Brenda Snook Waffles Between Coffee and Hardtack

Editor,

I know Marlene does her homework when it comes to places in Alameda that are worth going to, so I usually take her word for these things without thinking. But this time, one thing did cross my mind. I think maybe she's exaggerating a little about Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel being the only place to eat. I usually go to Gym's Coffee Clutch where there's plenty of free parking, but they strike me as both being very good eating places. I like gruel, I like coffee, I like waffles, I like Gym's collection of old exercise equipment and historic sweat socks hanging on the wall, I'm not too keen on that Benedict stuff that they put on the eggs, seems kind of shifty, I'm not sure if you can trust it, but I don't really see much wrong with either place.

Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments: Anyone who's been in Alameda for more than five years knows that there is no middle way between the Coffee Clutch and the Hardtack Hovel. You either like one or the other. Claiming to like both just shows that you are trying to have your hardtack and eat it, too. Brenda Snook just needs to figure out what side she is on, and then dig in her heels (as long as she chooses the correct side, that is).

Marlene Verloren Sees No Point in New Restaurants

Dear Roger,

What is the point of new restaurants opening in town? Everyone knows that there is only one place worth eating at, and that is Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel. Things were so much better when the Hovel was the only thing open on Sunday mornings. There is so much traffic now, and so many people taking up parking spaces, that my friends and I cannot all find parking within ten feet of the entrance when we meet there. If it were not for the delicious and reasonably priced Buttered Hard Gruel, I might just stay home, but instead I keep struggling through the awful crowds to eat there. What else can I do?

Marlene Verloren

Some Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received an anonymous tip informing us that there is a shadowy "push poll" being conducted on the future of Alameda Point, colloquially known as "Alameda Point." Normally we would condemn this kind of nefarious activity, but after reading the fair and balanced questions, we feel compelled to bring the survey to the attention of all Right-Thinking Alamedans:

1. Don't you think that it would be better to leave Alameda Point as a big empty space, or, better yet, a place for people from out of town to fly their model airplanes?

2. Would you rather that the future of Alameda Point be placed in the hands of Evil Developers from Out of Town, who would like nothing better than to tie up our Treasured Island and have their way with her, or would you prefer it to be placed in the hands of kind, gentle, Right-Thinking Alamedans?

3. Should that Manhattanite, John…Knox…White, be tarred, feathered, or both?

4. What are your top complaints about the potential redevelopment of Alameda Point? Please rank the following choices from 1 to 5:

• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• TRAFFIC!

5. Wouldn't you have to be some kind of an idiot to support so-called Tartan Oriented Development at Alameda Point, knowing full well that it might be your children who are exposed to Bagpipe music every night, and knowing that Scotsmen might be parking in front of your house?

6. Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn": great measure, or greatest measure?

7. Is it not untrue that trees beget Squirrels, and Squirrels beget mayhem, and therefore, tree density should continue to be limited by "Measure Acorn" at Alameda Point?

8. If Chuck Corica were alive today, wouldn't you agree that He would be disgusted by any plans for Alameda Point that did not consist entirely of a golf course, and wouldn't you be a sorry excuse for an Alameda citizen—ignorant of our Treasured Island's history and not fit to kiss its soiled golf shoes—if you thought otherwise?

9. Don't you hate surveys that don't have a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

10. Don't you love it when the handsome, intelligent writers of a survey insert a completely unnecessary, totally uninformative question at the end, even though there's no more information to be gleaned, just to make a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

Please record your answers on a standard 5" by 5" cocktail napkin and submit them to Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters by Tuesday, December 4, 2007. All of the results we like will be tabulated and published whenever we are darned well good and ready.

Gargantuan Church Towers Blot Out View of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Going…

Going…

Gone!

Hi, Rog,

My car was in the shop, so I was walking the two blocks from my nail salon on Park St. back to my house. I made extra sure to walk along Central Ave. so I would get a good view of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates over my shoulder as I walked along. I like to curse the structure as I go, the vigorous complaining makes my walk so much more enjoyable.

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I saw these huge, gargantuan towers looming up, blocking my view of the object of my scorn! Worse yet, the farther away I walked, the higher the towers rose, until finally the entire Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates was completely shielded from my withering stare! My complaints were all bottled up inside me, and I tell you, that isn't very comfortable.

Why wasn't I informed that there was a huge church in my neighborhood? I didn't get any notices in the mail, or stapled to my door, or presented to me by my elected officials, or printed on my breakfast cereal box, which is the only thing I read, anyway. Does the City think we're too stupid to ever figure it out?

Something ought to be done about it. We can't have people going around putting up huge churches on every corner, interfering with the daily routines of derision carried out by Right-Thinking Alamedans like me.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

Scoop! Restores Harmony to Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media by getting the huge scoop shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. If you're a dog owner, you'll want to run like a greyhound to your local hardware store to pick up this miraculous new invention that has already made life much easier for the Alameda Daily Noose and me. This wonder device not only makes walking our faithful canine companion, Scoop, a pleasure, it also helped bring the Alameda Daily Noose and me back together after our little Thanksgiving spat. As we shared the old, familiar thrill of getting a scoop this big, my heart softened; I smiled and said to the Alameda Daily Noose, "Aw, shucks, I can't stay mad at you!"

No Noose Is Good Noose

As usual, the Alameda Daily Noose and I spent Thanksgiving together with our extended families, who traveled from all over Alameda to spend this joyous holiday complaining, arguing, and fighting amongst ourselves. Mid-way through Thanksgiving dinner, the Alameda Daily Noose and I got into a heated discussion over the proper way to pass the gravy boat. Unfortunately, tempers flared, old wounds were re-opened, and glasses of fruit-forward Californa Chardonnay were hurled into handsome faces. As a result of this litle spat, today's issue will not be published. Although we are not speaking at the moment, the Alameda Daily Noose and I expect to have things patched up in time for Monday's edition.

Former City Council Candidate Is Thankful to Have So Much to Complain About

Editor,

I know you count on me to supply you with high-quality complaining on a fairly frequent basis, but even the best of us have to take a vacation in honor of Thanksgiving. For one day a year, we must all set aside our vigilant grumping and count our blessings instead, so I am going to devote this letter to all of the things that I have to be thankful for.

This Thanksgiving, I am glad, as usual, that I have a wonderful family to help carry on the complaining traditions. I'm also thankful for my beautiful house and my health, which, if you pay any attention to those "doctors" going on about "cancer risks," you'd think I wouldn't still be walking around which, by the way, I plan to do for another half a century or so, thank you very much. So I think that's three things that I have to be thankful for.

Of course, as long as I'm writing, I should mention one small thing that has been on my mind, which is the lack of parking at my favorite movie theater. Don't people have enough other things to do that they have to be going to the movies all the time? The few times a year that I decide there's something that might be worth paying those outrageous ticket prices for, everybody else goes on that very same day, and it's just impossible! There are too many people around in general, and not enough entertainment, because I'm certainly not going to go and sit through some "opera" for fun, which I don't know why anyone would ever do that, unless maybe it's the kind of people who think it's okay to plant trees everywhere until our entire town is overrun with Squirrels, and that we should all get our kicks from watching Squirrels destroy our lawns with their so-called "acorns," until the whole town is just like that big Central Park in the middle of Brooklyn! That's not what we want in Alameda.

Thank you.

Former City Council Candidate