Planning Board Makes a Huge Mistake, Again!

Last night, the Alameda Planning Board made yet another huge mistake. After three hours of discussion, the Board voted on what they thought was a proposal to build a windowless building to house the Longs Drug Store in. Unfortunately, as the photo above from our intrepid photographer shows, Longs managed to sneak three small windows into the building facing the parking lot.

The Planning Board President said that the board "had thought the language was strong enough to make sure there were absolutely no windows in the building. Sadly, Longs found a loop-hole, known as the Payne exception, and managed to squeak a few in." After further discussion, the Planning Board President pointed out that all was not lost, "At least the Santa Clara side of the Building which faces the street and sidewalk has no windows at eye level, so passers-by will see only a nicely painted wall."

Happy 81st Birthday, Cap'n Everett!

Photograph of Captain Everett Street when he was 23 years old, in the prime of his seafaring days.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to wish Captain Everett Street a very happy 81st birthday. Captain Street, lovingly known as "Cap'n Everett" to his friends, comes from a long line of hardy seafaring Alamedans whose nautical skills were matched only by their prowess at writing grumpy letters to the editor, delivered by carrier pigeon. Even the most ignorant, insensitive, uppity newcomer to Alameda—and you know who you are!—has probably noticed that nearly half of the thoroughfares in Our Fair City are named after famous members of Cap'n Everett's family.

Cap'n Everett sailed the seven seas until a severe case of writer's cramp finally forced him to retire in 1973. Determined to stay active, Cap'n Everett went on to open the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera. The restaurant is now firmly established as one of Alameda's most beloved institutions. In addition to serving the most freshly thawed seafood in town, Cap'n Everett's Rusty Scupper also hosts concerts by Alameda's own Ja, und das ist Polka! band every Saturday night, featuring all-you-can-eat Fischer-Schnitzel and, as always, plenty of free parking.

Please join the Alameda Daily Noose and me in saluting a true Alamedan hero, Captain "Cap'n Everett" Street!

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland on Robert Wood's Commission's Secret Agenda: What's Really Going On?

Rog,

I went to the City's website today to look at the packet for the upcoming meeting of Robert Wood's so-called Golf Commission, in which they will discuss their plans to increase the number of people golfing on, and consequently adding unwanted golf cart traffic to our city, as well as golf carts regularly parking in front of my house, and the agenda was not posted! WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE? It's not as if we don't all already know that golf balls kill children, whether through accidental ingestion, intentional introduction of excessive amounts of balls into the general environment, or the tragic yet all-too-common golf ball in the crotch. Golly gee willikers, I'm quaking with fear now!

I don't trust Robert Wood and his elk on the Golf Committee. All of them need to step down effective yesterday, and the Golf Board needs to be disbanded and replaced with an elected body so that the citizens can choose representatives who will more accurately reflect the community's desire to keep golfing to a minimum in Alameda. That kind of activity may be appropriate in a City like San Francisco, or in a specially designed golf community where the infrastructure has been designed to accommodate all possible future growth in golf cart traffic, but Alameda is a top-notch city, and golf doesn't help that.

Donald Kirkland

Scoop! Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 4,000th Visitor*

Sometime in the wee hours of Tuesday, July 24, 2007, a bold new chapter dawned in the history of our Treasured Island. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcomed our 4,000th visitor* into our electronic living room, where we sat down on the electronic couch, cracked open a couple of electronic beers, and complained vigorously—and electronically—about the state of affairs in this town. We can now say with great pride that over 5% of every man, woman, and child in Alameda has darkened our digital doorstep! That means Our Fair City is more than 5% better informed and more than 5% more right thinking than ever before. Thank you once again for choosing the best soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper in Alameda!

Cultural Heritage Fund-Raiser Loses Less Money Than Usual!

The Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society had a rip-roaring time last night at their annual fund-raiser. Society members mingled to the accompaniment of those local polka wizards, the "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band. As always, there was plenty of free parking.

