Once Again, The Day Is Saved…by the Alameda Daily Noose and Me!

Thanks to some quick thinking and bold action, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have saved the view of the Twin Towers Church from obliteration by the Devil's Own Landscaping! Here is the photographic proof:

"But how?" you ask. Well, on Monday, September 24, the Alameda Daily Noose and I bravely published a grumpy letter to the editor from concerned Alamedan Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop. This letter alerted Alamedans everywhere to a growing conspiracy of arboreal allies to blot out the view of the Twin Towers Church. Although we never actually saw what happened, we are certain that a group of right-thinking and torch-bearing Alamedans, roused into action by our warning, must have converged on the Demon-Weeds under cover of darkness, armed only with pitchforks, hedge trimmers, and weed whackers. The gruesome scene of vegetal carnage that ensued is best left to our loyal readers' imaginations.

No, no, no need to thank us, Ma'am; it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me.

Public Displays of American Flags are Unpatriotic, and Do Not Belong in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce that from now on, the glorious flag of Alameda will forever fly on the masthead of our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. This should effectively counteract the unpatriotic displays of garish red, white and blue flags that some of the so-called local media sport at the expense of what should be our top priority: our loyalty to Alameda.

Unlike our good, honest Alameda flag, that stripy thing is the same flag that flies atop the skyscrapers of big cities, big cities like...Manhattan! The Alameda Daily Noose and I see no difference whatsoever between hoisting that banner and personally piloting a bulldozer down each side of Grand St. and personally laying the first bricks for the foundations of those skyscrapers that our Manhattanite arch-nemesis so desperately wants to build.

And let's not forget what spangly abomination waved over the White House during the administration of Everyone's Least-Favorite President—you know, the one with the big nose and the even bigger cheeseburger habit, the one who was personally responsible for closing down the Naval Air Station. I ask you, are those the kinds of values that we want to represent with the flags that we raise proudly in Alameda?

So, loyal readers, when you see the flag of Alameda flying majestically on our masthead, remember, you are right-thinking Alamedans first and Americans only incidentally. Yes, this constant reminder of what makes our Treasured Island great is our gift to you, yours to keep. You're welcome.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Hate Being Accused of Hate

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that our work has been mentioned on one of those Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.) that nobody reads, out there in the interweb tubes. It seems that somebody is upset at the Alameda Daily Noose for printing a supposedly offensive image, even labeling the mere inclusion of the image in this Noosepaper a "hate crime." As right-thinking Alamedans are already aware, it is fierce and undying love that motivates every noble journalistic effort presented here. The Noose does not, I repeat, does not promote hatred toward anyone or anything on Chuck Corica's Green Earth. Except Squirrels, of course. And Bagpipes, we can't forget them. Not to mention people regularly parking in front of my house. Oh, and we're not too fond of those little plastic lids that never stay on the take-out coffee properly, either. But other than that, nothing. Or at least nothing we can think of right now.

The presence of an image of an unpleasant object in no way constitutes a statement of the Noose's opinion on any issue. We are committed to bringing all local matters of scant import to the attention of our loyal readers, whether the subject is shocking or not. Of course, since shocking pictures draw more readers, it is our duty to include them whenever possible. The people of Alameda have spoken, and since we already knew what they were going to say, we are well prepared to satisfy their desire for shocking, disturbing, controversial images. For your enjoyment, we've put together an encore presentation of a number of shocking images carefully gleaned from our microfiche archives of past editions of the Alameda Daily Noose. They are sure to upset and titillate our readers and critics alike. The controversy stirred up by these images is sure to shoot our circulation through the roof! Without a further do, here are the images:

Some Crazy Lady Favors Dickensian Working Conditions for Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Dear Rog:

I am writing to tell you that I am offended by the title of your newspaper site, Alameda Daily Noose.

Is it the word Alameda? Of course not! (Though if I were you I would double-check to see if the word is exclusively used in the publishing world to refer to our fair city and not used to refer to other cities, which might confuse people.)

Is it because of the word "noose", which may, to ranchers, invoke images of a rope device used to capture innocent farm animals? (And was once used generations ago, to administer capital punishment - thank goodness our society is past all that and that only the most backwards countries in the world still subscribe to this philosophy. But I digress!)

Oh no, something much worse that offends my sensitive nose - it is the word "Daily" in your newspaper's name!

For shame, Rog. You and I both know that although your skin glistens like the sun, and you radiate benevolent energy upon all of us here in Alameda, that you do not publish your newspaper DAILY. Far from it. Sometimes you go for days without a new edition, and sometimes you even publish more than once in one day.

You have no idea how much this offends me as a person who has a calendar on her desk, and a clock on her wall. Have you no shame?

