Alameda Daily Noose and I Once Again Scoop Tardy "Alameda" Daily Publication

We begin today's installment with yet another scoop. Today, Thursday, September 20, 2007 A.D., the Alameda Daily Publication, one of Alameda's Boring, Lame On-Line Gossip Shops, or B.L.O.G.S., finally got around to reporting the story on the City's shameful cover-up of its earlier John...Knox...Whitewashing job on the big vertical sign on the Alameda Theatre, a full three days after the Alameda Daily Noose (which is a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, not one of those B.L.O.G.S.) and I published our Pulitzer-eligible exposé on the very same subject. It must be a slow news week indeed at the "Alameda" Daily Publication when all it can dig up in the way of Alameda daily news are a few grumpy letters to the editor, a warmed-over press release, and a copycat story three days past its "sell-by" date. Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would cluck our tongues in admonition, but despicable B.L.O.G.S. like the A.D.P. are not even worthy of our tut-tut-tutting.

Dave Williamson Responds to Blythe Ergot - If That Is Her Real Name

Rog,

I just finished watching a documentary film that refutes all of the so-called arguments recently made by Blythe Ergot - if that is her real name - who obviously does not live in Alameda, because she clearly does not understand how unique Alameda is. This groundbreaking film, appropriately entitled "From Hell It Came," shows exactly where Alameda will be headed if tree-huggers like Blythe Ergot have their way: that's right, H-E-double-hockey-stick.

As this documentary clearly illustrates, the extreme dangers of trees to idyllic island communities have been well known since the late 1950's, yet our Mayor and Council Majority remain blind to the arboreal threat. Although anthropomorphic tree stumps may have a certain noble air about them, "From Hell It Came" teaches us that we trust them at our peril. Wherever trees roam unchecked, The Children are at risk, to say nothing of our buxom young maidens with the alluring flowers in their hair.

Dave Williamson

Squirrel-Hugging Tree Nut Wants to Increase Air Density in Alameda

Editor,

I don’t know why some people in Alameda are so worried about acorns and their resulting trees. The truth is that the trees in our town are the sole natural source of oxygen for everyone who lives here. I often feel as though I am not getting enough oxygen in the air I breathe, and I’m sure we could all benefit from an increase in oxygen density.

One acre of trees produces about enough oxygen for fourteen people, so we should really have 6,000 acres of our town devoted to trees to help everyone in our current population breathe freely. I think that’s about half of our land, so of course some people will probably have to live in the trees once we get them planted in cleared-out spaces that were once cluttered with houses and other buildings. I have already been practicing living in a tree, partly in solidarity with the Berkeley tree sitters, and it’s so easy!

During my practice tree-living periods, I have never once been troubled by a squirrel, so I can only conclude that they are all sweet, harmless creatures that we should be able to live in perfect harmony with, sharing acorns and laughing over the events of our days. I want to assure all of your readers that there really would be no disadvantage to putting many, many more trees into the life-giving soil of our island. Please, give trees a chance.

Fondly,

Blythe Ergot

5:17 a.m.: Oooops! City Rushes to Cover Up John Knox White Scandal

This Friday, in a shocking de facto admission of wrongdoing, the City of Alameda effectively issued a retraction of its John...Knox...Whitewashing of the so-called restoration of the Alameda Theatre in conjunction with the construction of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex that Everyone Hates. No doubt in reaction to the hard-hitting investigative report published on September 11, 2007, by the Alameda Daily Noose and me, the City began a hasty cover-up of the John...Knox...White paint on the Alameda Theatre's big vertical sign with a guilt-ridden shade of green. Tch, tch, tch - pretty bad when the "City" can't even pick the correct hue in its "clarification" of the Theatre's color scheme! All right-thinking Alamedans know that the only acceptable pigmentation for any part of the historic Alameda Theatre is that noblest of all colors, yellow - or, perhaps, black. Shame!

Pathetic Piper Proponent Pens Plaid-Washing Propaganda Piece

Editor,

Is there really so little news in Alameda that you have to fill space by criticizing the lack of bagpipe news in a print newspaper? As the old Avery family saying goes, "Let he who is without spin toss the first caber." I've realised that your stories tend to be slanted in an anti-bagpipe direction, whereas the Fly-Swatter's bagpipe stories are informative without resorting to a great deal of personal attacks or speculation. That last one (and I believe it was actually 13 days ago, and not 12 or 14 as your story and headline conflictingly reported it) was a fine reminder of the bagpipe's role in a satisfying summer festival.

The build-up of bagpipes in Alameda is really not as great a problem as some people seem to believe. Of course, I'll be the first to admit that I don't enjoy a drive-by piping at 3 a.m., nor having to wait at a streetcorner until a procession of pipe bands clears the intersection, so that I can cross, but there are also many advantages to living in a town that supports diverse multicultural musical activity.

Roy Avery

Editor's Comments: Maybe this addle-headed peatback, who can't even get his facts straight, hasn't been in Alameda long enough to realize that around here, we spell "realise (sic)" with a "z," not an "s," and certainly not a "zed." Why, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have half a mind to give our arch-nemesis Roy Avery a tch-tch-tching he won't soon forget, a tut-tut-tutting the likes of which he has never seen, a tsk-tsk-tsking so fierce that it that will wipe that smirk right off his freckled face! Fortunately for this Bagpipe-hugger, the other half of the Alameda Daily Noose's and my mind is so looking forward to our morning bowl of Raisin Bran and glass of prune juice that it has forgotten what all of the fuss was about. You may have won this one, Avery, but mark our words, we'll get you next time!

5:27 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 12 Days in "Alameda" Fly-Swatter

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 14 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. Any Alameda daily news publication that downplays the Bagpipe threat and fails to lavish sufficient praise on Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" has not earned the right to use the word "Alameda" in its name. Tch, tch, tch!

Stay Up-To-Date With the Alameda Daily Noose!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce a new way for Alamedans to contact us with hot tips on noose, scoops, investigative reports, and occasions calling for the presence of the town's premier journalist. Anyone who's been in this town for eighteen years or more already knows how to reach us, but for those right-thinking Alamedans who, through no fault of their own, happen to be newcomers to our Treasured Island, we have a high-tech way (technically referred to as "golly-gee-whiz mail," or "gee-mail" for short) for you to convey your compliments and suggestions to us. Here is our "gee-mail" address:

rogergrumbel@gmail.com

Just grab your trusty fountain pen, write your letter, scan it into your computer (be sure to dry the ink thoroughly with your writing sand before placing the letter in the scanner), attach it to a "gee-mail" (I think you use a wax seal for that) and send it to the Alameda Daily Noose and me.