Once Again, White Ruins Alameda

Recent, disturbing evidence confirms the Alameda Daily Noose's reports that subversive elements are ruining, rather than renovating, the historic Alameda Theatre. As if it wasn't bad enough watching the 600-story parking garage and Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates grow out of the side of the old theater, now the lettering on the big vertical sign above the entrance is almost completely obscured. The "Alameda" sign has been uniformly painted a color that cannot be described as "Off-White," nor "Ivory," nor even "Clean Newsprint," but instead is unmistakably "John...Knox...White!"

The White influence, usually spread through propaganda pieces, is an even more powerful threat to our community than the influence of Perata, which was evident in the left-leaning pillars of the parking garage that we reported earlier. How many citizens have already forgotten that there ever was an Alameda Theatre, now that the letters of the sign blend into their background?

Everyone knows what a tragedy it is that those few people who patronize the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will see little of the old theater as they are swept through the dimly-lit lobby with the throngs rushing for seats in front one of the countless new screens. The City is essentially John...Knox...Whitewashing this ugly truth. That is why the Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, spilling editorial ink all over the blatantly secretive injustice of the ruined sign.

5:34 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 9 Days in "Alameda" Fly-Swatter

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 9 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. How long will the Fly-Swatter drone on about unimportant issues while the drama of the growing Bagpipe threat plays out all around us? Any so-called newspaper that does not understand that Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is the only thing that makes our town worth living in has no right to put the word "Alameda" on its masthead. Shame!

Shame! Alameda Puppy Trainer's Libelous Characterization of Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were just putting down another layer of this Thursday's Alameda Puppy Trainer for Scoop, our faithful canine companion, when we noticed an outrageous front-page screed entitled, "When Print Is Not Enough." It was clear from the article that the Alameda Puppy Trainer does not have the slightest understanding of the two greatest threats facing Alameda today, Squirrels and Bagpipes.

As if to trumpet his ignorance, the so-called reporter at the Puppy Trainer had the audacity to lump the Alameda Daily Noose in with a bunch of "B.L.O.G.S.," an abbreviation commonly used on the internets to stand for "Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops." The Alameda Daily Noose is a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, not one of those despicable B.L.O.G.S. Shame!

Given the enormous damage that this libelous article will undoubtedly cause to our reputation and our sacred honor, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have no recourse but to seek justice within the hallowed halls of the only institution august enough to hear such a momentous case: small claims court. We'll see you there, Alameda Puppy Trainer, as soon as we scrape together the $30 filing fee. We have set up a donation jar outside of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters for all of our loyal readers who wish to support this noble cause.

Roger Grumbel

Marlene Verloren Supports a Fine, Secret Alameda Tradition

Dear Roger,

I know it's not really what her letter was about, but I'm so glad that Janice Lighter-Merv explained about the Alameda Secret Police. Now that I think about it, I'm sure I saw them back when I was working as a singing cocktail waitress at the Blue Angels bar, back when the Naval Air Station was going strong. Ah, how I miss those days! The fellas in the snappy uniforms -- and they weren't uniforms that I recognized from seeing all of those Navy boys -- I'm just sure they were those dashing Alameda Secret Policemen she wrote about. They were tough and they didn't tolerate any nonsense, no Siree, but they were always so polite to me and the other girls, and such good tippers! I think it's important to preserve that part of Alameda's culture and history, and especially the uniforms. Why don't more men wear uniforms these days?

Sincerely,

Marlene Verloren

Editor's Comments: Speaking of uniforms, the Alameda Daily Noose and I just can't get over how fantastic Miss Verloren looks in that photo. We wonder if she would be willing to donate that outfit to the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society in order to arouse the historical curiosity of the next generation of right-thinking Alamedans. We would be happy to make all the arrangements if she would just stop by Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters some evening and drop it off.

Janice Lighter-Merv Knows How to Handle "Measure Acorn" Sub-Committee

Rog,

I am SHOCKED at recent reports that the city council is forming a sub-committee for the sole purpose of overturning Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." Sure, they SAY they are only looking at removing moldy old language from the city charter, like the provision for the "Secret Police Fund," established by an enthusiastic and very snappily dressed group of German immigrants in 1937. Well, first of all, I'm not entirely sure we should get rid of the Secret Police. Nobody knows what they're doing, but whatever it is, it must be working, because people can walk their dogs at night without fear of Zeppelin attacks. We should probably keep them around, just to be on the safe side.