And while I'm at it, I'd like to insinuate something. Did you notice my rich visual metaphors? Yes, I have found you out -- that you are not actually the publisher of the ADN, but are actually a FRONT for other subversive types here in Alameda. Just do a google search for "alamedadailynoose.blogspot.com" and right under your links to yourself, guess what website comes up - Yes, the Alameda SUN! As somebody who has worked in the tech industry since 1997 - that's 70 dog-years - I know what I'm talking about when it comes to web-based evidence and the game is up! You, Rog, are not who you say you are. You are the Sun. And, come to think of it, I am the Moon. You are the words - I am the tune. Play me!

But I digress again! I have a new, modern, exciting suggestion for your newspaper name: The Alameda Every-Few-Days Taser. I challenge you to change your name!

Luna C. Chillwether

Editor's Comments: Mrs. Chillwether is obviously a raving loony. By suggesting that everyone take the word "daily" literally, she is trying to turn back the clock to the dark days of Dickensian Alameda, when men and their trusty noosepapers toiled in dank and dripping newsrooms, the paper cuts scarring their fingers in ever more intricate webs, as if the news were etching itself into their beings—when they rose before noon and fell wearily into bed around dusk, without so much as a break for elevenses before a meager lunch at Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel. How quickly she has forgotten how the Alameda Daily Noose and I banded together to form a union, and how we struggled to wring concessions from our tyrannical exploiters, the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We shed our blood and tears to win those weekends off, not to mention additional medical leave for our prune-based health care plan, and now Mrs. Chillwether would have us give all that up just because of something she found in a so-called dictionary? Shame!

Growing, Growing, Gone! Tree Allies Conspire to Destroy View of Twin Towers

Hi, Rog,

It's a disgrace! Why wasn't I notified of the City’s plans to allow a certain store to install radical new landscaping improvements that are already blocking views? They're trying to ram these misshapen shrubs down our throats! You can see from the photos I took that the view of the Twin Towers church is partly blocked now, and is COMPLETELY OBSCURED when you are lying on the sidewalk. As that huge, ugly plant continues to grow, IT WILL BLOT OUT THE SUN! Is that what we want? All of our views should be preserved, and anyway I don't hold with people willy-nilly planting flowers and shrubs, and certainly not trees! And let me tell you, trees are exactly what this kind of sloppy planning will lead to if we are not careful!

Yours in a tizzy,
Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Asks, Could Blythe Ergot Stand Up to a Whomping Willow?

Rog,

With all of the discussion about trees this week, I am OUTRAGED that no-one has pointed out one important thing that completely discredits Blythe Ergot as a reliable source of information on the subject. Surely, someone besides me has noticed that an anagram of "I'm Blythe Ergot" is "Lo, big tree myth!"

A big myth is exactly what people like her are promulgating. Trees are not the innocent beings that she would have us think. Right-thinking Alamedans are well aware of the connection between overcrowding of trees and dangerous levels of Squirrel traffic, but many people may not be aware of the deep connection between trees and Tartan density. The truth is, the letters in "I'm Blythe Ergot" also spell, "Lob mighty tree," which is a clear reference to Highland games, and thus, inescapably, to Bagpipes.

Furthermore, Ms. Ergot's long, wavy hair makes her look just like that girl Hermione Granger from the popular series of movies about the boy wizard who looks just like that Manhattanite who is president of Alameda's Transportation Committee. And oh my, what skinny legs she has under her. So, what is she going to do if a tree threatens to fall on her -- cast a spell on it? Ha! I'll bet she wouldn't last two minutes against a Whomping Willow, and there will be plenty of those at large in Alameda if we follow her tree-increasing plan.

Donald Kirkland

Alameda Daily Noose and I Once Again Scoop Tardy "Alameda" Daily Publication

We begin today's installment with yet another scoop. Today, Thursday, September 20, 2007 A.D., the Alameda Daily Publication, one of Alameda's Boring, Lame On-Line Gossip Shops, or B.L.O.G.S., finally got around to reporting the story on the City's shameful cover-up of its earlier John...Knox...Whitewashing job on the big vertical sign on the Alameda Theatre, a full three days after the Alameda Daily Noose (which is a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, not one of those B.L.O.G.S.) and I published our Pulitzer-eligible exposé on the very same subject. It must be a slow news week indeed at the "Alameda" Daily Publication when all it can dig up in the way of Alameda daily news are a few grumpy letters to the editor, a warmed-over press release, and a copycat story three days past its "sell-by" date. Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would cluck our tongues in admonition, but despicable B.L.O.G.S. like the A.D.P. are not even worthy of our tut-tut-tutting.