of plywood over every window. For a more substantial look and even more energy savings, try bricking up the windows instead. Brick-laying can be fun for the whole family, so why not start now with a weekend project?

Once your window retrofit is complete, you may notice that some of the rooms seem a bit darker than before, but don't despair: you'll want to follow our earlier "green living" tip and stock up on as many incandescent bulbs as you can afford. You'll soon have your place blazing with light again!

You will also discover that you're no longer able to open windows for ventilation in the summer, so you'll want to install the largest air-conditioning unit you can find. Once you have that baby cranked up to full blast, those summer breezes you remember will seem laughably hot and humid by comparison.

Once you have overcome the issues of light and ventilation through modern green technology, you will begin to enjoy many of the side benefits of living window free. Never again will your eyes be assaulted by the first rays of the rising sun. Never again will you be distracted by birds hopping around in trees or children playing in a neighbor's yard.

You'll also find that your home's stunning new look will attract a lot of attention. The creativity of many people—especially teenagers—is stimulated by the presence of beautiful blank surfaces, and they may grace them with displays of artistic expression involving fat markers and spray paint. These spontaneous art projects will give your home an ever-changing appeal that will undoubtedly increase not only your property values, but those of the whole neighborhood!

Right-Thinking Alamedans Come Within a Whisker's Width of Disenfranchisement

Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I predicted, there was something Squirrely afoot during Tuesday's election. Reports of irregularities are just starting to come in, and we are sure that more will follow. Here are some highlights from reports we have received so far:

Dave Williamson: "On Tuesday, I had trouble opening a jar of pickles, which delayed my lunch, seriously diminishing the window of time that I had allowed for going to my polling place and watching for sciurine activity. I don't usually have trouble opening a jar of pickles unless it is brand new. It's almost as if someone or something screwed the lid on extra tight, knowing that it would slow me down at that critical point in my day."

Frieda Bellows: "The door to the voting place was really hard to open. I was pushing as hard as I could, and it wouldn't budge. Then someone pointed out that there was a teeny, tiny sign by the door handle that said 'PULL.' The letters on the sign couldn't have been more than two inches high, so how was I supposed to read it? Besides, anyone who expects me to read a sign needs to put it right in front of my face. That the sign was so far below the level of my face makes me think that it must have been deliberately moved sometime before election day, probably by Squirrels."

Lon Geddoff: "It was nearly impossible to park in front of that school where I had to go and vote. There was nothing but parallel parking, and there were all of these other cars in the way when I went to park. I circled the block a few times to see if a better space would open up, but that just made me angrier, because when I turned that first corner, I could see people down the street parking in front of my house and walking to the polls. Don't they know that it isn't safe to walk in neighborhoods where I'm trying to drive my car? I finally got so fed up with trying to parallel park in front of the school that I just double-parked with my blinkers on. It was an emergency, after all. I just know that those Squirrels had something to do with making all of the parking parallel. They tried to thwart me, but I was too smart for 'em."

Sham! Fraud! Squirrels Steal Election!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are deeply saddened to report that our wildest paranoid fantasies have come to pass. No, we're not talking about Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," which is safe…for now. We're talking about the unprecedented victory of Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and his dangerously inexperienced running mate Joe the Biden, who has never once been described as likely to kill, much less eat, a Squirrel.

The only possible explanation for Mr. Obama's landslide victory is the widespread Squirrel-related voting irregularities that the Alameda Daily Noose and I warned of just yesterday. So great was the level of deception that these irregularities have thus far escaped the notice of even the most eagle-eyed of Right-Thinking Alamedans, though we expect reports to begin trickling in as people think back on what they might have seen and begin to connect the dots.

Unfortunately, we may never truly get to the bottom of this dastardly caper, since the Squirrels and their allies succeeded in passing Measure Q, which eliminates Alameda's Police Secret Fund by repealing Sec. 17-11 of the City Charter. This fund would have paid for "investigation and police work of a secret character," such as determining the extent of Sciurine attempts to steal an election. How foolish of those dullards on our City Council to hand the keys to Our Fair City directly to the Squirrels by putting Measure Q on the ballot in the first place!

Of course, Barack "Angus" Obama's victory completely validates the Alameda Daily Noose's and my decision not to bother voting in this fraudulent sham of an election. Imagine how silly we would have felt if we had spent our precious time casting our ballots, only to have the election stolen by Squirrels! We certainly showed them we're nobody's fools.

Right-Thinking Alamedans Sure to Report Widespread Acorn Activity and Other Squirreliness at the Polls Today

The Alamdeda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that the Squirrels and their Fellow Travelers are organizing in an attempt to destroy Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" by influencing the outcome of today's election. Our hard-hitting investigative journalistic techniques have revealed that they intend to achieve their dastardly objectives primarily by making their way toward polling places and voting, rather than merely cowering under a tree and munching nuts on election day.

Given the damning evidence of voter fraud that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered deep within our imaginations, it is the duty of all of you Right-Thinking Alamedans to keep an eye out for any and all Squirrely activity at the polls today and report the many irregularities that you will undoubtedly observe to a qualified conspiracy theory expert like the Alameda Daily Noose, or me. If you think you saw something but you weren't quite sure, we suggest selecting an item from the following list and repeating it to yourself until you are confident that you did, in fact, see it:

• An acorn rolling out of the voting booth over in the corner.


• A strange rustling sound, punctuated by distinctive chit-chit-chittering, emanating from the ballot box.


• A ballot-marking pen that had obviously been worked over by someone with massive incisors which grow continuously and must be kept worn down by gnawing.


• Voter information pamphlets shredded and stuffed into natural cavities within trees, often in areas of the kind of moderate to dense vegetation that offers cover and concealment.


• A bushy tail sticking out from under the coat of that hirsute gentleman in front of you in line.

As soon as you see these things, drop everything—including your yet-to-be-cast ballot, if necessary—rush straight home, fire up your computer, and send a "gee-mail" to rogergrumbel@gmail.com. Whatever you do, don't let an unimportant thing like voting get in the way of stopping the Squirrels from stealing the election!

Alameda Daily Noose Generic Election Guide

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are excited about the upcoming election, but we are not nearly as excited about the tedious task of yet again assembling a comprehensive election guide that will tell you, our poor benighted readers, exactly how to vote. That's why we decided to assemble this handy generic guide, which will work equally well for any election.

President

Vote for the ticket whose presidential or vice-presidential candidate is most frequently described as likely to kill and/or eat Squirrels.

US Legislature

Vote for the candidate best able to tap into the power of outrage and name-calling to achieve political ends…that is, unless you are a fruitcake or something.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!

Judicial

Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.

City

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently learned that if there are multiple seats open but you only like one candidate, you can increase the power of your vote by voting just for your candidate alone. It is only logical, then, that you can increase the power of your vote even more by not voting for any candidates at all!

School

Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

Special District

What makes these districts think they're so darned special, anyway? Hold your nose and vote for the grumpiest candidate, the one who complains the loudest about things that are new and shiny, and therefore sinister and frightening. If that test fails, vote for the candidate with the biggest, greenest lawn with the most water features.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:

• Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
• Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
• Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:

• Raises taxes.
• Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
• Sounds suspicious (it is).
• Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
• Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.