Some attendees also seemed to be attempting to waltz to the music, but were hindered by the tables heaped with festive homemade foods and beverages, including a tasty new surprise from Former City Council Candidate, featuring an Alameda-raised delicacy smothered in delicious melted cheese. You must try them!

Plaques were awarded to the members who had donated the most money to preserving Alameda’s Cultural Heritage during the past year, with special recognition going to Society president Janice Lighter-Merv for her tireless attendance at Society events.

According to Society records, nearly five tickets for the fundraiser were purchased by citizens who are not on the A.C.H.E.S. board, resulting in a 100% increase in outside ticket revenues over last year. This means that only 28% of the funds spent to hold the fundraiser were not replaced by proceeds from the fundraiser: a new record for the Society!

The A.C.H.E.S. will hold another fund-raiser next year, on June 22nd, at the usual time and place. If you don’t know when and where that is, you must not be from around here.

Former City Council Candidate Says Ice Cream Social Engineering Must Be Stopped

Editor,

I visited a local ice cream parlor the other day, and I was shocked - SHOCKED! - at the ridiculous selection of ice cream flavors that were all crowded in there together, cheek to jowl, in a big, boxy glass case. I was so disgusted I stormed out and swore then and there never to go back.

Back when I was a little girl, the only flavor of ice cream you could get was honest, hard working vanilla. We all paid our nickel and ate our one scoop of vanilla ice cream on a sugar cone and we LIKED it. NOBODY likes all these other newfangled so-called flavors. What the heck is a praline, anyway, and why would any right-thinking Alamedan want it in her ice cream? Sounds French to me - save that stuff for Paris, that's NOT Alameda.

I know what's REALLY going on here. These flavors are being crammed down our throats by Big Ice Cream, who don't care one whit about Alameda's traditions and history. They are only interested in one thing, PROFIT, and more flavors packed tighter into the display case means more greenbacks in their icy hands. Don't they realize that these attempts at Ice Cream Social Engineering are doomed to fail? The only people who buy that stuff obviously come from out of town and are almost certainly the very same jerks who are constantly parking in front of my house.

It's time for right-thinking Alamedans to TAKE BACK THE ICE CREAM CASE! Don't patronize any establishment that sells all those quote-unquote flavors that nobody wants. Let's run Big Ice Cream out of town on a rail, and let's do it this summer, before it's too late!

Sincerely,

Former City Council Candidate

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Expresses Outrage over Squirrel Coverage

Rog,

I have been fuming ever since I read your article about Squirrel self-defense classes on Friday. Thanks for ruining the weekend for me and my family!

Don't get me wrong, the Alameda Daily Noose and all of the other major news media need to pay more attention to Squirrel-related violence, but your failure to mention Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" was an affront to right-thinking Alamedans around the world. I'm sure Mr. Risa's karate chop packs a mean wallop, but everyone knows that "Measure Acorn" is, was and always will be our FIRST line of defense against Squirrels. Biased coverage like this just plays into the hands of the shills for Big Arborist who try to downplay the importance of "Measure Acorn" in limiting Squirrels.

Another shameful tactic of Squirrel apologists is to claim that Squirrels are cute and harmless. DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND! Some people have accused me of being paranoid, but now I have proof that all Squirrels are agents of evil. Just this week, 14 Squirrels were arrested and held on espionage charges in the Middle East:

http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/20/280529.aspx

So far nobody has figured out who employed these Squirrel secret agents, but that's only because those incompetent investigators haven't bothered to ask any right-thinking Alamedans. We know that those bushy-tailed terrorists are the agents of none other than Big Arborist!

So, the next time you see a Squirrel in the park creeping closer and closer, constantly giving you the Beady Eye of Evil, remember: He's not some cute critter begging for a treat, he's SPYING ON YOU and reporting everything back to his puppet masters at Big Arborist!

Keep "Measure Acorn." It's our only hope for victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Donald Kirkland