Wait, where was I? Oh, right, the "Measure Acorn" sub-committee! As the president of the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society, I can assure you that if Chuck Corica was still mayor, he wouldn't have put up with these Shenanigans - and I will use that word, Shenanigans. All right-thinking Alamedans know about the exact replica of Mayor Corica's barber shop enshrined in the most popular A.C.H.E.S. exhibit, but not many know what is on display in the small brick-walled courtyard out behind City Hall:

Although Chuck Corica never actually used these during his administration, everybody knows that if anybody had even THOUGHT about forming something like this "Measure Acorn" sub-committee, they would have been strung up faster than you could say "shave and a haircut"! The very fact that he was ready and willing to do it meant he never had to. Unfortunately, today the Chuck Corica Memorial Gallows are just another moth-eaten A.C.H.E.S. exhibit, and the only Noose that evildoers today have to fear is of the Alameda Daily variety.

Janice Lighter-Merv

5:51 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 3 Days in Alameda Fly-Swatter

Editor's Comments:

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 3 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. Subscribers and daily purchasers of the Alameda Fly-Swatter are not getting their money's worth and are being bamboozled into purchasing the paper by its title of Alameda Fly-Swatter, mistakenly believing that they will be able to read news stories about Bagpipes and other menaces kept in check Alameda's all-important Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus." Shame on the Alameda Fly-Swatter for shirking its responsibility to report news stories about the ominously inflated threat that Bagpipes pose to our Treasured Island. The misleading title Alameda Fly-Swatter should be changed to what it actually is - the Oakland Cage Liner - or, if there were any truth in advertising, the Not-from-Alameda Peace-and-Quiet-Destroying Bagpipe-Hugger!

Roger Grumbel

Labor Day Special: Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Alameda Daily Noose and I always get nostalgic on holidays, and Labor Day is no exception. This is a time to for Alamedans everywhere to express their gratitude for those who toil long hours under the most difficult working conditions imaginable to bring you the comforts of modern life: things we all take for granted, like an uninterrupted flow of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. Today, as we reflect on the Herculean deeds of heroic men and their trusty noosepapers, we're sure that our loyal readers also long for a trip down memory lane. Travel with us now back to the spring of 2007, a time when a young Dave Williamson taught us how to laugh at the mistakes of others, a time when Former City Council Candidate sounded the wake-up call to a community in danger of going soft on Squirrels, a time when those darned teeny-boppers danced too suggestively to the strains of Justin Timberlake's number-six hit, "What Goes Around…Comes Around." Then, on Monday, May 14, 2007, like a smack upside the head in the middle of a cold shower, came a letter from right-thinking Alamedan Morton A. Whitling, a letter so astonishingly good that it changed a sleepy island town forever. Now, through the magic of "copy and paste," let us re-live this historic event together:

Dear Editor,

Thank you so much for the Alameda Daily Noose. It is a beautiful thing. And your television show is just spectacular. I watch every episode over and over again until I have memorized everything you say. Really - if you run into me at the grocery store some time, just quiz me and I am sure that I can quote you back to you, verbatim, from any show since the June 19, 2002 episode. Then again, I might be a bit too "star-struck" to be coherent around you; thank goodness for the Internet where we can carefully compose our letters to the editor and take out all the speling mistakes!

Anyways, my wife Claire is expecting, I am wondering if you and your wife would be godparents to our child (it's a girl!!!) It would be an amazing honor to have a celebrity as "part of the family." We love you all so much and we want our daughter to grow up with you as part of her life.

Your website is just so AMAZING. I love the color yellow; it's so under-used in journalism for some reason. And I just can't get over how impartial you are. And I appreciate you printing only the news that none of the other newspapers will print. It shows that you care about Alameda, and you aren't in the pocket of those fat-cat developers who want nothing more than to turn Alameda into a dirty, crowded city like Oakland.

I just love Alameda. I love getting in my car, rolling down the windows, and smelling the beautiful air generated by our beautiful trees along the street. Sometimes I even take myself for a spin down to the beach, and look at the beautiful high-rises in San Francisco and be thankful that they are far, far away. I love to drive by the Victorians and wave at them, and drive by the apartments and give them dirty looks (and even say "boooooo" when I've had a few too many, but don't tell that to the Mrs.!) This is what makes Measure A great. Alameda. It's what it's all about, and you are there, watching over it for us.

And thank you for standing up to defend Measure A. It's a tireless job, but as a journalist with integrity, you push aside the naysayers and you don't let them have their piece. It's what democracy is all about, and it makes me proud to be an Alamedan-American.

Love,

Morton A. Whitling